Attachment is an unconscious process that occurs when our thoughts, having formed an image of someone or something, then embrace this image as the thing itself we have imagined. We unknowingly derive a sense of “I” from each mental or emotional image thus inwardly considered, and it is this sense of self that sits at the root of attachment -- the punishment of being identified. Understanding this inner dynamic helps us see why letting go is so difficult, because it is never the thing, but our own prized sense of self, that must be released. (Excerpted from Seeker's Guide
Guy Finley,).

What a profound statement by Guy Finley!!! It only took me a year to let this truth sink in!! The A that I had was a powerful addiction/attachment, whatever you wish to call it because I enjoyed the way I felt when I was with this person. It was pure fantasy. The cost was too much for what little "self-fullfillment" I thought I was getting!

I would like for others to give their opinion to this statement by Guy Finley.

I like it...learned it the long and hard way, but from the side of the BS. If my H didn't want and love me, I was unlovable..too much attachment to him and to our M.

If you like this kind of viewpoint, may I suggest some other books...anything by Wayne Dyer, The Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle and The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch in which he refers to differentiation, whereby we derive our sense of self from our own self, not the reactions, actions or lack thereof of our spouse.

The really good thing about the A in my life has been my self discovery and also my willingess to look at life in such a different way. I didn't even realize how much unhappiness I was causing myself and yet blaming on my H.

Thanks for the post. I like input like this.

thanks for the response Anne. I have read everything of Guy Finley's that I can get my hands on. I so much enjoy reading him. I like his style and what he has to say is so relevant, not matter what the cause of the problem. He has opened my eyes to so many things about myself that I just never saw before. Much like you, I blamed my childhood, husband, etc etc for the emptiness that I would feel at times. I even blamed OM. How ridiculous is that one!!!! I don't recall him ever having to twist my arm or anything.

Oh, the lessons have been so hard to learn, but I wouldn't take anything for them!!

Dear Lisa and Anne,
thanks for the post! Yes these lessons are hard but valuable. I'd like to throw in my 2 cents if you're interested <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I think the problem is nobody ever showed us the way to understand why we do things when we were children. And most grown ups don't bother to understand a child. We had to "behave" and we were "bad" when we didn't and "good" if we did. So we just make the best of it, trying to obtain the praise we need and avoiding punishment. And if we don't feel safe enough to be honest, we'll learn to lie.

Grown ups mostly don't care about gently explaining. They don't care if children get bored to tears (literally) when they have to sit at the table with adults for hours with nothing to do themselves, for example. If you put an adult in the company of people that speak a foreign language he doesn't understand for hours, this adult would find some excuse to leave and every other adult would understand this, but a child just has to "behave" and stay.

If you have a very dominant parent you'll never learn to express your needs and/or thoughts. It will even be hard to do when you're an adult yourself because you never learnt how to it. So what do you do when confronted with problems in a relationship? Right.. you don't tell your partner and you hope things will get better. Or you can only express your needs and inner thoughts when they explode into a big argument with your partner.

You learn to give till it hurts or to take till the others hurt. We don't learn to really talk things through, so we have to educate ourselves.

We over-identify with being a W, a H, a mother or a father, because nobody ever helped us realise we are very unique and special individuals with a very own and unique "composition" and talents. Everyone was to busy to makes us fit in and hardly anyone pointed out our very special, valuable and unique shape to us. We don't realise we are special so we look to others to confirm this. When our partner doesn't do that (anymore) because he or she has troubles of her/his own, for example, we turn to others and sometimes we do stupid things like have an affair or divorce a partner that is really not so bad for us as we thought.

A lot of intersting work to do to re-educate ourselves and to find our own unique shape again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .
Keep up the good work my dears!

This thread really hits home for me. Detaching emotionally from my XBF is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. That hold is powerful. And the strangest thing is that none of the things I thought about him or our life together were even true. It was always just in my mind. I can even trace it back to the days after we first met. I know it is projection but it is so powerful, it is almost impossible for me to see him in a negative light, even though his actions have really always been untrustworthy. When I am with him I feel alive and when I am not I feel empty, almost emotionally dead.

Lisa, great thread.

We, you and I and some others here can step back and realize this now, but for those still caught up in the fog, destroying their loved ones it is so hard to see.

The attachment is just this, exactly, if they could only read this an understand this, and then step away from it.

Oh, if this was only a perfect world.

Weaver I would love to read an update on you. I don't think you have posted one, maybe I haven't been on as much lately. I'm thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

KY

Hi KY!

Thank you for asking, but nothing new. I'm still dark. I had asked him not contact me for any reason, that I had had enough of him, and I haven't heard narry a word since a week ago Monday. I hope it gets easier, the longer I don't talk to him. Right now my feelings vascilate wildly between anger and desperation.
That stupid little part of me hopes that he has some kind of major enlightenment and becomes a changed man through not being able to see or talk to me, but that is probably just wishful thinking.

Thake care KY,

Weaver

I believe this is a sole philosophy for the WS just like this thread is labled.
It puts a unique perspective and motive for an addiction or attachment.
Would any of this do the BS any good? Possibly, but it seems that BS only dwells on the fact of attachment and no deeper. JMT.

I think attachment can do the BS good if they are able to understand the WS better. As a BS as I said, I was overly attached to my H and my M. I was attached to a certain outcome of my life. I identified with being a happily married person. Instead of loving myself and being strong enough inside myself, my H cheating meant I was not lovable or good enough. I had a reflected sense of self and too much attachment to the M and my H.

As time goes by, I see many other BS's with this problem. It makes everything slower and more painful, but perhaps this is an important lesson that is a positive outcome of the experience of infidelity in your mate.

I think most BS's look PLENTY deep. The WS's on the board here are amazing, but I think more WS don't want to know the truth of the A. Just my two cents.

Brownhair,
I agree totally with all that you said. Have you read Passionate Marriage? So much of what you are saying is in there.

One other good outcome of the A and my own growth is how I raise my D. It is and will continue to be a lot different than my parents' ways and even from my earlier parenting.