2,
Disagree with me all you want but what I see in you lately is far worse than what I see in your H. I'm talking about the "present" not the past. Simply because he doesn't pick up the phone in the middle of a company party for him, and another guy, "immediately" upon the OW walking in the door and you want to play judge and pronounce him weak and not committed to his renewed vows?? C'mon. What's clear is that you are full of anger, resentment, unforgiveness, and are unwilling to lay down your "rocks". Go ahead and cast the stone if you can honestly say you are mistake free in every way in the eyes of God. Can you? If not, admit you are a sinner too loved unconditionally by God and expected to love others in that same way. And that includes your H who loves you dearly. BTW, you have no scriptural basis for divorce as your H has repented of his sin and is committed to the healing of your marriage. You can hang your hat on other interpretations for your selfish purposes but that's the bottom-line meaning from a God who the Bible says ha tes divorce."

I'm not a Counselor and honestly I have tired of dealing with cyclical issues on this MB post. It's taking all of me to forgive my W, love her unconditionally, and believe God can and is healing our marriage. I want to believe and soar and I'm not sure this skyline is the place for me anymore.

I love you all and appreciate the part each of you have played in my deep time of need. Thank you. However I feel it's time for me to say goodbye and focus all of my energy on my wife. May the LORD bless you all and your marriages. In Christian love!

Rocked,

I guess if you are leaving you might not read this...but I have to say what an awful way to leave the people that have tried to help you. Leave with a jab at 2 and the rest of us?

Are you so above these "cyclical issues"? I don't think so. I have seen you at highs and lows, going back to one thing or another. That is part of recovery, and I am sad that you think that it is not. From everything I have read, we will continue to have these times for over a year. I hope that you do not think that just b/c now you want to focus on your wife 100% that those times will go away. Forgiveness and healing does not always mean forgetting and feeling happy all the time.

I am glad that you want to focus on your wife, for that is where your heart should be. But, if it is your time to move on...then just do it. Do not get on your high horse and pretend that you are above us in some way, because you are not. Yes, there is some venom in my words...I do not like to have backhanded compliments and that is what you have done.

However, I do wish you luck on your marriage and all other aspects of your life. Good luck and I hope God can heal your heart.


True

Hey Rocked. I too left for a time when I felt this board wasn't helping. But I found my way back...curious how all of you were doing. I hope you will at least check in to let us know how counseling is going.

Unfortunately, I think you read into my post WAY too much. I never mentioned divorce and I never said he was weak because he didn't call me immediately. I said he was not living up to his end of the deal. He HAD proven himself weak with her and I feel he still owes it to me and himself to abide by our agreement of accountability concerning her. My anger flared up over this, but honestly Rocked, I think you are way more full of anger and resentment than I am.

My H and are are dealing with our issues through counseling. This was a set back...we've all had them. I, unlike any of you, remain in an awkward position because they continue to work together. Fortunately for all of you you haven't had to contimplate what your spouse should do if the OW/OM continues to be around them. I do. Cut me some slack for a brief setback that is totally justified...will ya?!

True, thank you for your prayers. My H ended the A and she verified that in my conversation with her. That is the only thing sometimes that makes me think he is behaving. But I do have all the other evidence. That helps.

Appreciate your prayers. Good luck Rocked.
2

OK, I'm back. I'm a big enough man to know when I've done wrong and to admit it. So, to all of my friends here I AM TRULY SORRY. True, you are right about the up and down process we go thru and I certainly have not been free from that. I should have been more "senestive". And please understand it was not my intent to backhand or jab anyone on the way out. Heck, we've all been kicked in the shins enough, huh. And True, I don't think I am above anyone else. I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. I am an extremely imperfect man, humbly trying to do what is right (but messing up more than I would like) committed to focusing forward in my marriage. The "Feeler" in me got out of hand...but thank the Lord you "Thinkers" balance things out.

2, You've been a true friend. Please forgive me if I came across insensitive. Because I love you I encourage you keep working at making things right with your H and forgiving as Christ forgave you.

Yes, I agree that the boards tend to make you more depressed sometimes...and if you noticed I did not come on here for awhile myself. I think we all need our time outs. For some of us that may mean forever, others just for a time.

I hope that you will remember the ups and downs we have all shared and do come back to let us know how you are feeling. We may have moved on as well...who knows?

I am sorry I was so vicious in my words, and yes, you know that I do like to think a lot...but that was my "feeler" coming out. I have not had the best day here, and I guess, you guys can catch me at some of my worst times. I have been told I need to be softer in my approach by many, but when I am hurting...it just all comes out without me thinking about anything.

Anyway, Good luck.


True

I had a good counseling session with this new guy I saw today. I guess I was convicted and influenced by some of the things he said to me.

Group hug??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Does this mean our Vegas pool party is off? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am glad that you did well in counseling. I am sure it will help you. However, be warned..it can also stir very strong emotions up. One of my worst times was back in March when we went into how much my H loved me and felt I was a worthy person. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> That to me made his A a lot worse. Of course that was also at a time when I thought he might be in contact with her, he found out about my "friend", and I found out that one of my other friends was having an affair. SO, maybe it wasn't the counseling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

See...ups and downs! Heck, in any given day I have about 12 ups and 15 downs.

Thanks for letting us know about your counseling.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Was he in contact with her? Did you cut off contact with your friend? If so, do you ever regret it? Was your other friend who was having an A still in it?

Hope this doesn't sound too nosy!

Wow...I leave for lunch and look what happens.

Rocked, I hope you aren't leaving. I too from time to time think being here brings up poor reactions in me here and in my marriage. Brings up those hurtful feelings. But, I post on hoping that this will help me work through all this.

All of you please know that no one should ever, and I mean ever, take my advice. What I do works for me and only for me. I do not mean to sound like I'm preaching or appear to be "a know it all" as I am far from it (been through this twice and I think it keeps you guys wondering why).

2, I think what Rocked and I were trying to say is that:

1. You have every right to your feelings.
2. Your H has every right to hearing your feelings.
3. You feel are doing the best you can in your sitch.
4. Your approach may be a bit harsh at times (deserving, yes).
5. If you continue to show "no" signs of trust your H may give up. If you continue with an attitude "he can leave", why not just let him go? Why put anymore effort into your M if you wish in the long run he isn't necessary in your life any longer for being such a jerk?
6. I am not worried that my H may leave, I don't think I have implied that. When I say "our" attitudes as BS's must change, I mean, how long must we live as a couple in punishment? For each of us, as long as it takes of course, but sometimes I think it best to be more positive. This just shows us it is truly beyond our control, so if we can't give up some control, we would best be on our own. I choose to stay married to my H.
7. Your H repented his sins and appears to be the hardest working WS on our posts by what you have stated.
8. We, like you, don't deal with the OW/OM like you do on a daily basis, therefore our pain may be subsiding and not continually in our face like yours. This prompts me to think your H job is not worth it's weight in gold and if she won't move, you should both discuss another job for him.

2, I really think you have made an inner decision here. I'm not sure what it will take for you to look at your H as your love of your life. He failed you and that's a big thing for you to move on from (granted you have every right to these feelings). I really feel for you here. Please don't take my words as a "jab". I don't think Rocked meant that either.

My love to you all,
holiday

Pool party on!!

Hey..

First, Rocked, your questions.
1. No, my H was not in contact with her. It was a huge misunderstanding, which brought me back to d-day all over again.
2. The above happened on the day that I ended contact with my friend...so I was already feeling some hurt. There are some times that I regret that my friendship ended, just as I am sure my H regrets sometimes that he ruined a frienship with his OW and had to stop talking to her.
3. My other friend, no, the affair was shortlived.

2,
I was also going to tell you, since we have brought up trust a lot lately on this board, that I think the fact that you have let your H keep his current job is a HUGE effort in the trust department. I cannot even imagine that. I was going crazy when my H was still working with the OW for those two weeks...b/c I knew she would contact him again(and she did). Just as you know that the OW still has contact with your H(even if it is just business). I hated knowing that he saw her everyday and could think of the times that they spent together. That just about killed me. So, I commend you for dealing with that.

Holiay,
I hope you are well. I hope you do not think I said you were jabbing 2. I was not.

As for me..I broke down today and felt my heart break all over when I remembered that, yes, my H was actually with another woman. The physical part as never been a big issue for me...but today(and actually the past couple of days) it was....BIG TIME. Why do we go through these phases? I hate them.

Well, I guess I better go get dinner ready. I will check in later.

Yes, lets do the Vegas Pool Party this fall...give me some time to lose some of this emotional eating fat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I leave for a dip in the pool and look what happens?! Rocked, I love you too and forgive you completely. I had a feeling from your post you were having a bad day or something. It didn't even sound like you. I am so thrilled counseling went well for you. I don't know what I would have done without it. I will continue to pray for you that this will bring the grieving process forward and you can work through this. I agree with True that it may get worse before it gets better. That happened to me as well.

My H job has been a blessing in many ways. Her working there remains a thorn in my flesh probably designed by God to teach me patience, which I am not a very patient person. We have discussed him leaving many times, but both of us do not feel led by the Lord to do so and if we do something against the Lord's will, things could be worse. I just want her to leave and I am fearful that she may try to become more friendly as time goes on. I wish he could (without getting into trouble with HR at his job) tell her he didn't appreciate her coming and to stay away in the future...but he can't discriminate from her and have all his staff there but her. She had a decision to make, she decided to go and I think, like True said, that is showed very poor taste to go. It made it uncomfortable for him and was disrespectful to me.

Anyway, I could use your prayers for her to leave and me to not let this set back do serious damage to our growth from this. It stirred up a lot of bad feelings for me and I just needed to vent.

Rocked, you rock and if you will share any details about your counseling, I'd love to hear it.

Holiday thanks for your advice.
2

Thanks True for noticing the TREMENDOUS amount of trust I have in him to allow them to work together. I told him the same thing when he was saying that I didn't trust him to do the right thing with this situation friday. Of course I trust you...you work with her EVERYDAY.

Because he moved his office to another building, I don't think they see or even speak to each other every day. He says on average once a week. I know he no longer deals with the day to day operations so she has less reason to contact him than before...even about business. But yes, it is very difficult for me at times...like this party.

God has continued to bless us with his job. As I mentioned his raise and we will be able to tithe more and contribute to some other charitable causes. I do not think it is God's plan for my H to leave. That was a big conclusion I had to come to in prayer. For a long while I wasn't sure...but now I am.

His last conversation with her she mentioned she didn't want to work for him anymore, (again if I believe his version and I really have not choice but to), so he is confident that she is on her way out...just not right NOW.

At times it is very hard True. At other times it doesn't bother me at all. When we saw her in Feb. at a function, he was with me and she was with some nasty looking guy who I heard treats her like crap. It kind of makes me feel good (like when I go next week and I will see her) to flaunt it in her face that her plan to steal my H didn't work and in the end she is being treated the way she deserves, while I on the other hand am back again to being the princess! (OK I'm putting a lot on it)

Anyway, thank you guys for allowing me a venue to share my feelings and vent. This issue will not go away for me till she leaves and I hope I won't have anymore stories like this Friday to share with you.

OK, it is now 4pm and the first real urge to eat has hit. I can make it through today...I'm sure, but tomorrow is going to be soooo hard!
2

Hey guys!

2,
How is your fast going? I am starving, and I am not even fasting...Keep it up...you can do it.
Holiday,
How is selling on ebay? I just bought a cool hammock swing on there for someting like $1.25. I love e-bay!
Rocked,
Are you here today? If you are give us a shout...or if you are just taking that timeout...then see you some other time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

As for me, well, today is my H's b-day. I have decided to not bring the A up if I can help it. I do not think his birthday should be ruined like mine was. I was very depressed on mine. I have been having a hard time lately, and he is getting upset that I don't tell him these things anymore...but I think...what's the point? He knows why I am sad and there is nothing he can do, except going back in time, to take it away. I have really been struggling with images that I never had before.

I am also going to ask him not to read here today...so that I can express any sadness that I am feeling or anger to you guys instead of to him. I know that I am supposed to share...and I will...tomorrow...but not today.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh...also...something 2 said yesterday made me think. She said something about telling her H that she forgives him. Am I the only one who has not said this? I have forgiven a lot of the A...and what is was all about, but I am having a very hard time forgiving the feelings that he had for this girl. I don't know if I can ever forgive that. He wants me to say I forgive you, and I want to, but I do not forgive that part yet...so I haven't.

Anyway, I was just curious.

True

Hi True, I'm sorry you are having a bad day. My H birthday was Sunday as you know and I ruined it by bringing it up. It was not my intentions really, but at the same time it doesn't go away because it's your birthday...it is reality everyday! But if you can hold your tongue today that would be great. I think the reason he was so upset that I brought it up, is that we really don't discuss it anymore except to say that it happened. We will discuss our feelings more in counseling, but on a day to day basis, it hasn't been the main topic of conversation for quite some time.

True, the best advice I was given is forgiveness is a process. And it truly is. I was able to forgive the sex and some other things early on...I too struggled for a while with his feelings for her. I finally got over that too...it is what it is.

You are doing just fine. We are not supposed to rush this process. Take our time to grieve, to forgive, to re-group. I was on a 6 week running streak when this issue with her at his party, set me back. It is a process, it just isn't over because we want it to be, or because we forgive or because it's over between them. Our lives have been greatly impacted and this will affect us for years to come. It is OK.

The only thing I don't think we should do is 1) rush the process 2) excuse their behavior or take responsibility for it 3) stay in the rage for very long. I stayed in rage for about 3 months. I was totally miserable.

Anyway, we love ya and we are here for you to vent with.

Update on fast. Yesterday went surprisingly well. Had great prayer time with the Lord. And I decided to do a study of fasting in the bible and from references on the internet. Very interesting. I'll see how today goes!
2

Hey 2,

I am glad that your fast is going well. I respect that you can do that..b/c I don't think I could.

I don't feel like I am rushing things, but I feel more like I am delaying them. Part of me wants to forgive him, but the other part is not ready to. He has even told me that part of him does not want me to forgive him either.

I am a dweller by nature...it takes me a long time to get over something. Heck, there are stll times that I look back at high school friendships and think, boy I wish I would have handled that better. I just don't know how to completetly move on from things, I guess. You say you and your H do not really discuss it anymore? Heck, I still ask questions and bring it up at least once a day. My H hates this, and so do I, but I cannot help myself. I am starting to tell myself that I do not need to know any more small details, that I do not need to know major details(b/c I already know all I really need to)...but the dweller in me will not let it go. But, I am trying and I guess that is what is important.

I wish I could vent or just yell, or cry or something and it would all wash away...but nothing seems to be working except pushing it out completely. I hope that as I heal more that my down time is much less than my good times.

Thanks for replying.


True

I'm back. Was out. Have read the posts and True, no need to rush the forgiveness if you aren't ready in your heart. It would be worse to tell him you do forgive him and then not be able to live as a freed woman fully focused on the future. I agree with you that the goal would be to stop dwelling (which probably is fed by your questions and answers). How you get to that point I'm not sure.

When you wrote, "I have really been struggling with images that I never had before", were you referring to images of the PA? Other?

Also, if your H reads these posts wouldn't he, in the future, be able to look back at tomorrow's post to see what you didn't want him to see today?

Thanks for asking about my where abouts. Well, I'll be checking back today for any more posts.

Rocked,

Yes, he could check back and I guess I don't mind...I just didn't want him looking today. I want him to have a good birthday. I do not want him to think about the A or think that he is an *sshole today. He tells me that he thinks he is all the time. He hates the fact that I now look at myself as the loser..b/c he felt like he was so for a long time.

Yes, I am struggling with the PA. I have never really had a problem with this. Occasionally it would creep in, but lately it has been very strong. In fact, even during our own intimate times, I find myself drawn to thinking of him with her. I push it out as best as I can...but it makes my heart break every time.

Yes, I am trying to stop that dwelling. I think if I can get through today without thinking about it then I will be able to do better. It's just like a diet...take one day at a time...and each day it will get easier to resist the temptation.

Oh well, chat with you later.

True

True,
I've found when I want to keep my mind off one thing I have to focus it on another. Essentially replacing the negative images with new positive ones. Other things...other experiences...other people...whatever.

Gotta run out for a short errand. Will check back. And BTW, how are the Soxs doing? My Cards are rockin!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I try to focus on other things and when I do that I am much happier. I think last week is a prime example. I was so busy getting the house ready and the yard and everything for the party that I had a tremendous time. Then I did not get to see him much, and I watched that stupid movie, and I just remembered everything that I have lost through all of this. He was not around to help me deal with it and then when he was, I no longer wanted his help. I often feel like there is such an imbalance in our relationship now, and I do not know how to get it back. I have tried, but as always, it seems, I failed. I guess I should like the imbalance...b/c I come off on top of the scale, but there are other parts where I now feel like he is on top, too. We used to be perfectly balanced. Does that make sense? I know I am rambling....
It is a tough time for me and I do not want to bring you down when you are feeling your wings soaring...so thank you for your reply.

As for the Sox...I think they are doing great. The last time I checked(which was a couple days ago), they had the best record in baseball. I am sure that has changed by now. I really am not the baseball fan, my H is, but there was a time that I could tell you all the players on the team, where they came from and their batting average. Now, I just know because my H tells me. I try to watch the games, but on tv they are boring. I like to go to the stadium. Speaking of the Cards..my daughter won two tickets to go see them...now if we could only find a way to get there and a place to stay and, gee, free tickets sure end up costing a lot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for the reply.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />