from your WS that they never loved you or don't love you like they should. I keep hearing this over and over from my WH. I assume it's the fog but I am beginning to believe that he doesn't love me and maybe I should give up and give him the divorce he keeps saying he wants.

He said sometimes he thinks he should try to see if we can work things out. But then says there is no use because he knows things can't change and his feelings won't change about me. I just feel so alone tonight. I just got off the phone with him. After hearing how much he didn't want to be married to ME just feel worthless and hopeless. I feel so sad for my kids. And our new baby that will be born soon. He said this is about him and what HE wants. HIS happiness. What about ours? Guess we are suppose to sacrafice ours so him and her can be happy. Of course he says OW has nothing to do with how he feels and I am in denial.

It is CLASSIC WS fog talk brought on by the addictive nature of the affair. They ALL say that. Don't you pay it any mind. He will be singing an entirely different song once the OW is gone.

See, he is trying to rewrite history in his mind in order to justify the unjustifiable. So, don't get upset, this will change once the OW goes bye-bye.

I know it hurts...but I've heard it word for word. I guess at that time....they all say the same stuff. Hang in there,this is a great time to draw closer to the Lord, he gives me strength.

I read the books and a lot on this site about the fog. I believe my husband is in it. He has read posts in here before. He said that some people might be confused or in the fog but HE feels the way he does and nothing will change that. He feels that he does not love me like I should be loved and those feelings will never change.

He says he thinks about coming home and trying but then when he thinks about a few months or years from now he doesn't see his feelings change. So his mind is set he wants a divorce. Doesn't want to waste my time, hurt me more and give me false hope. He wants me to sit down with him and work out a separation agreement that would make everyone happy. Whatever!!!!

He is allowing his feelings to determine our future together. So I guess I don't see any hope of this turning around. Since he is still so much into the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If WH says his feelings will never change. And that he knows that what he feels isn't love for me. What could I babble back?

We've all heard it. Either "I never loved you" or "I love you but I'm not IN love with you."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ForeverChanging:
<strong> If WH says his feelings will never change. And that he knows that what he feels isn't love for me. What could I babble back? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"ok, dear."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ForeverChanging:
maybe I should give up and give him the divorce he keeps saying he wants.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Noooooooo

If your H wants a divorce .... let HIM file.

He's trying to goad YOU into filing... then he can say "She divorced me."

Whenever he says "I don't love you like I should" ... reverse fog babble your answer..

"Yes, I know. It's a challenge to love who you've become lately. I'm working on it."

Your H says, "I want a divorce. Why can't you get that through your head?"

You reply,

"Divorce yourself if you want to."

You don't have to make sense... because he doesn't make sense. Just keep it short... and don't take what he says to heart ... because it's really stupid what he's saying... and oh-so predictable.

And when what he says is soooo stupid you cannot come up with a quick response??? Hug him or smile at him and say..

"My husband... where are you keeping him? Please send him back. I miss him." *kiss* "Gotta go now. Bye."

Pep

Pep,
I agree he wants me to file. He keeps saying most of the time he does things to make me angry so I will let him go and give up on our marriage. He wants me to handle the filing and paperwork maybe let him feel a little less guilt.

My biggest problem when we talk on the phone or in person is that I try to argue his feelings. Because I know most of his comments are really silly. Sometimes I do it hoping he realizes what he is doing. Course I have done it all and now realize he has to figure things out on his own. I need to learn how to babble back and just let his comments role off of me. I hold them to my heart and they hurt sometimes. They replay in my head over and over. Then I feel like nothing will change about how he feels.

Hi FC,

I don't know how long you have been here or when your DDay was but let me just say this: yes it's best to keep the D issue on your WH's plate for now and let him stew with the idea.In the beginning you should be showing the WS that you do want the marriage and are not willing to end it so quickly.

But,there does come a time in many cases where you do have to be the one to file and stop the madness.I am one of those people.It's not what I wanted and I have gone through all the plans and done everything I could to keep the marriage afloat.But it is not failure to recognize that you have nothing left to work with,that a marriage cannot be fixed alone(it takes two)and that it doesn't mean that this option is the right one,but yet,it the only one there as opposed to staying with a person(WS) that is continually hurting you and the family by their inaction or choices.Even Dr.Harley suggested 2 years total in SAA for trying.

I too get the same messges from my WH: he will always love me,it's a unique kind of love( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )and it will never diminish(his latest e-mail) and that he loves me but is not "in love" with me(long ago).Bleck.If he only knew.

Being in adultery is a supremely selfish act and sometimes they(WS's) never come out of it to see the destruction they have wrought until many months or years down the road,sometimes only after a D and the reality really sets in for the WS and OP after they no longer have a family for back up.

Your WH sounds very conflicted still so turn a deaf ear to what he says.It's mostly hurtful statments in the beginning and they don't even fully realize the impact all this drivel has on those that they have loved.

One thing is for sure though in my situation: I never let WH forget that we are divorcing solely because of his selfish and painful decision to commit adultery and refusal to stop.Not for any other reason.This falls squarely on his shoulders and always will.He can live with that in his soul now.

O

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

DDay was 12/25/03... He swore he would stop contact on 12/31/03 that lasted about a week then he broke down and has called her eversince. I didn't find MB till about May. I have never done a good plan A. With my pregnancy and the added hormones I was a emotional basketcase while he was at home. He went from wanting to work on our marriage. Saying how much he was sorry and that he was happy I was still by his side to I don't want to be with you anymore.

He did not see OW for about 6 months after DDAY. She lives 10 hours away. But when he went to see her for a weekend he came back with his new attitude of not wanting our marriage anymore. Since July he has insisted that he doesn't want to be married and it's not about her but refuses to stop contact with her and even try.

I am to the point where I am about to deliver our 2nd child together and don't know what the future really holds. Other than he is SURE he feels nothing for me other than caring for my wellbeing.

ForeverChanging....
I think we married the same man. My STBX said the EXACT same stuff....as I'm sure many WS have said.
I think it is serious fog talk. The OW is freedom to them. We are responsibility.
I gave up on trying to save my marriage because I found out so much stuff that happened so long ago and all the lies. I just can't live with that. I am much happier now that I have made the decision to divorce. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do in your situation. Hang in there.

That is just it. He wants out to feel freedom but forgets he will always have responsibilty. He even suggested that we could get a divorce and he would live here for the kids. Guess so he could go screw around as much as he wants with nobody to answer to.

I am so bad at the babble back stuff. He called a little bit ago wanted to talk to the boys. He ended up talking with me then he got into the divorce talk again. He said he just doesn't understand why I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. His words hurt. I just got emotional and said because I can't shut off my feelings like you can.

I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. Honestly, once I decided not to communicate with him anymore I started to feel so much better. I was able to deal with my feelings without hearing all of my STBX's FOG talk. Have you thought about trying Plan B?

For myself...talking to the OW was the final straw for me. I decided that day that I deserve better than what I was getting. I know I will be fine and will meet someone who can treat me with respect.
I feel for you right now but keep your chin up and I promise you things will get better. I know right now it doesn't seem like it will. Just trust me....I was so broken down and never thought I could make it without my WH. I know now that I can and will be better off. Hang in there!

Sit him down and in a very calm voice ask him to put a date to that statement about 'never loving you.' If he can't, then ask him when did he start lying to you.

My WS did the same thing. I sat him down went backwards in time from current to the day he proposed. The dork couldn't put a date on what he was soooo sure about. Why? Because it was fog talk. Then angrily I asked him what else was he lying to me about. He stuttered. Then I said, ok if you never love me, can't remember when you never loved me, why in the h3ll did you write all those cards and letters. Which side of your face said all those loving words, or was that one of your multi-facted personalities? Didn't know I was married to a Mr. Carrie type persona!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Again he stuttered. I told him think about it and get back to me. Then sent him on his way.....merry or not. LOL!!!

I did it that way so that the words would ricohet in his head. When he was with the OW, he had to recall that even if he said he never loved me, he couldn't give me a date and that stuck out more than those hurtful words.

Awwwhhh.....the beauty of reverse babble. Works, every time. Just gotta be patient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.