Hi, I am Bob Pure !
My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.
These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.
God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.
Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?
So who is Bob Pure? My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape then , maybe just like you now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> :
How did I feel on D-day ? I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !
And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.
See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !
First hopeless mess thread I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.
New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.
WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spousesIt made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.
Plan A advice from experts Plan A is as much an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !
BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.
Experts stop my impatience with plan A Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.
WATs guide to affair exposure 101 Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against the affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband,K and WAT almost BULLIED me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.
Wierd affair dynamics with WS You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WS and OP don't like exposure much ! Hyuk hyuk ! Fog from WS after exposure....Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair.
Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM's GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good. OM GF has thanked me for my BRAVERY in exposing to her and helping start their R recovery.
OM GF begs for proof of affairSO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. Recovery is like climbing out of a long tunnel only to see miles of desert in every direction. You need a compass, not a map any longer.
You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"
Is it all worth it? Temptation of BS in Plan AYour FWS will probably suffer withdrawal fom their feelings of addiction to the affair and OP. You must support them through this, even though it hurts you so badly.
Suzet's wonderful guide to withdrawalYou think " I don't want this betrayer back"
Don't particularly want her backYou will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?You may find you are tempted to settle for the easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in your arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through lonelinessYou may feel you can never be part of a couple again :
Each of us is alone in this lifeAfter a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMWAnd you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.
You may feel that although life is imporving your WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS.
You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.
Get inside a FWS headAs a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than I could have dreamed.
Discussion on total forgivenessAnd you may find yourself taking more blame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair
Isit all my fault ?If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.
Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.
Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.
Be brave. May God bless your noble fight.
