True, it looks like it is just you and me today! I'm about to head out too. I wonder where Rocked is? I know Holiday is gone.

I actually just had a good talk with my MC. She called me back because I told her I was tormenting myself over this. You'll be surprised to know that not only does she think I should write her back, but she thinks I should add to the note I posted earlier, that yes, her actions did cause me great pain. I'm not sure if I want to say that.

My MC told me there is no given perfect answer. I should do what the Holy Spirit is guiding me to do. She also asked me if I had ever told OW about my faith to make her apology be so Christian focused. I told her that I had told her I didn't hate her and that I would pray that she turn her life around and become a better person. My MC told me I should feel great joy that my prayers have been answered as I have prayed this prayer for her daily! (nevermind the prayer that she leave has yet to be answered!)

Anyway, she asked me how I was feeling and I told her when I first got the letter I felt a sense of peace that she finally admitted her role, took responsiblity and recognized that I deserved a heartfelt apology. However, today I feel lousy that I even have to address this issue. She told me that is how you know if Satan is working by how you feel. So since I felt happy when I first got it and miserable now, is a sign Satan is working on my mind.

I feel led to respond and will probably take the weekend to do so. She reminded me that extending forgiveness does not mean reconcilation or friendship. That is all I am trying to do.

Please pray for guidance for me over the weekend.
By the way True, Rocked and Holiday both thought I should at least acknowledge her letter. So not EVERYONE is telling me to not contact her.

Have a blessed weekend.
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[color:"green"] You are right...not everyone. I just meant most people. If you look at the "go for it and write it" people, as opposed to the "don't do it" people, I bet the don't do its win out. And I it does not surprise me that the poeple close to you would tell you to do what you already think you should. They would be supportive. I am an outsider..looking at it from an unbiased perspective.

Also, I know that there is a place in the Bible that says do not base your decisions on feelings..."lean not on your own understanding" so saying you know that it is Satan b/c of how you feel seems illogical. Feelings are very misleading...look at what they did to our spouses.

I guess you must be going to a Christian based counselor(not that that is good or bad). I know you have a strong faith...and like I said, do what you feel you need to do, but like I said I am very surprised at the "advice" you have received from your counselor. I would not go to somebody who said Satan was to blame for these things...sounds like a weak excuse to me. I know that there are paths laid out before us and some of those might be placed there by Satan...but WE ultimately get to choose the right or wrong path. I am glad that you value your counselor's view and feel comfortable with it...for me, I would say goodbye to any couselor that told me to contact the OW after 6 months of No Contact.

Also, you have already told this woman that you forgive her, and that you would pray for her. I just don't see what you think this will accomplish...except make you feel better??? Didn't you just say to me "How's that workin for ya?" You have spent an enormous amount of time thinking about this, and I have not seen it help you at all. SO, how is responding to her working for you????

I know you disagree with me on this and that is ok. Like I said, I guess I feel obligated(maybe you would say called) to tell you how I feel. Maybe I am at work to lead you down the wrong path..but maybe not.

I will pray for guidance for you. And I will pray that you seek God's will...whatever that may be.

True [/color]

Well, I haven't responded to her. So it might work fine. Not having responded since I got her letter has been tormenting me. As far as my MC and Rocked and Holiday and my friends I didn't say "hey this is what I'm thinking of doing" and they said "do it". I told them what happened, so their response wasn't to be supportive, it was what they thought should happen. Again, I'm not taking a poll, so it doesn't matter how many yes' and how many no's.

I love my MC and value her opinion highly. She didn't say to contact the OW, the OW contacted me! She is only advising me on how to handle the OW contact to me.

Feelings are very different from the urging or the presence of the Holy Spirit. Can't give you a lecture on that now. But an example would be when I was going away last weekend and I bought my H the flower. I had no plans to do that and was running out of the store, when this urge hit (the Holy Spirit) to extend to my H a loving gesture. So help me, I had to fight the feeling because I didn't want to do it, I didn't feel he "deserved" it. But I did and I felt very happy about it after the fact. You may simply consider what I call Satan and the Holy Spirit to be your conscience. I believe in the devils schemes and witnessed what he did with my H. That is why the bible says "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.: Eph. 6:11. See how God gives us the free will to take our stand, but completely acknowledges Satan's scheme? How do you think the devil works? My H's A has Satan's handprints all over it!

For clarification I told the OW that I didn't hate her, I never actually told her I forgave her. I guess that is why I'm "feeling" led to officially say those words.

Again, I appreciate your opinion, but I never promise to take anyone's advice (maybe not even my MC about letting the OW know she did in fact cause me pain). I weight and think about the responses and then do what I feel led to do.

I will keep you posted. Have a blessed weekend.
2

Good morning. Had a lousy weekend. Feeling miserable today. Backsliding big time and I'm not sure how to handle it. Please pray for me. I feel very attacked.
2

[color:"purple"] 2,

Sorry your weekend was bad. I will say an extra pray for you right now.

If you need to vent...please feel free. I will check back in a bit later.

Take care.

True [/color]

Thanks. Sorry seems so insignificant for all the pain caused and yet, that is all either of them can give me. I understand that. It has left me feeling so bad and it seems so unfair. I suffer from a deep loss and pain that might take me a life time to get over and all they can say is sorry? Do they feel bad? Probably. I still believe her apology is sincere. But will she ever truly understand the pain and damage she did? Neither of them will unless they experience it themselves and yet I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It seems so unjust.
2

2,

Again...I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I have felt like that for a while now. I think those are the moods that you have seen me go through. It is unfair, isn't it? That is why my signature used to say..."Life isn't the way it is supposed to be, it is the way it is. It is how we deal with it that makes the difference." You have been dealing EXTREMELY well!!! I mean it. Don't let this set back cause you to lose it completely.

This hurts and is a very painful wound. It sounds likes your wound has just had the scab pulled back. Your hubbie needs to clean it and put the band-aid back on. He needs to sit with you and dry your tears. I am sooo sorry.

I know you have a lot of people to talk to there, but if you need one more, send me an email and I will let you know how you can get ahold of me. I know sometimes it is hard to share on the message board. I am here for you..heck, all of you. You guys are a great support and I hope I can be the same.

Please keep your faith...you will make it.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Send me your e-mail True. And thanks again.
2

[color:"blue"] Hey everybody,

Hope all is well.

2, I hope you are feeling better today.

Holiday, I hope your trip was super. And that you made it back safely and soundly:)

Rocked, where are you? Haven't heard from you in days!

I am off for a bit of fun at the lake. Woo Hoo!

I'll check back in later.


True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />[/color]

Feeling a little better because I found a friend to vent to late last night. Thanks True. I called you yesterday, but got a busy signal?

Anyway, busy day for me too!

Talk to you guys later!
2

2, Hang in there. I recently enjoyed a trip to Bush Gardens with my family and watched the new SHEIKRA ride. Has a nearly vertical drop two times in the course of the ride. I watched my teen son ride it (hey, someone has to stay on the ground to take the picture!) and his face was fearful during the drops. But just as the designer planned it the drops were followed by sheer ecstasy and joy.

So, hang on tight during the drops in your marriage and trust that "The Designer" will guide you through joy and adventure.

Honey, I'm home!!
Sorry 2 I didn't get to read your post before I left. Sorry to hear you are still troubled by that email. We were in Mission Viejo and Huntington Beach.
Here's one, my best friend from high school called to tell me her H served her with D papers while he was still living in the home with her and their daughter...she had no clue. I felt so bad for her. Please place her in your prayers.
True-(cute pics, your family is adorable and you are too!)

Strange trip. Good, but rough feelings the whole time. I left on Friday with our daughter and my H had to work Sat so he drove up on Sunday. First time since d-day we have done anything long distance seperately and I was so uneasy (not like me) the whole trip. He's been wonderful, but I am just not myself.

I will chat with you all soon, as I need to get my ebay stuff done.

I've decided to table the response until I can think of the "right" words to say. I feel better now that it isn't consuming me.

Just had a casual friend tell me today that she found out last week her husband and BEST FRIEND have been having a 4 months affair. They were seperated and the BEST FRIEND was living with her husband and running over to comfort her. She had NO clue! Things could be worse.

Anyway, he ended it last week and OW is stalking them now. She is in early recovery and told me knowing I was just there. Pray for her and me if she comes to me for help during this time.

Holiday you were only about an hour from me! I would have loved to meet you. Oh well! Next time.
Night!
2

Everyone has gone away! So sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I have a question for you True. I was talking with a girlfriend of mine the other day who has been "my support" during this time. She runs a support group for woman dealing with the effects of their husbands sexual sins.

Anyway, I told her how sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with my H and the OW working together and that I want him to quit sometimes. Our MC has advised me against it saying that often times it causes more trouble than it is worth. She thinks God is trying to teach me something (patience and trust perhaps) in learning to deal with the situation.

My friend told me she had her H quit because of his A with a co-worker and she deeply regretted it. She said he loved the job and after he quit landed crappy job after crappy job and has never been able to find a good match again. She said it significantly affected his self esteem to lose the job he loved and she feels 3 years later, he has never fully recovered from it. She said he never talks about it or blames her, but it is obvious that he has been unsettled professionally ever since. He was there for 7 years.

I was wondering what your take was. I know that not only did your H leave his job, but you moved far away. I never wanted to move, so that is why I wanted him to stay. If he left chances are we'd have to move because of his profession. Has it been a good thing for you? Do you miss home and wish sometime you'd let him stay? Did you move to end the A, or to get away from her? Because my H's A was "ended" that wasn't a necessity for me. I'm just curious really. No right or wrong answer here. Just wondering looking back on it if you think you did the right thing.

My counselor, Dr. Phil and this friend (and one other) have all said to not make life changing decisions until 3 months after something tramatic has happened in your life. So if someone dies or your H leaves you, don't pack up and move to Hawaii a week later. I think if he would have quit his job like most people suggested and we would have moved, that I would look back now and be unhappy that I did it.

Just want to know what your thoughts are since you are living it.
2

[color:"purple"] Hey 2,

I have not gone away...I have been trying to get ready for my kids to go to their grandparents' house for 2 weeks...YAY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

To answer your question...well, for me, it was much different. My H had already gotten the new job(or almost gotten...we knew he was going to be offered the job) when "the kiss" happened. I think it is one of the reasons that he allowed himself to get so suckered into it all...he knew that there was an end in sight, and that it was not far off.

He HATED his job and had no friends there(other reason he latched on to the OW) and they had basically let him sit at his desk for over 2 years with not much to do. It was not in his field at all, and he only took it so that we could live well and so that I could finally stay home with my kids(that makes me feel wonderful).

However, I am sooo thankful that we moved when we did. I honestly do not know how you do it. I would go nuts. In fact, after d-day, we were there 3 weeks( 2 of which I left to go to my parent's house) and I worried every minute of every day. This woman was very aggressive and went after what she wanted. My H had proven to me that he could not resist her...and at that time he still saw her as a very good, if not best, friend. The affair had ended about three weeks before I found out also, but the emotional part still lingered and they still chatted a lot at work. She had already moved on to her next affair, but I still worried.

As for leaving home, North Carolina was not my home. I had been away from home for almost 9 years...my H's new job...and our house... is only 4 hours from both of our parents. That part has been nice. We were all miserable in NC. So, I was happy to move.

The only thing that has been hard for me, is that my H's old job paid very well, and we were finally living out of the "poor house". This job was a HUGE cut in pay(although a house came with it, so no mortgage) and we are back to being poor. When I looked at reasons for staying..money was NOT one of them. I did not mind that he was taking a huge cut in pay or that we were going to have to really be tight with money before all this. I was just so happy that he finally had gotten a job where he felt good about himself and felt like the man that I loved so deeply. Now...well, I won't get into all that. I am VERY happy that we moved 1,000 miles away from that *itch! I would never regret that!

Also, everyone please say extra prayers for me this weekend. It is my 11 year anniversary. I got a card yesterday from my cousin and it was rough. My extended family knows nothing about this, and they all love my H and still see us as the perfect match. I broke down and cried. Today I retyped our old wedding vows and plan to burn them. I would like that to symbolize that those vows are dead...and create new ones that hopefully will mean more to my H for longer than a couple of years.


Sorry so long. Hope everyone is well.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Thanks for your answer. It makes perfect sense. I am glad that you not only got away from her, but from a life you weren't enjoying anyway. Sounds like the move has been a blessing to you in many ways!

I will pray for your anniversary. I hope the vow burning ceremony will make you feel better. Sometimes symbolic things have a huge impact in our lives. Good luck!

What are you guys doing to celebrate?
2

Did something stupid. I found the old phone bill (which I keep for reference of the "wrong" numbers to find on his cell phone bill) and there was a number to her home state. I wondered if it was her parents house, so I called using call blocking and asked for her. It was her mom and she was very nice. OW doesn't live her anymore want her number?! She gave me her cell number which I had already.

It just bummed me out to see that he was calling her all over the world, even at her parents house when she went home for holidays. He sucks!

The desire to know if it was her number just over took me. I know I should have left it alone. I feel awful right now.
2

Sorry 2...when do we stop beating ourselves up?????
I had a bad dream of the girl at the gym with my H.
My thoughts weigh me down sometimes.
My PT told me to "surrender" (talking about all aspects of my life), again with the "beyond our control" theory.
I'm so tired...

You too huh? I guess that is why we've stopped chatting for a little bit. We are all too tired.

Holiday, I have her parents number and am really considering trying to get her home number out of them. I'm sure I could come up with something. Should I do this? I don't have her home number as she moved right before D-day. They had stopped calling and were text messaging by the time she moved. I want to know if her number is showing up on his phone bill. Should I do this, or is this a step in the wrong direction? To have her home number means 1) if it isn't on his cell, he's truthful or 2) He's a lying snake and I file for divorce. Either way, I'm prepared for what I see.

What would you do?
2

2...make sure I've got this straight.

This is an number on an old phone bill to OW2's parent's home? Was this the OW your H was talking to in between OW1?

Has your H shown any signs of communicating with her since he told you he wasn't and I mean any signs????

Don't do anything about this for now. Try to stop the "beat yourself up" process.

Just breathe...

Let me think on this one okay?