Hey guys!

Been trying to run out to run (literally) for an hour this morning, but wanted to check your responses. After I post I'm outta here for about an hour.

True, yes I am asking myself if I should let him talk to her. Yes, it sounds stupid. But here is the thing. I am a reasonable person. I NEVER cared that my H had female friends. He lunched with them, talked to them, hung out sometimes. Never bothered me. I have 1 guy friend (who I mentioned earlier) that I have done the same with for years. He is like a brother to me. I've gone over and kicked it at his house just us at times. He is also a really good looking black man. He is my friend.

Have I ever talked about inappropriate things with him? Hell yeah! When I met him, he was single and he told me about ALL of his escapades. There was a time (before I was married) when he propositioned me (in a drunken state) and that was it. Nothing ever happened and we laugh about it sometimes. My H knows about that incident.

I would NEVER, and I do mean NEVER give up this friendship with him. Like I said he is like a brother to me. Been a great friend for over 8 years now. My H has been friend with K for 7 years. They met right after we got married.

Because I am reasonable and I have a friend who my H describes to me is like his friendship with K, part of me thinks "what the heck" talk to her. I go to this place of feeling like I don't want to have to keep him from women all the days of our life to make sure he doesn't cheat on me. I don't want that kind of marriage. I want to know that he will be faithful regardless of what any woman does. I'm not stupid. His OW wasn't the first and won't be the last woman to ever come on to my husband. I can't prevent that. ONLY HE CAN. And that is what I hope we've both learned from this.

I feel if my H has learned from his past mistakes of having boundries crossed then he can have female friends again. I just don't know if he is ready to do that yet, and I don't know if doing it with K is a good idea at all. Like I said, I will discuss with our counselor. I just wanted to know what you guys thought.

As far as my internet friend being an EA, not accurate. He doesn't met the definition at all. But I will continue to think about it this weekend.

Yes, I know fasting isn't to get my way Rocked (I wish it was that easy), but I can't help but think my prayer is being hindered in some way. I am trying to find out what it is and hoping that fasting might bring me to a place of better communication with the Lord. Do you have any books you can recommend?

Talk to you guys in a hour!
2

2, How about sitting down with your H and telling him about your "internet" friend? His reaction should be how you should handle all this from here on out.

And if you don't choose to tell him, well then you know the right thing to do, right?

Our marriages shouldn't be tit for tat in the negative sense. I know my boundries and I know "I" am the only thing in this world that I can control. Respect ourselves first and formost...for the "appearance of impropriety" may have just as poor as an outcome.

So True...are you still upset with me or what?? You have every right to your feelings. I hope I didn't make you feel you didn't.

The Bible! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aren't you funny! You said there were tons. Any other suggestions? I know what the bible says. I need a clearer understanding and interputation. I'll check the internet.

Chow for now!
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Holiday,

You know, I was not mad at you. I think I got fired up because as a liberal woman, I am always trying to convince the conservatives that I am still a good person who is a good Christian(even if my views of Christianity, marriage, heck, most things) don't jive with what they "know" to be true. I am sorry that I became so fiesty, but you just hit a raw nerve on one of those days.

And no, Rocked, that is not a pot shot at the church or anyone else, just giving my reasons to why I got upset.

2,

I do not "babysit" my husband and I also do not want to be in a relationship where he or I feel like I am. I do want to set boundries...and talking to a former woman friend that I deemed had "crossed a line" would be one boundry that I would surround with a huge wall. You have said you felt he crossed the line once...it is very hard to go back to not crossing the line...trust me I know about that one.

I have let my H keep his female friends that I know about and feel confident in..and know that those friends hold our marriage in good regard, and would never cross a line, b/c he and I discuss every conversation. If I feel something is inappropriate I tell him....I do not think that is keeping tabs on him, it is just being involved. Also, he would be very sad to give up those friends that he has had for years, but he also knows that if it is better for the marriage to do so, then he should...same with me.

If you want to understand where I am coming from read "Not Just Friends". It is a superb book, and it really does show you that men and women cannot be "just friends". The fact the your H knows about the things you talk about with your male friend, and that your male friend has never crossed the line(since that one time before you were married) shows you what a real friend is...BUT in your H's case...he did keep things secret, and did cross the line(even if it was "only" emotionally)...so that friend has proven herself not to be a good choice.

As for your EA(and yes, I still say that it is AND does fit the definition) I will not try to lecture you on that(in fact, I will not lecture you anymore on any of this). You will have to make that judgement for yourself, and live with whatever you decide.

You asked for advice and I gave it from the info you provided. Just as with your H's friend. It seems to me that you ask us for this advice, but then refuse to let go of your views. That is a good thing, sometimes, as I would be just as stubborn about things I held to be true and just. However, there are also many things that I did hold onto stubbornly before the A about marriage, and now my views have changed. Some of the things that I thought made our marriage one of the better ones, actually caused room for an affair to happen. I have changed those things, and I am very thankful that my H is willing to do the same. But as we have said before we are all different and need to do things in our own ways.

I hope things work out the way you want, and that you do not get hurt again. Take care.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

True, you still sound a little fiesty. You must be a red-head! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Just for the record, I believe you are a kind, sensitive, intelligent, good Mom and wife who has strong convictions and sticks to them. Way to go! A little fiery at times but that's OK. Keep speaking your mind and sharing your wisdom. We all benefit. I'll be the first to admit I am not the possessor of all knowledge and truth when it comes to God or His Church. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I value and respect your, and all, opinions!

Ditto!

I appreciate your advice and would not ask if I didn't want it. I told you I would think long and hard about my internet friend, and I will. I will not call him an EA though, because he isn't.

As far as my H is concerned, I said earlier that I am torn. I'm not asking for your opinion and then not taking it....I'm torn. I was not trying to suggest that you do keep tabs on your husband. I think you said it right when you said that you were involved. That IS the way it should be. If he was willing to keep me "involved" in his friendship with K would you think different? Just curious.

Again, I have not decided about this and could very well after counseling next week tell him "no friendship with K" (that is the way I'm leaning by the way. Wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable.) One of the main reasons I'm leaning this way is because of a point you brought up True that I had thought about earlier and that was that I asked her not to have a friendship with my husband for now and she agreed. I felt she broke her agreement when she called him too. So I was thinking that already.

My final point for the day True is I want you to know that I am NOT a conservation. I am a liberal...bleeding heart sometimes. I know most people don't think this (BUSH'S plan no doubt for votes) but Christains CAN be liberal...and Democrats! (gasp...shock...horror!) I'm living proof of that! But there really is only one view of Christianity...the right one! Don't miss that point!

Anyway, I'll keep you guys posted no doubt. Rocked I did find a very good website on fasting. I still have to finish reading it, but very good points.

Have a blessed weekend guys!
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Question: Do you know how to make a slow horse fast?

Answer: Don't feed him for awhile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />





sorry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BTW - I'm a Conversation Republicate

I get the joke, but what does it have to do with politics?
2

Absolutely nothing

I'm a liberal conservative! Or a conservative liberal. Ha!

I think at my age I've learned that we sometimes reap what we sow. Karma...

We are here to give each other ideas and guidance. Information when requested and a shoulder to cry on.

Thank you all for that.

We all have to do it "our" own way to get through all this.

Hey Guys! Before I sign off for the night I wanted to share a praise report. My husband got a raise! Very cool! Most companies would have fired him...he gets a raise. But I'm not complaining! To me, it shows God's mercy. I hope my h never forgets that.

Of course I would take the OW leaving to his raise, but maybe I'll get both! Still praying it everyday!

Just wanted to share how awesome the God we serve is! Have a great weekend.
2

2,
I have been meaning to sit down and write a CONGRATULATIONS on your H's raise! That is super for your family.
Keep praying for the OW to leave. I will pray for that for you as well...but also pray that you accept God's will...and that may be that the OW stays. That is the toughest thing for me to do..accepting things I don't like(before you get upset... I am NOT saying that this is God's will, just that you pray to accept whatever He decides).
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I was happy for you and your family!

take care

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

True,
While you're at it pray for me too. The unresolved junk I have supressed concerning my W's A came to the surface yesterday. Things aren't good. I don't feel motivated to do "my" part at all. In the past 7 months I have done so much to invest in the recovery of our M only to hear her say lately that there's something holding her back from totally opening up to me in every way. UGH!!! This is what led to the apathy betw us 5 years ago that pathed the way to her A. I'm hurting and empty.

Good morning Rocked, sorry to read your post.
This is what I meant by...we let our guards down. Things become "routine" again and possibly our old patterns begin to appear.

Rocked, try to sit down with your wife (no kids...how about a date?) and have a list (and I know a couple of you here won't like the term "needs") of what each of your needs are and which ones aren't being met.

People are "action","reaction" oriented. Maybe both your old patterns are surfacing and your wife can't get close to you. Remember too...she's telling you how she feels right now. That is a positive sign, try not to take it like the world's going to end tomorrow because of it. She's trying to catch this before she stuffs it down and finds a "special friend" to talk to (if you know what I mean).

(on a lighter note: Congratulations to 2 and her husband and family!)

Rocked,

I am very sorry to hear about your sitch. Of course I will pray for you and for your wife to realize the precious gift that she is not opening herself to receive.

I too have been having a lot of "reality hits" moments lately. I think there is supposed to be a time around 6-8 months that the anger and resentment spew from us BS. I have been repressing mine as much as possible, as that is the way I deal with this most of the time...but I know it is hard to deal with things(especially if your S says something to set you off).

It is a sad fact that we all have to deal with this everyday. I hope that someday it will get much better...but for now, we are here and listening..so don't be afraid to talk to us.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is off topic, and very irrelevant and trivial, but I was also going to ask everyone to pray for me that I can find some inner strength to go on this lifestyle change and exercise program...to be healthy and strong. It focuses on self esteem also, which I need a lot of <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />...so please say a small prayer for me if you can. Thanks

Thanks. I have to run out for a while. I'll try to post when I get back.

True!
You go girl!
I am so proud of you deciding to make a lifestyle change!!
If you need a "buddy", I'm here.

True,
We already know you are a beauty queen on the inside, and that's where it counts the most!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> But we're here to support your decisions. Does "lifestyle change" mean you're going to become a conservative Republican? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />