Here's a letter I want to mail to OW. I've been in Plan A for almost 2 months now and my WH and OW are still meeting each other for dinner, talking on phone, etc. Any suggestions on changes? Should I send it? Hoping that it gets to her for Valentine's Day.

-------
Mrs. OW,

Why do you keep pursuing my husband? I love my husband very much. I would like you to leave him alone and end all contact with him. There are many other married men whose marriages you can try to wreck.

Think about what you are doing. You are so desperate that you can't find a single man, you have to pursue another woman's man. Why would you want to share someone else's man?

Absolutely nothing justifies the inappropriate relationship you have with my husband. He is a married man and marriage is between two people not three.

Take care of your own family and find your own man.
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Nope. Don't send it.

To her, it will only make you look weak and desperate. It will achieve nothing.

The only reason to contact her is to make sure she knows your H is married, not getting a divorce, etc. Does she know this?

Is SHE married? Have you contacted her H?

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 09:56 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

hurt, first off she does not care if your H is married. If she did, she wouldn't be having an affair with him in the first place.

I went back and read some of your posts, and I think you are ripe for Plan B. You have been in Plan A for some time and your H has no intention of stopping his affair. And why should any sane man forfeit such a great situation? He has TWO women meeting his needs right now, there is no reason to give that up.

Do you know about Plan B? Have you considered counseling with Steve Harley?

Don't send it.

There is no gain for you.

Ramp up your Plan A and get ready for an awesome Plan B.

While you are getting all your Plan B ducks lined up .... you choose behaviors and attitudes that are very attractive to your WH.

Then .... you flip the switch ... and go dark with Plan B and he is left missing you and the OW has to put up with your WH going through withdrawl for you.... and she won't have the knowledge or the tools to deal with a grumpy man who REALLY misses his wife and family.

Have you exposed his affair to everyone who matters? Do this while doing an excellent Plan A....

Plan A should not go on much longer for you ... your fence-sitter WH needs a crisis to force a choice.

YOU choose to NOT be in a love triangle ... and he cannot choose to have both of you.

Pep

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I wholeheartedly agree with those who posted to you.

OW does not care he is married. The letter will do nothing to help you and everything to make her feel stronger.

Take it from a woman who did plan B poorly and too late....your best friend is going to be a super dark Plan B.

Take the time you need to set yourself up for Plan B. Continue to Plan A to your best ability. Expose.

And then Plan B his butt.

Call SH if you can. He was so helpful for me.

Good luck to you.

Oh....and about the letter. Write them to your hearts content. I know I did. I never sent them though. I vented through them and got the energy out that I needed to. Don't give that energy to her though.

Do NOT send it. Someone who does this kind of thing just will NOT care what you have to say. You will probably never be a real person in her eyes.

If you do contact her, the only thing you should do is tell her that you will be exposing the A to EVERY person in her life as soon as you are aware of another contact between your H and her.

I had to do this and to be honest it is a source of resentment that I had to take that step to make the attempts at contact stop. I wish my H would have made it clear to her that the attempts were completely unacceptable--at least in a way she would get, but she NEVER stopped. As long as my H was willing it never would have stopped. Finally after two Plan B's and MORE, I reached the point that I told him one more contact and I was done. He finally was at that point, but OW would not quit calling, so I told her I would expose. I had not done that and I realize I should have done it earlier. In the end though, it was my ace and it finally got her to stop calling. In general, an OW is out for herself and doesn't care about anyone else's M.

Please do NOT send this letter. It takes responsibility for the continuing of the A off of your H where it belongs in regard to your M and the possibility of recovery.

Do NOT send it. Someone who does this kind of thing just will NOT care what you have to say. You will probably never be a real person in her eyes.

If you do contact her, the only thing you should do is tell her that you will be exposing the A to EVERY person in her life as soon as you are aware of another contact between your H and her.

I had to do this and to be honest it is a source of resentment that I had to take that step to make the attempts at contact stop. I wish my H would have made it clear to her that the attempts were completely unacceptable--at least in a way she would get, but she NEVER stopped. As long as my H was willing it never would have stopped. Finally after two Plan B's and MORE, I reached the point that I told him one more contact and I was done. He finally was at that point, but OW would not quit calling, so I told her I would expose. I had not done that and I realize I should have done it earlier. In the end though, it was my ace and it finally got her to stop calling. In general, an OW is out for herself and doesn't care about anyone else's M.

Please do NOT send this letter. It takes responsibility for the continuing of the A off of your H where it belongs in regard to your M and the possibility of recovery.

Thanks for the advice. You are all right. Now that I've calmed down I realize that I was just frustrated from contact that I knew happened last night.

This is by far the hardest thing about Plan A - knowing that he is still maintaining contact with her. Is he still pursuing her or is it mostly her? The questions keep going over and over in my head. And then when he comes home late and I know he's been out to dinner with her, I literally get sick to my stomach.

I have set a timeline for Plan A but it doesn't seem like it's coming soon enough.

faithinme, I've heard different things about exposure in Plan A. I think it would be a LB. I've exposed to her parents but not her H. I let too much time get by. I thinking about waiting until Plan B to contact the OW H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtwifefromindy:
<strong> I think it would be a LB. I've exposed to her parents but not her H.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHAT??????

Her H doesn't know????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This should have been one of the very first steps you took.

OF COURSE IT WILL BE A LOVE BUSTER!!!!

ALL EXPOSURE IS!!!!!!!!

But exposure is a calculated LB.

Do it ASAP!!! DO NOT inform your H that are doing it.

WAT

I would be dead, divorced or on pills now if I had not exposed to OMs GF.

DO IT NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!

It is the best tool you have in your arsenal !

hurtwife,

I understand how you feel that exposure would be an LB.

I felt the same. In the end, you have to do what you are comfortable with.

That said, IMO, telling OW's H is even more important than telling her parents. The H will have WAY more influence in ending the affair.

Although the exposure may seem like an LB, in my own experience, I found that the FEAR of my WH's reaction to my telling was the bigger reason I didn't tell. That fear can be huge.

Exposing to her H may be the greatest tool you have at your disposal. You can't work on anything in your marriage until that is over.

From a woman who waited WAY to long to fully expose, I would advise letting the OW's H know. I was SURE, ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE that my WH would never speak to me again and it would push them that much closer together.

Really though, they were sleeping together, meeting when they could and still fully involved in the affair. How much closer could I have pushed them? The whole reason he had both of us is because he couldn't give either one up.

Exposure didn't change that. It just made him mad for a while.

Think about it. You have to do what you feel is right in your situation. Just consider that your number one obstacle to getting to the starting point of working on your marriage is the A. Exposure can be a powerful tool in ending the fantasy and the affair.

I will forever regret not fully exposing earlier.

Actually I forgot to mention that OW and her H are actually separated, apparently since summer 2004 so that's why I haven't called him yet. My WH co-workers have told me that OW H doesn't want her back so I didn't want to add to that, in hopes that maybe she would go back to him and leave my WS alone.

They (OW and her H) have 3 yr old who she neglects to have dinner with my WH almost every weeknight including probably now as I type even though he's supposed to take me to dinner tonight.

OK, I remember that now.

What's your time frame for Plan A?

What are your plans for your own separation so you can go to Plan B?

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hurtwifefromindy:
<strong>

faithinme, I've heard different things about exposure in Plan A. I think it would be a LB. I've exposed to her parents but not her H. I let too much time get by. I thinking about waiting until Plan B to contact the OW H. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do yo want to save your marriage?? If you want to save your marriage, then call the OWH TODAY! Why in the world are you throwing away this valuable resource?? Your marriage WILL NOT SURVIVE an affair but it will survive some temporary anger from your H because you exposed him.

Plan A means doing everything in your power to end this affair and often calling the OP spouse is the SINGLE MOST EFFECTIVE thing you can do. You can't afford to not do this.

I posted above before I read your response, hurt. I would still call him up and talk to him. As far as you know, the information you have comes from the OW and is a lie. It may be true but there is also a chance that they are either a) back together or b) trying to reconcile. Your call could mess things up for her at best. It wouldn't hurt anything for sure and you may get some valuable information.

I'm with MelodyLane on this! Still let the OW's H know. You never know what could happen.

Yes. I'm going to call OW H. I really need to start Plan B soon. My timeframe was 3 months and this continued contact is just decreasing the love I have for my H. He says and does opposite things. He says OW has backed off and yet here's a message I saw saved on his phone:

"I just wanted to say that I missed seeing your face today and I wish I called sooner so I could hear more of your voice. Sweet dreams"

Doesn't sound like backing off to me. 3 more weeks to go for Plan A.