first off let me introduce myself...im NIKKO. i am familiar with most of you but i dont think you know me. i have followed your stories and situations, i read here everyday. everyday for three years. yes you read that right...everyday for three years. my d-day was a long time ago and it was devastating,as you all know. i am posting this because ive been in your shoes....i still kinda am. my husband had an affair with a co-worker. we have two sons...now 8 and 15. ive been through it all and then some....

what i mean by then some is after d-day i suffered a nervous breakdown. complete disassociation.(probably tho only reason he lived... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). ive dealt with a passive agressive conflict avoider who has been unwilling to do anything for three years. ive heard every excuse in the book...just got a promotion...you and "this" have to wait(that was right after d-day), we dont have the money for counseling, or the time. we are so much better off now, the affair was a good thing...blah blah blah. ive hung in there for three years waiting. ive been through it all, i know how you feel.

ive begged, pleaded, plan a-ed, freaked, demanded, drawn boundries, name it, i did it. i educated myself in those years about all this and hung in. i also suffered severe post traumatic shock and aghoraphobia. i hid in my house and watched as life went by. but as i hid i made many friends here and learned. i read and read til there wasnt anything i hadnt read or tried. i needed to get to the point of knowing i had done it all. see, my youngest son knew nothing of this. we are the "perfect family". no fights, no yelling, nothing.(remember conflic avoider) so he had no clue and i knew his world would be shattered. this is something i knew would kill his very soul, so i knew i would have to be able to look at him through his tears and be able to tell him i did all i could and mean it. I got to that place on august 9th of this year. his father pulled one of his usual stunts of not comming home on time(no affair just inconsiderate), and not calling. he strolled in at 3:30 am from a dinner and i was just floored. no more! i didnt snap, i didnt panick, i didnt scream. i waitd a week and then asked him to leave. gave him a list of conditions, that if he did, i would consider letting him return to our family. it wasnt a long list, your usual stuff. then i made him pack and leave. our son was devasted. so was my husband. i made him tell son he was leaving. i didnt alleviate his pain in that. he had to face the music now. i hated him for letting it get to the point of cruelly hurting his son. i was allways hoping he would "wake up and get it" before then. alas, he didnt. i held that child while he screamed out to god why....cried and sobbed from his soul for hours and hours. it was the worst thing in my life i had ever been through.(you all know the pain we endure---this is worse)!

he left and we have been apart since. he is now counseling with an idividual counselor, a good one, and harley. he is doing what he needs because he finally was brought to his knees by god. (while he has been out he has had some amazing things happen to him, could only be gods hand.) he is earning his right to be my husband and our sons father again. he threw that away so easily....he never realized he would lose it.

what im trying to say is dont give up hope. i have been at it for three years. been through the ringer and then some. have fallen and made mistakes and gotten up and learned more. i will contiue to learn and grow and hopefully fall in love with my husband again. he will learn the importance of family and healing himself. we will be stronger and more wise and have a better life for it. dont give up.....regroup and keep going...even harley was a little shocked when he heard from us almost three years later and i was still hanging on. do all you can....it does get better......

im going to end it here, i dont have any more of an ending than this...there are no guarantees. i have no idea if my husband will finally get it. i do know, i do though. i know i can be knocked down but will dust off and get up. i know i will survive something that should kill us from the pain. i know ive made friends on here that i will have for life. i know my sons will be ok. i KNOW i will be ok. god bless to you all and know i am praying for you.

NIKKO

N
Thank you and you are an inspiration.

I know about nervous breakdowns .... P/A .... avoidance ..... I've been there and like you *I* am still learing and healing .... and surviving!!!!! (My therapist said that was one of my BEST qualities .... and I didn't think I had any "qualities" - she said *I* am an amazing woman and I think you are too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

"I prayed for you today!"

Brown

nikko,

It's sooo good to hear from you! I have thought of you often and wondered how you were doing.

Thanks for the inspiring post. You know how badly it's needed for those still struggling.

Keep up the good work nikko. You are a strong and amazing person!

Nikko, your resilience staggers me. Three years of this, when I feel alost through at seven weeks. * sigh *

I pray that I may have some percentage of your fortitude. And CONGRATULATIONS on the rebirth of a wonderful marriage !


I needed this post, thank you, thank you, thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

dear brown and nearly---thanks for reading. after three years i am pretty amazing huh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ive seen and heard so much wanting to give up recently, i needed to post this. i too felt like giving up in the beginning. its part of it i guess. but you have to make a choice, and i did, i was gonna do everything including wait to save my marriage. i got wise and healed my own wounds alone. i will continue to do so. you just have to decide what it is that you want....do you want to be right...or do you want to be married.

bob---YOU WERE ONE OF THE ONES I POSTED IT FOR!!!

Hi Nikko. Thanks for your post.

...dark before the dawn.

GC

Dear Nikko,
I'm almost in the same state here. I raised a few things tonight with H and was told to f*** off out of his life. I don't know what I am doing here. I guess I should just be happy with a non romantic passionless marriage where we have a good working relationship but that is where it ends. The sad thing is that maybe I would have settled for that if he never had what I have dreamed of with another. Who have I been kidding that we are recovered from all of this. I have let myself down again and been in denial again. This marriage is OK as long as I put up and shutup and give up on ever having my needs met. Three years and my hopes are gone and I feel like a fool once again. In fact the police came to my door tonight because of the noise, but of course ther was no yelling "hardly" denial is a dirty word and I am married to the king of conflict avoiders and the sad thing is I am in a place whre I am avoiding the conflict and telling myself it is all rosy when in reality I am just living a pretend life.

I am ready to throw it all in. I post here to try and help others. Why? I can't even help myself. I try to give hope that it can be recovered. Who have I been trying to kud. Myself I think. Our relationship is no better than it ever has been except that he is not scewing someone else.

Maybe there is just too much there and it can never be overcome. I don't like posting this because I like to think that others get hope from others in recovery and we are three years down the track, but I can't kid myself anymore. pretending there are no problems does not mean that there are none.

If you can't even talk about it, what hope is there?
C&S

greycloud--you were number two on the list of who this was for....LOL

confused----tell me about you. what have you done? have you learned about conflict avoiders and their ways. have you learned about passive aggresive bahvior and how to deal with it? why on earth would it be ok in any realm to have someone say f**k you to you?? why do you feel so unworthy?

tell me more and i will try to help. my husband white knuckled recovery for 2 1/2 yrs. aint gonna work. i am no longer the person i use to be...some for the better some not.( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) but this is who i am and i am worthy of decency and respect. i have given it even under circumstances when it wasnt deserved. i dictate how anyone treats me...it is up to you yo say no more....and mean it. are you ready??

talk to me and maybe i can help?

Nikko....
Thank you for posting that! I've really been going thorugh a rough time and think sometimes I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I know I am a strong woman and no matter what happens I will survive and my son will be loved and will be ok.
Your story was an inspiration to me!!!!!
Everybody keeps telling me that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. If that's the case...then he must see all of us as very stong people!!!!! I will keep you in my prayers along with everyone else here on MB!!!!

Hello nikko,

I want to thank you for your post as well. You are awesome.

I really needed to hear your words because I've been feeling like giving up lately.

svb

nikko
I have posted to you before. I identify with you because you seem to have had similar issues to me. i think I have read every book and site known to man to try and find a way to work through this.

occassionally I think we have a break through and that things are getting better, but it is just stonewalling and things promised (which were promised on day one of reconciliation) are never carried out. I think that maybe I have to accept that this is the way it is, That my needs will never figure as an important factor in this relationship and either get on as it it is or consider other options, which if I didn't still have one dependant child might be an easier decision.

I went to work after I was told to F off and believe me I nearly didn't come home tonight. If my son was not here I don't know that I would have. And of couse my H is so concerned that he is in bed snoozing now while I am in turmoil.

Maybe I am just emotional. I can usually convince myself that things are OK, but I am having a hard time doing that right now. I am beginning to think that this relationship is just not good for me anymore.
C&S

do not ever give up and dont delude yourself into thinking the kids will be fine. i absolutely hate those words. think about the pain we endure as adults.....are we fine??? no---we survive something that by all rights is painfull enough to kill us....we survive---we are not all right. now picture being a child......

they also will survive but i think its a shame we think they will be allright. i have seen and lived this devastation.....this is my second marriage. my oldest was 15 months old when his dad and i split. he to this day has lasting issues from it. and we didnt have an ugly marriage or a nasty divorce....and he still has issues.

do all you can to work on it---you owe yourself that and your children.

nikko,

Thanks for the balm for my soul and resolve. I am at almost 5 months and it seems every day brings more bad, no terrible news. I vowed that I would not log on this weekend, but something made me do it and obviously it was to read your story and renew my courage and determination.


Thank you for sharing your story.

dear confused----he will only change when you do. he did this and what was his consequence??? like me probably none.....you've decided its up to you. my hubby only started to get it wheni rocked his world....not an easy thing either...took me long enough.LOL

i just realized i could no longer accept the way we lived.....it wasnt enough for me. and i also know it wasnt enough for him. so i was allowing the same things that led us down this path to live and thrive in my marriage. NO MORE.

be strong and really think about this. my hubby would have been just fine if i left it as is. not me, i was dying inch by inch. i refuse to do that any longer.

Nikko....I have no words....This MB is a conduit of God's grace.

U people are truly of the remnant.

be happy Nikko that your post has inspired so many down like me & GC

{{{{nikko}}}}

Thanks Nikko
I have seen you in your sruggle to mend your relationship and your story does give me hope. its just that after three long years of trying to get it right I just wonder if it is ever going to get there.

I post here to others saying, here we are, we are three ysars down the track. We are mending. then I have a night like tonight and I think, we are no further than we ever were, it is just that I am not being true to myself. I am denying that I am not fulfilled. I feel like a hyposcrit.

I talk to others about how to reciver and I am not truly recovered myself. I am not able to follow MB priciples myself. What a farce I really am.


Sure he is here. Ans he does do alot to try and show me he care as far as practical things. But there is no real sharing of feelings, no passion, SF about once a month is I am lucky, (which had been better initially) and when I raisedthat I needed more of that was what led to tonight's problems. Is it really OK that you feel so little for each other that conversation can't get deeper that how fast the grass is growing or whether this job needs doing? I think I am still jealous of the romantic love he had with OW
C&S

all i can say is----YOU GOT CONVO'S ON THE GRASS AND JOBS NEEDING TO BE DONE, YOU ARE WAY AHEAD OF ME!!!!

it can be done!!! i am proof. i have more to say but have to run son to aa meeting....yes i am dealing with an alcholic 15 yr old who also had a pot addiction...i am done with hearing what we cant do! we can do this. i will be right back.

Hi Nikko,

It's nice to see the old-timers dropping in... I'm glad to see that you're making progress in your marriage.

God bless...

You are an inspiration to me. Truly amazing. I'm in week four and feel dead inside when ever I'm not having an anxiety attack that is. At least I know it will get better. Three years WOW!