Ok, now comes the challenge almost 18 mos. after D-Day.

Summary:

I wrote an article and submitted it for publishing and it got picked-up and published by a newspaper that prints and publishes on paper and online. I received over 350 e-mails in response to it and e-mails still trickle in weekly. (It was printed 6/18/03)

Anyway, yesterday I saw an e-mail from my Ex-GF asking me to verify if I (the writer) was the same person that she knew years ago in (name of my old hometown).

I am getting ready to take a trip back home for about 9 days starting on 7/12-7/21 and of course she does not know this at all. Yes, I am taking my spouse with me, which helps a lot.

Choices: Completely ignore the e-mail.
Respond to e-mail detachedly.
Respond to e-mail excitedly.

I am inclined to ignore the e-mail altogether and let sleeping dogs lie, for out of all the Ex's that could've written me, she is the only one that I have the fondest memories and feelings for and would actually consider another go at it with if I were single.

A big part of me knows deep down that any contact, however slight, will F*** Up my life and I am thinking it is not worth it.

Feedback?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

B:

She got a sister?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

or:

Maybe I should publish an article like that! (come 2 think of it, I do, but I have a common enough name that any of my old GFs - and we'd have 2 go back about 30 years, mind you - probably wouldn't take notice).

I get lots of emails after things I do appear on the internet, 2, but thankfully (or otherwise), most of the questions are about OT stuff like crop circles, aliens, and faces on other planets... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I think there are 2 ways 2 go with this. One of them might not be viewed as very good MB stuff, the other would. The one that would is "don't respond". The one that wouldn't is "respond (either detachedly or excitedly), but involve your W in the response. True friends are really great things, and if this could be a friend 2 2th of you, then I'd say "say hi". Again, from both of you.

I think that it's certainly prudent 2 take the moral high ground by not even giving temptation a chance (not responding). But I think it's possible for someone (like you, I believe) 2 still take the moral high ground AND respond, so long as any response is completely "appropriate" and includes a genuine effort 2 involve your W and help her 2 trust you and your intentions.

Hope I don't get flamed for this. I left my asbestos underwear at the HazMat station...

-2long

OT?? Off Topic??

Thanks for your quick reply.

I mulleth it over.

This is actually a pretty easy one....go with your gut. Either ignore completely, or talk it over with your wife and come to a POJA about responding with a light, informational, friendly letter. While H and I were seperated I looked up my highschool love. Honestly, I think letting sleeping dogs lie is the best answer. It's just not worth the mental madness. Good luck!

Hi BlindSided!
MHO - Ignore the email and better yet, BLOCK the sender. Your old girlfriend and you chose awhile back to go your separate ways. Why not leave it at that? You have a wife and therefore anything that is going back to the past should be left where you left it years ago.
I made the mistake of replying to a 'questioning' email from an old girlfriend of mine from 28 years ago.
WRONGO! I wish I had never done it. Suffice it to say that is was totally innocent... at first. Men are men, women are women and the Enemy is looking for ways to attack our marriages.
Please do not respond to this email. Let it go.
Harold

Thank you all (so far)

The more I think about it the more I am inclined to think it best to just let it alone. EVEN if I included my wife, it would just open-up all kinds of questions about who she is, how long did we date, does she have Tig Bitties(wife is very self-conscious about her own size and she shouldn't be), how was she in bed, did you love her, do you still love her, and on and on and on. Even contact on the up-and-up out-in-the-open would still garner suspicions from her. Do you two talk privately? Does she write to you at work? Etc., etc. In all, not worth it. If I was single, I would definitely write back.

Glad I used the sounding board for this thought process. I knew the answer, I just had to write it down and confirm with feedback. Thanks.

B:

"does she have Tig Bitties"

LOL!

Never mind her sister, forward her email 2...

Forget it! *I * know better than that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-2long

2L:

O! You had to go there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

38DD and Ghetto Booty on top of that!
No Holds Barred. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

You bet I'd look her up again if I was single! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(Damn, I lowered myself to your banal level of testicular mentality! Damn you, damn you all to he11 !!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi, I vote for let it alone!! My WH got an email from an old school friend hadnst seen in like 12 yrs..i actually got email and gave it to him...bad move..anyways he is now left me and wants to make a go of things with her...again I say..LEAVE IT ALONE!!! You never know what can happen!!!
Michelle

Blind...

Ignore it...but tell your wife...

I don't recall any MB concept that says be radically honest except when it would be uncomfortable...

Put the shoe on the other foot - what if an old bf emailed her - would you think that it was fine for her not to tell you lest you ask bothersome questions?

B,

How come your wife doesn't ALREADY know about this girl...big titties and all??? I know who my H's past girlfriends were.....and from a female perspective....if my H received an email from any of the ones he held a torch for....I wouldn't want him to respond.

Here's a funny story though. My H used to talk about a girl from his past named Tara. Oh, Tara was a beautiful cheerleader. She was homecoming queen. And she was "endowed". He always wondered what happened to her. It used to irk me a bit because I thought I got compared to Tara. Well, as fate would have it....we ran into her. She was so big she had rolls on the BACK of her neck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If friendships and collegial relationships can become overheated, former lovers are positively flammable. When they meet again after years apart, they are quick to ignite. They look into each other's eyes and see themselves as they once were:younger, more beautiful, and full of life. Thier passion quckly takes root again. When former loves meet, especially those who never consummated thier relationships, they hae to exert themselves consciously to control thier feelings and not pursue the relationship. They cannot meet just once, reminisce casually about old times, and not ignite former feelings, Simply believing that thier love for thier current partner will stop them is "NOT" enough.........pg 34, "I'm telling you we're just friends".....Not just friends" Shirly Glass" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello B, it happened to me, my ex-boyfriend contated me after 23 years. We thought it was an innocent contact until I realized the feelings were still there... I had always had fond feelings for this person as well, he was my "first love". Believe me, I never saw it coming. Despite my moral beliefs, I succumbed to my strong feeings. We had an EA and PA, for 10 months where we both admitted we were still in love... I am now finally after three years still trying to recover from it. It has been the most difficult thing I've ever done. There were times I wished I hadn't gone down that road and caused as much pain and suffering on both ends. Additionally, the anger I experienced towards him for conatacing me turned into resentment; It all really hurt me and my H in the end as I went inward with it all. Additionally, there is not much support for WS.. It is a difficult place to be and if you value your marriage tread carefully... I realize I had a choice and what I did was wrong becuase I am married. Had I been single, it would have definately been different........ Anyway, its a long story......... but I agree with those who said to ignor it, those "fond" feelings are very tempting and once ignited are unstoppable no matter how great your marriage is....

Hope this helps........

MJ

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

Yes yes yes

The consensus is leave it alone and that is what I intend to do.

My W does know about my past involvements/relationships so there would not be any "oh, you never mentioned her" type of response, but my W is a jealous type of person, in more ways than just romantically. For example, just recently she told me that she would resent my talking to my co-workers or friends in ways that I do not communicate with her, so she's a jealous friend, too. She sees it as she should be my best friend so I should be able to openly share and discuss any thought or feeling I have with her and not need to go to anyone else.

I have learned over the years that being "blatantly open and honest" just resulted in my having deal with a whole ration of sh*t, so I am more judicial in how and what I communicate to her. Nothing against her, she is a sweet caring loving soul, but her lack of mental capacity and limited understanding of the world contributes to her natural paranoia and defensive posturing over some of the most basic dealings in human interactions and social interchanges that you and I might just look at as purely mundane in nature.

As a stillborn and resuscitated baby she may have suffered some slight brain damage at birth, but her extreme drug use during her teen years probably confounded and compounded her already less-than-totally-healthy brain, lending her an almost perpetual immaturity and lack of knowledge that defies her age. Let's just say that had I been more prudent and had taken my time courting her and getting to know her a lot better I would've rethought marriage to her and remained her friend, instead. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and here I am now married almost 9 years, so I just accept her as is and applaud any growth in wisdom and maturity I see her as time goes on.

Bottom-line for me in this situation is this:

I do not respond to the e-mail I received and I never mention it. Period.
Case closed, no complications, no hassles, and I enjoy my ensuing vacation time with her.

By the way, the question was raised on how I would react to her being contacted by Ex-BF’s. I can assure you that my reaction is and would be diametrically juxtapositioned to hers. I am levelheaded, even-tempered, patient, and non-jealous, almost to a fault. My wife, and I too, have been told by many male acquaintances and friends that they would’ve left her a long time ago under the same conditions and situations that I seem to have just taken in stride over the years. I try to be and act in a way that I would like to be treated in return. I believe that a close relationship, especially a marriage, should be as hassle free as possible, so I do my part to create that type of environment. My wife has even told me that I, in her words, “let her get away with a lot of sh*t” or that no one else would put up with her bullsh*t like I do, or that she feels completely free to be herself with me, or that she knows she would’ve been toast already with anyone else, so I know she sees this quality in me. I just wish it were reciprocal in nature. I’m not looking for pity here, just stating the facts of our marriage as it has existed in the past and as it exists now.

Thank you all for your great responses and input.

MissJ:

Thanks for the 2uote from Glass' book. I'd heard about that one (it's been recommended 2 me), but I hadn't seen any of her stuff. Excellent 2uote!

B:

All my previous kidding aside, you are making a wise choice. I would go so far as 2 say you're making the right choices in your life. Completely, for YOU.

best,
-2long

The more I think about it the more I am inclined to think it best to just let it alone. EVEN if I included my wife, it would just open-up all kinds of questions about who she is, how long did we date, does she have Tig Bitties(wife is very self-conscious about her own size and she shouldn't be), how was she in bed, did you love her, do you still love her, and on and on and on. Even contact on the up-and-up out-in-the-open would still garner suspicions from her. Do you two talk privately? Does she write to you at work? Etc., etc. In all, not worth it. If I was single, I would definitely write back.

s...It is already too "late". If you beleive in the MB principles, especially radical honesty, you should be having theis conversation with your wife, not us...why aren't you? She deserves to know your feelings about this, especially the attraction, that you are concealing this is dishonest, and you are not protecting her, or your marriage, just looking out for yourself, sort of like what ws do...ya know.

I have learned over the years that being "blatantly open and honest" just resulted in my having deal with a whole ration of sh*t, so I am more judicial in how and what I communicate to her. Nothing against her, she is a sweet caring loving soul, but her lack of mental capacity and limited understanding of the world contributes to her natural paranoia and defensive posturing over some of the most basic dealings in human interactions and social interchanges that you and I might just look at as purely mundane in nature.

As a stillborn and resuscitated baby she may have suffered some slight brain damage at birth, but her extreme drug use during her teen years probably confounded and compounded her already less-than-totally-healthy brain, lending her an almost perpetual immaturity and lack of knowledge that defies her age. Let's just say that had I been more prudent and had taken my time courting her and getting to know her a lot better I would've rethought marriage to her and remained her friend, instead. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and here I am now married almost 9 years, so I just accept her as is and applaud any growth in wisdom and maturity I see her as time goes on.

s...ok, having read more, I see you do not actually have a marriage (as one typically thinks a marital relationship should be), but instead have chosen to be her keeper, rather than give up the relationship alltogether. In that case none of the MB stuff applies, so I concur that censoring your interactions with her makes sense. But it puzzles me why one would choose to live this way, and it raises the question of how much your enablement restricts her potential growth (by sheilding her from natural consequences, such as losing ones spouse). Clearly (for whatever reason) you prefer some marital role with her (as her "protector", "saviour", martyrdom, whatever, vs no marital role, but I also wonder what this is doing to you in ways you cannot understand. At the very least it is turning you into a secretive person as evidenced by this post, and no doubt a whole host of other things you do not tell your wife.

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

SUFDB

You are so right. I remember way back when I met her one of my friends asked me if I wasn't just jumping into saviour mode and trying help a damsel in distress....in retrospect I probably was doing just that.

You are also right in that I may not be able to tolerate living the rest of my life with the conditional interactions I am living with right now. I am such a gregarious and social animal and I really do not want have to deal with the constant battles that are spawned from her own insecurities and jealousies. For my own mental health I take one day at a time.

We'll see how I am once the pregnant daughter moves back into the house with her baby (she's at grandma's right now on strict bed rest and will have the baby in that county, not ours, before coming home).

I don't know how things will shape out. If my W starts to take over as the mother of the child and expects me to be "daddy" to it, I do not think I am in for the long-haul. I purposely had no children with her so we could be free of all children by the time I was 51 and she 47, but with this new situation it's like starting all over again and I'm not happy with it in the least.

But for now I look forward to enjoying my vacation time....one day at a time.

One day at a time......