I just found this site and for the first time since I found out about my wifes affair, on Feb 10, 2004 I feel I have a glimmer of hope.

Will anyone please help me get started??? PLEASE!!

What are all these acorynms (spelling??)?
What does everyone sign their emails with?

I am a 40 year old husband with a 37 year old wife. I have been married 10 years, dated 4 years prior to that, two kids (5 1/2 and 1 1/2), found out about my wifes affair in Feb 2004 now 6 months later and I am almost as lost today as the night I found out.

She says it started in Sept 2003 but who knows her lies are too many to count any more. I don't even know if my 1 1/2 year old is mine. Should I have a paternity test or just continue to raise him like I did for the first year before I know about the affair.

To but it simply I am LOST. I have so much on my mind yet sleep and stare into nowhere for hours at work and at home. I have gotten in 2 car accidents in the last 6 months and had none over the last 10 years before I found out.

I do not even know where and how to start.

Does anybody have sometime to suggest the best way to use this site and all the information?

Please let me know. Thank you and sorry to be so clueless. For the last 40 years of my life I have been pretty darn organized and successful and now I am just letting life just run me over.

Welcome to MB!!

To get started read as much as you can on this site. Start with the 'concepts' section. Read about A's (affairs) why they get started etc.. Ask questions of the member's here. For the most part everyone is very helpful and has pretty much seen or heard it all!

Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to; sleep, stay calm, relatively stress free and healthy. Until you look after you, you are no good to anyone else.

As for your 1 1/2 yr. old...that must weigh very heavily on your mind. Let me ask this...if you were to find out he wasn't yours, would it change how you feel about him? IMHO (in my humble opinion) almost any man can be a sperm donour; to be a Dad takes someone very special.

As for the anacronyms:
OM=other man
OW=other woman
OP=other person
BS=betrayed spouse
WS=wandering spouse
A=affair
M=marriage
FBS or FWS= former betrayed or wandering spouse
...those should help get you started! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lost, your not alone and I am sorry that your life has taken the turn it has. You have come to a wonderfull place for help.

I have only been coming since June and the people here have pulled me from the edge more than once.

Make sure your safe and healthy. Tell you medical doctor you had a bombed dropped in your lap (or tell him everything, they have to keep secrets too) and see about some anti-depression meds.

Try to go to marriage counseling (abbr MC) with your wayward wife (abbr. WW) that is pro-marriage. That last statement is based on the fact that you want your marriage to last. Most people who are here do, so that is what I am going on.

Look in the just found out section, the first message has all the acronyms in it. The experts here could put a cool button here for you to click on, but I am no expert, so just go back one page and click on the first message in "Just found out".

The best way to use the site (at least for me) is to set aside an hour or two and start reading. Read the above mentioned threads, look around the site as well for more help. Your looking for references to Plan A and Plan B. That is where most people start. And write. It amazed me how good it can feel to just write down what you are thinking. Tell use the whole story.

Your wife may be in what people call a 'fog' because she may not be thinking clearly. Another thought that I use is to think about my wife as if she has been abducted by aliens. It also makes me laugh a little.

There is a thread here called "Loyal Husband (and MB experts) come here" that is good. It is getting long, but read the first couple at least.

Good luck, and be sure to write when you feel like screaming.

Welcome

I am in the smae boat as you. we are the same age and so are our spouses. Situtation a little different.

come back often and read the posts and articles.

Try the ones on the left panel of this page.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I print them out and then read them on the treadmill at the gym. It helps with the stress and comforts me.

read read read....knowledge is power.

canthishelp

our dates are the same... to the tee....She admitted what she was doing and then came back and started working on things then the aliens came back and abducted her again.

my pain is real.

Thank you all for the start. You all are great to respond so quickly.

I can not even express how much better, even if it is temporary, I feel knowing that their are many other people in a similar situation.

I hope that does not sound bad, but I have been holding all of this in for 6 months and am too embarrased to tell my buddies (that apparently I am married to a whore, for years they have all been telling me how "hot" she is") and do not wnat to tell anyone in my family because "if" we work it out I do not want them to think bad things about her and be uncomfortable at evry Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I have a lot to learn, as I can see from just a few of the "post" I have read.

Oh well i have to start the journey sometime. Thanks for the start. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LostHusband:

My first and best piece of advice for you is to get yourself into good marriage counseling ASAP. When I first found this site (a day after I discovered my wife's affair), a lot of the material here made a ton of sense. My best decision was to start counseling here (via phone) with Steve Harley. You can reach the Harley's (Steve and Jennifer Harley-Chalmers) for appointments by calling 888-639-1639. Some information about the counseling is here. Another alternative is to talk to Penny Tupy at SYMC. She's a Harley-trained marriage coach specializing in infidelity, and does a very good job with Plan A/B (Intervention/Protection in her terms).

Contact one of these people immediately. Everything else is of secondary importance.

When I first came here (years ago), there was no forum. I personally think that in some ways, this was a good thing. Reading the forum is likely to confuse you, becuase not everything discussed here is "by the MB book"---and more problematically, many terms are thrown around here with incorrect meanings associated with them.

I would suggest that AFTER you make a counseling appointment, you follow your counselor's advice. That might include:

1. Reading and understanding this website's Concepts section.

2. Reading and understanding the Q&A section. I would suggest you read ALL the letters, not just those dealing with infidelity.

3. After those assignments, you may have a better feel for what areas YOU need to work on for your marriage. Check out the bookstore to order any books that you may need. When I started with Steve, I got HN/HN, Lovebusters, and Give and Take. There was no SAA out yet.

4. I would suggest that you avoid the forum for a while, so that you don't get the wrong ideas---listen to your counselor, and do the homework you're assigned. I would not recommend that you attempt to do this as a DIY internet counseing project---you've already lost six months since discovery, and this has got to be taking a toll on you. Be very careful not to email or correspond with opposite sex friends---you will be very vulnerable to having an affair yourself at this point, and you need to put appropriate precautions in place (unlike your wife).

Your feelings of being lost and incapicated are pretty normal. With the issues that you've presented here, I'd also suggest that you get to your doctor and discuss antidepressants for you. You're going to be busy over the next several months, and you need to be in the best shape possible. Good luck.

K,

Thank you.

That is great advice. I was already getting overwelmed by all the discussions.

This seems like an almost full-time job. But I guess that is OK since a barely get anything done at work anymore anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Nothing is fun anymore. I just sit and stare and get mad at her on how she has changed my personality. I did not used to be so quite and somber al the time. People at work used to ask me "what happened to the old "my name"? now they do not even ask anymore. That hurts - she has changed me forever after being a pretty happy go luck guy for 40 years. That makes me mad.

But thanks again K.

losthusband:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That hurts - she has changed me forever after being a pretty happy go luck guy for 40 years.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The good news is that I can tell you that this isn't "forever". But you will help your healing tremendously if you get into the aforementioned counseling. You will begin to understand the dynamics of affairs, and how to deal with them. In general, the way you deal with them (successfully) is completely counterintuitive---which is why you need a guide who knows what they're doing.

Good luck---I came through an extremely hopeless situation to recover my marriage, so I know that it's possible.

LH64.....You've already recieved some great advice from some experienced MBr's (Marriage Builders). My D-Day was July 18th and I lost 22lbs in three weeks. My saving grace was this website, Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs by the Harley's. I can honestly say that now I have a plan (Plan A). Everything these wonderful folks have told me to expect (fog babble, statements from WW, etc.) have almost been verbatim. They call it the WS's textbook of responses. Now a month after, I have regained focus, I'm working on myself, Plan Aing my butt off and seeing real progress. It's amazing and 3 weeks ago I was on the brink of possibly ending it all. Time and training has paid off.

Post alot. Read alot. Work on yourself and where you want to be. I'm no where near the experienced ones, but soon I will be.

I wish you the best.......LS

I'm sorry you tried to deal with this alone for the last 6 months. It's a wonder you still KNOW your name.

This is a process. From DDAY on. It's not all guess work...trust me...all our stories have the same theme.

It is comforting to find people sitting where you sit, knowing there are options, there are plans to get you from one day to the next.

I believe you've taken the hugest step..and that's looking for help. good for you...good for your marriage.

Dear Lost Husband,

Carrying the secret is something I find very burdensome about dealing with this. It is important to vent.

You might try writing in a journal. I just write down all the angry nasty things I am thinking (nothing I would want in a memoir). It does make me feel a little better.

Definitely find a counselor.

I was really obsessing at work so I got some books on tape to listen too while i do busy work to keep me from obsessing.

Do some good stuff for yourself. You deserve a refuge from all the A stuff that makes you feel good.

The pain will ease.
You aren't crazy.

Gillian, BS 36
WH, 38
married 11 years
2 DD
PA 11/1/03-12/18/03
d-day 1 12/18/03
d-day 2 7/7/04
found out about EA 1996-??
found out he was lying about PA details