There have been problems in our marriage for a while now. Things seem to have started to get worse about a year ago (just after I had a miscarriage). As my H & I were dealing with the guild and pain, we started to drift apart. He now says he was giving me space.... what I needed was to share what we were going through. We just kept drifing further apart....<P>About 6 mos. ago, I found an old college friend again after 8 years. (We had just gotten computer & Internet) We spent a lot of time catching up. We talked alot, and he would always be there when wanted someone to talk to. (My H works alot of nights & weekends-- I'm 9-5) He would offer hope about my marriage... advice and ideas from a "man's" point of view. <P>In college, we used to do everything together... movies, shopping, homework, etc..... we even used to write stories together (funny, dirty, mystery). Everyone would tease us about being a "couple", but we never went there.... he was one of my "girlfriends".... we talked about everything. (Including sex, relationships with others... offering advice and feedback).<P>We again became close.... sharing the same type of relationship we had in college. We traded Family Photos... me & my H, him & his W & son, vacations, homes, "pets", etc.. This is were things really got bad....<P>He sent me a bunch of photos attached to an e-mail.... Disneyland Vacation, Family, Son's Birthday, etc... I downloaded them all, and looked at the ones that were identifiable. There were a lot of other items in the file I downloaded them to, so I only opened the ones I was looking for, and then deleted them. Unbeknownst to me, there were some other s that came through at the same time..... Pictures of him naked. I never saw them, until my H found them and opened them to see what they were.<P>When hubby sent them to me at work and called me to "ask" about them I told him honestly that I did not know about them, and I had not seen them. I immediately called my friend to find out 'what the hell is going on' ....He said he did not mean to send them, and he did not know how they got attached.... he was mortified and apologized profusely to me. He also contacted my H and apologized to him. But this, combined with the type of "discussions" wh would have, convinced my H we were having an affair. (friend lives over 1000 miles away). My H knew about when and how often I "talked" to my friend on the 'puter, and that we had even talked on the phone.<P>3 1/2 mos. ago H told me to break off all contact with my friend, and we both wrote him an e-mail together. I did as my H asked. I broke off all contact. I could see how it looked to my H. <P>My friend tried to contact me by e-mail on day.... (new screen name), and I wrote it down, so I could tell H about it.... he found the paper in my wallet, and confronted me about it.... I never had a chance to tell him on my own (he doesn't believe me when I tell him). To make things worse, a few days later, my friend left voice mail for me at work, and a message on the answering machine at home.... wanting to make sure I was ok, and to say he was sorry he had caused any problems/pain. I called him back.... to again tell him..(this time in "person") not to contact me again. After the fight the day before about the e-mail (which I never read). I made a BIG mistake.... I didn't tell my H about the call. You guessed it... he got the phone bill. <P>We had been having other problems before this, and now they were getting worse... no matter what we were arguing about, he would bring up the pictures.... What more could I do... I had given up my friend, and had been trying to give H everything he had asked for.... and still things got worse.<P>Week before last, as I was leaving town to go to my Aunt's funeral, we had a fight about something (laundry & a phone call). I figured a few days apart would do us both some good... allow the situation to cool off a little. BOY was I WRONG! The night I got back, he told me to leave. I gathered some cloths and things & left..... shocked and mortified. That was 11 days ago.<P>I realize that I was becoming attached to my friend.... depending on him for some of my emotional needs... (conversation, affection, admiration). But help me.... is this friendship or an "Emotional Affair"????<P>I love my H dearly, and I want to make things work.... I am hoping it is not too late to rebuild our marriage. <P>I have an appointment to set up counseling for myself on Thursday. When I had suggested counseling before (2 mos. ago) H said "no". <P>I am trying to find the tools and knowledge to make our marriage work, and that is how I ended up here.... I would value any insites, information, advice, etc. anyone has to offer.<P>Sorry this post was so long.<BR>Looking for some answers....<BR>Dawn

<BR>Well, IMHO it was an emotional affair. But you did give him up willingly, so that's in your favor.<P>I"m sorry your H went off the deep end. Perhaps if you suggest counseling TOGETHER he'd be willing. Then he could hear what you've got to say and let it sink in.<P>I guess all you can do is reassure him over and over (whenever you get to talk to him) that you love HIM and want to work on the marriage.<P>Remind him over and over that you are NOT in contact with your friend.<P>Probably over time he will realize that you're telling the truth and be willing to work on restoration.

Dawn:<P>I'd call the relationship that you had with your friend the beginnings of an affair. So I can understand your husband being upset. And the incidents that you point to are almost funny in how they were mishandled, miscommunicated, and misread (I'm assuming that you're telling the truth here).<P>What is an affair? It's what your husband thinks it is. (credit to Steve H.) This relationship with your friend is costing you your marriage. It's good that you've agreed to end it.<P>What you need to do now is to take serious precautions not to have it start up again. You need to discuss this with your husband, and you both need to agree on a plan (using the Policy of Joint Agreement). There are a lot of terrific tools here at MarriageBuilders: I can recommend the entire collection of Dr. Harleys work---I'd suggest that you start with Surviving an Affair and Give and Take, and then work through lovebusters and His Needs/Her Needs. It's great that you're going to do counseling: your husband will hopefully join you. Perhaps he'll read the books. Maybe he won't do anything. Whatever the case, you need to start learning good maritial behaviors, and practice these every day. As you get better and more consistant, those walls will start to break down. Continue consistancy in eliminating "lovebusters", don't defend your friendship to your husband (apologize), and I bet that he'll soften and ask you back home. You'll both have plenty of work to do, but you can make it work.<P>Good luck.

Maya & K....<P>Thank You!<P>I have come to realize that it was indead and "emotional affair".... (this was a repost). <P>H & I spent 2 nights last week talking, and I did apologize.. We talked for a total of about 10 1/2 hrs. w/o a fight!!!! (A record in the last 14mos.) (still only been seperated 11 days).<P>I even sent him flowers at work last week with a card that said only "I Love You". We talked that night. We have come a long way, and he has agreed to go to counseling with me. YEA!! (even though his words earlier last week were to the effect " you only want to do that so you will feel better about dumping me..... like my first W".<P>This site has been a great help to me... along w/ the books (HNHN & Give & Take).... I will bye the others this week ... the bookstore was all out of them this weekend.<P>H said Sunday night he went to the bookstore .... looking for some books. Told him about this site... don't know if he has been here or not yet. <P>I printed out the emotional needs... gave him copy, and he said he has filled it out. We are going to get together this week to trade, read & discuss. <P>Thank you & God Bless<BR>Dawn

Dawn,<P>Those all look like very productive steps.<P>I encourage you to print out the "lovebusters" questionnaire and go over it with your husband. To effectively use these questionnaires, you should find some time to go over them together. Take turns, starting with item one. While your husband shares his perception of "Angry Outbursts" (or "Affection") with you, you should listen but make no comments, unless you need clarification. You don't want to defend your behavior. This is very valuable information that your husband is sharing with you---it's HIS view on the marriage and your behaviors, and that's what counts (of course, that works in both directions). <P>It's recommended that you both work on the Lovebusters first: you can't build the marriage through meeting each other's needs without FIRST eliminating those "bad" behaviors.<P>Encourage him to come to this site: there are plenty of people here willing to help coach.

<BR>Great News, Dawn! I'm soooo glad you and your H are talking. I just knew he'd cool down and realize that you're in love WITH HIM!!!<P>Keep on talking and reassuring him. You're doing great!!!

K:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What is an affair? It's what your husband thinks it is. (credit to Steve H.)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>That is probably the most accurate and truthful definition of 'affair' that I've heard.<P>It would seem that the spouse's 'perception' is the defining principle here. If a spouse perceives something as harmful to the marriage, then it is harmful to the marriage. And the flip side would be, if a spouse perceives something as beneficial to the marriage, then it is beneficial to the marriage.<P>Think the good doctors would concur with this? <p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited April 28, 1999).]

<BR>Dr. Maya concurs.

Dawn:<BR>Although I never slept with my OM we did kiss on more than one occassion. It wasn't a one time deal, BF was right about that. I am trying to work things out with him.<P>Please keep me posted on your progress.

Hi Everyone!<BR>Thanks for all the replys...... keep them coming! <P>Good News.... HE call ME! and asked me out to dinner & to talk some more!! (had plans for Sunday night, but he cancled because he was tired & stressed, and felt it would not be a productive discussion). <P> I am so excited!! I told him Sunday I would give him time, and to call me. (2 days ago) But I kept sending e-mail "I love you"'s. <P>Keep your fingers crossed for me tonight.... now..... what to wear???? LOL<P>Dawn D<BR>It's nice to smile instead of cry. >80)<p>[This message has been edited by Dawn D (edited April 28, 1999).]

<BR>Okay, Dawn, wear that cute little red number. How about the black one with the plunging neckline?<P>LOL<P>You go girl! We're all on your side, don't ya know? Keep us posted!

Just moving this up.... I think/hope/pray that my husband will be visiting here today.<BR>D

Hi again all.... Just moving this up, trying to get my H to read & post here. Want him to find everything easier.<P>Dawn D