moved post to EN board

Thanks TMCM for the reply

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

The problem I see with of a lot of us husbands is that we tend to tie our displays of affection as preludes to SF, and that is a BIG turn off to the vast majority of wives. Is it any wonder that instead of them feeling sexy they instead feel manipulated? And it doesn't matter if the wife has been faithful or not, for this is an almost universal situation. What to do? Start a pattern of acts of attention, appreciation, and affection that are NOT in any way, shape or form preludes to SF. You might want to read my link bellow to the love diet to give you some ideas. Good luck.

rose man,
now that you two seem to be comunicating so well, maybe it's time come right out and ask her what cuases her to get that special feeling? maybe it has nothing so much to do with love and contentment as it does just raw sex.

maybe she has a kinky imagination and feels kind of embarssed about it. maybe the OM was some one she could do things with on this level because she didn't really care what he thought about her...as apposed to caring what you think of her.

when i got together with my WW again...i behaved totally unlike me! LOL and she behaved totally unlike anyone i ever new before!!!!LOL, LOL let's say i was just not a very tender lover at that point! what i was, was mean and hard and she loved it! go figure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

coach

d_rose, I feel for you and I also understand your WW. I was having some problem in the SF area with my WH( I always look at it or mainly convinced myself that he has an A because his needs in that dept.was not met by me)I was sexually abused by my XH of 3 months(physically too)it was brutal &
scary & it haunts me still.(I have been on counseling and therapy on these issues)I used to cry so much over it,it was 15 years ago. MY WH is an attractive,well built and sexy man that I have no reason not to be attracted to him,because he had done something that reminded me of my XH's way of abusing me,WH though did that same movement as a romantic,passsionate approach whereas XH did it to attack me,I had complained to WH many times about not doing the same movement to me for it haunts me,he could only said to me that "I am not your XH",his not being understanding of my fear gradually become a turn off to me,then I got used to give him excuses not having SF...he could not deal with it anymore hence the A. I feel so much pain,but when I realized that I did not love him enough just at the time his A began,of course he could not respond the same to me anymore,he used to love me very much,he used to say I am his BEST...the timing sucks,and I wish we were open enough about our pain and work together to heal(he was abused as a child for too many years,brutally too)We tend to protect ourselves by attacking the other before being attcaked,so we fought quite a bit,since his A,I was able to look at myself and definitely willing to work on the M that I had also destroyed before his A. Sorry d_rose,I seem to talk too much of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Anyway,what I am trying to say here is that I had never had any problem in SF(even after my XH)until
I encountered the turn off w/ my WH(seems petty to others even to my WH;but the attack I have had w/XH was immense)WH and I used to have very good SF in the beginning till...I don't know how much your W's sexual issue affecting her SF. And; I understand your feeling for I have been unable to to turn my WH on whereas he compared our SF as desert and his with OP's is an ocean(that hurt so much)during his A,my urges to want to be sexually intimate with WH was stronger than ever,not because he found someone else,because I fell in love just at the time he found his piece of cake(I found out 7 months later)The very last time he had MY SF done just because I kept seducing him with 5 diffrent nighties and he cried after the SF,perhaps he cried because he was cheating on OP? Or guilt? Or pity for me? I believe that our M can be restored as I am willing to take the challenge and accepted my faults in the M and want
us to work together in order to heal(from our past abused)d_rose,you know I remember reading your thread titled wife comes home..that you both broke down and cried,that has been what I had been waiting for but it seems that he is gone now,I have no hope in him now,he won't even talk to me now..I miss him,I miss all the great times we have had before his A,his A has done a huge damage in his life,and I know his guilts toward me is great,I had forgiven him too many times,maybe because I was always there and he knew no matter what/how/where/when/why I would be there...so he has me as his safety net?

p.s. I think you made a good hula girl in your costume with the coconut shells on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey d_rose,I feel bad now that I was writing so much earlier on,and mostly about me,my apology. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I do agree with Coach 100%. I know if my WH were to come home,things would be different. I had put some off limits in SF with WH and I know OP would do anything...my fear became the problem,big time,only wish I had an understanding H and me being understanding or we would not be where we are today.

d_rose,you are in my prayers. ALOHA! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

coach,

rose man,now that you two seem to be comunicating so well, maybe it's time come right out and ask her what cuases her to get that special feeling? maybe it has nothing so much to do with love and contentment as it does just raw sex.

maybe she has a kinky imagination and feels kind of embarssed about it. maybe the OM was some one she could do things with on this level because she didn't really care what he thought about her...as apposed to caring what you think of her.


we have talked about this and she doesn't have an answer to what works for her. Our sex life has alway bordered on kinky if not all the way in it. I really don't think that this about just sex. As far as thing with the OM the sexual part of their relationship lasted about a week and a half. The relationship was an intense emotional one and I think that had much to do with them having sex. He was just as messed up as she was. Vacillating between his fiance' of three years and my wife of eight. I do believe that she was in a totally different place then than she is now. She has discovered a lot about what makes her tick and why she felt she needed to leave our marriage.

Wangi,

thanks for your post it helped a lot. I know she has had things happen to her in her life that have skewed her views on love and sex and how they relate to each other. I have never asked my wife what the sex was like with the OM. I assume (I know) that she would have really enjoyed it given the fact that she was still in the mindset that they were soulmates. She has told me since moving back in that one of her fears was that she wouldn't be able to find a sexual partner that pleased her like I did. We are very compatable sexually. Both very curious and willing to experiment a bit.

Realistically I know that this isn't really about me and what I am doing "wrong" and she has told me the same, but that male ego just won't quiet down. Knowing she doesn't have the desire takes a lot of the pleasure out of it for me and I just end up feeling guilty for my need taking precedence over her's even though she has said it is o.k. She is attending Al-anon meetings and also seeing a therapist about her childhood issues.

Our relationship has never been as good as it is right now. Both of us have became each other's best friends. Like someone said in a thread yesterday "I didn't know I loved her that much." The things she faced and overcome are amazing. I have more respect and admiration for no one else like I do for her.

I wish you luck Wangi in your situation.

The hula outfit was from a murder-mystery party we hosted where I played "Leilani" The seductive island temptress. Thanks for the compliment....I think. mahalo

God Bless

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

OK Leilani(heavenly flower,yes!)Mahalo nui loa for responding. I know I envy you in some way, I admire that you and your wife can be best friend,my WH does not even want to talk to me anymore. WH thinks of OP as some understanding and loving person (so understanding that she kept telling him to go back and work on the M "while" she still sleep with him...?!)he goes to OP for SF and came to me for emotional support that he could not get from OP,when I was still living at home,he would not know the diffrence,he has her outside of home and me at home,he had both,all his needs were met,after I moved out,he asked of my emotional support whenever she did not meet his needs in some area... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> He did not really tell me about his sex life with OP,I asked,he answered that I was better,but then he told someone on MB(a male,via phone and email) that it was great with OP,he also posted a response saying that ours were like desert and theirs are ocean,I read about it on MB and hurt by it. I know his A is about sex he admitted that many times but he seem unable to detach himself from OP after an ongoing A for 20 months now. I remember when we were married(still,but on paper)he would not want me to leave him alone(even if I was just going to take a trip abroad to visit my family)he was very attached to me...gone gone gone.

Take care of you and I know God is watching over you and all of us. Be patient.

I think I'll go home and pull out the C & K cd's now. i am sure that my wife would say that her sex with the OM was wonderful. She already thought they were soulmates and when the had sex I am sure that completed the connection. Now I think she would say different because she was in such a different place then. I am sure that she still has very strong feelings for him but I don't think she considers that realationship to be a s perfect as she did then.

I hope your H comes around soon. you be patient too, o.k. Your post helped me through a rough day thanks again.

God bless

d_rose,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I'll go home and pull out the C & K cd's now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is that C & K as in Cecilio and Kapono, or something else?

And you're probably right. She's got a different view of many things now. Just don't let your imagination run wild on you ok?

Talk at you later.

A hui hou.

S&C <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Is that C & K as in Cecilio and Kapono, or something else?

most assuredly. Funny now that i think about it they have a song "I am the other man" don't they??

I wanted to say thanks to you guys for posting today. I Felt like total crap today. My mind was racing about all this stuff, I was busy as heall at work and I was trying to put some coherent thoughts on paper (screen). You guys made a difference today.

TMCM--excellent advice. you usually give it pretty straight. At first I got defensive but then I got to thinking that was how I have been in the past. It has only been in the last year that my affections have been about her not me. I am sure that will take some getting used too.

coach---i cetainy hope you are right....except about the kink with the OM

Wangi---thanks bunches. Thanks for helping me understand a little better. God Bless you.

s&c---you're right thanks for the email....between me and you right?

Where's my terry loco plate???? (Candies in Hilo, good stuff)

God Bless

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>