Hey Guys!

Lots to say with not much time. Was sick with some kind of virus or food poision all day yesterday. Feeling better, but could use a prayer. Feel like I'm always sick suddenly.

Update on my H job. He talked to the REAL OW yesterday about a job transfer to another city. She told him she wasn't interested because she is not interested in working under his direction anymore. So the next job she takes she said will be in a different department or company. Even though the job would have been a different city, she still would have been under his guidance. So that was both negative and positive. It sounds like she doesn't want to be there (which we have suspected for some time), but yet she didn't sound urgent to get out either...frustrating!

Anyway, Rocked. I'm so sorry you feel so bad. Can I please (again) suggest counseling? I do not think you and your wife are able to discuss what needs to be discussed productively because of all the hurt, betrayal, etc. that you feel. I agree with Holiday that it is a good sign that she is opening up to you, but she also needs to be sensitive to your feelings. You guys can't do this alone. I was always afraid for you Rocked that something explosive was going to happen. I don't know if this is it or not, but either way, find someone. I am heading off to our counselor later today to discuss K (the other OW) and some other sensitive issues that I don't feel like I can discuss with my H (now) without a mediator. Please go find one. You will be glad you did.

As far as K goes, I told my husband that I was not comfortable with him ever having a relationship with her again. I told him why and he said fine. But I fear that he is complying to appease me and not because he really understands my reasoning. It is important to me that he understand why I see K as an OW too. This is what I am hoping to accomplish in counseling today...him understanding me.

Anyway, guys. Praying for all of you. True, I too could use prayer on my lifestyle change (LOVE being a democrat...sorry Rocked!). I was doing great there for about 4 weeks, working out 6 days a week. Then I got bronchitis, started up Friday and got stomach something yesterday. Feeling too weak to back to working out today. Frustrating because I was doing so well there for a while. Good luck True and you guys can pray the same prayer for me!

Love ya!
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Sorry, Rocked....I too LOVE being a liberal, and even if I didn't I know my grandfather would roll over in his grave if I supported a republican! He would kick my butt! And since my brother and father belong to the dark side already, I wouldn't want to stir up the dead <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2,
I am glad to hear that you are being strong and sticking to your guns about K. I am glad you can go to your counselor and get the support you need. I think that is super. I sometimes wonder if our MC is too easy on my H(and so does he), but in general she is good.

As for my lifestyle change, I worked out everyday for an hour before I found out about the A...and then we moved, so my club was gone...so now I am trying to learn to do things at home b/c we live in the middle of nowhere and there is nowhere to GO workout! That is why I need real strenghth..I usually have no motivation on my own.

Anyway, Rocked, I hope you are feeling better. I hope that if you need us, you will let us know! That goes for everybody else, too!

Talk to ya'll later!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Sorry to tell you Rocked, I'm a sorta democrat too. Just can't go totally conservative, even at my age, ha!

True, do the best you can with what's available. This isn't a race, it's a "lifestyle" change. Take it slow, but be firm with yourself.

I have been excercising for most of my life. Ran 10k's. Lift weights. Walked 3-4 miles a day etc. But after moving here in 2002 I became depressed and had to forcibly go to the gym. Gained 10lbs in just 6 months. Now it's the battle of removing the 10 plus the 5 I wanted to lose before.

You will get there. Ask your children to try excercising with you. Make it a family game. I also have a great little 1200 calorie day plan which I will email to you if you like. Everything in moderation is key.

2, Sorry to hear you were sick. Sometimes little things pop up in our lives to slow us down and take inventory. You were probably doing too much and wore yourself out (mind and body). Get back on track only when you feel better. Are you also going to ask your MC about IG (internet guy)?

Rocked, keep breathing and like 2 said, perhaps counseling is needed, at least for one of you right now. This could be a turning point.

I will say prayers for all of us. Remember 1 step back 3 steps forward!

holiday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey Everyone,
Thanks for your support. Sorry to hear I'm the only Republican in this group. Hope you still love me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Things haven't changed much betw my W and I. She's tried a couple of small ways to reach out to me but honestly I am not open to her at the moment. It's almost like I am re-living the D-Day experience. Before, I was open and forgiving to her. Now I'm not supressing my hurt and pain. I set up an appt with a MC for myself this next Monday. I like him, but he doesn't take my insurance. Can't really afford full price for very long. We'll see what happens.

Also I feel more lonely than before. One of my friends I used to communicate with is no longer available. I miss 'em. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I appreciate you all tho and your posts.

Rocked,
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely, and that you are not feeling as open to your wife. I think you should look at some other people's posts, they say they go through the same thing around this time. Seriously...you sound a lot like the other people on here!

I am glad that you set up MC. I think a lot of things will come to light in those sessions. I know the cost is amazing..but at least it is a good place to vent and share! I hope he can help you get past these feelings.

As for me, I know you all must do this too(although I am a little weird, so maybe this is just something I do;)), but I will just be sitting here and my H will touch me, or I will go to hold him, or even if he says something, and I just get HIT with the fact that he really did do this. It is sooo painful and I am never expecting it. Last night was awful. My H was telling me that he loved me, and all I could think(after I got a reality hit) was that those words hold no meaning anymore, since he said them to her. I mean his actions show me he loves me, so I am happy...but it is sad that he would so easily give those three precious words away. Am I just being stupid? Should they mean the same thing? I know he didn't mean them with her...which to me makes it worse; that he could casually throw them around without feeling anything.

Well, I hope everyone else is doing well. And Rocked, hang in there..it will get better.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

True,
Yeah, same for me...a lot could be going fine but when a flash of what really did happen betw her and him runs through my mind it stops me in my tracks. I'm hoping the MC will work cuz this can't go on like this forever. As far as other posts and people I'm tired of bringing this up and going through it all again. I can do that with the MC but don't care to do that with other new people. You, Holiday and 2 and a few close guy friends know and that's enough for me. Virtual or long distance friends are nice but part of my loneliness I think stems from having no one here locally to sit down with in person and talk to. (Other than the MC, of course).

Yes, I can CERTAINLY understand the lonlieness factor and having no one locally to talk to. Heck, I suppose I could go vent to the turkeys, or chickens, or deer running by...or maybe talk to the corn growing in the field across the street <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I hear talking to plants is good for you!

I am sorry..I should not kid. That is just how I deal with all of this.

I just found out one of my good friends from school had a H who cheated on her and left her for the OW with a small baby and a toddler! So, I suppose life could be worse. Whenever I think my sitch is so awful...I just look at some of the other stories here and see that it can always be worse!

Also, I did not mean start sharing with others on the MB if you don't want to...I just meant read through the other threads...just so you can see that you are not insane and what you are going through is completely normal!

I really am sooo sorry that you are finding yourself here. It is so sad that you have to go through this, sad that any of us do. I wish someone could explain to me what sort of selfishness can possess another human being so that his or her soulmate/family is nothing more than a fleeting thought(or not even that sometimes!) I don't think I will ever understand that.

I guess I am not much help today. Sorry.

Hang in there!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When I was growing up as a teen "watching the corn grow" had a totally different meaning. Hope you're not into that!! ha. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> At least with anyone other than your H.

Hey Guys! Rocked you have sooooo been on my heart. I hope you hang in there buddy! I am so glad to hear that you are going to a MC. You will NOT regret it (even the money) if this person is good. I will pray that he is able to help you.

Your feelings are normal Rocked...I think just a little delayed. As my MC explained to me when I was suffering that an A causes a person to grieve just as if someone died...because someone did die, the spouse we knew, the marriage we cherished. If we don't go through all the stages in the beginning, they will show up again. It is a natural thing...we have to grieve and that includes, denial, anger, rage, depression, acceptance and 2 others that I can't think of right now. I think you are experiencing some very natural feelings of the grieving process that you just weren't able to let yourself experience before. Don't look at this as a HUGE set back, just a delayed reaction. It is OK to feel this way, but you need some professional help to get you through it. I'm glad you are going and your wife needs counseling too. She has got to understand why she did this. Being sorry isn't good enough, blaming you isn't acceptable at all. She is a Christain woman who has to let God meet and fill her needs. This was not in any way YOUR fault! So make sure she finds professional help or a good Godly mentor who will work with her through this.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. What happened? I hope not a fight or anything. You don't need that right now either!

I'm praying for you buddy. You just hang in there and know that the grief you are about to go through is hard and painful...but necessary. I know I told you guys about the rock bottom day when I assaulted my husband. The RAGE finally was unleashed. As my MC pointed out yesterday, since that day, I hit a major turning point for the better.

Anyway, please keep us posted and know we are here for you. I'm worried about you.
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I too, even after all these months and being the second time...get to this lonely spot. Reading here with you all right now makes me understand what I was going through for the past few weeks.
It's almost dream like. It's almost like I am ready for all this to happen again. My H and I are happier than ever, that's sad, because it scares me soooo much. I know I sound crazy but when we were happy before, I guess he wasn't. So now I am confused about things.
Rocked, it's good you are heading to the MC. I too, like you and True, have no close friends here in ol' Vegas...new friends, but not my old true buddies, nor anyone to just have a "cup of coffee" with. I miss them terribly. Sometimes I am so isolated. I sew all day for my ebay business. I only talk to you all here about this second A. I haven't even talked to my best girlfriend about it.
Life is quiet in our house, as my daughter is almost 16 and has her friends.
Enough pitty party for me. I hope all of you have a great day. The temp is rising here and I can smell summer!

holiday

Holiday,
How long did it take for your bitter feelings toward your H subside after his first A?

Hi Rocked, I don't think I would describe it to be "bitter" feelings. Indifference?...For months. And I still feel that way sometimes. But then I look at him and see today, that he is making such an effort to make up for all my hurt. I just can't explain what I mean here on the post. I just feel it.

I think after the first A and during our recovery, my H never felt my forgiveness. Kept a little wedge there. Like he was waiting for my retailation. I sometimes think his A's were tests to see if I really loved him, sick a thought that might be, but during the time of his Mother's cancer and the death's of his parents and the falling out with his siblings, I don't feel he liked himself, nor felt he was worthy of a "good person" like me, in his life.

Maybe that's how your wife feels inside, like she can never make this up to you and she's giving up here and there. Does this make sense? Keep letting her "feel" your forgiveness if you have.

No, my wife actually said part of what keeps her from opening up to me is the fear that I will hurt her. ??? Me hurt her? Now that's an interesting concept coming from a person who spent 9 months having sx with another man with no care in the world for how it would affect me, her kids, her reputation, extended family, etc.

I'd like to find out what she meant by that but for now I'm the one who is hurting.

Maybe that's the retaliation I'm talking about. I can't quite put my finger on it. My H would sometimes just stare at me, when we were quietly talking. Like taking inventory on all that he did to me. He really didn't open up to me, truly, nor the MC after the first A.

As I have said in the past, he thought all of it to be surreal. He just wanted to "sweep it under the rug". He really didn't deal with it and my hurt and my pain.

This time was an extreme wake up call. At least that's what it feels like. He trying to earn back my "respect" and of course, that's very hard to do.

Sometimes, we women, say things and don't understand how a man might take it. We think on the outside (talking) while you guys work it out on the inside. She's probably starting to really understand your hurt and perhaps, doesn't want to take responsibility for it, if you understand what I mean here.

Owning up to her behavior means she's recognizing she was a "selfish", "self satisfying", "self serving" person for those 9 months and she doesn't wish to see herself as a bad person. Her words might be used for you to take some of her heat. Try to close your ears to the negative. Keep positive with yourself. How is she showing you she cares without her words right now?

Hey Rocked,

Do you think your wife thinks you will have a revenge affair? Or that you already might be? Is that what she is afraid of?

Or could it be like my H...he is very afraid that I am just biding my time and waiting for somebody better to come and rescue me. He is very afraid that I will find somebody else, find out I love that person and realize that he(my H) is not worth the time since he is a jerk who cheated on me. I have told him numerous times that this is NOT the case, but I think that he is still scared. I often wonder if that is b/c he fell so easily for the OW. I don't know.

I know you are not feeling open emptionally to your wife right now, but reassure her that the hurt is here for awhile, but that you want to get over it, and work to make the marriage better.

Hope that helps a bit!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Funny, my MC and I talked about exactly what you said today Holiday. I told her that sometimes when things seem normal and happy, I find myself forcing myself to think differently because everything seemed normal and happy before and sometimes during his A. She reassured me that this is normal and that if I didn't feel this way, she'd be concerned. She said when this hits, remind myself of what is different (positive now) that didn't exsist before, like his Bible Studies and accountablity partners, no more overtime hours. I know exactly how you feel.

Rocked, has your wife asked to see a counselor? Does she want to go with you to the MC next week? In my opinion (opinion only) she needs it more than you. Your response to what has happened to you is normal and to be expected. Her decision of infidelity is not normal (from a Christian stand point...not worldly) and she needs to understand her actions more than you need to understand your response. That is my opinion. I told my H when this all broke that "you are going to figure out why this happened. You are getting a chance to fix yourself. You better seize this opportunity because it won't happen again." He got his butt in counseling.

True, I too have a friend whose husband left her and their 2 children for another woman. I too find myself reminded of how much worse things could be. It is comforting to know that my H saw the light and I thank God for that. But sometimes it is discouraging to see lots of my non-Christian friends, sailing affair free through marriage. My Christian friend got left for a floozy! So sad.

Rocked, please let us know how we can help. I can't begin to tell you how much you are on my mind.

God bless you guys!
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Wow...another late night poster. Well, I guess it is not so late there, but here it is just past midnight...and I am so awake. My H is off picking up a guest speaker for his company party tomorrow and the airport is 2 hours away. He should be home soon, but I am sure you all know the anxiousness that comes from being separated for any amount of time these days.

You know when my moments really come? I don't mean anxious moments..but the ones you were all talking about today? They come when my H is being a really good father or husband. I look at him and cannot believe that he did what he did..that here is the man that I thought I had back in November..but it wasn't the same man. I think if he is such a good father/husband, why did he not think of us back then?

There was one time when we were in the hospital with our middle daughter last month(don't worry, she is ok) and one of those moments came. I was so angry , and I hate to say it...mean. Everything he did or said was like a dagger going through my heart and I shot venom as I spoke to him. In fact, I stopped speaking so that my kids would not hear me talk the way I was. I hate feeling like that.

2,
For me, it is tough seeing anyone, Christian or not, sailing through with an affair free marriage. Especially when I really believed(as did almost all of our friends/family) that my H and I had the perfect marriage. NOBODY ever worried about us...we were the model couple...HA! What I find REALLY tough to see are the little old couples who are holding hands and chatting and looking in love. I always wanted that...now I am afraid that it will never happen. In fact, most of the time I think my H has already ruined my dreams of being that couple who was happily married for so many years...who only had each other all those years...who could never live without one another...those dreams are already shattered to pieces. I know I need to make new ones, and let go of those old ones..but if you haven't noticed, I am stubborn..and I do not like change!

well, I guess I have rambled on long enough. I hope my H gets home soon as I am going crazy now. Luckily I know who he is with and know that he would never in a million years talk to the OW with that man in the car(not that I think he is talking to the OW).

Have a great night and talk to you all tomorrow!

true <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm a late one too tonight. It's only 10:30 here but my bedtime is usually around 9 or so. Still sewing.

As I go through all this, for better, for worse...I am know I am building "my" character as well. I feel I am a better person for all that I have accomplished so far in my marriage and my life. Health, happy children, a roof over our heads, food on our table and the feeling that my H and I will make it, somehow.

And if things should not work out in the long run at least I know "I" tried very hard. I too invision that "old married" couple, holding hands. I think True, if you sat and spoke with that couple they would have some stories of trials and tribulations in their marriage just like the rest of us.

And to see friends, non Christian and otherwise "sail through" unscaved, think again. They might just know how to hide it better than others.

Oops...unscathed...not unscaved...it is late...off to bed!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good morning guys! I hope you are all feeling blessed this morning. It is going to be a beautiful day here and I'm off to shop for a gift for my H and an outfit (or 2) for me!

As I mentioned, my MC said if I didn't question my reality because of what happened something would be wrong with me. Yes, I didn't think my H was cheating on me, but I knew something was wrong. He had changed a lot. But reading this post and thinking about what our counselor said about knowing my reality is what it seems because of the changes he's made me decide that we should all start the morning on a positive note! Let's discuss this morning the truly positive changes our WS has made since D-day. Rocked, I hope this exercise will truly help you to see that even though everything isn't perfect, things have improved for the better. We don't need to list them all (that might take a while for some of us...hopefully)

My H has 1) stop working overtime 99% of the time 2) Joined a men's group at our church that meets every Sat. and one that meets every other Thurs. 3) Doing an individual bible study called Men of the Bible when he takes the train or travels 4) is an open book. Allows me to check his phone and e-mails 5) Volunteered to teach Sunday school at our church during the summer. 6) Much more affectionate with me and the kids. 7) sharing with me his fears and overall his feelings (which counseling has helped him to get in touch with). 8) IS IN COUNSELING! 9)Got rid of the material items that were contributing to his behavior (his pimped out truck and other things) and has earmarked money from his bonus (and now raise) to use for Christ based charities and 10) compliments me often!

All of these are things he did not do during his A. Some he did before, but not during. So here is my list of improvements my husband has made. Maybe tomorrow we can do a list of our own improvements. Think about that today!

We are all blessed...especially to have each other! Check in later today.

Rocked love you and hope you are doing well!
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