At the risk of sounding dumb, how do I find the stuff I need? Plan A, Plan B, what it takes to talk to Dr Harley? Other things, besides drugs.

It's not like this just happened, I have been dealing with this for over a year, she left October last year!! Get over it for Christ's sake! I swear that everyday seems to get worse. My life is coming apart and I am watching it!! I feel better when I "vent", but then I feel even worse afterwards talking about my F'd up life with people (Good, caring people <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I don't even know!! I wouldn't do that at the grocery store or even at the workplace! I'm really confused. What am I doing??!! I feel like I am the one in the "fog". I walk around with NOTHING else on my mind. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate you all SO very much, and your time and thoughtful advice.

FR, my "expectation management" failed me tonight. I did some LB tonight, bad. I am just SICK of the way she treats the boys, or doesn't give them what they need from her. I can tolerate how she treats me, kind of, but man it pisses me off when anyone hurts them or threatens to. I just let her have an earfull tonight. Not so much as a call. She told them she would spend the day with them Wednesday, her day off. They went to school talking about it. My oldest asked at about 3pm when she was coming. I told him I didn't know, call her and ask. He did, she said she had to use the bathroom and she would call him right back. I called her at 8pm and told her she made me SICK! I hung up on her.

I am having a lot of trouble with everything. End of the year stuff with business, State sales tax, Tangible personal prop. tax, I just became an LLC and I need to get my Unemployment tax going and my FEI along with my worker's comp exemption (which I could be fined $5,000 for not having, not to mention the business I am doing business with another $5000 for a total of 10,000!!). I have let all this go!! I am not returning business phone calls. I have my parents and thier property to help take care of. There is so much more. I know, move forward, pull your sh-- together. I am trying with every part of my being. I just feel so wounded. Thanks all,

Out here,
CJ

Also, is the "Fog" just about an affair? My W is not currently in an A. Or so I believe.

Yikes, take a deep breath.

Do not chastise yourself for the time it is taking you to adjust. My husband's affair was two years ago and I'm not over it. Don't worry..it's better than it was (didn't want ya to lose hope), but chastising yourself is the last thing you need!!

If you click on the link at the top of the forums for "home" or "concepts" you'll find most of the MB principals in there. Also.on the forum itself..is a group of forums listing all this stuff.

I don't believe "the fog" is only there during an A. It's there for awhile after. It is possible that your wife has changed permanently but don't jump the gun. That might not be true at all. Read up, all you can. I do recommend the books, but until you can get ahold of them, the main website itself is a very good resource. It is not just a "teaser" for the books..there is very good and very useful information in there.

I stumbled across this post from Mortarman, Thanks MM.

She is nuts. She is a WS, right?

But....listen to me now. You do not have the right to vent on her, to give her what she deserves. You do not have that right. I know it is tempting. And I am guilty of doing that with my wife in the past. But it helps no one. You may think it will make you feel better. But in reality, it only does two things. First, it will give her ammo to her foggy brain that nothing has changed and that she was right somehow in doing what she has done. And second, she will treat you like that...which will make you more angry and hurt. And thus, the negative cycle begins.

You can control this by not unleashing your anger. Anger is based on one thing...fear. It is okay to tell her you are scared, tell her your fears and hurts. it is NOT okay to give her your anger. No matter what she has done.

Ignore the fog. Concentrate on the truth and the good things. You made some good deposits. Dont worry about the rest. As long as you make deposits and dont LB, then you are moving forward.


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Hey Chris:

You're highly frustrated, which is normal for anyone in your shoes - hence the LB's. I'm a business-owner as well and went through everything you're describing. Basically, became "un-plugged" from the world for a while. Some call it emotional-overload. The good news is that it all comes back to you - given time. You're dealing with a lot of emotion right now, mostly negative. It's not fair, right, or healthy for anyone, including your boys; but it is what it is. Your WW is not and will not be "herself" for a while; and as much as this will add to your frustration; LB-ing will only make it worse.

Maddyk offered very good advice. Please follow up on it, the information will be helpful.

Below; I have copy & pasted information from another thread that is excellent. A bit lengthy, but very good for your situation. Read about Plan-A as well. It's important for you to take care of you & your sons right now. Your W is in a world of her own (fog) and there is not much you can do about it. Good Luck. [Note: I leave for a conference across the country tomorrow morning and return Sunday night. I will try to catch up each day and see how things are going.] Right now, remain faithful to yourself, your boys and WW even if she's unreceptive.

FR

Taken from How to Divorce as Friends webstite

Notice what happens when you get upset. It's the same when your W is upset. You close down inside. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. All you can do is to fight, resist, hang on, or withdraw.
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Almost any action you take in this state destroys love, fuels conflict and makes your situation worse. If you could somehow be free of the fear and upset, the tunnel vision would disappear.
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To handle a situation, you need action, not resisting.
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Fear is created by avoiding and resisting a future possible event. For example, let's say that you are married and that you are resisting the possibility of your spouse leaving. The more you resist this future possible event, the greater your fear.
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As your fear increases, so does the chance of your fear coming true. You become threatened and hang on even more. This in turn pushes your spouse further and further away. By avoiding and resisting this future possible event, you create a state of fear and upset that tends to bring you the very event that you are avoiding. This is the nature of fear.
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For example, in your heart, be willing to lose your spouse. But in your actions, do everything you can to create an environment where he or she would never want to leave. (Plan A) The moment you become willing to lose your spouse, fear and upset lose their power.
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The first step is trusting. Trust that no matter what happens, you will be okay. Now this doesn't mean that life will turn out the way that you want it to. Life often doesn't. Trust is knowing that however life turns out, you will be fine.
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The second and most important step in the process of letting go is to be willing to feel your hurt. This is important because it's the automatic avoidance of this hurt that forces us to resist.
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There are two steps in the healing process. The first step is to be willing to feel your hurt like a child. This releases the emotion. The second step is to find and dismantle the inner mechanism that creates your hurt in the first place.
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So feel your hurt willingly like a child. Keep telling yourself, "It's okay to feel the hurt. It's okay." Let the hurt come and let it go. Cry as hard as you can. Crying is the most powerful tool for releasing hurt.
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You may notice certain thoughts as you cry: "Why did she do this?" "Why can't she love me." Let the thoughts guide your crying. Cry each thought. Then move to the next one. Let the hurt take over. Feel the hurt of your circumstances and the deeper hurt of feeling worthless, not worth loving, a failure, and not good enough.

It's not the truth that you are this way, it's just a hurt, but it's a hurt that we'll do almost anything to avoid feeling. "If I really am worthless, I might as well die." Notice how painful it would be if you really were this way. Notice how much you have avoided this hurt. This is the hurt that runs your life.
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To heal this hurt and to be free inside, you need to do the opposite of fighting it. Find the specific hurt that you've been avoiding and make peace with it. Get to the place where you can say, "Yes, I'm worthless. So What? I'm also worthy." As you do this, the hurt loses power and disappears.
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If you want a relationship to work, you need to accept your 100 %. You need to make sure the other person feels loved, accepted and appreciated. When you are reacting, this becomes impossible.

Usually, it's just a matter of time until someone gets hurt and upset. That person then puts up his or her walls of protection and either resists, attacks or withdraws. Then the other person gets upset and does the same thing in return. Then the first person gets more upset and reacts more forcefully toward the other.

Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of resisting, attacking and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the conflict.
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It is physically impossible to have a cycle of conflict with only one person. Each person is 100% responsible.

Once you discover your role in the conflict, you can do something about it. You can stop the non-accepting. You can end the cycle of conflict and restore the love.

Take a moment and look at your relationship. Find your 100 % responsibility for the loss of love. Notice how non-accepting and critical you have been. Notice how you have hurt the other person and how that person has gotten upset and given it back to you.
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Releasing Guilt
The key to releasing guilt is to recognize that we all go through life doing the very best we can with the extremely limited skills and awareness that we have at the time.
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Making mistakes is part of the human process. This is how we learn. Every time you make a mistake you learn a little more about life. You then become wiser and more aware.
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Are you willing to forgive yourself for not knowing? Are you willing to forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware? You might as well. If you look, you did the very best you could with where you were at the time.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive yourself for acting consistent with your limited awareness and forgive yourself for the damage that you caused as a result of your not knowing. Allow yourself to be human.
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Resentment
When you have a resentment, a major part of you closes down. You become bitter and less able to express your love. You lose your aliveness and your joy for life. You put up walls of protection and you make your life more difficult.

Letting go of a resentment is not for the benefit of the other person. It's for you.

When you resent someone, you are saying very forcefully, that the other person is the problem, the cause and the fault. Not you. You forcefully blame the other person so you don't have to look at yourself.
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The next step is to notice that the person you resent has a very particular state of mind and a very particular way of seeing life. Notice that this person has a very limited awareness and acts totally consistent with his or her limited skills and ability.
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Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Forgiveness is a choice. Let go of your resentment and get on with your life.

Hope this shortcut can help..........

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

and you can make appointments for Harley by clicking on the counsel under the MB header at the top of the page

all the best