I dont know why I started reading this.


I am so sorry for your wife and child. I hope you realize the horror you will bring into everyone's life if you don't be a man and stop this.

Soul mates are romance novel bull crap...youre in the fog. I am glad you came here for help.

If you truly have any love for your unborn child, and compassion for your wife, any concern for the OW or any self-respect left you will take the advice here you have been given. Wake up from the nightmare...you truly have no idea.

I am not the person to give you solid how to advice because this issue hits to close to home...but if ever in your life you saw a wreck where people were mangled and thought...Wow if only they would have turned right instead of left...they would have avoided all of this devestation...this is your chance to make the life saving turn. Take it!

ayslyne

I know of a couple, friends of a friend, who are going through recovery right now. Her H cheated on her while she was pregnant...actually, she's due any day now. It's been very very hard. Very traumatic. His W has gone to more than one lawyer, convinced that it's over. Yet, they calm down, and go back to work, and make it another day. Your marriage can't recover without honesty...that's a given.

It seems to me that your biggest fear is having your needs unmet if you stay in your marriage. You think you are somehow unique in that fear?? How many of us fear rejection, betrayal, and abandonment from our partners??? It was that fear and my stupid pride that had us seperated and just weeks away from divorce. But the more I read, the more I kept hearing the same theme. Opposites attract, and ANYONE can be happy in a marriage...you just have to learn how. So...divorce seemed a far scarier option than just TRYING one more time.

I said before, my H and I are opposites. In MANY ways. I'm outgoing, he's quiet,...well, except for right now as he read over my shoulder and told me I spelled quiet wrong...and I spelled it right!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> hee hee Okay...He likes to watch the Discovery channel, and I like mysteries and deep shows that question science, religion and human nature. He likes the predictable, I love to just go with the flow! Our hobbies differ, our jobs differ, our personalities are just different. But we LOVE each other, so we bridge our differences! I tag along with him through farm shows, and he grants me some freedom to check out new things. Where we are weak, and the other is strong, we both work to better ourselves in that area. I try to be more financially responsible, he tries to lighten up and let me have a new toy every now and then. I'm willing stay home and do nothing on occasion (okay, I entertain myself with the net and my books) and he's willing to go on a date of my choosing once in a while! The key is not what we're doing...it's how we'e doing it. It's alllll in the attitude. We both have much better attitudes towards the other person. We respect our differences and work cheerfully towards finding value in them! We LIKE being together, no matter what we're doing or not doing. Period. We're happy! Would it be easier to like my husband if he liked to spend money and run around the countryside and read all the same books and watch all the same shows??? NO!!! It might be easy at first, but after a while I'd want some space to think my own thoughts, to have my SEPERATE interests! I like to be an individual and I like my husband to be an individual. We entertain each other that way. And we are still very very close.

Essentially, what I'm saying, is that while your fear isn't unfounded, it doesn't HAVE to be the outcome. You CAN be happy with your wife and have a happy family life. You just have to choose it. And your actions have to follow accordingly.

No one said it's easy. But you've already done the deed. Nothing past this point will be easy. You can waste time re-inventing the past in your mind and wishing things had been different...you can waste time dreaming a future that can't exist...or you can change your life, this very minute.

Hi ... welcome here and kudos to you for trying to figure this out.

I thought it was kind of a load of bull when I first came here and people said WS always follow the same script. I've been here since september and I now know that it is the honest to God truth!

You sound EXACTLY like my WH!! When he had been with OW for about a month and a half, he explained to me how weird it was, but that he thought he was willing to give up everything to be with her!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Here's what he listed would probably happen:
his parents would disown him and have more respect for me,
my parents would hate him,
my family would hate him,
he would lose all of our friends,
all of our friends would totally support me,
he would possibly lose his job,
if he didn't lose his job he would lose the respect of everyone and never get another promotion,
he would be living in some sh***y apartment and not in our beautiful home we just remodeled,
he would lose my love and respect,
he would probably lose the love and respect of his two children

He said he only would care about what our children thought ... and then added, what I thought.

Everyone/thing he has had or worked for all his life ... he was (and still is) contemplating giving all of this up for someone he has known for one and a half months! Not trying to be rude, but he, and you, are not in your right minds.

He's also very strong, responsible, secure, level-headed (just off balance right now), a great leader, well-respected.

Tell your W before she finds out from BF or someone else. My H was the one that told me. I am so thankful that I didn't hear it from anyone else. It may have changed the way I'm reacting now had a friend, neighbor or relative told me.

Right now, I'm still in this M for the long haul. I'm willing to wait for him to figure out his life. Patsy Kline was right! There have been many tough days and there will be many very tough days ahead.

I truly believe that we will have a much better M if we stay together and work through this TOGETHER. I want to connect with him the way they connect. I'm trying to now meet the needs I left unmet that she is meeting now. I also felt disconnected from H. Maybe your W is feeling that also and if you approach this and try to get closer to her she will be thankful you took the first step.

God bless you! Thanks for keepin' on reading. We're here for you!

<small>[ November 09, 2003, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Stung by a Bee ]</small>

Fighter, What kind of woman would take a man from his loving, pregnant wife? Even youth doesn't excuse that kind of selfishness and cruelty.

one other thing. The Jon and Sue soulmate affair in Surviving an Affair is exactly my situation. My H and OW haven't had the length of Greg and Sue's A, but emotionally speaking, they feel the same way about each other. Just like you and your OW do, just like many, MANY WS and OP do.

More food for thought. Don't get full just yet. I'm sure there will be more good stuff to come. I'm hoping your dessert (and mine) will be a healthy, honest, mature, open M!

This is my first post here. I usually just read.

I was seven months pregnant when I discovered my husbands three month affair. That was over two an a half years ago. We are recovering. There is still pain at times but our relationship is better then it ever has been. We have been married thirteen years.

I wanted to tell you that you have no idea of the reaction you will get and the guilt you will feel when your wife finds out. It will blow apart your world. All this fantasy will suddenly seem like so much stupidity when faced with the very real and deep crisis you will provoke. Expect your medical bills to skyrocket. This kind of stress is hell on a pregnancy. You may think that perhaps you should just keep it a secret but that will kill your marriage and any hope of respectful co parenting later.

You are likely effected by this pregannay more than you know. Maybe you are afraid of the responsibility and worry that you are missing out. Will never get another chance to be with someone else. All those are normal reactions.

Spend time with your new baby. Go with your wife to the doctor. Listen to the heartbeat. See the ultrasound. See that this is real. This will be your child, no matter what you decide. The child exists. Now you are a father and have to act like one.

I have had crushes before and thought that I found my soul mate. This crisis has woken me up. I also was in a fog. A fog about what love and commitment really are. How they are created and maintained. You are playing a child's game. So is your OW. Yuo are about to step out of the T.V. mini drama of your affair into a real life hurricane. You may think I am exagerating but the people here are not kidding. We are trying to express to you the shock and devistation that will come to your whole family and ultimately to you.

I worry for you and for your wife and for your child. I don't worry for your OW because she is playing a game. She will recover and move on and will not likely have the lasting scars that you, your wife and child will bear. Hopefully all this pain will lead to something better. Something real and deep and abiding. That is after all what a family is.

Wow! Are you hear to get your ears scratched? I are you hoping to find someone who says - Go for it dude! Reap the profit of a younger woman. Reap the profit of a woman that is not going through the up and down of a pregnancy. Just imagine what it would be like - ah won't it be so sweet! She truly does love you becasue how else could she - your everything she wants - A man willing to leave his wife during pregnancy showing her how much you love her. Wow! Your the man! Go for it! Do it! ---- Is that the kind of crap that you want to hear?

Dude, wake up! Wouldn't it be interesting if somehow this is actually your sister....hmmmm. could that be possible?

I am a BS and I am thinking that you sound like my WW. Of course she did not tell me and is still denying that anything is going on. Of course I have the divorce papers to show me that nothing is going on. She has moved out! She is of course trying to get the house though because she has needs and it cannot be met where she moved into. It is all for the kids - don't you know!

I am glad that you are here and that you are reading. I am sad that you are where you are at. It sounds to me that your W has never beaten you during the pregnancy? It sounds like she has eyes for you and you alone. That she is so happy to have a man that wants to be a father! How does your wife look at you now? Is she there for you? Was she meeting your EN's and PN beforehand? Do you even want kids? I can tell you that I did not - but when they were born I was there in the operating room. I cannot tell you how much I cried and how scared I was when they let me hold my little girls. They are awesome man! It was incredible - I could not stop telling my wife how much I loved her - how incredible she is to go through all the pain and emotional struggles to bear God's gift!

If my message comes across in the wrong way - then I do apologize - or do I.

I want to take this and all the posts and send it to my wife who is kissing and hugging her OM in front of the girls when we haven't even gotten divorced. She hasn't even told them any of the truth as to what is going on. Dude - stop looking at yourself and lusting. Stop looking for someone to have as a buddy - someone that will support you and in your eyes alway tell you how great you are. That they just want to do your hobbies with you. Can I ask a question? Did your wife make this child on her own? Is it your sperm? Cause if it is - what makes you think that if you are with this OW that she might get pregnant before she wants to. Of course if she knows that you are willing to do know - I wonder how she will see you down the road when your a not the man she envisioned you to be - especially when she is coming at least it seems from a relationship that is not working for her. I think I have heard that as a rebound? hmmm.. I wonder.....

Fighter,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He watches her cell phone. He doesn't trust her and actually has a hint that something is going on with her and I. Long story, no reason to go there but he's got a pretty good clue. So, I'm going crazy because I don't hear from her. Now I'm right back where I was. She had good reason for not calling and I believe her. I mean, we are both sneaking around. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this really what your "dreams" are about. Knowing that your "Soulmate" is fantastic when it comes to sneaking, lying and not a person you will "ever" be able to trust????
OW once made her BF feel the same as she is making you feel. She told her bf the same things she is telling you.

He is now experiencing what he never would of "believed" in.

So if you really believe that OW is your dream and your "Soulmate" pack your bags and give up what you now have. You will have nothing to loose if OW is really so terrific.!!!!

OW will help you through all the pain and she'll have NO problems helping you out with your "newborn". She's going to "replace" all these wonderfull feelings and you're not going to "miss" anything that you had!!!

Ther fact that you really "believe" that your "relationship" with OW is based on honesty and complete truth should make you "feel good".
Is this really true????

If your relationship was "meant to be" why are you not acting that way???
Why aren't you "prowd" about what you are doing???

Why can't you tell the world that you have "found you soulmate"?
I mean this hardly ever happens, so you MUST be an exception.
This really must be something "special" so why are you having such a hard time "packing your bags" and "going for your "wonderfull" soulmate?

Your "unborn" child isn't going to be the problem. Just "pay" the bucks and due to the fact that OW is your soulmate, she'll tell you what is "right and what is wrong".

Gosh, please "pull your head" out of the "garbage can" and "WAKE UP"!!!!!!!!

All "relationsships" start off this way. When you meet you believe life is heaven. Your hormones are at a high. This is what is called the "In love hormone". It's a chemical process in your body and you see things "PINK!"
Everything about OW appears to be wonderfull and you feel love. You feel excited and you feel "meant to be for one another".
This is "normal" for the beginning.

But believe me: It doesn't last!!!! This feeling will leave you after approx. 6 months.
You will then have a "WAKE UP" and you'll see things as they actually are. A MESS and you will then see the "MISERY" of what you "thought was so great.

You and OW are showing how "LOW" you can be, nothing more and nothing less. If you were a MAN with pride you wouldn't be in such a mess.


So stop "crying" and decide what you want. A Honest relationship or one that you will never "trust".?

Sorry that this is harsch but do you really want to loose what you now have???

You are not giving 100% to your wife and your unborn. If you would be, you'd be getting 100% back. Think about that.

One more thing: You know "NOTHING" about OW. You know what she wants you to know, nothing more and nothing less.

bb

Why do I get the feeling that this is a test?

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 03:27 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
what do you mean with "test"?

bb

B.B. lately I've been getting some pretty bad vibes that we are being goaded into responding to false 'members'. I truly hope that I am dead wrong about this.

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 05:11 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ November 10, 2003, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

What kind of woman would want to get involved with a MM?

"It they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."

Consider:

a) billions of people on the planet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
b) we live for 80 years <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
c) we can meet maybe 10,20 ..50 new people each day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
d) 24,000 miles miles around the planet at the equator. then another 23999 mile round at about two steps north. repeat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
e) one soul mate per person. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I don't know mathmatical statistics, but the odds are about 1 in 400 gazillion that anyone would every find their "soulmate"
Did you find yours?
I don't think so.
Is God that cruel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
No I rather believe that soulmates are fictional, emotionally created beings.
Emotionally recreate your wife. Start refering to this newly created being as your soulmate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Rusty

To answer one persons question... NO, THIS IS NOT A TEST. This is my life right now, 100% true. I turned to this group in hopes of someone opening my eyes, not to test people so whoever wrote that (I can't remember), is dead wrong. This is my own personal hell right now.

To all others who have posted. Thanks again for your honesty and every one of you have helped. There have also been a lot of cruel things said but they are all true as well. I need a good butt kicking right now and appreciate and value everyones thought/opinions/situations/stories, etc.

The last time I read everything yesterday (prior to page 2 and 3 of this post), I started doing a lot of soul searching. I'm the luckiest man in the world, about to have a child (which I'm very excited about), and I have the best woman on earth at home. Somewhere in all of this, I lost touch with those things. I'm ready to be a father and excited about it but at the same time, scared to be supporting two people (she's taking a year off work), don't want to lose all my freedom I have now. I'm about to be the soul provider for 3 people and it scares the hell out of me. I want children, many. I was so excited at that first doctors visit when we saw the child. Somehow this OW came along and made me forget everything I was excited about. A best friend of mine thinks I'm going through this because of the pregnancy and things I'm feeling (scared) about it all.

I know what I have to do.

Fighter,

I am glad you decided to come here from that silly "anti-marriage" forum.

Yes sometimes people here will say cruel things to slap you upside the head. But keep us posted...you will be able to get support through your journey.

The only way my wife was able to end her A was when I found the truth and stepped in. What you said about being a strong person and "bottling things in to sort them out for yourself" - that is exactly me and that is what I've always done.

However, neither my wife nor I would have been able to (start) recovery and save our M without each others help...and the help of a counselor.

Good luck
cpx

Fighter,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Thanks again for your honesty and every one of you have helped. There have also been a lot of cruel things said but they are all true as well. I need a good butt kicking right now and appreciate and value everyones thought/opinions/situations/stories, etc.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honesty can "hurt" very true but it is what it is: The truth.

I'm sorry if my words "hurt you" in any way, honestly, I hate it when people are hurt with what I say.
But I hate it even more to see people when they are "broken apart" after they have made a "terrible" decision.
So, please don't take what I said as something "cruel".

I just wanted to add a little more about my "personal" history, this might get you "thinking" even more.

A man that I know married the woman that meant the world to him. They were happy and life was good to them.
They had 2 wonderful children and their life was fullfilling.

Years went by and as the children grew older, life got challenging. Dealing with duties, bills, the kids fights and whateverelse the couple was having a "hard time."
They somehow lost their "shared dreams" and they somehow started to stop the wonderfull communcation that they had always had. They started to drift away from one another.

Again, time went by, both were captured within themselves somehow not able to share their thoughts with one another anymore.

Then Day X came and the husband met a wonderful, fantastic woman. At first he couldn't believe what was happening. Then he came to the conclusion that this was love and that THEY MUST BE SOULMATES. It just had to be, there was NO other explanation and gosh, it did make so much sence.
The OW listened, was understanding, she shared the same hobbies and she thought the same things that the husband did. They were the PERFECT match. It just had to be! Gosh and not to forget, SEX was the best Sex that the husband had ever had. (Well, this is what he thought at that time of his life.)

This went on for years and the husband got used living his "double life".

But Day XX came and the truth came around. So the husband had to decide and he did. He choose to be with his "Soulmate".

He dropped all responsibility and all contact. He couldn't take the "Pain" he had caused so many people and his soulmate was encouraging that what he was doing is the right thing. He just couldn't face what he had done and yet his "soulmate" loved his additude and everything he was doing. He could of done anything, she would of still told him that he was the "Best Creation" that earth has ever seen.

But he did get what he had asked for. His "soulmate". Yupp, he got all of her. Every single side of her. Within time (it didn't take all that long) he got to know her. The top, the bottom, all sides.

He got to see her "waking up" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (the morning face) he met her with PMS and he experienced her "farting!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Within time, the less "positive" sides came out. Of course she never mentioned to him that she was "human" and that she had her "bad sides".

But even if he didn't want to, he got the other sides of her. He didn't even have to "ask her" for them.


And what is the end of the story????? Well, this man is the loneliest man that you could think of.
He is still with his "Soulmate" woman but not because it is great, he has NO other choice. He has "lost" everything.
He has lost his children, his money, his pride, everything.

He has nothing to look back at and to feel prowd about. He is so ashamed that even if he truely wanted to, he cannot face his child.
He is in complete depression and hasn't got the strength to get out of it. He is now "lost" in his "Soulmate" world.

He once had it all. He once thought that something was "missing". Gosh, did he fool himself and was he ever "fooled".

My "heart" is with this man but sadly there is no way back for him. The pain is too great..

Fighter, I hope you had the patience to read this story. It is my story. The story of my father. God bless him and I truely wish him the best.
I wish that I could "turn back" time for him and believe me, he'd change alot.

take care
bb

BB, don't feel bad about being honest. A lot of what has been written to me has been tough to read and even hurt but it's the truth and it's what i need to here. Thank you.

Today is the aniversary of when I met my wife, then girlfriend, 9 years ago as sophmores in college. 11/10/94. Tonight we will go out and celebrate 9 years together. I'm the luckiest guy on earth and it's time to be a good husband and soon to be father.

Thank you everyone for kicking my butt. It's going to be tough and I'll need continued support but I can get through this.

I don't know how familiar you are with this board, I am reletively new here myself but I will say that you have got some of my favorite repondantes to respond... BlondB et al. You need to listen to them.

I could hardly wait for my best friend to meet my "soulmate" after he did I said "so what do you think?" ,the visit lasted maybe 30 min. His reply "I don't know she is so different from you".
He knows me better than a brother. So much for the soulmate theory. He did say that he knew he couldn't change my thinking but that I needed to consider what I would be replacing. That the relationship I had with my W was far better, in his estimation, than what I was trading for or at least willing to trade for with the OW. He warned me of the future devastation that would occur if I stayed in the relationship. He cares both very much for me and my wife. I can't imagine a life without my GS, I can't imagine a life w/o my S's and D. They are on there own but they still need me. Both your W and your baby need you. I just can't see how a person can turn their back on that...or even consider it.

Dear Fighter:
I just spent the last hour reading your story and I'm sorry I wasn't on the boards yesterday when it was all unfolding....

You mentioned that when you didn't hear from the OW your head started to clear and then you started thinking that you knew what you had to do ....and then she called and you were right back where you had been 24 hours before.

That's what NO CONTACT will do for you. It will help clear your head so you can wake up from the dream land you are in. You MUST write a NC letter to the OW. You should state that you are sorry for this friendship - it has been unfair to your wife and your marriage. You have realized that you and she can no longer be friends or have any further communication with one another. OF ANY KIND. You should tell her that you love your wife and you want your marriage to work. You should tell her that you expect her to abide by your wishes and that she should not contact you either.

This letter should not say - I'll always love you - or anything like that.

Show your wife the letter and then mail it.

Be strong - be a man - be a father - do this.
DB