I'm sure this question has been asked many times before; but I'm not sure if it's the right thing or not. Brief history, my wife of 11 years had an affair with a co-worker who was also one of our closests friends who is also married. While we are in recovery right now I feel that I should contact the OM's wife and inform her, to me it's the moral thing to do. The reason for my questions is, the OM is out of the picture and living in another state. I know there has been no other contact made. My concern is that this may create other problems as OM wife and my wife were "good friends" or so they thought. This may cause her to contact my wife. If we are in recovery and doing okay is it better to just leave it alone and let the other man be responsable for telling his wife? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I believe your moral sense is a good one.

Not only should OM's wife be told, your wife should be the one to do it.

AND - not only is this the moral thng to do, it's the strategic thing to do since you cannot be sure that the affair is really over. How do you know it is?

The best way to do this is for your wife to write a no contact letter to OM and giving a copy to his wife. Their friendship must be sacrificed.

I agree that telling the OMW is necessary.She has a right to know that things in her marriage aren't great.And who better than the H of the W who was involved with her H.This will also put pressure on them to hopefully keep that NC,especially when the OM's W finds out and starts her own inquiry.

If the OMW calls to speak to your WW,so be it.She can be honest and she should be,she was her friend at one time and this is going to be especially painful for her.Both actually.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong>And who better than the H of the W who was involved with her H.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who better?

The WS herself.

WAT

Thanks for your input, it's greatly needed. This site has been a great help for me. "Worthatry" I guess no one can be sure 100% that the affair is over...but the OM lives in another state and my wife spends 99% of her time with me outside of work. As far as an e-mail relationship I'm not sure as I don't access to her work e-mail. My wife was also the one who came to me and told me about the affair as I had no clue. She basically told me she couldn't live with it anymore. I've accepted the fact that it happened and we are working on our marriage but this just keeps going around in my head that OMW should know or I'm just as guilty as my W and OM. I appreciate the info and I know what I have to do as I was just looking for other support. Thank you

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Don't Know:
<strong> My wife was also the one who came to me and told me about the affair as I had no clue. She basically told me she couldn't live with it anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Relatively speaking, you are a very lucky guy - I know that may sound strange.

Please give you wife a LOT of positive reinforcement for doing this. This is a HUGE step for her to completely heal - both herself and your marriage.

Encourage her to visit this site and consider posting on this forum. Both she and you could be terrific assets.

WAT

I agree, OMW has to be told. If your hopefully FWW is the one to do it, you should have full knowledge. I wish there was a OMW in my case, I'm telling everybody but I don't have one of those to tell.

I love being contrary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You expose an affair to help end it. You tell the other person's spouse because you want to put pressure on the inappropriate relationship.

You don’t do it out of some moral conviction, out of spite, for revenge, etc. Harley is specific and clear about this issue. The other person’s spouse has a right to know about the affair. However, it is not your responsibility to tell them if the affair is over.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

Ah, grasshopper, this affair is not really over - the NC letter has not been sent. And to whom shall it be sent? Both OM and his wife. All the better to prevent reinitiation of the active affair, or another.

Just Don't Know.
What has your wife said about the disclosure?

I never told until 18 months after my DDay when I finally couldn't take the guilt. The feelings of revenge had long passed.

As it turns out I should have told sooner bc she could have helped keep her H accountable for NC.

I agree that the primary reason for any kind of disclosure is to end the affair but this type of disclosure includes parents, siblings and possibly clergy,friends,neighbors,employers etc.

Having said that, I, however believe that there is one party that should always be told regardless of whether the affair is alive or dead and that is the OP's spouse. Putting aside all the feelings of revenge, morality, guilt, sympatico,etc there is one simple reason. It is the fact that this is the one person who can help monitor NC. If you know that there is no NC you're feelings of trust for the FWS will come back sooner. Even if the A has been over for years there is no way that you can say with 100% accurracy that there has been NC without the help of the OP's S.

JMHO. If Dr Harley disagrees, then I'll be accepting donations to start my own web site. lol

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> Ah, grasshopper, this affair is not really over - the NC letter has not been sent. And to whom shall it be sent? Both OM and his wife. All the better to prevent reinitiation of the active affair, or another. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahh Honerable Master Poe, I think I do not understand the true nature of the prophet. It is my understanding that the NC letter be sent to the affair partner . . . not necessaritly the affair partner's spouse. Perhaps you could quote the scripture so I will se the error of my ways.

I guess I should have given some more info. After my wife told me of the affair the first thing I requested of her was to contact the OM by phone in my presence and tell him it's over and to never contact her again. I was there and was listening to their conversation so that much has been done. What keeps coming into my mind is that the OMW will call sometime or another to chat with my W as friends...that is if her H has not told her of the affair.

JDon'tknow,

I believe Comfortably Numb is partly right. Expose is needed to help End the A. IT is one reason.

IMO though, exposer is just as necessary to help ensure that the A Never gets rekindled.
By telling OMW, Not only will you have an alley and another set of eyes to help you, you get something even more important. That being the A exposed to the light of day.

Secrecy is the greatest weapon of the WS and the OP. That is what the A began with and thrived on. All the lies and deceit (not to mention the thrill and excitement) are only possible when its everyone's "little secret". The more of the "key players" that know what is truly going on, the harder it will be to start this up again. The more light you shine on the A the more difficult it will be to have and the Less fun it will be to engage in.
Be sure you Do Not become a coconspirator in this. You most likely will regret it later.

With that said, does exposer "guarantee" they won't get back together. NO. No more then it guarantees it will end an A.
However, the biggest advantage that they (WW,OM) hold over their BSs will be gone.... And GONE forever.

So it's not just a moral choice, there is still a benefit to your own M.
After all you wrote that as far as the OMW knows, she is still friends with your W. What do you do if she is the one that breaks the NO contact? What...tell her then? Why even let that be a possibility? Tell her.

Even Com. numb agreed that the OMW has a RIGHT to know.
YOU know, so tell her. (And if it makes you feel better to know that the OM is getting at least a taste of the H*ll you've been through.........well, that's just a Bonus!)

Any way, you keep asking the right questions and you'll come up with the Right answers for you and your M.
Keep working and take care.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by top rope:
<strong> JDon'tknow,

Even Com. numb agreed that the OMW has a RIGHT to know.
YOU know, so tell her. (And if it makes you feel better to know that the OM is getting at least a taste of the H*ll you've been through.........well, that's just a Bonus!) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the part that I don't like. I know that it is a very human, understandable, predictable sentiment go extract a little revenge, but this really isn't what exposure is all about IMHO.

And I can’t see value in rejoicing in the misery of others.

I DO think the other person’s spouse has the right to know. I DON’T think it is wrong for you to tell her. I DON’T think you should feel obligated to do the dirty-work for the pr!ck who slept with your wife. He should be man enough to tell his own wife what her loving husband has been up to. I just was arguing that telling the spouse now is not really part of the plan, at least as I understand Harley’s writings.

I am no expert on these things. My life is a mess so what do I know.

cn,
Unfortunately, this OM (the as you say.. Pr*ck) is most likely a coward and will Never tell his wife. So don't hold your breath there.

Would you have as much problem if the WW told the OMW (as she WAS involved)?
IMO, all the key players (OM,WW, BH,& BW) are involved, and as a consequence have the Right to know, so they can make choices for there lives (with as complete information as possible). There are life changing things like STD's ect,. to consider.

As far as revenge being the sole reason, then in that case don't do it.
But as I wrote before I think there are other benefits to doing this now.

However, I see little problem with just "knowing" (as a side effect) that a little justice is being served.
JDK didn't DO THIS to this OM. This OM is simply reaping what he has sown.

(if JDK tells his OMW) .. the OM will simply be facing the consequences of his actions.
Its not like JDK is Doing something to HIM (such as assaulting him or even telling lies about him). He is simply telling the truth. And its not truth that hurts the person. The A is what causes the destruction. Being honest is simply revealing the truth to the victim.

Just as you don't believe its the BS duty to tell OPS, & don't think its the BS obligation to Protect the OP either.

But I can appreciate another opinion. We disagree, its OK. I've got mine, keep coming back with yours. That's why we are all here (I think?).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Comfortably Numb:
<strong>Ahh Honerable Master Poe, I think I do not understand the true nature of the prophet. It is my understanding that the NC letter be sent to the affair partner . . . not necessaritly the affair partner's spouse. Perhaps you could quote the scripture so I will se the error of my ways. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nicely done, CN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

No, I can't quote scripture nor scrolls. It's just seems to be intuitive, like most of the MB principles when one can get past the emotions.

I whole heartedly agree that the motivation shouldn't be vindictive. But, sometimes, it's impossible to avoid that appearance even when the motive is pure. Only the person carrying out the act can really know, and he/she has to live with what truly was the incentive.

I've said it before here and I'll say it again now: if doing the right things results in bad consequences for an affairee, oh well. Play the role, pay the toll.

WAT