I am very new at this ,I don't use a computer much so please be patient. I don't know where to begin ,but all I know is I,m feeling so desperate for solutions. My H has been back for 2 months now and we are supposedly working on our M, He did leave for about 6 weeks ,during this time he was seeing OW,or should i say girl for she is only 18. During the whole time ,before i really found out what was going on and when i did find out the truth i have been understanding, caring and tried to meet all his needs,like outlined in the books, and i never even read them yet. Even my counselor said she has never seen anyone handle this like I have. Yet i don't want a medal for this. I have talked this OW,and have never said a bad thing to or about her. She was an employee of ours, was friends with my D's age 16 &15 .To complicate matters more we lost the buisness and are in the worst finacial turmoil of our lives. I don't even know if we can keep our house. My H has been out of work ,I have been working. I know he is depressed,but wont admit it. He does see individul counselor. He came back to me because he said he loves me and can't picture life without me ,doesn't want to give up family. He also feels he is being selfish for her sake, not wanting her to miss out on things she should be doing. She is willing to do whatever ,give up everything, to be with him .She feels he is her soulmate,and thinks its only because of her age he is not with her she is willing to wait. The problem is ,he is still calling her ,2x a day. I tell him this is making me feel horrible. He thinks he is only talking,he feels responsible ,says she has feelings too ,it's not doing any harm, he knows he wants to be with me. Every book i read says its not possible to reconcile as long as there is contact with the OW. When i tell him this ,he says he can't or even won't stop talking to her ,can't hurt her anymore tan he has. My friend tells me I have to stop putting up with this ,or as it sounds go to plan B. I don't know why I am scared to take this step,probably scared he will chose her. I don't know what to do. He wont read the books with me. Last night it kind of came to a conflict ,he got frustrated saying we keep going over the same thing.He feels suffocated , doesn't feel like a person,because he feels he can't make a move without me.I don't nag him but I do ask questions about what they talk about. he feels like every time he goes anywhere i am thinking he is doing something wrong.

Hi,

I probably don't give good MB advice, but I'm sure someone who can will be here shortly.

My H was like that...wanted to work on the marriage but thought he could still be "just friends" with OW, didn't want to hurt her. I told him from the start that it wouldn't work. There was some continued contact but it has ended now after 8 months. I didn't Plan B, (I couldn't do it either) I think we're traveling in the right direction now though. We've both learned a lot.

My suggestion is to do a good Plan A, be loving and patient (to a point) and see what happens. Tell him you want honesty and let him be honest without LBing. And continue to tell him the kindest thing he can do for you and the OW is to end contact so you and he can rebuild your marriage.

I wish you luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

cmdp21463 -

If you think about it for a few minutes, I think you'll realize that an 18yo is unlikely to be mature enough to understand the implications of her actions. Oh, sure, lots of them ARE, but lots aren't. And this one clearly isn't. When you add to that the hormonal fog of an adulterous affair? Man, it gets ugly.

Having said that, have you talked to her parents about this affair? For that matter, if it started when she was less than 18, you may have a lot more trouble on your hands.

This is a time when you have got to reach out to EVERY SINGLE person that you know and love. Your husband is caught in a terribly addictive trap, and so is your whole family. If you have a clergyman that you trust, go to him or her. Talk to your family. Talk to your husband's family. As for help anywhere and everywhere that you can. You need it. He needs it. Your daughters need it.

I understand that this will feel like it'll turn your world even further on its head. Truthfully, though? Your world is already on its head and falling apart to boot. Now is not the time to be shy or to "protect" anyone from being "hurt" by exposure of your problems. It's like being an alcoholic. The first step is to admit you have a problem and ask for help.

There are lots and lots of steps after this first one. But this is the first one.

Do all this lovingly: You are in a situation where your H, and his affair partner, and your whole family, are in deep trouble. HE needs help. SHE needs help. YOU need help.

What does SHE need? She needs to never see him or talk to him again. Come on! She's 18 years old! She's got a whole life ahead of her and she has to start living it right now, not expecting your H to help her through it.

What does HE need? He needs to let her go and recover. And then start putting his emotional and physical energy into your family.

What do YOU need? Support! Support to stay loving with your H as long as you can, and to stay strong and firm in your negotiations for the complete end to their relationship. You need the support of as many people as you can get it from. They're going to hold you up for a while, because you're going to feel like you can't stand on your own two feet. The people who love and respect you will do that for you.

Good luck, cmdp. It's a hard road you have ahead of you. Keep reading here, keep posting here. There are lots of us who're walking down the road a little ahead of you. We can support you by pointing out ways that work, and ways that are dead ends. And sometimes we can just make you laugh when the day seems to be completely dark. And that's important, too.

Thanks for your advice and support. I do have support from my family and a few friends that i have told. I know she is young and doesn't really understand it all. I have talked to her personally ,and was civil doing so. I told her what it was doing to my family, to me, told her to think very carefully ,said starting a relationship this way was off to a bad start because it was based on lying. She said she was leaving it up to my H to decide what to do and would stand by his decision. I know she has issues to be attracted to a man 23 yrs older,or maybe the age isn't really the issue but the fact he is married is. My H thinks he is different from anyone else this has happened to. he says he loves me ,never had any problems with me,would never thought this could happen to him.Says He also loves her, just as much as he loves me ,thinks it is possible to love two people,his counsilor agrees. He thinks it was just a chemistry between them, some special connection,of course he thinks she is very mature and special. This whole think is very strong emotional attachment. I try to explain about his needs /her needs and something that was missing, we did not have a perfect marriage. He doesn't buy any of that. We have been together for 23 yrs since we were 18, married for 17 yrs. I have been trying hard to be loving, patient, without doing any LB's. But it gets so hard sometimes,i feel like giving up,feel beat. I was actually thinking of contacting OW mother,but I don't want to start any touble either. Her parents know about this she told them. I would have thought they would have contacted me. Her Father had an affair ,this is when she first started working fo us,parents were seperated but got back together. My H feels he can never see himself not talking to her, thinks he will talk to her 20 yrs from now.A few times he had mentioned to her about not talking and she said no, she would call him.And he cleary states he doesn't want to stop anyways,probably feels i am just forcing him.It really gets to me, i think i start thinking i must be wrong,,I feel like I the one who did something wrong. I have to keep reminding myself I am thinking rationally. I know things will always be different between us, it will no longer be only us,we will always have this ghost.How do you get by this. Does it get better?

The WS needs to be plan B'd by you. However, you must understand what that means and be ready for the consquences.

Your H is displaying cakelike symptoms and the OW is meeting his need.

Where are her parents in this? ARe they enabling her?

The OW and WS are feeding on each other's ENs. If his actions are not in line with what you and your family needs, give Steve or Jennifer a call and let them guide you.

I am a strong short plan A and swift plan B advocate but this is often hard to do.

What have you read from here?

L.

cmd,

This is the consequence when one lets a WS come back without setting boundaries. That little tidbit doens't help you now, but it is something to remember in the future.

I agree 100% with Orchid. This situation is ripe for Plan B. You are, essentially, enabling the affair by your willingness to meet his needs. This simply prolongs his affair and prevents him from seeing that this affair is simply a fantasy where most of his needs are not met. That is why I suggest Plan B ASAP.

I would also suggest that you stop trying to educate in the meantime. It is a major lovebuster.

<small>[ August 29, 2003, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

the truth is that your husband who believes he can't hurt this eighteen year old child anymore...actually has already hurt..and is hurting her with each and every contact...

logistically and on a maturity level..they are not equal...and he is engrossing her and involving her in life experiences that are damaging to her...

She needs to be relating too and dealing with issues, experiences, and peers that are age appropriate to her. Those experiences are needed to help her develop good life skills and trust in her ability to make decisions...

nothing of this unequal relationship will end well and she does not have the wisdom or experience to realize how toxic your husband is to her...and what her contact does to her ...to skew her views on her peers..as well has hold her back from her life...

your husband is crueler not to end contact...
AND I would tell him that with one valiant attempt...

BUT since we can't change/control anyone but ourselves...

I would definately inform this girls parents...of continued contact..

I would have you set your boundaries and limits and remove yourself from there triangle..

I am very concerned about your husbands involvement with someone so very young...and wonder was she even of age when this started...

I am very concerned about the impact this has on your own daughters so close in age....

ask your husband how he will feel when next year his 17 year old starts dating a 40 year old man...

it's a fair question...

I would protect my children from this situation...I would remove myself and them from his fog..

each call is him choosing her over you and your children..
his actions speak for themselves...

I realize this post is painful...
I am sorry...for your pain and for his actions...
ark <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi cmd,

Perhaps your husband is getting a big ego boost by having a relationship with a teenager and just doesn't want to give it up. Some men and flattery and all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

However, he is the adult and should behave as such. An 18 yr old does not have the experience or knowledge (I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) to handle this kind of situation with an older married man and your husband is not teaching her anything good!

Does he realize how badly this hurts you?

Thanks again for advice and support. I know I didn't set boundaries before he came back ,I wished I had known about some of the concepts before this all happened. I think these books should be given to everyone at their wedding! My H swears this didn't start before she was 18 ,although they knew there was something "special "between them from when they first met. He gets mad when people think he only wants her for the sex because she is young, he says that is not it ,he loves her. I think it is more an emotional attachment. He tells me he is more physically attracted to me. I know it it hard to believe someone who lied and cheated, but I also know what kind of person he is. He fails like a failure with me ,always let me down and now with losing the buisness especially. He doesn't feel like that with her ,I know it is an ego boost to have a young, beautiful girl want him. He feels she could have any one ,and she loves him ,he doesn't think he is attractive, yes he is a little overweight ,and now he has no money. So he feels her feelings are true ,she really loves him. There are so many things we talked about its hard to explain the whole situation. But the bottom line is now he says he knows what he wants, wants me to trust him. But everytime I talk about him not calling her he says he can't do that. I tried to tell him he is hurting her more. He says this is her choice ,she wants to talk with him,and he does too, it is all he has left he told me the other day. I tell him it is killing me everytime he talks to her and asked why don't my feelings matter.I tried to let it go and not say anything to him about their calls. I feel like my only choice is to deal with it or give him the ultimative. He thinks these calls will fade away ,she will see its going nowhere, and she will eventually start go out and dating, but I disagree,as long as they talk she will hold on and there will be a risk of something happening. We do go to marriage counsiling ,but he doesn't seem to focus on the A,in fact I don't know what we are getting from it. I know plan B is the thing to do ,but I don't know if I can. Its so hard to have to go through that pain again ,because I know he will probably see her. Sometimes I feel like he wants me to end everything so it will be easier. Although he did tell me when he came back that even if he couldn't be with me , he wouldn't be with her either, becausse it wasn't fair to her. I don't know if that would hold true anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmdp21463:
<strong>Thanks again for advice and support. I know I didn't set boundaries before he came back ,I wished I had known about some of the concepts before this all happened. I think these books should be given to everyone at their wedding! My H swears this didn't start before she was 18 ,although they knew there was something "special "between them from when they first met. He gets mad when people think he only wants her for the sex because she is young, he says that is not it ,he loves her. I think it is more an emotional attachment. He tells me he is more physically attracted to me. I know it it hard to believe someone who lied and cheated, but I also know what kind of person he is. He fails like a failure with me ,always let me down and now with losing the buisness especially. He doesn't feel like that with her ,I know it is an ego boost to have a young, beautiful girl want him. He feels she could have any one ,and she loves him ,he doesn't think he is attractive, yes he is a little overweight ,and now he has no money. So he feels her feelings are true ,she really loves him. There are so many things we talked about its hard to explain the whole situation. But the bottom line is now he says he knows what he wants, wants me to trust him. But everytime I talk about him not calling her he says he can't do that. I tried to tell him he is hurting her more. He says this is her choice ,she wants to talk with him,and he does too, it is all he has left he told me the other day. I tell him it is killing me everytime he talks to her and asked why don't my feelings matter.I tried to let it go and not say anything to him about their calls. I feel like my only choice is to deal with it or give him the ultimative. He thinks these calls will fade away ,she will see its going nowhere, and she will eventually start go out and dating, but I disagree,as long as they talk she will hold on and there will be a risk of something happening. We do go to marriage counsiling ,but he doesn't seem to focus on the A,in fact I don't know what we are getting from it. I know plan B is the thing to do ,but I don't know if I can. Its so hard to have to go through that pain again ,because I know he will probably see her. Sometimes I feel like he wants me to end everything so it will be easier. Although he did tell me when he came back that even if he couldn't be with me , he wouldn't be with her either, becausse it wasn't fair to her. I don't know if that would hold true anymore.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">one more questionhow do you call Steve or Jennifer?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Call toll-free 1 (888) 639-1639

Info is on homepage at left. Good luck!