Hi all, It's nice to see so many on you doing well, yet sad to see so many of you in the situation I was in last year.

Just thought I would share my depressing life....

I never did find the truth about my H's suspected A. OW moved away, only contact with her is thru me for business. I did have a long conversation with her and I asked her if she had A with my H. Of course she denied...
My previous post titled "With his dead friends wife"

H is still verbally and emotionally abusive. My oldest D is finally pulling away from her worthless boyfriend. She ran into an old highschool sweetheart and started seeing him. He was home on leave. I flew her out to stay with him a couple weeks and she plans on moving out there near him. Will miss my beautiful granddaughter, but will be such a blessing if things work out for them.

My H hates our granddaughters father. He has threatened him repeatedly even has gone to his workplace 3 times and made his threats in front of customers, fellow workers ect..He is a grown man, 47 years old and acts like a punk...

Our marriage is still the pits. H still drinks too much then comes home yelling and screaming. H blames D and her worthless boyfriend for all of our marriage problems. H will NOT accept any responsibility for problems. H told D's boyfriend that if we get a divorce that he will not be safe in this state. D's boyfriend said that if she takes the baby away he will burn our home down.

What the hell is with all the psychco's in my life?

I dream of having a home all to myself and my youngest D. No one to yell at us, no one coming home angry and drunk.

Guess I am just rambling....

H did not acknowledge me on Mother's Day. He did say he had something for me but had not picked it up yet.............

Yesterday was our 19th anniversary. H forget. He went out with friends and came home 12:30 am. Still has not even said happy anniversary.

So why do I stay here? Because I am afraid to leave. I am such a wimp....I did meet with an attorney for advice. Nothing more.

H will make my life hell if I file. He also told our youngest that there is no way he will allow her to live with me if we divorce. He is so ignorant, so blind. If only he could see himself. We have so much to lose. The farm, a beautiful home, a great off farm business, and of course all the blame will be on myself, the older D and her worthless, hopefully ex boyfriend.

This is so long....sorry...Guess I am thinking outloud...
danneill

You need to stick with us until you get strong enough to take care of you. That will happen. Like star says, when you come here, don't expect WS to change, expect to change.

You NEED a plan...to get yourself out of this situation...

you NEED to start somewhere...
start small....
you need to start saving money....pennies, nickel, quarters, a day....

you NEED to start a plan that frees you from this...
you need to be safe
you deserve to be safe
you need to be free from chaos
you need to be free from threats...

you can do this...
you start small, tiny miniscule...

you start by saving money..

you can start a two year plan that frees you and your daughter once she is eighteen...
you can speed your plan up....
two years is an eternity to live like this...and yet two years is fleeting in relationship to creating that sanctuary you deserve...

YOU need a confidant with whom you inform of that state of your safety....

you need to seek out INFORMATION that empowers you to make a plan....

you must get yourself and your daughter to safety...

lots of women have done so...
you can do so as well
you must protect yourself
you must be safe...but being safe is not with him...

what else can anyone say to you danneill
you DO NOT have to live like this...

there are ways to move slowly and keep yourself safe that put in to motion your safety plan...
please please please seek it out...

start small
gather strength from each tiny accomplishment..
gather strength from each quarter you save that represents your freedom....

you should call the police when threatened
you should start a paper trail...

I could just weep reading your post...
find help it is out there....

ARK

Thanks believer, I hope to have the time to spend here. Work hours in this house are 6am til midnight. I normally cook dinner between 10-12 p.m. Busy time of year for us farmers.

I have changed a great deal already. I'm not sure it is for the better though. I no longer know who I am. H complained and growled about my business for years, made things difficult and never helped. Last year I finally gave up 20 years of work. Sold my business. Made him happy.
Now I have more time for what he wants me to do.

Just been told he will be home in half hour, and to have dinner ready. got to go
danneill

Do what Ark says. You and your kids need to have a happy, safe home free from the oppressions of a bully.

I'ld like to add one thing to Ark's plan - keep visualizing that happy home for yourself and kids. Keep that picture in your head, think it, sleep it, dream it.

If that is what you truly want and do these things, it will come.

W

Excellent advice ark. thankyou so much. I have been saving money. As I sold the assets from my business I stashed it with my mother. It is safe.

I do have a plan (dream). I know that I will never be able to keep our home. Too much of his business is based here. I have made this old farmhouse a beautiful home, by myself, with my money. It will be sad to leave it. But he farms the land and the house and my horsebarn is on this land. We have another farm that I love but his grain storage is there. Would still have him in my backyard.

I don't think I can stay in his territory or I will never be free from him. My plan is to move closer to my family, either buy my grandparents home or build my own. Would have 2 brothers and my mother in my neighborhood.

Funny I have been here 20 years. SOld my home when we married, He bought this farm right out of high school, about 6 years before we married. I have worked my rear off here,but it still feels like this is his place. Why do I feel that way even though he is the jerk? I have told him a few times to leave, (when he has come home drunk & disorderly) but he refuses to leave. He makes tons of promises that he never keeps.

Everyday, all day long, all I think about is being on my own. Planning, counting my money and what I have left to sell, then I tell myself, why do I waste my time so, I will never leave him. How I wish I could see the future.

Will another woman have the original man I married? The wonderful one? Will another woman live in this beautiful home that I made possible? Will she fill my barn with horses? He hates my horses, but he'll probably love hers. Will someone else be planting my flower gardens each spring?, filling my greenhouse with plants and flowers?

There is so much I must give up that I have worked so hard for. I constanly weigh the pros and cons.
I am not a jealous person. I'm not worried about being replaced. What upsets me is leaving all of this that I have built for someone else to enjoy

If only he could see what he does. see how he makes me feel, realize the damage that has been done, and quit blaming everyone else.

This is a classic....my oldest D (22 years) drove a 22 year old junker car for 2 years before he allowed her to get something decent. Then he took the good car away from her because she could not keep up the payments. The car sat in the drive for more than a year. She was then given another junker...

Now my younngest D (16) she is his,...just got her license. Daddy has been taking her to look at new Mustangs. She just got her first job, has worked one day so far. My poor daughters know how unfair he is, but there are no hard feelings between them. They are very close, thank God.

What kind of man does this to kids?

Hope to have time to be here tomarrow.
Danneill

You need to take Ark's advice and get out, this is no way to live, this man is not only ruining your life but your children's.
Perhaps your D's choice in men has to do with
her father - they have grown up thinking his
behaviour is how a man treats a woman

Forget the farm and all the material things - at the end of your life will you have any good memories to look back on??? You deserve better, deserve to be with someone who loves and cherishes you - please go back to the lawyer
Sandy

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 06:12 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Perhaps your D's choice in men has to do with
her father - they have grown up thinking his
behaviour is how a man treats a woman
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are exactly right. She has lived the same or worse than I for 3 years. Her boyfriend has been known to get physically abusive. He likes to party, blow his money (when he works), responsibility is last on his list. He is very verbally abusive. She has no self esteem left. Between "worthless" and my H (stepfather) the poor girl has no self love or value left. If you tell a woman she is no good and worthless long enough, they believe it. On top of that my H has this horrid habit of telling everyone or anyone how worthless she is and all the mistakes she has made.

Yes, she chose an undesirable boyfriend in our eyes, yes, she experimented with drugs for several months, yes she quit college, yes mother has made several car payments for her. No trouble with the law or hurting other people. The only damage she has done is to herself.

H has called her a "worthless f***ing b**** and a waste of oxygen to her face, and he has told the world the same. Turned his family against her, and says she and "worthless" are the fault of our problems.

When H took his wedding rings off last year he said that it was because I turned my back on him. I would not agree with him on how to deal with my D. Said I chose her over him. Said its my fault she is like she is. This is how he thinks. Thats why he blames her. He thinks they planned to cause us a D and that they are happy and laughing about it. There is no changing his mind.

I cringe at the thought of what I have taught my girls. My H is turning into his father, a mean, alcoholic, hot tempered, selfish, judgemental, control freak. We have lived like this for minimum of 10 years. Before that he was a happy drunk. I know there is no changing him, I have to change myself and go on with my life. I do not want to spend the rest of my life living with a tyrant like his mother does.

H is headed to Canada in august fishing for a week. Would be a good time to move.

This morning as he headed out the door, I asked if he was going to even acknowledge our anniversary? His reply, I'm going for a haircut, be back later and he left. How thoughtful of him.

Sorry, guess I am just in a complaining mood. I know this is not MB way. I plan A'd for several months last year when I suspected an A. All that got me was his remark that the only time I wanted SF was when I thought he was having an A. He even told his buddies that. Like I said he tells everyone everthing. There is nothing sacred in this family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

danneill

Hi there Danniell. Could you accellerate your plan? Try looking in the phone book under Crisis Intervention. Even small towns have services for women in crisis, and you could find someone to help you with the plan, and maybe make it possible. My cousin went to a safe house, even though she wasn't in physical danger, and they helped her and her daughter tremendously. Don't wait to start your life. Life can be so good...