Hi I am new to this board and am trying to figure out all the abbreviations. I am looking for support and information on how to handle a situation that has come up in my marraige. I joined another board but did not find this on that board and hoping to find some here. I just am still reeling from the information that my husband started a *relationship* with someone on line Although they never met and it went on for 1.5 months it is still very hurtful We have been married 18 yrs and when we were married for 9 he had a affair and that just about destroyed us I thought we were all past that and had really gotten close and I totally trusted him. He is doing some counseling and trying to get some help and I am trying to put this behind us but do not even know what I should do about this. Because it wasnt an actual physical act I find it easier to deal with but just do not know how I should be responding. He wants to stayed married has cut off all contact and we are planning our lives together as before this but I just dont want to enable him yet I want to work this out I am shocked we have had this happen again I just really need some advice on how to move forward Thank you....Eliza

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Start in Plan A, and you can learn to affair proof your marriage. You can read all about the program, and abbreviations under the General Welcome to All New Builders thread on the Just Found Out Forum.

The abbrev's are: WS (wandering spouse), WH ( wandering husband, WW (wandering wife), BS (betrayed spouse), OP (other person), OM (other man), OW (other woman). Then we have ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you), and on and on.

Eliza,
In my opinion (IMO), an affair (A) is caused by two factors: personal & marriage issues. Dr Harley believes that past issues are not the root cause of affairs. He may be right meaning the marriage issues set the environment for the affair but since an affair is a personal choice that each individual makes it's the individual issues which contribute to the decision.

Make any sense??

Soooo I'd make the comment that if your husband (H) had an A a few years ago, he didn't get the personal help (if needed) or the pre-A issues in your marriage (M) weren't addressed and completely worked through.

Read about meeting each others emotional needs (ENs) up on Harley's main page.

Get yourself to counseling as well.

Was a no contact (NC) letter sent? How was NC explained to the internet friend? Did you see the letter or the e-mail?

Part of the reason for a NC letter is to initiate NC but it also plays a role in starting to re-establish trust between you and H. If you never saw it that's hard to do. For all you know he sent some gushing e-mail about how the "soul mates are never to be". PUKE!

cwmac

I am having problems finding the spot where the Plans A and B are? I see nothing that says Just found out? I really want to see what these say!!!
cwmac...As I sit and reflect I can totally see how we were almost in the same exact spot this time as last time. We had just finished an adoption this yr and although this wasnt the case last time we did have a young family member who lived with us for several yrs that had alot of issues. We have two other children as well. The finances are really overwhelming now due to the adoption which was the same 9 yrs ago due to a job change. The intimacy that we had build was fading to almost non existant. So many of the same factors were there. I just trusted that he told me he would never hurt me like that again. For him he felt that he wasnt being listened to That he wasnt important and that I didnt have time for him That is true. I took alot of responsibility the first time I dont this time He made the choice. He could have reached out in another way He chose to get on the internet which is so strange because he rarely uses the computer but he said it felt safer this way Not a real person was involved although this person was sending him some pretty personal photos of herself and they were confessing their undying love for one another....whatever....I dont know anything about a NC contract because quite frankly I would never believe it just because he signed something...I did see the email he mailed to her. He shut down the acct he was using to email her from He told her to never email or contact him again That it was over That he loved his wife and was going to do everything he could to work it out. She called in the moment he got to work and he told her that his wife knows and that he wants nothing to do with her. She emailed him twice at his work email he said he never read them just fwd them to me so I would know he was being honest and from her emails I would say he was. This has been over two weeks ago and he says there have been no further calls or emails from her or he has never called her. He gave me his calling card and has not bought another one. We seem very close at times and he seems very connected to me but he did before so that is the strange part although he does seem a bit freer now Like a weight is off his back. He is in counseling, he is accountable to a couple men we talked to about this he is attending coda meetings ...I am talking with a friend each day and we are doing the power of a praying wife book together. I do not feel we ever resolved alot of the issues from 9 yrs ago I could never get over the A I brought it up very often I told him over and over how much it hurt me He was never truly forgiven and never knew when it was going to come up. I am just looking at my part in this I am not taking his responsibility for his actions but do want to look at mine. The first time it about destroyed me. I have never hurt so bad in my life. This time because of the circumstances I am hurt and angry but I dont feel as threatened and I feel that some of the issues leading up to this we can deal with but I do feel that if this is his weakness and if this is the way he responds then....how can I invest much into him? We have two teenage sons and an adorable baby girl and we are not young! I want to do everything I can to help this work out but I am not willing to just keep going through this over and over.....Eliza

I am having problems finding the spot where the Plans A and B are? I see nothing that says Just found out? I really want to see what these say!!!
cwmac...As I sit and reflect I can totally see how we were almost in the same exact spot this time as last time. We had just finished an adoption this yr and although this wasnt the case last time we did have a young family member who lived with us for several yrs that had alot of issues. We have two other children as well. The finances are really overwhelming now due to the adoption which was the same 9 yrs ago due to a job change. The intimacy that we had build was fading to almost non existant. So many of the same factors were there. I just trusted that he told me he would never hurt me like that again. For him he felt that he wasnt being listened to That he wasnt important and that I didnt have time for him That is true. I took alot of responsibility the first time I dont this time He made the choice. He could have reached out in another way He chose to get on the internet which is so strange because he rarely uses the computer but he said it felt safer this way Not a real person was involved although this person was sending him some pretty personal photos of herself and they were confessing their undying love for one another....whatever....I dont know anything about a NC contract because quite frankly I would never believe it just because he signed something...I did see the email he mailed to her. He shut down the acct he was using to email her from He told her to never email or contact him again That it was over That he loved his wife and was going to do everything he could to work it out. She called in the moment he got to work and he told her that his wife knows and that he wants nothing to do with her. She emailed him twice at his work email he said he never read them just fwd them to me so I would know he was being honest and from her emails I would say he was. This has been over two weeks ago and he says there have been no further calls or emails from her or he has never called her. He gave me his calling card and has not bought another one. We seem very close at times and he seems very connected to me but he did before so that is the strange part although he does seem a bit freer now Like a weight is off his back. He is in counseling, he is accountable to a couple men we talked to about this he is attending coda meetings ...I am talking with a friend each day and we are doing the power of a praying wife book together. I do not feel we ever resolved alot of the issues from 9 yrs ago I could never get over the A I brought it up very often I told him over and over how much it hurt me He was never truly forgiven and never knew when it was going to come up. I am just looking at my part in this I am not taking his responsibility for his actions but do want to look at mine. The first time it about destroyed me. I have never hurt so bad in my life. This time because of the circumstances I am hurt and angry but I dont feel as threatened and I feel that some of the issues leading up to this we can deal with but I do feel that if this is his weakness and if this is the way he responds then....how can I invest much into him? We have two teenage sons and an adorable baby girl and we are not young! I want to do everything I can to help this work out but I am not willing to just keep going through this over and over.....Eliza

I am having problems finding the spot where the Plans A and B are? I see nothing that says Just found out? I really want to see what these say!!!
cwmac...As I sit and reflect I can totally see how we were almost in the same exact spot this time as last time. We had just finished an adoption this yr and although this wasnt the case last time we did have a young family member who lived with us for several yrs that had alot of issues. We have two other children as well. The finances are really overwhelming now due to the adoption which was the same 9 yrs ago due to a job change. The intimacy that we had build was fading to almost non existant. So many of the same factors were there. I just trusted that he told me he would never hurt me like that again. For him he felt that he wasnt being listened to That he wasnt important and that I didnt have time for him That is true. I took alot of responsibility the first time I dont this time He made the choice. He could have reached out in another way He chose to get on the internet which is so strange because he rarely uses the computer but he said it felt safer this way Not a real person was involved although this person was sending him some pretty personal photos of herself and they were confessing their undying love for one another....whatever....I dont know anything about a NC contract because quite frankly I would never believe it just because he signed something...I did see the email he mailed to her. He shut down the acct he was using to email her from He told her to never email or contact him again That it was over That he loved his wife and was going to do everything he could to work it out. She called in the moment he got to work and he told her that his wife knows and that he wants nothing to do with her. She emailed him twice at his work email he said he never read them just fwd them to me so I would know he was being honest and from her emails I would say he was. This has been over two weeks ago and he says there have been no further calls or emails from her or he has never called her. He gave me his calling card and has not bought another one. We seem very close at times and he seems very connected to me but he did before so that is the strange part although he does seem a bit freer now Like a weight is off his back. He is in counseling, he is accountable to a couple men we talked to about this he is attending coda meetings ...I am talking with a friend each day and we are doing the power of a praying wife book together. I do not feel we ever resolved alot of the issues from 9 yrs ago I could never get over the A I brought it up very often I told him over and over how much it hurt me He was never truly forgiven and never knew when it was going to come up. I am just looking at my part in this I am not taking his responsibility for his actions but do want to look at mine. The first time it about destroyed me. I have never hurt so bad in my life. This time because of the circumstances I am hurt and angry but I dont feel as threatened and I feel that some of the issues leading up to this we can deal with but I do feel that if this is his weakness and if this is the way he responds then....how can I invest much into him? We have two teenage sons and an adorable baby girl and we are not young! I want to do everything I can to help this work out but I am not willing to just keep going through this over and over.....Eliza

I am having problems finding the spot where the Plans A and B are? I see nothing that says Just found out? I really want to see what these say!!!
cwmac...As I sit and reflect I can totally see how we were almost in the same exact spot this time as last time. We had just finished an adoption this yr and although this wasnt the case last time we did have a young family member who lived with us for several yrs that had alot of issues. We have two other children as well. The finances are really overwhelming now due to the adoption which was the same 9 yrs ago due to a job change. The intimacy that we had build was fading to almost non existant. So many of the same factors were there. I just trusted that he told me he would never hurt me like that again. For him he felt that he wasnt being listened to That he wasnt important and that I didnt have time for him That is true. I took alot of responsibility the first time I dont this time He made the choice. He could have reached out in another way He chose to get on the internet which is so strange because he rarely uses the computer but he said it felt safer this way Not a real person was involved although this person was sending him some pretty personal photos of herself and they were confessing their undying love for one another....whatever....I dont know anything about a NC contract because quite frankly I would never believe it just because he signed something...I did see the email he mailed to her. He shut down the acct he was using to email her from He told her to never email or contact him again That it was over That he loved his wife and was going to do everything he could to work it out. She called in the moment he got to work and he told her that his wife knows and that he wants nothing to do with her. She emailed him twice at his work email he said he never read them just fwd them to me so I would know he was being honest and from her emails I would say he was. This has been over two weeks ago and he says there have been no further calls or emails from her or he has never called her. He gave me his calling card and has not bought another one. We seem very close at times and he seems very connected to me but he did before so that is the strange part although he does seem a bit freer now Like a weight is off his back. He is in counseling, he is accountable to a couple men we talked to about this he is attending coda meetings ...I am talking with a friend each day and we are doing the power of a praying wife book together. I do not feel we ever resolved alot of the issues from 9 yrs ago I could never get over the A I brought it up very often I told him over and over how much it hurt me He was never truly forgiven and never knew when it was going to come up. I am just looking at my part in this I am not taking his responsibility for his actions but do want to look at mine. The first time it about destroyed me. I have never hurt so bad in my life. This time because of the circumstances I am hurt and angry but I dont feel as threatened and I feel that some of the issues leading up to this we can deal with but I do feel that if this is his weakness and if this is the way he responds then....how can I invest much into him? We have two teenage sons and an adorable baby girl and we are not young! I want to do everything I can to help this work out but I am not willing to just keep going through this over and over.....Eliza

Sorry about the posting of the same post 4 times Not sure how that happened...Eliza

Hello Eliza,

Welcome to MB.

If you go to the top of this page and click on Q&A under where it says MArriage Builders that will bring you to another list at the left where you can scroll down and click on What are Plan A and B? All the rest of the issues are worth reading as well.Don't worry,in due time you'll get the hang of it here.

Also,just FYI.If you want to delete any repeat posts or change anyhting in the post you make,click on the icon that looks like a white piece of paper and a pencil.The you can go back and make any changes you want but you can only do so for 20 minutes.After that your words are "written in stone".

Next,if you want to know all the abbreviations we use here,I believe there is a list on the Just Found Out board.

Ok.So if you are still willing to work on your marriage along with your WH then stay here a whil,read and get the books mentioned which are SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His needs Her needs).Read up on Plan A and ask your WH to do the EN(emotional needs) questionnaires.This will help you both pinpoint needs that may not be getting filled and so he is looking elswhere for them.Or it may be unresolved issues within himself too but either way this work should be done.

When my WH committed adultery,I believe a lot of what he is going through is related to issues he has within himself.Not that I dont have a part in this somehow but he has always needed the attention of other women and we even went through an EA of sorts years ago but that OW died of breast cancer and the relationship,if u can call it that,never went beyond a few small meetings.

Anyway,I sympathize with how you are feeling but there are other people here who have dealt with their spouse in more than one type of A and more than one.Hang around and read,it may help you with your feelings to know that you are not alone.

O

sorry you(and all of us are hear)i've only been hear a few months. trust me this place helps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

please read as much as you can. their is alot of info all over this site.

i've been reading in the post about alot of problems. i'm dealing with a ww of mine,she's starting to come around after 6 m. of an A.we're working on things,not fixed yet but looking good. not all problems or people turn around quikly but the info you can get hear will prepare you for things to come and also mite point out some things for you to work on.?

good luck. keep surfing hear it will help.
hang in ther a marriage is a terible thing to waste. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> dmb1967

Thank you all for the responses. I am reading the Q&A and trying to get as much info as possible. I guess for me I find it hard because it is like nothing has changed. Since about the first week of me finding out and the remorse was expressed it is like we are just back where we were before My H tells me he loves several times a day but this is not unusual he did this before I just find it confusing. If I put it out of my mind it is like nothing ever happened I dont want that though I want to deal with the issues so we can truly go past this. We are very affectionate with each other and really have always been. I guess I am just having a hard time understanding....Eliza