I was talking to my DD age 5 yesterday about her trip to McDonalds on Sun. and she revealed to me that she had driven there with OM. WW said they had walked.

I am sooo pissed off about this. It is one thing if WW is going to be around OM but it really disturbs me that WW would have DDs around OM. I truly feel this sends DDs the wrong message and will have a detrimental effect on them. How can WSs be so stupid as to not see this?

I didn't get a chance to talk to WW last night but told her this morning I needed to talk to her tonight. I need to tell WW that I can't have this. Have others had this discussion with their WS and any comments on how they did it??

CR

This is a very common event, CR. The WS tries to use the children to "normalize" or bring an undeserved respectibility to an unrespectable relationship. Your instincts are exactly right; children should NOT be exposed to this. Please protect your D and make it clear to your W that your children will not be dragged into her sleazy affair.

Just don't expect her to see it your way; she has rationalized her affair in her mind and has lost all sense of propriety.

Thanks for the reply,

I also don't expect WW to see it my way. I'm just wondering how to make her see it my way because I am adamant in my belief that my DDs not have any contact with OM whatsoever.

Have any others had this discussion with WS??

Coasterride, I seriously doubt there is anything you can say to make her see it your way. Really. It will come down to you explaining that this is a boundary that will not be crossed. Your D is not a negotiable issue when it comes to being dragged into an affair.

Coaster,

I have seen lots of folks here have this discussion with WSs....never with much success. You cannot reason with a fogged spouse...it is akin to talking to a drunk. Do what you have to...don't expect co-operation or understanding...you won't get it. Sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yes, I know. Nothing seems to get through to WS. However, I do feel I have to tell my WW that I absolutely do not approve of this because this is the first time I know of it and WW needs to know how I feel.
CR

Coasterride,

Melody is right, your WW obviously doesn't see anything wrong with this as she is already doing it. Nothing you can say is going to make her see the light.

This is and should be one of your boundaries. I went throught the same thing myself. I was in plan A, but this was something I was more than willing to fight about. There is NO doubt that this is nothing but harmful to the kids.

Of all the crazy things my W pulled during her A, trying to get my kids involved in it is still the most unbelievable and shocking thing she tried. It's what I will have the most trouble getting past, and she did some nasty things along the way.

When your DD is grown and you tell her about this time of her life, she will be proud of you for keeping her out of the middle of her Mother's A and your WW will have a lot to answer for. You are doing the right thing by protecting her, no matter how your WW may react. Stay strong and God Bless.

starman

Thank you for the reply.

I am so glad there are such good people out there to help and offer support during this difficult and trying time.

I know that this is not good for my DD and can show them that there father can be replaced so why couldn't they be(among other things). Even though they are still young kids really do understand a great deal.

It just amazes me my WW always says she wants a D and the kids would be better off than to be in a family with problems such as ours. WW says she is so concerned about our kids but can't see how this is detrimental to their well-being.
CR

Coaster,

I had some success with this issue - and I think WW has held the line on this.

The main thing was to get her to imagine what it would be like if I was introducing our child to another woman. She got the point - because she is a rather insecure mom - and fears any possible competition for her child's affection. It might not work for you - but you've got to lay down the line anyway. Good luck.

What happened in our case is that OM bought a gift for DD (this was back when WW had moved out to an apartment and we were living seperately). I routinely stayed with our child at WW's apt while she took a class. I told her that if I found the thing that OM gave to our child, I would smash it in tiny bits and give it back to him. Not very mature <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> - but she got the point - said she would return it - and BTW - I searched every cubic inch of her apt to verify that she had gotten rid of the gift. Our child was at an age where one doll out of so many didn't really matter and wouldn't be remembered.

-AD

Hey Coaster,

I really feel for you. Going though the same thing myself. I'll give you a bit of history on my situation :

My WW started an A in about May of last year. The OM was also married. I found out about the A in June and she moved out in July. OM moved in with WW in about August <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Soon after he moved in she started pressuring me to allow her to introduce OM to the kids. I made it very clear to her that I didn't think it was a good idea and that we should seek some professional advice from a therapist before introducing him to the kids. I told her I heard horror stories about kids reactions to the event. She agreed to the professional help bit. I then procrastinated with going to the therapist (purposely). She then approached me and we "had it out" regarding this. I basically said to her "Its too soon. You know what, its not me they (the kids) are going to hate if you do this." I think those words got to her and then a couple of days later she phones up and says "Don't worry about calling a therapist we don't need to do this right now." I also suspect there was trouble with her an OM relationship but I'll never know for sure.

Then around XMas WW moves out of her place and into a new place. As far as I know without OM. I wonder whether OM is even in the picture anymore.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. I went out of town for a weekend and left the kids in WW's care. When I come back WW phones me and says "I hope this was ok. But OM was with us on the weekend." I was absolutely furious but kept my cool. Later that same day DD10 approached me in tears and said "Mommy was hanging around this guy all weekend and wanting to do stuff with him and it was really uncomfortable." I then sat DD10 and DD11 down and exposed the A to them. WW was suppose to talk to them about OM but it sounds like that was a non-starter.

Right now I'm hoping WW got the message that this is NOT ok but I won't hold my breath. I am really frustrated by this whole situation and it makes me really, really angry but I've tried to keep my cool for my kids sake.

I don't know if that helps any but that's how it went for me. I agree that talking to WS is like talking to an alien.

Depending upon where you live there may be legal means you can use to prevent the meeting with a restraining order or such. But you should consult a lawyer before you say anything. Threatening a restraining order might work?

Good luck and keep me posted as this is near and dear my heart right now.

Miker

CR,

Do a thorough background check on the OM. Use whatever you can find to show he is not good t/b around your children and make it a legal issue if possible (ie: RO, custody issue, etc.).

Expect the WS to fight you but if you do this with the law on your side it w/b harder for her and give you more strength. Of course the down side is that she could counter you and lie to the courts. You take a risk with this option so get with legal counsel before you proceed. I would still do the background search though. Drunken driving, domestic abuse, drugs, whatever you can find.

JMHO,
L.

Well, I thought I would let everyone know what happened.

I talked with WW last night after DDs went to bed. I told her our oldest DD let me know that WW took DDs to McDonalds with OM. She seemed a little stunned at first and I think wanted to make up some story but I told her not to lie and she said it was true.

I told WW I truly could not believe she had done this. I actually said that most of what she did now didn't amaze me but this really did. I told WW it was one thing if she was going to see OM (of course said I didn't approve of this either) but it was totally wrong and unacceptable to have DDs around OM.

My WW actually said she knew it was wrong and had really tried to avoid it throughout her A. I told her that it is easy enough to avoid-JUST DON'T DO IT. She agreed and said she wouldn't have DDs around OM again.

My WW seemed sincere but, of course, she has become quite adept at deception. At least my WW does know that our DD will tell me if she does it again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Coasterride:
<strong>My WW actually said she knew it was wrong and had really tried to avoid it throughout her A. I told her that it is easy enough to avoid-JUST DON'T DO IT. She agreed and said she wouldn't have DDs around OM again.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow! She knows and understands that it is wrong. She's miles ahead of my WW. But you are right in being suspicious and keeping your guard up. Make sure the communication lines are really open with your kids so they'll tell you if something happens again.

Also if your engaging in legal proceedings make sure this issue is specifically addressed. Although it was in mine, and she still did it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Miker