ok. I know the rollercoaster of emotion is normal, but I also find myself thinking about doing the same thing to my H. Sometimes I am almost obsessed by it. Its not a revenge thing for me either, it's a I want to level the playing field again. Before the affair, he and I had only been together. Now, he's been with somone else, and I feel like I should be to. This is NOT consistent with my own values, or anything I have seen on this website, but its driving me crazy! Any suggestions?

Whether it's normal or not, quite a few BSs mention this early on, until they wise up and see the absurdity of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by truetoself:
<strong> I want to level the playing field again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, you'll level the field alright - you'll be in the gutter right along with him.

This would be the absolute worse thing you could do.

thank you for sharing. I know that it would be awful, and I know how I would feel about myself. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, so I wont do it, but I was just expressing the obsession with it. It makes me feel awful to even think like he did.

Logically, it doesn't make sense, right?

In this struggle, please keep using your logic and taking your time. This is something your WS has likely lost all ability of doing.

You'll be ahead of him all the way by doing this. When you doubt your logic because your H seems so sure of himself, allow folks here to validate you. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense.

WAT

Again, thank you for your insight. Its strange, because after reading to some of the other stories on this board, my sounds so much better. If you can have a degree of better whenit comes to infidelity. My H admitted to everything, and ended all contact without any problems, he wants to do everything he can, and he never thought of her as someone more than something he could have until we moved(in January). He did have some strong feelings for her at the end of the affair, but says that he recongnized them for what they were and never intended on leaving me. In fact, he hated the affair in a way, because he couldn't tell me, his best friend, about it. It sounnds bizarre for me to even say it, but thats how it is.

Dear T,
I feel your pain. I learned of my wife's A less than one month after our 19th wddg anniv. Hit me like a ton of bricks. It's been 7 wks now and I still ride the emotional rollercoaster. Experiencing the joy of a renewed commitment and intimacy one day, then apathetic, depressed, and imagining "leveling the playing field" the next. Some of the easy-answer 1-2-3 posts I've read here only stir my emotions. Hope I haven't deflated your balloon...only wanting you to know there's someone else out there with your same feelings.

Dear Rocked,
I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through the same pain as me. I would not wish this on anyone. In fact, that is why I decided not to contact the OW. She has a fiance, and I couldn't put him through that too. My H actually showed me that with something he said. It is rough, and I know its not going to get better anytime soon, but some days I can see a future on the horizon. It's those times I cling to.
As for some of the posts making you feel emotional--me too. They stir up lots of different emotions that as your login name suggest, rock you to the core.
Thanks for your support, and I will offer mine if I can.

Dear Rocked,
I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through the same pain as me. I would not wish this on anyone. In fact, that is why I decided not to contact the OW. She has a fiance, and I couldn't put him through that too. My H actually showed me that with something he said. It is rough, and I know its not going to get better anytime soon, but some days I can see a future on the horizon. It's those times I cling to.
As for some of the posts making you feel emotional--me too. They stir up lots of different emotions that as your login name suggest, rock you to the core.
Thanks for your support, and I will offer mine if I can.

Dear Rocked,
I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through the same pain as me. I would not wish this on anyone. In fact, that is why I decided not to contact the OW. She has a fiance, and I couldn't put him through that too. My H actually showed me that with something he said. It is rough, and I know its not going to get better anytime soon, but some days I can see a future on the horizon. It's those times I cling to.
As for some of the posts making you feel emotional--me too. They stir up lots of different emotions that as your login name suggest, rock you to the core.
Thanks for your support, and I will offer mine if I can.

sorry about that three time reply. my computer went whacko <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by truetoself:
<strong>I would not wish this on anyone. In fact, that is why I decided not to contact the OW. She has a fiance, and I couldn't put him through that too.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is the affair over?

If not, contacting the OW's fiance is imperitive. Exposure is what ends most affairs.

If your H's affair IS over - or you think it is - he should have no hesitation contacting the OW's fiance to come clean. Doesn't the fiance deserve to know what he's getting into? - e.g., marrying a betrayer? Of the four of you, he's the only one left in the dark and the one most in need of the knowledge.

WAT

Yes, the affair is over. He has not contacted her by any means that I know of since 12/21. They had been exchanging emails and such up until this point. I suppose he could still being contacting her at work, but that's the one place I still have to trust him. There's no way I can find out if he's contacted her there. I'm not even sure how to contact the fiance, I do not know her address, and the only phone number I have is her private cell number. I thought about emailing her at an address that her fiance is likely to read, but have really avoided this because of how it made me feel. See, I did write her a not so nice email, and sen it from my H email account but it did not go through. I thought she would be more likely to read it if it were from him. I was so releived because of how it made me feel afterward. Since then, I have written another, nicer, but firmer letter, but have not sent it. My H said he is afraid that she will view this as a reason to get in touch with him, so I have been waiting until we move away(this Friday). Any suggestions?

You're moving away - does this mean he will no longer be working with her?

If not working with her after the move, then the conventional wisdom is that he should write her a "no contact" letter - specifying that their relationship was wrong and that he's commited to your marriage - and having you review it and mail it. A copy should be sent separately to her fiance. I bet your H knows how to contact him.

Do not underestimate the power of a NC letter. It cleanses and is a good way to assure the hapless other BS that the affair is (very likely) over.

That said, relapes often occur. Be careful. Do not fully trust him until he has earned your trust, which shouldn't be cheap.

WAT

I made him email her the next day saying that can no longer be any contact with him. This was befor I came to this sight and found out how to do things properly. She wrote him back saying that she very much regretted all she had done, and would never contact him again. But then he did call her the next day to tell her not to call his cell phone anymore either. He says that he was paranoid because he had told her during the affair she could call there anytime, without me knowing. I was furious he called her, but from the phone records, it shows that he talked for less than one minute and he says he talked to her voicemail. Again, I'm not sure if I believe that, but there has been NC since then that I can see. He says that he doesn't even desire to get caught up in that mess again. Confusing? Yes.
As for the fiance, I dont know if he knows how to contact him. She told my H that she was going to end the relationship, because she realized she did not love him like she should. I dont believe a word that comes out of her mouth, she told my H some great lies(or so it sounds to me). The girl is really screwed up to start with, and I would hope the fiance knows that much at least.

Also, I forgot as a side note, throughout the affair, he told her that he was committed to me, and that he loved me and that he was moving in January. He told her it would end then. He now sees that it wouldn't have ended then, if was still in contact with her, but at the time, he thought of this affair as a temporary fun time. Sick, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear T,
Wow, 3 replies. You must have more self-control than me because first chance I had I used my W's cell to call the guy and let him have it. BTW, he was a former workmate of mine. With much anger and some choice words I threatened to blow the top off the secret by telling his wife (they have 3 kids) and boss. Funny, his wife called me the next day because he confessed it all to her before I could act upon my threat. I do believe that all parties need to be informed and then contact completely cutoff. Have you changed your husband's cell# and email address? Do whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable that contact will not occur.
Enough for now. I hope your move goes well and it brings a fresh start for your relationship.

Thanks, Rocked for your nice words. Sorry again about the computer glitch on the repies. No, I don't have a lot of self control. I DID send a nasty letter to an email address that I knew he would see, it just didn't go through. I was relieved because it was a NASTY letter. Not like me at all. I don't know if you have seen my other post today, but she decided to talk to my H again, and wrote me such a sweet apology <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (sarcasm here, if you can't tell). So, I did send her a letter, even thought people advised against it. My H sent it through his email address, and signed his name at the bottom. It wasn't as nasty, but I guess there were a few jabs. I dont feel disgusted with myself this time, but more relief.
Now that we are moving away, I hope that it is a fresh start, and yes, we are changing phone numbers, email addresses, and everything.
Thanks again, and take care of yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Make sure your H carries all the heavy boxes since you are already carrying a heavy load. I relied to your other post too.

Heck, he doesn't even have to do that. We hired movers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Although, I did leave the house last weekend to spend the last two weeks at my mom's house. My daughter's and I have been here, and I left the house a HUGE mess with lots of cleaning to do for him. I just didnt feel like being domestic that week before Christmas(gee, I wonder why!) To be honest, I'm not that good at the cleaning thing in the first place, but I was even worse those last couple of days!

Question...did you tell your daughters about the A? I have 3 kids (16, 13, 10) and they do not know. In fact, only a few out-of-town people know. One of my W and I's concerns is that our kids will find out. If you knew more about my situation you'd understand. So, did you tell them?