H and I went out on a date last night. Had supper did some shopping and went for dinner and rented movies to watch at my house. He has spend the past 3 nights here. We watched the 1st movie (anger management) and then went to lay down and watched the 2nd. He held me througout the movie and actually said "I love you" I was so happy I cried... and could not answer back but I gave him a kiss. A few minutes later I told him I love you back. (I don't think he knew I was crying at least I hope he did not) Anytime I cry he feels more guilty. After the movie was over he wanted to know why I picked the movie because it was not a movie I would normally get... He is afraid I am doing things I don't want to do just for him. I told him I watched the movie on TV and laughed my A$$ off. I told him that I did not see much of the movie because I am normally asleep by 12:00 and I did not have my glasses on. But I knew he would like the movie and it was funny so I rented it. He is also afraid my need for being physical is just for him.. I explained that this was a normal stage of my recovery according to many people I have talked to. (I did not go into the reasons why I feel this stage happens)maybe I should have. But I told him I was not doing it just to make him happy... but I said it would be nice if you enjoyed it too Basically assured him I was doing what I was doing (everything I have changed since he moved out in June) for me and because it was what I wanted but I hoped he liked the changes too.... however, this is the new me and I don't know if that can be changed now. I do appreciate everyone's support. Thank you. I try to give support here to others when I know what to say!

I tend to analyze everything... I am not going to analyze those words from him last night of "I love you" I am just going to try to believe that is what he ment and keep that smile on my face the rest of the day

Tami

<small>[ September 27, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Tami ]</small>

well from good to bad. I know this is normal. did not see H Thurs. called and chatted before bed. Plan was for me to stay at this house Fri. night. H called Friday night around 8 pm sounded like he missed me and wanted to know if I was going to spend the night. I told him I was leaving here about 9 pm. I packed up and went down there. (h was still at work) I took a shower and relaxed watched a movie and went to sleep. It was 1 am before he came home. H is a cop and had to work till town was quiet. He came in and shut off the radio turned the light on and woke me up. Asked how much $$ I had. I said I don't know. He was very upset. He was saying crap like he could not do this. This was wrong. He couldn't be here. Asked again how much $$ I had and I tried to estimate. He said he thought me coming down and staying the night would be great but he can't do it. never did hug me kept coming up to me and grabbing my head saying please don't be angry you know I am trying right?
Then said he just needs a few days maybe. I asked exactly what the problem was him being in the house, him being with me? He said he thought it was him being with me tonight. I said do you want me to stay here and you go to my house or do you want me to go home. He said he could not be with me tonight. So I packed up got dressed and went home. Cried the entire way home. I called when I got home to make sure he was not thinking of hurting himself.

Now..... What do I do. It seems every Friday he gets upset about something and it is Sunday before I hear from him. He has not done anything specifically to make me think he is being untruthful about the NC w/ ow. But today I am having such big doubts. I am thinking of telling him that when he is upset he needs to deal with it. I am willing to help but he can no longer hide from me every 5 days. Last night I think he should have said he was having a bad day and just wanted to go to sleep. Then I would have just continued to sleep. He woke me up at 1 am knowing I was up at 4 am the morning before. Then he hurt me once again emotionally. It was a 1/2 hour drive home and then 1 hr before I could get back to sleep. I think I am going to tell him that I am done playing at being married. He needs to move in for good. I am going to tell him we need to talk and what ever we say he can't "run away" to think. I am going to tell him I am trying to trust him but last night has caused all sorts of doubts so I need to ask him a few questions and he needs to understand and not get mad. I am going to ask him if he saw OW last night and that is why he was upset. I am going to ask if he is back with OW. After I get those answers I am going to tell him what will happen if he ever has another A with anyone.

I am so angry right now. It seems like every weekend he is an a$$ like this. I am getting very tired of having these doubts. I am sick of this roller coaster that keep getting bigger... higher highs and lower lows.

I had a bad day yesterday too. Triggers everywhere. The thing I needed last night most was for him to hold me. Once again he refused.

Advise please.
Tami

Tami, I feel so bad that you had to go through this. I can almost ASSURE you that he is still in contact with the OW. There is no other reason for this behavior. That is why I think you desperately need to go into Plan B as I said before. He is simply having his cake and eating it too.

It will stay that way until you take some action here and start taking steps to protect yourself. By staying in contact with him and not setting down boundaries, you, in effect, are enabling his affair.

There are some very good Plan B letter examples on this forum. Please take a look at them and consider going into Plan B. That might be the only thing that will save your marriage. At the very worst, it will save your sanity.

I went down to H house to tell him what I said above I was going to say. I got there both cars were gone. And soon OW came driving up in one with a car load of belongings. He asekd me to leave his house last night so she could move in.
she and I had a 3 hr conversation while we waited for H to get home. He has told her many lies about what is going on with us. He got there and told me it was over between us and we were going to divorce. He asked her to move in with him. I am so hurt. It is killing me. I did do a good plan A but can I ever take him back? Everything seemed to be going so good. He told me everything he had told me in the past 3 wks was a lie. He was only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. OUCH! someone take the knife out of my back. Please. I am at my sister's tonight. I could not go home too many new memories. I need support and help. I am going to seek counseling Mon. and see every divorce lawyer I can find so he has a tough time finding one. since here they can not represent someone who they have already spoken with the other spouse.

My world feels like it is ending... I know life will go on I just don't know how at this point.
going plan B now.
Tami

Tami,
I know you are despairing right now, but this situation is FAR FROM hopeless. While this looks like a setback, it is actually a step forward because now the truth has come out. It is also positive in that if you leave the scene entirely via Plan B, he will be forced to get all of his needs met entirely from the OW. She won't be able to do that.

Because of that, the affair will die a quicker death. As long as you were meeting some needs and the OW was meeting some, he could continue his affair.

So, do not give up hope! This affair is now on a fast track to the graveyard. You just have to play your cards right so that you will be in good standing when it all dies. You have the weekend to collect your thoughts and start putting together ideas for a good Plan B letter. And in the meantime, please do not contact him!

Hang tight, Tami, this will all work out one way or the other. You will come through this ok.

I already emailed him and told him plan B. Basically said that I loved him very much but i was not going to continue to ride on his rollercoaster of life. That the way he did this was the most hurtfulthing he has done. I told him that was between him and God. That I was truely sorry he did not see the blessing God has given him this past 3 wks. That I wanted no contact with him till they were done and he had finally decided he wanted me. the conditions would be that he had to go to counseling, had to moved back in the house, and had to committ to the marriage for more than a month trial period.

I think I did a good plan A. but as far as needs met I have no idea. He said that he could be open and honest with her but he could not be that for me. However he has lied to her as much as he has me. but then he says to her it was not lies... It was the truth. I can not believe that everything over the past 3 wks has been a lie. they have not seen eachother but 1 time since 8-22 but numerous phone calls. so they both say anyhow. I am just feeling like such a fool for sleeping with him when he was just going to throw me out the door and it ment nothing to him. I wish I could stop hurting and be angry... anyone know how to do that... Mon. I am going to visit several divorce lawyers, seek counseling, and maybe some kind of pill to help me through this. I did not sleep a wink last night. I am not doing well. I still hope I will go home and he will have called. Not that I would return his phone call but it would help to know it is working.

My family is being supportive but are also saying that no matter what I cannot take him back. I really don't know what to do. but I know I am not goingto make any decisions for a while.

Tami

I have gone plan B. All my family wants me to rush out and divorce him. I am not ready to make that decision. I really think I did such a good plan A the past month that he will have to miss me. We had physical relations so much he was exhausted almost everyday. Much more than we ever have previously. Seemed I could not get enough and I am told that was normal. I took care of him, and made him know how I felt for him. I was his friend and a help in anything he needed. He says the past 3 wks on his part was a lie but I don't believe it was all a lie. I don't know. He could be spending all day with the OW and I know he has been at his aunt's (because I have to go past on my way home from about anywhere) since about noon. HMMM>>>> I though she was this wonderful creature whom he could not resist. Whatever. I don't know if I can take him back if he ever wakes up and wants to. My family will hate me for doing it I think. I have told them that right now I need their support and I am the only one allowed to bad mouth my H. I am still talking to God. I am feeling better today... but still hurting. I can use all the support I can get... for some reason it calms me when I get responses from everyone here. (I even gave the OW this website and my copy of the book SA) I just asked that she did not read my posts and that I get the book back. Moment of weakness I guess... Or maybe if she finally realizes that there maybe a future with her H she will leave mine alone.

Now I need help in writing a plan B letter... I have already told him I want NC till he and OW are over. The conditions of return will be NC, Counseling, and moving home... No pretending to be married anymore. Along with committing to the marriage for more than a month. Anyone that could help me word that would be wonderful.
Tami

This is the plan B letter I have written Please advise what you all think before I send it.

XXXX,

I love you very much first you must know that. However I
will not allow you to continue to put my life on your
rollercoaster.

As I said this afternoon I want no contact with you untill
you have finally decided it is me you want. And you are
committed to make our marriage work for more than a month
trial period. Once this happens I have the following
conditions. Absolutly no contact with Jodie. You have to
agree to go to counseling. You have to be honest with me.
We can not live in XXXX. (where he lives now) You will have to move home if
you want to keep our marriage. I will take no less at this
point. Someday in the future maybe if all this happened we
could discuss living arrangements. If you need to
communicate do it online or through your Aunt XXXX.

After everything you have told me and done with me in the
past 3 wks what you have done now is unspeakable. You are
the only one to blame because I tried to make my end work.
This is your decision and the consequences are between you
and God. After all the guilt you felt for doing what you
have done you are now setting yourself up for more. Don't
look for your wedding ring because I have it. Maybe one
day when I am feeling better I will let you have the things
you have left in my house.

I am truely sorry you can not see the blessing God has
given you the past 3 wks. I hope one day We can get over
what has happened. It speaks volumes that you can not even
be truthful with Mrs. XXXX. (OW)

I must go to the doctor and get an important test. And I
am going to seek counseling.

I will go for now love. Please respect my request.

Mrs. Tami XX

Tami,

Have you already sent this letter? I hope some of the Plan B letter pros will weigh in here and help, but here is what I see. I think you should delete all recriminations and ultimatims from this letter. For example, this entire paragraph is a lovebuster that has to go:

"After everything you have told me and done with me in the past 3 wks what you have done now is unspeakable. You are the only one to blame because I tried to make my end work."

The idea is to end contact [ALL contact, not even email], convey your love to him, outline your criteria for a path back and subtly convey that you won't be there waiting forever. NO BLAME.

Any loose ends should be wrapped up in the letter in order to avoid future contact. You don't want to get in a situation where you are still communicating via email. If you haven't sent the letter yet, I would suggest waiting a few days to send it. In a few days, reality is going to start setting in and he is going to say to himself: "what in the world have I done??"

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

tami--i will try to respond to the letter later---short on time right now. but please do this as soon as possible---CHANGE YOUR SCREEN NAME NOW!!!

you gave it to ow---she will turn this on you. change it now.