This is my first post so please bear with me it is long as I feel I should give some background. First off I have read most of everything on this sight-basic concepts, infidelity and other articles, plan A & B and so on. I have also been reading the discussion topics for some time but never joined in until now. Plus, I have read articles from other sites and the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

DISCOVERY

Anyway, I found out in March my W was having an A. A couple of days after W told me we should separate I read an email of hers to a friend stating she loved being with OM and was turned on by him like she never had been by me but she was a little in doubt. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do. So I did a little research about how to handle it because I knew if I went to her then I would be very angry. It took me about 2-3 weeks to actually confront her. I think was also in a bit of denial and I was also scared that when I confronted her our marriage would be over.

CONFRONTATION

I sat down with her and told her I wanted to talk with her. Very calmly I told her that I knew we were having problems but that I believed we could work through them. I actually stated specific things I knew I had done wrong. After stating this again I said that I felt we could work through this but she needed to end her A. She seemed shocked and said she wasn’t having an A. I said she could call it what she wanted but I knew she had just spent weekend with OM. She admitted and said she had ended it that day. In my heart this is what I wanted to hear so I believed what she said. We talked a little bit but didn’t get into any details. Mainly that she wasn’t sure we could work things out.

EXPOSURE

About 3 days later I saw a message on her phone from OM saying that’s great I love you too. I was devastated again. I worked at night so I was on my way to bed. I didn’t sleep for a while I just sat in bed and cried. My MIL came over and must have heard me crying because I came down after sleeping a couple hours and she asked me if everything was ok. I said no and told her about W’s A. I asked MIL to please talk to W. I told her not to blame W but to encourage her to do the right thing end the A and recommit to our M. I also talked to SIL later that day and told her same thing. That evening I sent text message to OM from work saying that I knew what was going on and it was wrong. Also that I loved W very much and wanted to work on our M and needed for him to end contact with my W forever. When I came home in the morning W said she had talked to MIL and that things weren’t as bad as I thought they were and there was a story behind W and OM but she was on her way to work and couldn’t get into it then.

AFTERMATH

I started plan A immediately, as best I could. W didn’t seem to want to talk about A. She said for me it was only about A. I told her I knew we were having problems that we needed to address and work on from before the A. I started checking her phone and found occasional messages from OM. I told her I needed for her to end all contact with OM for us to be able to work things out. I tried on different occasions to get her to talk to me. I said we should talk to see what went wrong with us so we start to work on us. No real response from her. After seeing a message to OM from her I asked her what was going on between them she said nothing. She also said she hadn’t been able to talk to me because she didn’t have any feelings for me. I didn’t know how to react to this.

About a month after Dday I left W a letter on my way to work. It stated I knew we were having problems and I was sorry for my contribution to these. Also that I knew I wasn’t meeting her needs so she turned to OM. I didn’t think she was a bad person or blame her for this just knew that she was human. I just wanted us to talk so I could learn from my mistakes. That we could have a great life together and I would be here when she was ready to open up. She called me at work after reading this but I was busy and couldn’t talk. Nothing was mentioned of the letter later.
I decided I would give up on trying to get her to talk. I decided to just be friendly and upbeat as much as possible. It has gone on like this for months. I stopped looking at her phone and concentrated on me. I started working out doing more things to help out around the house and with our two DD (2.5, 5). I just tried to be her friend. It seemed like she had ended the A but was too embarrassed to open up.

PRESENT

About 3 weeks ago I wrote another letter to wife stating that we needed to talk about our situation. That having secrets was putting up an emotional barrier between us. I also said that I had been reading “Not Just Friends” and that she might want to read it because it may help to make us communicate effectively about our situation and could make us both better as individuals and as a couple. No response and the book just sat there.

About 2 weeks ago I found a book about divorce in our closet hidden under her pants. I didn’t know what to think but also was a bit scared to ask her about it. The book didn’t seem to have been read and sat in the exact same place for that week.

Last week my world caved in again. While looking to see if the divorce book had been moved I saw a box of stationary. In the box was a letter from W to OM. It said it had only been 3 days since there break up but W had a lot to tell OM. How she was happy the way they ended it and how when he kissed her she got butterflies in her stomach just like the first time they were together and that it was fantastic. W said she was just upset because OM was upset. It also said she had been reading the divorce book and it was the fault of her childhood. It ended by saying she loved him. I had been so naïve to think A had been over when it was really going on all these months.

I decided to check her phone again and saw W had been texting with SIL saying she had been reading divorce book and she was scared of divorce and what others would think. W also stated that she had answered questionnaire from book that said if you answered yes to less than 50% of questions divorce was a rational way out. W stated she answered 15% yes and ended sentence with smiley face.

Looking back at last week I have noticed W has been very moody and short-tempered. I am guessing she is in withdrawal and trying to deal with loss of OM. I love my wife very much and still want to work on us. One of my questions is how do I approach her so I can help her through this difficult time? Have others gone through this and worked through withdrawal with no recommitment to M from BS? Also should I try to get her to read “Not Just Friends” and how?

Thank you for taking the time to read this very long post. I look forward to any and all responses and thank you in advance!! I may have left something out so please feel free to ask questions.

search for the posts by the following:

Ark
Bob Pure
Justahusband and
TDVA

You'll find a lot of the holes and speedbumps we have gone through.

WOW...

did i write this?...sure sounds like it.

cant wait to read the repsonses on this one.

if there is any comfort in knowing that there are others like you out there then Here i am.

my situation is similar but has not been going o on as long.

Thanks for taking time to read. Any one have any advice or other comments?

Coaster,

Well, I have some advice. First read the articles here. Read about plan A which you have been doing, and then about plan B which you may well have to do, because I doubt that this A is over. Then read about needs and do the needs questionaire as should your W. If she won't then, do it for her by answering as you think she might.

Finally, read about the four rules of marriage: time, protection,... and about the two policies.

The policy of joint agreement, POJA, and the policy of "radical honesty". You will need these policies to rebuild your marriage.

Finally, it is time you decided to stand up for your marriage. THat means you need to insist on NC and the No Contact letter be sent. You should see it, you should approve it, and perhaps you should mail it.

You disclosed the affair to your MIL and SIL, but if she persists and if this OM is working with her, it needs to be disclosed to their bosses.

YOu have given her plenty of time to end the A. You have done a good plan A, but you need to read more about recovery. It will be hard, but you must also be willing to move to plan B is OM is still in the picture at all. That means one or the other of you leaves. It is that simple, but it is hard to do.

Finally, you MUST talk with her. Your fear of her anger, rejection, etc. is going to kill your marriage. This cannot be swept under the rug or your marriage is very likely to ROT over the years due to your resentment and lack of trust. It will NOT be pretty sometimes and she will be angry, but you need to know why she did this. You two need to develop a plan to prevent this and that means TALKING to each other. Hence the POJA and "radical honesty". They would have protected your marriage you and your W used them.

Time to step up, and speak up. If you don't communicate you will have a W that will do this again.

God Bless,

JL

I agree that this sounds alot like my situation. But you are further along. I advise to see a MC individually and think before you speak to your W. Just know that there are many of us out there. You are not alone.

Jmash

Well you have been doing a fairly good Plan A all on your own. That is the suggested MB way.

I did not understand why they stopped seeing each other. Do you know the reason?

JL-Yes, I know I have to speak up. The problem is I am a huge conflict avoider. Plus, I'm not sure how to bring it up and what exactly to say. That is why I have written letters because I have time to think about what to say with no interruptions. But I do have to sit down with W and discuss our situation. It just makes it harder because I live overseas in her country and if we split up I'm not sure I could stay here but couldn't stand to not be with my D's. This is very confusing.
Believer- No, I have no idea why they have split up. I know my W has been talking to SIL, who supports me, and SIL may have convinced W to do it before W makes any decisions on our M. One text message I read last week from W to SIL said that she would manage it until further no contact with OM. 2 days so far so good. Again I don't really know.

cr:

Is the OM married? Have you exposed 2 anyone on his side of things?

-ol' 2long

2long-OM is single and no one to expose to on his side. He has nothing to lose in all this. From the text messages and letters W has written it seems she has ended A and is going through withdrawal. In message to SIL when W stated 2 day NC so far so good W went on to say she was about to die and compared NC to quiting smoking. Back to my original ? how can I bring it up to her and help her through it?

by bringing it up 2 her and offering 2 help her through it.

I'm not being sarcastic, either. I KNOW what you're talking about- I "suffer" from conflict avoidance (really "conflict postponement," based on a short but excellent article by Penny Tupy to her yahoo group members recently).

It's hard 2 break the ice, but break it we must. There will be angry "discussions" about this for a while, where both of you will alternate from being the "attacker" and the "victim". That's what keeps us from facing, even embracing the conflict - fear.

This whole recovery process is such a learning experience. Try 2 think of it as an oppor2nity for personal growth (and marital restoration). Try not 2 get 2 bogged down by what "she did 2 me" kinds of victim stances. They'll prolong the healling process.

-ol' 2long

2long-that is definitely easier said than done. I don't think I can just sit her down and say I see you are trying to have no contact, I know it is hard but I want to help through it. Any others out there who stumbled upon WS establishing NC and how did you bring it up?

You might be at a stage where if you want to talk about the M all the time she looks at you as an ogre.

Interesting that she's trying to end it, but also trying to find a way to rationalize divorce.

She's in a war with her conscience. She was happy about the survey because it gave her permission to divorce. WS love to get permission from sources that they can convince themselves are credible.

I don't know what you should do differently. Your power is very limited right now. Plan A. Don't let her attitude get you down. If it does, try not to let her see it. It's okay to tell her how the A makes you feel, but when she's moping around and sulking, you have to avoid taking it personally.

I don't want to scare you, but your WW sounds so much like mine was it's almost freaky. Though she didn't fight as hard with her conscience. She had that fight, but it didn't last long.

GC

GC- Thanks for the comment but I am not at a stage where I constantly talk about our M. In fact, I hadn't brought it up for months until I left her the letter about reading "Not Just Friends" I am trying to just be her friend but I also don't want to wait until it is too late too talk to W. I need to find the right way to sit down with W and get to the heart of why this A has happened. But this is not easy for me since I have tried in the past with no good result.

Thanks for replies. Any others greatly appreciated.

new at this as well, but posting helps. I am in W from an EA long distance. The best thing I have ever heard is that it is like an addiction, that I need to not make contact. It has been very hard and depressing, BS doesn't know. If you could find a way to let her know that what she feels is real and legit (pain) and if she just holds on she will get over this (my hope) it will help her tremendously, its keeping me from Contact, I am at 10 days, and already I am starting to look at my hubbie w/ bright eyes...

I didn't see this last post until now because I am in a different time zone 7 hrs ahead. I'm sure you are probably asleep now. I am trying to find a way to let my wife now that I am here to help her through withdrawal. But I'm not sure how because from what I've read WS are not so receptive to BS during this time.

CR,
There comes a time when you have to realize that less is more. In her current mental condition, nothing you say is going to impress or make a difference to her. How you handle yourself however, will speak volumes about who and what you are. Your patience and quiet understanding will say all that needs to be said.

If it were me, I would back off totally. I would not be in her space constantly. I would not be looking for reasons to seek her out or follow her around the house from room to room. When she goes out, I would not ask where she’s going. Such action will do nothing but serve to emphasize your own insecurities to her.

I would not offer anything in the way of emotional support, or be making any other effusive gesture not common to past behavior. Such gestures will have a false ring to and probably will just irate her. Instead, just be there to listen if she wants to talk Be friendly, kind and available. Offer a dinner out, a movie to go to or something else fun to do. In other words, show her your support don‘t talk it, do it.
Coach