<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I'm so happy that I didn't "hurt" you.

I'd be even more happy to hear from you "one day" saying that you are the happiest man on earth for what you have.
I mean "truely" happy especially with your wife.

Fighter, you can have all you need and all you "dream for" in your marriage, be aware of that. It's just a matter of communicating the right way and "giving" 100%.

In a relationship, I don't believe that we have to share the exact same opinion about things, neither do I believe that we have to share the same interests.
I think the "spice" of a happy and "exciting" marriage can indeed be the differences between 2 people that love one another.

It might be a "great" feeling when you meet someone that gives you the feeling that they think and that they feel the same as you, but don't you honestly believe that this gets "boring" within years????

It's a matter of being able to talk good and have an "understanding" for the differences in one another. It's a matter of "acceptance" and being able to find comprimizes in things that we do and how we do them.

I have know my XWS for almost 30 years now and I know that the most important thing that we have shared are "our dreams and goals" in life.

The most "difficult time of our life" was when we had "forgotten" the dreams and goals we had in common. (Well, I'm saying it this way but I'm meaning the time that my H was having his affair.)

Be sure to open up completely with your wife. Share your dreams and share your fantasies with her. You'll be amazed with the outcome.
If you find this a difficult thing to do, go and get help from someone professional.

But believe one thing that I'm gonna tell you.

Woman can do things to men, you wouldn't believe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Men sometimes just don't get it.

When a woman "wants" a man, she in capable to do things and to make the situation appear the way she wants it to be. Men just sometimes "don't get it".

Some woman when they have a "goal" also have such a good intuition about the situation. They can "truely" feel themselves into a "needy" man and they know "what to say" + "when to say it" and mostly they seem to know "why they say it".

Most men will fall for it.......gosh this is something we have learnt to do in school. Think back to the school days.

I would tell a guy how great he was and "PING" he really believed it!!! I could of told that guy anything, it was just the way I would say things. Then all I had to do was to "dip it" with some warm looks and a few ahhhs and ohhs and the guy felt "in love".

If I knew that this guy was interested in some kinda sport, believe me, I'd never tell him that I wasn't interested. That was a BIG no no.

I now feel so sorry for the guys that I "tricked out". Well I'm sure I didn't do all that much damage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm just trying to "open your eyes".
Start questioning what OW has told you and start to "dig deeper" in her actions and her words.

Ask yourself:
WHY is she saying what she is saying???
What is she saying???
Why is she saying one thing and doing another????
If she is truely so unhappy in her relationship, why is she in it???

Ask Questions, believe me, this will really open your eyes!!!!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I'm so happy that I didn't "hurt" you.

I'd be even more happy to hear from you "one day" saying that you are the happiest man on earth for what you have.
I mean "truely" happy especially with your wife.

Fighter, you can have all you need and all you "dream for" in your marriage, be aware of that. It's just a matter of communicating the right way and "giving" 100%.

In a relationship, I don't believe that we have to share the exact same opinion about things, neither do I believe that we have to share the same interests.
I think the "spice" of a happy and "exciting" marriage can indeed be the differences between 2 people that love one another.

It might be a "great" feeling when you meet someone that gives you the feeling that they think and that they feel the same as you, but don't you honestly believe that this gets "boring" within years????

It's a matter of being able to talk good and have an "understanding" for the differences in one another. It's a matter of "acceptance" and being able to find comprimizes in things that we do and how we do them.

I have know my XWS for almost 30 years now and I know that the most important thing that we have shared are "our dreams and goals" in life.

The most "difficult time of our life" was when we had "forgotten" the dreams and goals we had in common. (Well, I'm saying it this way but I'm meaning the time that my H was having his affair.)

Be sure to open up completely with your wife. Share your dreams and share your fantasies with her. You'll be amazed with the outcome.
If you find this a difficult thing to do, go and get help from someone professional.

But believe one thing that I'm gonna tell you.

Woman can do things to men, you wouldn't believe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Men sometimes just don't get it.

When a woman "wants" a man, she in capable to do things and to make the situation appear the way she wants it to be. Men just sometimes "don't get it".

Some woman when they have a "goal" also have such a good intuition about the situation. They can "truely" feel themselves into a "needy" man and they know "what to say" + "when to say it" and mostly they seem to know "why they say it".

Most men will fall for it.......gosh this is something we have learnt to do in school. Think back to the school days.

I would tell a guy how great he was and "PING" he really believed it!!! I could of told that guy anything, it was just the way I would say things. Then all I had to do was to "dip it" with some warm looks and a few ahhhs and ohhs and the guy felt "in love".

If I knew that this guy was interested in some kinda sport, believe me, I'd never tell him that I wasn't interested. That was a BIG no no.

I now feel so sorry for the guys that I "tricked out". Well I'm sure I didn't do all that much damage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm just trying to "open your eyes".
Start questioning what OW has told you and start to "dig deeper" in her actions and her words.

Ask yourself:
WHY is she saying what she is saying???
What is she saying???
Why is she saying one thing and doing another????
If she is truely so unhappy in her relationship, why is she in it???

Ask Questions, believe me, this will really open your eyes!!!!!!

I am always sorry for pain, self-inflicted or otherwise. I will tell you honestly these are the deciscions that will determine whether you are man worthy to be called dad by any child or just a possible guest on a future Jerry Springer show.

Sorry but blunt is what I am. I don't include my long laundry list of betrayals anymore becasue honestly it was too pathetic for me to look at. So to sum it up...my husband has found many soulmates...usually when faced with stressful events. Through much devestation we have survived and as much as I personally despise the women who became apart of that hell-not to say I make that a blanket statement so WS of MB don't take offense-I wouldn't wish that same pain on them. It truly can become life and death.

I must say I admire you that you recognize the fog. Withdrawl can be painful, the idea of soul-mates is so intoxicating it can be a wonderful utopian escape from the realities of fatherhood, marriage, breadwinning in general. But as you have recognized this is not substance, substance is common values, appreciating the differences, living two lives as one. A soul mate is not someone who drops in front of you like Dorothy from Kansas-having a soul mate is a life long pursuit.

It is a hard thing to admit the fear you are facing in your own life. It is admirable that you were honest enough with yourself face it.

Also consider what others have said regarding your so called soul mate. You may have many superficial things in common, you may have a physical attraction-ahh hello welcome to the planet-but sadly you have deciept and betrayal to add to you list of commonalities.

None of us have magic to wake somebody up out of the fog...only the individual can do it. As I said in my earlier post...I don't know why I started reading this...probably the reason is twofold...I am enraged by all this crap, and I truly hope no one ever goes through it again. Including you.


ayslyne

Hello fighter, I am new to this site, and I have been amazed at the overwhelming response to my plight.......I am a WS.....When I met the other man it felt right.......we enjoyed the same things......talked about our futures and where we wanted to be I felt that this was the man I was suppose to be with.......We never had a fight.....have you with this other women? He always said all of the right things to make me feel like I was so special........He was even my most compatible sign...if you believe in that......It's been 7 months since we ended our affair......and it has been the hardest 7 months I can think of......I'm not sure that a day doesn't go by without me thinking about him......but in my heart I knew it would never work out with us........we were both living a lie I'm starting to see that more clearly now......Of course something new is always more exciting.......but I guess we would have to meet someone new every what year to keep that newness alive.......I don't know it's hard to see the big picture when you are mesmerized........just think out your decision very carefully.........
Cleogirl

Dear Fighter,

I am a WS having an E/A and P/A for six months now. I have three children and have been married for 13 years to a wonderful man. Until six months ago I was never even tempted to have an affair. I am totally in love with this OM who btw is single. I want to be with him so badly that it makes me physically sick. I am in constant agony over this. If I could give you some advice from someone who has been involved in an A for a bit longer than you...it would be..GET OUT NOW!!!!! And fast..it only gets harder every time you are together.

The pain will get unbearable. I feel that this OM and I are meant to be together as you feel about your OW, however, I made a promise to my H and I chose to have three children with him. I am going to make a desicion soon as to who I will be with. I cannot live like this any longer. I need to let one man go as I can not have them both. I was very happy before I met OM and now, I am no longer in love with my H. It is so painful. Please stop before you find yourself in my shoes six months down the road...trust me..as awesome as it is with my om I would give anything to wake up tomorrow and it all be a bad dream! Good Luck to you.

ME WS 33
BS H 33
SOM 33
Married 13 years
Kids 12-11-8
having E/A & P/A for six months

First I would like to say everything that has been said here is exactly how I felt in my A. Listen to what they have to say we have already been down that road and know the hills, curves, and bumps by memory. GET OUT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE! Second I would like to tell you all what I have been taught about soul mate. There are many of them out there not just one for every person. There are different theorys on this but one that I was taught many years ago is that we all have new bodys but not new souls. I had my "past lives" read and it was really very shocking at how it all made sense to me. Have you ever met someone same sex or opposite sex that you have felt like you have known forever? They are one of your soulmates.Many believe that your soul mates are important people from your past lives. Thats why we feel the instant connection. But most people have a distorted vision of a soulmate. What's the main reason someone is not with a soulmate? They have unrealistic expectations of what a soulmate is. Here is a short questionairre that will show how this is true http://www.soulmateoracle.com/quiz/quiz-1.html

Another heart felt thank you to everyone for talking about what they've been through and what they are going through now. It's good for me to hear the stories of those that have been in my wives shoes but equally important, those that have been in my shoes or are in them now.

The OW comes home tonight from her trip so I'm sure the drama will really pick up. She emailed me last night saying she feels I've been acting different over the last couple of days... like I want to end it. This group is helping me. Honestly, I don't feel like I've acted different (even though I should be) but I guess subconsciously I am acting different. Part of my whole "soulmate" philosophy and the mental connection we have that we can read what the other is thinking. Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy but that's what this has done to me, made me crazy.

On the positive side, my wife and I had a fantastic night last night and really talked about our baby and future. No, she doesn't know about OW. She thinks my disconnect right now is because of my job. Something I didn't mention before, my job has been a living hell for 4 months now (3 months before meeting OW), so that hasn't helped a damn thing. I've read that tough times in life can lead one down this road I'm traveling also. Maybe, maybe not. I'm also very nervous about being a dad and supporting 3 people by myself (financially). We talked about a lot of things. I'm now starting to clear this fog from around me and remembering why I fell in love with this woman 9 years ago.

fighter,

have trust in yourself, you're gonna make it. You're gonna be a good father and provider. It isn't as hard as you think it is, believe me.

My H and I have 2 wonderfull children. When I was pregnant with my first child, we hardly had any money and I had to stop working.
And we made it, we even managed with a second child.
I always say: "When two people want it to work, it will."
Our children are now grown up and I'm more than prowd of them.

Whatever you decide to do, STOP ALL contact with OW!!!! Write a NO CONTACT letter.
Ask for help here in Marriage Builders.

You are in a very difficult situation. Your wife knows nothing about your affair, she knows nothing about OW?????


You are surely going to have to "open up" about this but I hope you're going to get some advice from others concerning this situation.

take care
bb

So fighter,
You say that you know what you have to do. Have you done it?

Until you tell your wife and write a NO CONTACT letter to the OW, you are playing with fire. It's easy to be strong sitting at your computer screen, now go out and face the consequences of this situation that you have created.

Please tell your W about this site, we can be here to help her.

The affair WILL be discovered and the sooner you face reality the sooner you can move forward with your life.

Remember your unborn baby when you start spiraling into those "soulmate" moments, your wife and baby deserve the truth and a future based on honesty. You CAN do it!

one more thing fighter. My counselor has told me that I was very much living in fantasy world. that I needed to deal with the reality of the situation and what the fall out would be. The reality is, can you possibly be happy with this person if it means causing so much pain to others.
I had blinders on about this for a long time because I didn't want to give it up. A lot of times what I've noticed in my office is couples that come together through an affair normally don't trust each other when they do marry. That makes total since if you think about it.

Fighter

I can totally relate to the feelings associated with the ow. The OM that I was seeing made me feel things that I've never felt before in a relationship. There's that really scary side of me that wouldn't trust myself in a minute alone with him because of that. He wants to be friends. That is an impossible transition for me to make. Sometimes I think that I'll never feel again what I felt when I was with him but it was all a fantasy! I have to keep telling myself that, over and over. It is so hard to have to see him every day at work. That is almost a punishment all of it's own for me.

I stand amazed at all the WS that are on here and are so honest and real. Thank You! May God richly bless your marriages and your lives.

My WW is denying an affair. I want so much to believe her. I found myself driving around last night looking for our truck at some potential addresses.

Sorry I have forgotten the name of the original poster. I share this because I want you to see what your wife would go through if she suspects but you have not shared it with her. I cannot say that I feel you should - mostly because when WW was pregnant she had mood swings that were unbelievable! I literally was in fear of her; she had no problem with hitting me or yelling at me.

Keep the good Faith.

Well, I guess I started the process last night. I'm really having a hard time cutting the OW loose but I'm working at it. She got back yesterday from her trip. I went and saw her. I know, not advisable but I believe to strongly in doing things face to face. So, it was a roller coaster ride of emotions followed by an appology email late last night followed immediately by a forget the appology turned hate later from her.

She scared the hell out of me last night though. We're both selfish people but her selfishness is over the edge. She said to me last night "That if I want to have you, I will, and I don't care if it crushes you". Well, that along with a few other things opened my eyes to who she really is. She won't crush me. She can't. I'm not going to break over her. I can't believe that just a few days ago I was in this cloud and thought the OW was the greatest woman on earth. I let something happen to me mentally that I give my friends hell about all the time. I got wrapped up in the moment. yeah, we have a lot in common and get along great but she's evil and somewhere in the "connection" I didn't see this side of her. Emotionally I feel almost nothing for her any more, at least compared to two days ago. Last night was a huge turn off. Now I have to get past the physical attraction because that is still really extreme but in all reality, that should be the easy part.

I can't believe I fell so hard so fast. If there's anything good that will came out of this whole experience, it made me realize why I married my wife and have been with her for 9 years. I took her for granted for a long time and could have lost her. I love her more now than I think I ever have and want to be with her more then ever. I'm always trying to find the positives in a bad situation and something good can come from everything... even when what i did was totally wrong.

I'll keep you all posted. Oh yeah, I'm taking suggestions for baby names. We don't know the sex yet so we're thinking of both.

Take care and thank you everyone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm now starting to clear this fog </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Fighter:

I've red through your post and I think these few words explain alot. You've been in the "fog" that Harley talks about. Now that you're thinking a bit clearer, BUT, before you do anything else, ask yourself why? The time that you spend now trying to understand yourself, your own actions and behaviors will pay big dividends if and when you approach your wife. Note: If the OW threatens to tell/contact your wife, you must tell her immediately, regardless of whether you are ready or not.

I understand you've been stressed out at work? What exactly is bothering you there? Are you emotionally fulfilled in your job? Is it possible, that whatever needs were not being met at your employment helped create tension/distance between you and your wife? Are you overstressed or fearful of the thought of your first child and the additional responsibility this brings? Do you believe yourself worthy of being married and being a father? Do think perhaps that you bought into the fantasy of a soulmate as a means to escape from the pressures of work, family and the birth of a new child?

If you haven't already done so, read as much as you possibly can here and take the emotional needs questionnaire. (Your can encourage your W to take hers later). Understand, that even if your wife wasn't meeting your EN's, that you and your (selfish) taker made the choices that you did to have and EA/PA with OW. Understanding yourself will be the key to the recovery of your relationship with your W.

Good Luck.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: Faith1960 ]</small>

This is my daughter's name, it is an old name and you don't hear it alot. I thought the meaning of her name "to heal" may be significant for you.
I also found this myth associated with the name that I found interesting and perhaps somewhat ironic. Consider this: If you continue to let this A burn or if you ever decide to revisit your A, it will probably not kill your child but it will cause an incredible amount of pain. Read on....and see what you think...
ALTHEA f Greek Mythology (Latinized)
From the Greek name Althaia, perhaps related to Greek althein "to heal". In Greek myth she was the mother of Meleager. Soon after her son was born she was told that he would die as soon as a piece of wood that was burning on her fire was fully consumed. She immediately extinguished the piece of wood and sealed it in a chest, but in a fit of rage many years later she took it out and set it alight, thereby killing her son.

Fighter, I admire your struggle to do the right thing and I feel you will succeed...I just wish my WH and others had the capacity to look within as you have and do what's right and in the end the thing that will bring you the most joy and happiness....your family...together.

fighter, hooray for you. Now comes the hard part. You must stay strong and NOT CONTACT HER AT ALL! If you feel the urge to contact her, call your W, hug your W, look at a picture of your W, whatever it takes. You've made a good start, now keep it up! I'll be praying for you and your family.

I told my H about this thread. Hope he comes to read it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If you are here, honey, know that I love now you more than ever! You're the love of my life and I know we can work on us and be better than we were before. We've got a long road ahead of us like fighter and many others before us. It won't be easy, but it will be so totally worth it in the long run. I'll keep fighting for us.

Fighter,

I think you are now a man that has gotten his eyes opened. For the future I'd just advice you to "start to question" and don't believe everything that you are told. Mostly not from a woman that "wants you!" (Unless she is your wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Stay outta of reach from this OW, she's dangerous, believe me. I believe this was just a tint of what she truely is.

Concentrate on what you have and enjoy it with all your heart.

take care
bb

Faith
I think your confused I'm Hiker and he is Fighter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> although you have to be a Fighter to be a Hiker <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Look, I could be dead wrong on this one, Fighter -- and I'll count on the others to swat me down.

I think you ought to call the Harleys and get professional advice about telling your wife. She is pregnant, and the last thing she needs is strong negative shocks like this one -- in my opinion. Maybe it's the best thing to do -- I just don't know.

Again, the Harleys must have dealt with something like this. I think they should weigh in on this one.

Just to add my .02 to all the other great info you've received...

This OW sounds like she may be capable of contacting your wife and telling her about the 2 of you herself.

Something to think about.