You hit it on the head. She sent me an e-mail yesterday saying in short that she's "looking for a partner" while I'm "looking for healing". She supports that but doesn't want either of us to get in the other's way. Not an ultimatum, she says, but a statement of clarity.

i don't know how to feel about that.

Have you talked to her about any of this? You say you created a distance between you two. Perhaps it's time to come together and talk, lay it out on the table.

What's stopping you from doing that?

Fear, of getting rejected again, I guess. You know last month I went to the wedding of a young lady I met not long after the Dv. I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and expressed that sentiment. Even though she said she was ok with that, she nonetheless ended most communication and promptly got engaged.

She thanked me at her wedding for my honesty and I know I did the right thing. Still felt like a rejection, though. Maybe I'm just sensitive right now...

Hmmmm.... notice how I began my last post with a suggestion and then asked you what might be in the way, and you went STRAIGHT for the what might be in the way, and then relating it to another time when something might have stopped you.

You can be sensitive right now, and still be open. The two are not mutually exclusive. Just a thought.

But doesn't sensitive affect openess? If a person has been burned and their scin is sensitive, won't it affect how open they can be to stimuli. I seems the same here. Little disapointments now feel like great pains. Are you saying that's a choice as well?

It is always a choice. ALWAYS. Is that easy to hear? Probably not. Are you willing to "try it on" anyway? That's (of course) up to you.

I invite you to start slowly coming out of this self-inflicted shell of yours, and reach out. You'll be surprised at how beautiful and hopeful life begins to seem when you change the "glasses" out of which you look at it.

That isn't hard to hear, but hard to see. i didn't choose all of this stff to happen to me (nor did many of the folks here). Sure I must choose the response but when something hurts, you cry out. Is that a choice or a natural reation?

Depends on how you look at it.

The single most scary realization a human being comes to (at different points of one's life) is that we're making it all up anyway. There are values, morals, preferences, etc. that we "own" because we make them ours, not because they're absolute truth. And so, we either align with what works in our life, or what doesn't work.

You are sad, angry, confused. You've reached out to MB. Have you reached out elsewhere? Is any of your behavior working? And whatever is not working, are you willing to try something else? For example, withdrawing from friends or loved ones may have been a habit from the past, but is it working now? And if not, are you willing to do something different?

Doing something different may imply taking different risks, just as you mention, the fear of getting rejected. But if you really think about it, you're rejecting yourself by retreating before anyone has a chance to. So you strategically become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Does it have to be that way? No. Are you willing to have it be different?

Up to you.

I guess I need to write a new script. I did reach out in the last year; it was the only thing that kept me sane. I think all this time alone while working on a solution to my job sitch has started me thinking about my problems too much. I spent a lot of time in therapy and counseling (different venues, different groups) as well as participating in MB discussions. I guess I need to start that personal outreach again.

It’s odd though three months ago, felt much less anger about this than now. I keep fighting the feeling that my xW and the OM ruined my life. I feel defeated, while they get to live the fun life. I feel like I’m the only one paying for their actions, despite the truths I’ve learned here and other places. Maybe it’s just the memory of where we all were last year. I live in Florida so perhaps a trip out of this vacation land would help me clear my head. I need something to jump start this new script writing…

Now THAT'S interesting. I came TO Florida for vacation and you LIVE in Florida. What part? I'm staying with family in Orlando, although an old college buddy is trying to get me to go down to Ft. Lauderdale next week for a workshop.

As Albert Einstein said, the solution to the problem cannot be found in the consciousness of the problem. If you're thinking about problems, solutions won't appear, and vice versa.

Continue reaching out, dleigh. Read the books, talk to the loved ones, reconnect with your lady, take the kids out to the park, go fishing, talk to your spiritual mentor, continue to do the things that empower you and support your growth.

We're all here for you.

I live in Miami. And tonite I have my sons (50/50 custody, so we switch every day alternate weekends--crazy) so I'll enjoy that. I'll call my lady (she wants 2 talk) and see if I can get off of this dime. Further, I've contacted my job and let them know that I'm working through a rough patch and expressed my need for support if I am to return there.

Let me tell you the aformentioned is a huge risk for me right now. That's how vulnerable I feel, but I'm willing to go at it. Things just have to improve...

Orlando's great! Friendly city. Enjoy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

dlc:

Some thoughts about vulnerability that I posted about a billion years ago (or was it only 2?):

"The ego believes that in your resistance lies your strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the only place of true power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength. What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innocence, and power. What it sees as strength is weakness. So the ego exists in a continuous resistance-mode and plays counterfeit roles to cover up your "weakness," which in truth is your power.

Until there is surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. "That's dangerous," says the ego. "You'll get hurt. You'll become vulnerable." What the ego doesn't know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resistance, through becoming "vulnerable," can you discover your true and essential invulnerability."

and:

"Enlightenment through suffering - the way of the cross - means to be forced into the kingdom of heaven kicking and screaming. You finally surrender because you can't stand the pain anymore, but the pain could go on for a long time until this happens. Enlightenment consciously chosen means to relinquish your attachment to past and future and to make the Now the main focus of your life. It means choosing to dwell in the state of presence rather than in time. It means saying yes to what *is*. You then don't need pain anymore. How much more time do you think you will need before you are able to say "I will create no more pain, no more suffering?" How much more pain do you need before you can make that choice?

If you think that you need more time, you will get more time - and more pain. Time and pain are inseparable."

Eckhart Tolle, "The Power of Now"

2long that was 2 deep! Our wes2rn society teaches and preaches the that one must work hard for anything worthwhile. Meanwhile we die from and because of our attachments. I for 1 find it hard 2 let go. It feels like others control my destiny. rather than it being a natural flow from my own centeredness. I resist control, which ironically IS control, which leads me down the path of most pain.

For me non-resistance is easier said than done. Any pointers?

I am suspicious about the motives behind her willingness to be your friend, followed by her statement that she really wants more. I doubt that she ever really would be willing to just be a friend - that is so easy to do, just convince someone that there is no pressure, then up the ante.

It is better for your children not to have you distracted by another relationship. They already lost their mother. If she is typical, as time goes on she will want less to do with them, especially if she has other children. If you get involved in a relationship, as time goes on, your new gf/spouse will gradually discourage your relationship with your children as well. I have seen it happen here over and over as well as in real life. A year after my H left, the kids were visiting him every other weekend. Now, five years later, all but one have been allowed to visit exactly once in the last 8 months. It happens almost every time. I have become absolutely convinced that it would be best for children if it were against the law for either parent to get involved in a new relationship until they graduated from high school - how that could be enforced, I don't know.

Nellie:

That's a concern I've considered. First I have 50% custody of my sons-they live with me every other day-and frankly I'll probally get more as they mature (xW isn't into the 'mommy thing' as she puts it). So anyone getting with me must love my sons as well. this is one reason I'm so careful. My first responsibility beyond myself is to my children, period.

As for the 'bait and switch' routine, I've seen that happen too. Happen to me last Fall. A woman who's looking for a partner is doing just that. If she sees me as one, friend just won't do. If she's looking for a friend fine, but I find that the 'emotional downshifting' doesn't work.

Do I want a partner? Sure. Healthy adult relationships are the cornerstone of a solid personal and social life. I want a partner, then, that will give and receive openly, be committed to the long haul, and love my children as her own. She of course gets the same deal from me. Am I reay for that now? That's what I'm figuring out. Is she, really? Well that's the puzzle of the day. Thanks for your perspective.

I agree with Nellie that one must be careful about such motives. However, if all you're doing is thinking this stuff out in your head and haven't had this discussion with your new lady friend, then you're not being fair, to her, NOR to your own.

I have addressed the aforementioned issues with her. That's one of her big attractions to me. She has a daughter whose father has 100% custody. She wants to change that and have more kids, so a committed dad looks good 2 her.

all of these issues sometimes feels like I'm performing socail brain surgery. I never dated (met xW in high school) and all of these caveats sometimes overwhelm me.

Why does the father have 100% custody of the daughter. I would think that was a red flag to her character right their.

Maybe there is a good explanation, but as a mom I cannot imagine not having at least 50/50 custody of my children.

You said you would call her to reconnect since you've "created this space". Have you done that yet?

I'm unclear as to why you're so hesitant to just CALL HER.... It's like you're committed to being unclear and uncertain, instead of laying it all out on the table, especially since she's been understanding of your space, clear that your children are important to you and has offered you her friendship.

What's the problem?

That flagged me too. However, she had 100% but relinquished custody to xH when her business went belly up last year. She's currently rebuilding financially and seeking to work out visitation, as they are 300 miles apart...