2,
I just saw your post...I was typing when you posted it! I am so sorry for you. I will write a bit later about what you wrote, but my DD#1 is bugging me at the moment. so I need to go. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you!

True

2, I don't have much time but wanted to post a quick reply. Your H did not choose to put himself in that position. There will be uncontrollable business situations he will have to participate in b/c it's his job. Cut him some slack. I think you're being too harsh. If he's shown such an improvement as you stated with all the new changes why then do you want to flip out and call it quits at this? This may be hard for you to hear but it sounds likes the problem is more you and not him. I love you, but that's my outsiders opinion. Give him a break and don't turn this molehill into a mountain. And I wouldn't recommend showing up at the office either.

True,
The movie "5 People..." was a tough one for me to watch as it made me want to be like that couple dancing. In intimate love till the very end. I cried, and my W didn't really even know why. I'm a sissy, huh!

Haven't left for the movies yet. Glad I checked in.

2!! I'm with Rocked right now...breathe little girl, breathe!!!
You H told you what was going on. Somethings are just going to be beyond anyone's control.
Let this pass.
OW's motive may have been to give you a reaction, think about it...she's making this one work, on you! She will always be the lesser person.

And Rocked, nooooooooooooooooooooooo, no one's in a nursing home or deceased yet that I know of, ha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> At least I "walked" into Star Wars instead of being pushed by my Mom in a stroller, hee hee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Hey....even I did not get pushed into Star Wars in a stroller. I was at least 5 when that movie came out!

Rocked....THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FELT AS I WATCHED THAT MOVIE!!!!!! I wanted to be them. Heck, I was that man. The only man I have ever wanted was my H..I NEVER wanted anyone else..my life was truly complete. Now look at us. I think that movie is taking a toll on me...I am moving into that depression you were in. I think it also has to do with the fact that I have not seen my H in 2 days b/c of work related stuff. Even at the picnic yesterday...I was watching the kids while he was playing host. Today he is out with the guy who came into talk. They went fishing at 6:00am...now it is 6:00pm...and they are still not home. I got a few text messages from him...not many. he always seemed to find the time to get ahold of the OW. How come he does not make the same time for me??? How come he always gets to have all the fun and I am always the one stuck at home with the kids? How come he got to go live out his dreams and mine were shattered? This sucks!

2,
I agree with Rocked and Holiday. The fact that your H told you is super. There was a time that you told me that I should cut my H some slack when he was just being honest with me. I know you will do the same. As for the OW...I will PRAY that she leaves. It is a horrible sitch. and I feel for you.
There was a party that my H had before he left his last job, and I said, I am sorry honey, if she is there, you will need to leave. Luckily she wasn't. But it comes down to your comfort. If you truly feel uncomfortable, ask him to leave next time. You can't do anything about today...but for the next time have a plan of action.

Anyway, I am going to go and spend some time with my kids. They always have a way of cheering me up and reminding me what I am fighting so hard for.

TTYL!

True

Hey guys. Just wanted to let know that I am not freaking out (not really). I'm just flustered because I wasn't expecting this. For several weeks things had been going smooth, then K shows up, the e-mail to the OW earlier this week about her taking another position and now this! Her showing up at his birthday party. It has all caused ugly emotions I hadn't thought of in awhile to rear it's ugly head.

Here is the thing. My H has insisted that they NEVER talk except via e-mail about work. He said when he has to be on her side of the building, that she will walk out if he walks in. Apparently she told him Monday that she didn't want the job out of state because she did not want to work for him anymore. But then she shows up at his party?! I find it bizarre. Had it been me, I could have found a zillion excuses not to go to the party...plans, need to do an errand, doctor appointment. She did not have to go. Why she did makes me wonder if my H is being honest with me. That is where I am...questioning his truthfulness. Gee I don't know why I'd do that after he lied to me for a year about an A!

I do understand that it is beyond his control what she does. But I also find it fishy that she showed up...I really do find it as a red flag. Perhaps with all the time that has passed, she feels like it is water under the bridge (which it is) and she thinks it is OK to resume a more cordial relationship. That has been my biggest fear that both of them would let down their guard and just go ahead and be friendly since they work together. I do not want that to happen. I feel that they can NEVER be trusted with each other. I also believe if he would be really cold and distant that she would leave already. I'm just upset that with his birthday Sunday (which by the way they spent a romantic dinner together last year. We did nothing under his insistance) that this is all coming up.

I DO intend to go to the job next week. I've been twice since the A and it is time for me to visit again. This occassion makes it urgent. I'll have a BIG report next week after I see her.

I'll keep you posted when he gets home and we talk about it.

Rocked you forgot the most important part...that you'd also be a Democrat!

Bye guys!
2

True, "How come he always gets to have all the fun and I am always the one stuck at home with the kids? How come he got to go live out his dreams and mine were shattered? This sucks!"...I felt this way, when my children were very young, until I met this women who's children had all grown up and moved on with their own lives. She told me to use my precious time wisely with my children, that the Mother's of today will be shaping the people of tomorrow. She felt too many women want it all and lose sight of the life they've brought into this world...
We are not having "all the fun", just the most important fun, watching our children grow up, and believe me it happens all too fast. And it may "appear" your H is having fun, because of his job responsiblities. My H's has always worked very hard so I am able to be here with our daughter and our son when he was still living with us.

2, I think the OW was doing this. No matter how she "appears", she probably is still infatuated with your H and again, she was "dumped" by him. So what she says and what she does probably won't be the same thing. She sounds like she doesn't like "to loose" and she lost. If she's already in another A or poor relationship, she flounders constantly. Instead of working on her own relationships, she's like a sucker fish, sucking the life out of someone else's.

Saw the new Star Wars, very good and very good effects. This episode made me cry. Some of the wise quotes from Yoda hit home, as well as watching someone being taken in by the "Dark Side" (don't want to give too much away if you plan to see it).
Until tomorrow...peace.

Like I said before, I find the whole thing very odd. I am very much bothered that he did not call me to tell me this, but waited till I called him when lunch was over. Our MC had said that it is important we show a united front. Wouldn't it have been appropriate if he would have called me in front of HER and everyone just to tell me what his staff had done? She would have seen him call me and it would have reiterated to her that we are together. But he missed a PERFECT opportunity to politely show a united front and he blew it! I'm tired of him being so flippant about her.

Anyway, it is late and I just got back. I think he is waiting for me to talk. I'll let you guys know in the morning how it went.

Good night
2

2, sometimes things are happening around us so fast we don't have time to think and respond appropriately. He was probably in a quandry on what to do when it all came down upon him. Since you called him first, he didn't have the chance to call you, so now you are left open to thinking all these negative thoughts.
It probably weighed heavy on his heart as he ate lunch and was suppose to be having a good time with his co workers and wasn't.
Hope you had a good talk.

It was just a talk. I told him that I was very disappointed that he did not call me to tell me what had happened. I reminded him how often last year he would come up with stories like these (didn't know till he got there, just found out, junk like that) to keep me away from functions I may have wanted to go to. I told him that I had no choice but to believe his story, just like all the crap stories he fed me last year, but I wanted him to know that I was disappointed in the way he handled it and very sceptical of his story (which I am by the way).

I felt like he was once again coming up with excuses to explain something instead of just saying "I should have called. I blew it". Instead it was "Reception was bad in there for my phone, it would have been obvious to everyone my motive if I would have left to call you, it was already uncomfortable enough, calling you would have made it worse, etc." So once again I feel like her feelings are being spared in place of mine. I'm really bothered by this.

He went off to his prayer meeting this morning and I have some errands to run before our evening out with friends for his birthday. I'm just bothered because last year she ruined his birthday (well her being around) and I feel like this year she is once again going to ruin his birthday after I was really looking forward to celebrating with him (just like last year, I was so excited about his 30th birthday and we did nothing.) Her continued presence is really getting to me and this was just the icing on the cake. I feel like if something doesn't change soon, more things like this will continue to happen on a more request basis causing major set backs. It is so frustrating and I have found myself in this position of being totatlly uncomfortable with his job because he was STUPID enough to sleep with one of his staff. His stupidity now continues to cause me much anxiety and I'm really pissed off about it.

Anyway, he leaves Monday til Thursday night. The break might do us good.
2

2, this statement he made "it would have been obvious to everyone my motive if I would have left to call you, it was already uncomfortable enough, calling you would have made it worse, etc"...he's still a man (stupid at times), but just the same, men have a hard time showing "other men", whom may look up to him in the workplace, that "his wife" might be running the show (even if she needs to). I'm not trying to justify anything he did, only giving you another point of view, possibly in a man's shoes.
I've worked with many a man (ego's and all). I'm sure the lunch was "uncomfortable" for all who were there when "she" walked in.
Breathe, but don't let your guard go down. You have every right to tell him how this hurt you and he should see it your way too.

2,

I agree with Holiday that he porbably just did not think about it..and that you do have the right to share how it feels for you.
I also think that you are right in saying that he should just say, "Yes, you are right...I should have called immediately." It should not matter how it looks to anyone else, or how foolish he feels.
Did you have a plan in place in the event that this ever happened? My H and I had one for the couple of weeks that he was at his old job. I told him that he should view this woman as a potentially fatal disease..and that he should avoid her like the plague. However, if she did approach him, or if he even saw her, he was to call me IMMEDIATELY! It is not that hard to find a cell phone signal and that would show me he was thinking more of me than her, and that he was finally being honest with me about her.
Like, Holiday said, breathe...take it easy, but keep your guard up...and plan for the future. He SHOULD see this from your point of view. And he should try to think of you first...especially before his pride!

Let us know how it goes.

True

Hey Guys,

We had a good time at the show. Having a couple of glasses of wine helped. I told him that she ruined last years birthday so we were going to enjoy ourselves if it killed us. We had fun.

He leaves tomorrow thru Thursday. I will call the office to make sure she is there. I thought I was past this, but this new incident has made me suspecious all over again.

I also wanted to ask you to pray for me because I am going to start a 3 day fast tomorrow. I thought I'd do better with him out of town. I will do an all liquid fast. After much prayer and feeling like God was calling me to a higher level of pray, I feel led to do this. I am scared, but hoping to find peace and God speaking to me (specifically about her) during these 3 days. I am only telling you guys because I know I will need prayer and someone to tell how HARD it is. I hope you don't mind if I share with you my progress for the next 3 days with regard to my fast.

Anyway, before he leaves tonight I do want to share with him my feelings again about her showing up at the party. I don't want him to leave without understanding how hard this continues to be on me. He needs to know that. I also hope to develop a game plan in case anything like this happens again.

Anyway, today is his real birthday and we are about to head out for dinner. Check in with you guys tomorrow.

Rocked Monday is your counceling correct? Please let us know what happens.
2

Hey Guys! Can't believe I'm the first one here today! Anyway, we had a fight last night, which sucks because he leaves today for 4 days. It started because I was reading another post on here yesterday about a guy who found out his married co-worker is having an A with another co-worker. He wanted to know what to do. So I asked my H (since he was there) what did he think this guy should have done? Looking back on it, what may have snapped you out of it? He told me he didn't know...never thought about it and thanks for such lively conversation on his birthday.

So that made me kinda made. His birthday is supposed to be a big deal after he completely sabatoged his birthday last year?! Anyway, he goes on about "I could tell something was bothering you and I don't know why this is setting you back. It is over." So then I went into a 5 minute rant about it NOT being over. That because he was stupid enough to sleep with one his employees, she remains there and can just show up to things like his birthday if she wants. I told him again about my fear that he is letting his guard down thinking that he couldn't possibly fall again and I asked him what strategies he had in case she shows up unexpectedly at his office or wants to meet with him "about work"? He didn't have any.

So then he starts telling me that I need to quit thinking about it so much. That maybe God is keeping her there so that I can learn to accept the situation. Well that made me madder because I HAVE accepted it (I don't like it...Paul didn't like the thorn in his flesh, but accepted it) I mean he does go to work everyday where she is right? I hadn't brought it up in well over a month until this incident.

So anyway we went round and round about him needing to be more prepared and stop being so flippant. That is how Satan gets you, when you AREN'T prepared. And he kept telling me that I need to quit thinking about it all the time and focus on repairing our marriage. It ended with me telling him truthfully, that until she leaves I don't consider this ordeal over. I told him, that the consquence for him being stupid enough to sleep with his employee without thinking about the fact that this could happen and she could remain working for him for years, is his fault, the consquence and I will remain uncomfortable and continue to "check up on him" till she is gone...TOO BAD!

So anyway, that was the last thing said. This morning he kissed me before he left and I was still asleep, but it woke me. So I asked him to pray real quick with me which we did for traveling graces, etc. and that was it.

I'm not really angry...just irritated. He acts like because I've forgiven him, I can never discuss it. He thinks I'm ridiculous (I really think he thinks that!) because I don't trust him around her and don't completely buy his story about his birthday party. I'm just annoyed at his attitude.

Anyway, I could go on for another 10 paragraphs about what was said and how I'm feeling, but this is the just.

Do you guys think I'm wrong for calling her to make sure she is at work while he is gone for the next 4 days? He tells me I need to trust God and not do that. I said it has nothing to do with God...it is YOU I don't trust! I can call without her knowing it is me...blocking my number. I don't see the harm in checking on him. I really wouldn't not have felt this way if she hadn't gone Friday to his party. But, like I told him, maybe she broke up with her nasty boyfriend and could be trying to reappear in your life. KEEP YOUR GUARD UP!

Give me your thoughts.
2

2,
Honestly, I remain confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Granted I have my own problems not dwelling on the past, but IMHO you are standing on the air tube of your marriage moving forward. I'm afraid if your H doesn't experience some grace and appropriately-progressive-trust from you you won't have to worry about him letting his guard down...he's gonna flat out just walk.

I will pray that in your "fast" you will have ears to hear and an open heart to the leading of God in this issue.

2...I think I almost had this same dicussion at breakfast with my H yesterday.

Do you remember me telling you guys about the new FF (fire fighter) female at his station? she started around March. She's very nice...but the guys tease each other if one of them is "nice" to her (tough to be in an all male station...heavy rescue and be a woman). Anyway, my H was friends with her and her H previous to her transfer (he once was at the gym teaching them racquetball a few years ago).

A couple little things had popped up over the last few weeks that kinda bothered me. It could be all in my head and I need to move on, but with the track record...I know I have the right to any questions I have. He'd been working alot of OT so I haven't been able to talk to him in a few days.

So at breakfast he asked me what was on my mind (I guess I have this "face" as he calls it). So I told him the specifics that were bothering me. He smiled and said I don't have anything to worry about, he just doesn't want to treat the FF like **it, like some of the guys do and in doing so makes him "her friend" as well as a couple of the other guys who get teased also. I wanted to know what his "game plan" was should he feel he's attracted to someone in the future. That after all this we needed to talk to each other should one feel something's not right and be honest and open no matter the consequences. He agreed.

I think my H too, was thinking, we went on a lovely bike ride, wonderful breakfast outside in a beautiful courtyard...and bam, we're talking about "his" poor past behavior once again.

2, it will always be soooo fresh to us. Like I have said before, no one likes to be reminded of their guilt and poor choices. I don't think you and I, nor any of us for that matter need to be told we need to "move on", but on their behalf, if we worry, or question and show no trust, we will never be able to be "whole" again. Perhaps that is what your OW is doing by making these little apperances, etc, causing kaos in your marriage. Maybe the timing just wasn't right when you talked to your H that night.

I would not call to see if she's at work. You need to start your trust with your H asap. There comes a point when we need to hold it back inside of us and let them grow again to being responsible and trusting without us babysitting them.

I will say a prayer for you today. I hope your next phone conversation with your H will make your heart feel stronger for him.

He's been given lots of grace! I'm not sure what you are talking about. Am I just supposed to sit back and accept everything I am not happy with because he needs grace? I don't think so.

He needs to be prepared for any and every situation that could come up with her and he refuses to think about it because he's past it. I allow him to continue to work with her everyday, so there is obviously trust there. But there needs to be rules regarding this and one of them is for 1) him to be prepared 2) him to call me immediately. Instead he once again relied on his own strength (which has been proven weak) and did not implement his safeguards. He was WRONG and I don't think I have to sit back and take it. Again, he's welcome to walk if the pressure is too much...really. I will not die if he goes. I will not compromise myself out of fear he'll leave...bologna!

As far as our fight goes, like I said, I'm not happy that she is there and it IS his fault. Whether he wants to admit it or not. I'm uncomfortable, unhappy about it because he created this situation that we feel unable to get out of. Him leaving doesn't make sense and we can't force her to go. So there it is. I don't like it and don't have to pretend I do.

So far, my fast is going great...a whopping 3 hours!

check back later!
2

2...

No, I don't mean "accept everything"...just sit back, a bit.

Keep up the fast girl!! You can do it!!

Hey Holiday. I was thinking in the shower that you have mentioned/implied several times about me or us needing to do something or behave a certain way or our spouses might leave. I can't tell you how much I disagree with you. When I was treating my husband the best way I knew how (like you were and we all were it seems) they strayed anyway. I couldn't keep him from cheating on me and I can't keep him here.

His commitment to this marriage is to God and for our family. He isn't supposed to be here as long as he is happy. He is supposed to be here through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health (well, that is what my vows said anyway). If he leaves or strays again, it isn't because of something I did right or wrong. You said yourself that when your husband strayed the second time, you guys were "too" happy! That doesn't sound to me like there was anything you could have done differently.

My H as is the case will all our spouses are supposed to be in this marriage because they committed to be to us and to God...plain and simple.

Again, if he is unhappy with my reaction to his A and this incident imparticular, and he is willing to leave his family and God's good graces, then he is a shallow, shell of a man and I don't want him anyway!

Thanks for your prayers with the fast. Trying to keep myself busy today to keep my mind off of it. Running out for a little while.
2

2,

I am sorry for this pain you have to go through, and all I really want to say about all this is that I TOTALLY agree with your assessment of the sitch.

Also, you do have the right to call his office...and if it were me, I would do the same thing. He has to earn your trust back; it is not something you can just give. From his forgetfullness last week at the b-day dinner, I would say that he has not earned it back completely yet.

My H asked me today what I would have done if he had not gotten this job that took him so far away from the OW. I said, H, I think that if you had not gotten the job, then the A would have never ended and you would be with her right now and not me. His OW broke it off b/c he could not be with her the way she wanted to be with him...but that is b/c he knew he would be moving. However, if I were in your sitch. I do not think I would make it. I think it is very easy for all of us to tell you how to act, but I know that if we were in the same sicth...where the WS saw the OP everday...then we would be acting in the same manner...or at least for me, worse.

Anyway, keep strong. My prayers are with you.

True