Hi everyone

This is my first post on MB. I just wanted to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart who has helped Jenny (and me) to get to this stage of our recovery. I don't think we could have got this far on our own without your help. You guys are brilliant!

I want to especially thank JL for being wise and kind yet forceful at the same time. Jenny listens to what you say and what you say makes a lot of sense to me.

You know as a man it has been very hard for me to seek the advice of other men. In the early stages of our recovery all I wanted to do was talk to a sympathetic man.

Have you ever just wanted to talk to your father or father-in-law about what was on your mind? Mine are both dead and I just wished they were there for me as they were both such wise men in their different ways.

I talked to women acquaintances and women workmates and even though sympathetic and helpful I guess I really wanted to hear from another man what it was I was feeling and was this normal.

I was angry and hurt and didn't know how to channel all that emotion. I HATED the OM and still do after 7 months. I have told Jen that I know its wrong but if I ever see him in the street, at a restaurant or a social function he is going to get my fist in his mouth. I guess its a man thing but I don't care if I'm pushing my walker in a rest home he is eventually going to get his!

Anyway, I digress (you see how easy it is to get sidetracked into talking about the OM) what I really wanted to say is that I think Jen and I have nearly come through as a couple.

We have been on the rollercoaster ride that I expect every couple in recovery goes through. We have connected and disconnected with abandon. We have misunderstood each other constantly. We have parted sullenly in the morning and made up passionately at night. We have drunk an extraordinary amount of red wine and have smoked thousands of cigarettes. We have laughed and cried and endured the odd day of silence.

At the end of it all I still love my wife more than ever. I think and hope that we have both grown and learned from what has happened to us. We are both different with each other. Our marriage is not the same and it never will be. It can (and must) be stronger if we want to stay together. I look at her now and I don't see a "fallen" woman, I don't see the woman I married nearly 30 years ago, instead I see a different person, someone new, a lot more secure in herself and who she is. A woman who is prepared to start again in a new voyage with her husband. I'm not sure where it is we will end up but I'm sure excited that I'll be along for the ride.

Rob

Hi Rob - great first post, I am glad you and Jen are doing so well.

As for your feelings for OM, you are not alone, my H has feelings for OM like that too. If he ever sees him again he would do the same things.

Congratulations on your recovery. If you want to talk to some men about your thoughts you should post. I know my husband has said it has been very hard not talking about it with another male - but he has yet to really post anything, we are 7 months past DDAY.

It is good to read a post where people are doing well = take care Sandy

Congrats, Rob.

You sound terribly normal to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Is there a reason you waited until now to talk to other guys? We've been here waiting for you.

I suggest you stick around a while and offer what you learned to others who haven't gotten as far as you and Jen.

BTW, she did tell you I'm invited to dinner in a few years, right?

Welcome to MB Rob. I am delighted to see you here. I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought us all together on MB. I wanted to say that you do have an AWESOME wife and from what I've heard about you thus far you are pretty amazing yourself!! I believe that you will find much support here. It helps to just know that there are others going through the same thing!!

Rob,

Good to hear from you. And welcome to MarriageBuilders, this is a great place for help, though unfortunate you have to be here. I too am a BH. Kind of reverse of you and KiwiJ (in that I have been using the board and my FWW really hasn't). BTW, I'm 3.5 months past dday.

I too have had feelings where I've wanted to beat on the OM (as IMO, he was a predator and took advantage of my W, and I blame him mostly). I've had opportunity to run him over with my car but haven't (as I don't feel like going to jail).

Also, my father passed away 12 years ago and is not around for me to confide in. I've also, felt that if he were still alive the OM, wouldn't have had the balls to do what he did (for fear of my dad stopping by during the time he was there).

Well, I didn't mean to make this post about myself, but it's easy to ramble. Welcome aboard.

Rob,

It is very good to hear from you. I have heard alot about you, and it has all been good. You may not appreciate it but you have done a remarkable job in this situation and I know Jenny appreciates it.

This stuff is tough isn't and I understand what you mean about not having any male family to discuss this with. I too lost my father and father-in-law within a few months of one another. So many times in the intervening 15-16 years, I have wanted their counsel.
But, it is the nature of passing the torch.

I do think however, that your father and father-in-law would be proud of you for the way you have handled all of this and your reward will be a W to be proud of. She sounds as if she is quite a hand full <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but does keep life interesting. From the sounds of everything you have made a very wise choice.

I also hope that you post here from time to time, as I know you could help some people here as Jenny has done. What is so odd or perhaps interesting about this site, is that help seems to come from what seems like unlikely places. BS's getting help from others, and WS's, WS's getting help from BS's and other WS's. Males getting alot of help from females and females getting help from males.

I warn you it can be quite addictive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Again, welcome and congratulations you deserve the good things that have come from your work.

God Bless,

JL

A hand full LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You said a mouthful there JL.

Jenny

Jenny,

Well, what can I say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In case your H wonders, the next three days will very likely be slow. It is Memorial Day weekend and it extends through Monday here. Sort of like your ANZAC (I think I spelled that right???, if not forgive me) day.

God Bless,

JL

Yo, JL - want some crabs and beer for Mem. Day? You know, newspaper spread out on the picnic table and all?

We can discuss plans for going to Rob and Jenny's for dinner.

You meet us in Papeete and join us on the passage to NZ. We might make a few stops on the way. You know, no hurries, no worries.

Can you be ready in about 7 years?

WAT

WAT,

7 years??? Sounds about right, kids all out of college, arteries hardened enough that motion sickness won't be a problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , Yup, I think it is a plan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

By the way, have you ever been to that part of the world? NZ is a spectacular place and where Jenny and Rob live is just beautiful. It is really a wonderful place to visit, AND they do a bit of sailing down there as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thought that might interest you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Man, you are tempting me with the crabs, and beer. But, alas, I must stay put for a few weeks and get work done around here. Too much traveling already this month.

Have a good one WAT. I may be out your way later this summer.

God Bless,

JL

Hey, like I said, no hurries.

No, I have never been there. We had an au pair from ACT, which is my closest contact. Of course, we'll go on to Aus.

I am well aware of the Kiwi's sailing prowess. Too bad their mates jump ship and sail for the "enemy", otherwise they'd be getting ready to host another Cup challenge, hey? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Red socks and all, its

worthatry

Rob,
Welcome from, Cwmac. Cwmac = male BS.

KiwiJ is one of my few friends here on MB. She, Lisa103 & MrsX have helped me to understand what might have been going through my W's head ( or not, as the case may have been) at the time of her affair.

Like you I wish I didn't have a reason to be here but this is a good spot for trying to figure things out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know as a man it has been very hard for me to seek the advice of other men. In the early stages of our recovery all I wanted to do was talk to a sympathetic man.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen, brother on that one! I like you have neither of these men to speak with. (Who knows they might not understand either, coming from a different generation and all.)

That's the best thing about MB. It's a good place to bounce ideas off of people. It's a place to vent. A place to communicate with those caught up in various stages of the infidelity cycle. Best of all you know there is a place where people understand exactly what you're going through. Without it I'm not sure I would have kept my sanity.

Once again welcome!

cwmac

OK you guys read it and weep.

This is our official tourist site and it'll make your mouth water.

www.newzealand.com/travel/

Jenny

Hi Sandy, WAT, Lisa, RecoveringH, JL and CW

Thank you so much for the welcome. I've just got home from work and it was so invigorating to read your posts. I was going to reply individually but I'm such a poor typist that a general reply will have to do for now. This could be very helpful to me and fun also. All of you have a great memorial weekend- thanks again. Rob

<small>[ May 29, 2004, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: Rob123 ]</small>

bump for Grace who doesn't seem to believe a thing I say

and yes, reading this again has made me feel terrible

Aloha Rob & Jen,

Jen....we love you....Rob....we may have 2 give u a hug 2, ok?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rob, welcome to MB. Must let you know that Jen has posted and received some strong posts in the past. We all wanted to help her get to the place where you were the 'only one'. Now we would like to help you get there also.

It is a hard journey when the BS and Ws titles are bestowed upon us. To shed those titles, takes education, understanding, a clear mind, calm heart, lots of patience and mucho love. The love comes last. Recovery comes 1st and there are times it may appear to be sliding backwards a bit. That's the time u 2 need to hold on even tighter and help each other up one hand at a time.

Glad to meet you Rob. Please keep posting.

Jen, glad you let us meet him....he seems like a keeper, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, I won't call u Mr. Kiwi....sounds too frilli. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Thanks Kiwi for pointing out that your husband has not only
read here but also posted here.
(I am sorry for thinking he may not know you post at MB.)

I had to read this thread twice to realize this was from 2004.
Orchid, did you miss that also?

So does he know NOW, in May of 2006, of your recent meetings with OM?

What would keep him from reading this very thread?

Oh Kiwi, you would NOT want him to find out this way.
(Maybe you have already told him? Hope so.)

Oh, Orchid, it's an old post.

I still haven't got there yet. I am so close to telling him. I just don't want to hurt him again. The OM has gone. I can't believe he even reappeared. That's why I don't want to tell him. Not to protect me, not to protect the OM.

Kiwi, I'm sure you know this whole board is pulling for you and your husband. Just wanted to say it, in case you forget. It's not a perfect world, and we all make mistakes. Hopefully, Rob will see the entire body of your work on recovery and give you a vote of confidence. Some folks will give you 2x4's and others hugs, but I don't think one person on this forum wants to see you fail. Do what you need to do, and let's all hope for the best.