</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Mom so depserately wants me to file for D and move on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No offense to your mom, but . . . that just doesn't normally happen. Whether you and your H are heading for recovery, or D, you both have much processing to do ~ both of each other's stuff, and your own stuff.
I know she just wants to see you OUT of pain, but it will take time for that to happen. Trust me. A couple of our friends here had infidelity strike in their M's, after H and I got back together. One is now D'd, and the other is in the process. And neither of them are "moving on" anytime soon.
Your H needs some space. That is why he moved out. I know you want him to give to you, but he's just not ready! You cannot force people to do things they are not ready to do. And you know what, Homer? You don't have to give to him at all right now. Just because you love someone, you don't need to expend your personal energy and time and focus on him ~ he just doesn't warrant it right now.
First thing I recommend you do is ~ make a pact to play games with your kids each night that you have them, and make a rule that you will continue to play until someone actually falls off their chair laughing. My kids and I created this, and some nights when we were really down, it took 4 games before we could get goofy enough for someone to fall off their chair laughing.
You, and your kids, need to realize there is still laughter to be had, good times, LIFE. Your life is not over. In the grand scheme of things, honestly, this is just a blip on the radar. No decisions have been made, you both are just in a place that you need to be in for a while.
The growth you can acheive right now, can begin right now, could catapult you (and if you reconcile, your M) into areas you have never dreamed of. You will know yourself so much better when you are through this.
Take this time away from him to do some stuff for you. When you want to talk to him, read a relationship/self-help book. When you want to write him a letter, play a game with your kids.
And just like dieting, just because you messed up once in the day, DOES NOT mean you have messed up the whole day. Try not to let your mind think in all these absolutes, black and white. There is a WHOLE lotta gray out there, and that is where you are. Just be there. Try not to fight where you are.
Find some quietness in your brain, and just look around. Take honest stock of where you are at. Are you in life-threatening danger? Are your kids? When I used to feel despondent about my M, I would realize that the worst-case scenario in my life is not the loss of my M ~ it would be the loss of one of my kids. And both my kids are healthy, and at that time, they had me, and I was level-headed and let them know I would never leave them and we were staying in the house, and that everything was going to be OK. Because everything will be OK.
You are just in a rough patch, a blip on the radar. You are just fine, Homer. I know because you are in a M with this man, you are taking his actions very personally. I did for a time, as well. But ultimately, this is a crisis that your WH has gotten himself into ~ and to some extent, he is going to have to get himself out of.
By you yourself moving forward, putting your best foot forward, by taking care of you and the kids, you can lead him by example. Because that is all you can do to help him. Show him that change can happen, that happiness can be had again ~ and that HE is not solely responsible for any of that happening ~ you are.
Spidey
