Did 7 pages of scrapbooking last night! Doing fine.

Hubby comes home tonight, before he's off for another week on Monday. Reminds me a little of all the nights he left me alone to be with her. Somehow, I'm now supposed to think he's behaving! Most of the time I do, but then I remember I did back then too.

Anyway, you guys have a great weekend too.
2

I know everyone is off for the weekend and I know that we aren't chatting as much as we used to. But I still come to you guys when I need to and I had something I wanted to share.

I up at 1am waiting for my H to get home from being gone a week. He called to tell me he landed and ask me to check my e-mail. Well, he sent me an e-mail that was honestly the most wonderful things he has ever said to me. He went on and on about how great I am (well, I am!) and noted things like what a great hostess, decorater and leader I am. It really touched me.

My H has NEVER (even when we were dating) did this kind of admiring of me. I always felt he did, but he never expressed it. Now, twice in one week he has poured his heart out to me. Could this be the better marriage that people talk about after the A?!

Since I'm struggling with forgiving the pain he caused me, things like this heal a wound. I know there are about another 1000 open wounds, but one was just healed and it feels so nice.

You guys have a great weekend. Pray that I can gently share my revelation on forgiveness with him.

2

Hey. Things are going pretty well. No, I have not been back to the MC again. Yes, I know I need to. I saw Batman Begins this past weekend and guess what? Christian Bale, the guy who plays Batman, looks just like my W's OM. Started to get to me half thru the movie. Especially when he kissed the chick. Spooky how stuff like that can resurrect emotions that I thought had subsided. W and I talked about it later (after she pressed me as to "what's wrong?").

Oh well, new day, new opportunity to think forward. I'm still in this only by the grace of God. Thanks God.

Yes, it is amazing how the slightest thing will set you off. We were at the beach this weekend and saw folks bike riding. It reminded me that they went bike riding together on Venice Beach. I was having the happiest time and then I felt like I wanted to puke!

I'm curious 1) Why haven't you gone back to MC. You've been what twice? and 2) What did your W say when you pointed out that Batman looks like the OM? Did it lead to conversation or just nothing?

We had a great weekend together. Told him my revelation on where I'm at with forgiveness. He told me he knew that already, even though I'm just now figuring it out. He left today for another whole week. On the bright side, getting a lot of scrapbooking done.

Good hearing from you Rocked.
2

Don't have much time to post. When I ment'd the Batman "look-a-like" thing to my W she was a little put-off that I would still have those emotions (seeing how we've been doing pretty good lately). We talked and got over it.

Haven't been back to MC prob b/c of time, money, lack of urgency, yada yada.

Keep the forward progress with your H happening.

MC would make your wife understand that you will have these emotions for years. That is the best thing I've gotten out of it. Not so much understanding my pain (which I get), but making my H understand my pain. I don't need to mention things like the bike ride to him anymore, because I know that he knows I'm probably thinking that. He was probably thinking that. He understands how these things pop up all the time and will for many years to come.

It also helped him learn how to make me heal. So the e-mail I mentioned the other day that he sent me, was so instrumental in making me feel better...not just for the day, but forever.

So go back. I know you don't feel the sense of urgency, but it is. You don't want something drastic to happen before urgency comes up. Go now, while things are calm and you guys are doing well. I'm not going to let up on you Rocked about this.

Chat later!
2

Hi guys!

I am sitting here on Monday night away from my H for the first time since d-day. It is tough.

Rocked, it is interesting that you mentioned seeing Batman..I saw Star Wars today. I actually did pretty good until the very end. I will not share with you all what exactly I did think as you will all yell at me and tell me that I am just being crazy:) To tell you the truth, I watched the movie Closer the other day....Natalie Portman was in that one too....it was ALL about infidelity and the after effects. They actually did a really good job showing what a BS goes through. Stupid of me to watch, but I figured if I could watch that movie I could go see Star Wars and make it through.

2, I meant to tell you that I thought what your H did was AWESOME and I hope that you thanked him profusely!!!!

Holiday, where in the heck have you gone????

Well, I will chat with you all later.


True

Hey guys...quick here. Doing okay. Working on my ebay. Want to watch a tearjerker try Heartburn (an oldie with Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson) kills me so I never want to watch it again.
I will chat more later...off to the gym.
2, glad to hear your H wrote a nice love letter (I love that!!!).
True, I cried through the new Star Wars (I think I know what you are talking about, my H thought it was strange for me to cry in a Star Wars movie).
Rocked, miss ya dude!
holiday

Hey Guys,

Hubby is gone again. It created a little issue last night, but we talked it out.

I did thank my H for the e-mail and told him that it is instrumental in my healing process.

I have a question. Our MC keeps telling me obviously we were friends, but we didn't talk about the important things. She is always stressing the need to talk more. So I asked my H (knowing he was at this conference last year with OW) what he was going to do different this year in terms of his behavior (she is not going, but in general). I felt it was a good talk, but I also felt like I was prying and forcing him to talk about things he doesn't want to. Are you guys talking more with your spouse? Does it feel odd to you too?

Just thoughts. Have a blessed day.

Yes, talking more. But not about the A. About life, our kids, our jobs, church, finances, stuff. We do end up talking sooner about issues that bother us both...unlike the past when we would have bottled things up more.

It's been working for us to "move on" and not bring up just for "bring up sake" those things of the dark past. Maybe as women you all are different and have to talk about things repetitively.

We kiss more now too!!!

Good morning...
Yes, we talk more too. Mostly about the future or the "right now". But, somedays I get those old thoughts and I get into a "funk", like I am in a haze. This past weekend was like that.
I am doing better today.
Sometimes I wonder if everything is really as it seems (does this make any sense?).
Hope you all are doing well,
holiday

Hi,

2, Good question. I think we do talk more now, b/c I stay up later and we chat online when we can...but I don't think we necessarily talk more when it comes to important things. SO quanity yes, quality no.

Remember his affair lasted only a month or so...the talking completely halted toward the end of the affair on our part, but it was around Christmas, he was super busy at work(not with the things that I thought...but still), and we were in the middle of getting ready to move, so I did not find it suspicious. My H was very good about remembering to call me at lunch and not talk to his OW until I was already asleep...I thought there was a wedge growing between us, but I just thought it was due to all the stress of him getting a new job.

So, no, I do not think we talk more. That has always been the foundation to our relationship...which is why I think I am having such a hard time getting over the fact that he let this OW grow so close in that department as well.

Anyway, here is another question for you. My H and I were talking about the Star Wars movie last night, and he was stating that it was hard for him to imagine somebody going to the dark side soo easily. I said, really??? It is easy to convince somebody to go against what they know is right when offered something they feel they can't live without. Look how easily he was swayed by the comments of the OW about how there was no way he could go his whole life being with only one person...how wrong it was...how much she just wanted him sexually but not anything more...all the things that justified it in his mind.
Then he said...Well he had a clear choice in front of him. I said so did you...he did not agree. So, what do you all think...do you think our spouses had a clear choice to make or not??? I think he did. It was not clouded by emotions or any other magic...it was a clear choice...do I break my wedding vows or not.

I am very interested in your responses.

TTYL

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey True,

Your story sounds so much like mine! My H got a new job, we had a new baby who became sick, and that created LOTS of adjustment. I sensed it too, but thought it was the stress also. Because of that, I sat back and tried to be supportive by not demanding too much. That gave him the perfect opportunity to continue his affair.

Now, onto your question. What on earth does he mean he didn't have a clear choice? Did someone put a gun to his head? The bible clearly talks about God giving us an out when we become tempted (I'll give you the verse if you want it.) Perhaps it didn't seem that clear to him at the time he took it, but he had PLENTY of clear choices that he didn't take. 1st he chose to become chummy with another woman, 2nd he chose to have loose boundries with her..discussing inappropriate things 3rd he chose not to tell you about this blossoming friendship and lastly, he chose to have sex with her. The WHOLE thing was about clear choices in which he failed to take the right one. What doesn't he agree with? I'm baffled!

I think my H gets this part. He realized that it was a process of bad decisions he made that led right up to this. It isn't a one time decision, it is a series of decisions and they made all the wrong ones.

What is his take? I'm dying to know!
2

"I am your Father!"

Hmmm, my H gets it too now...But,I think he'd say it wasn't a "clear choice" back then either. He's working a 72 hr shift starting today, so I won't be able to ask him his take on it until Saturday.

2 and True, you both had new babies, we did not this last time. The first A was right after the death of his Father, and being the only sibling of 7 to be at his side that night. He was having a really bad year (and the two before with the death of his Mom, a DUI after gaining his job back from a wrongful job termination OSHA related, and finding out our niece sued our insurance for $100,000.00 for a shin abraision when he took her out to lunch one afternoon and they fell over on the bike). I think he was running down a bad path. He didn't like himself too much and continued to make bad choices.

But this last time continues to spook me. We moved to a new house, he liked his new station, he had gained alot of respect from the guys at the fire dept after the wrongful termination was brought to light. We were taking trips together and then "bam"...he takes a trip with a friend (new to us) on the Harley and next thing I know he had called some girl in WA and she comes to Vegas for a one nighter. He says it was all about the sexual variety. Definitely a clear choice.

Hate to ask you guys to relive the past, but I can't remember how each of you found out about the A. Did you discover it or were you told? I know Rocked discovered, like me. I don't remember you guys. Just curious really.

My H has made it clear to me long ago that they were all clear choices that he "ignored", believing it would never lead to something like this. He thought he loved me too much, was too strong a Christian and overall wasn't interested in an extra marital affair to "fall". But now he knows all the poor choices he made caused the infidelity. He also sees clearly (as do I) how Satan deceives us into thinking that there is no clear choice. All the decisions to get chummy with OW and share intimate details of your life Satan can have you believe is OK, because "It isn't like you are having an A or anything! You just like OW. She's nice and there is no harm in having a female friend." Then after Satan tricks you into believing what you are doing is OK, WHAM! you are smack in the middle of an A.

From there Satan convinces you your Spouse SUCKS and this OW is the perfect person for you. That is when my H turned on me and like I said, that is what I'm really struggling to forgive right now.

Anyway, my take. Have a great night.
2

You know my finding out was a freaky occurance. There were a lot of "coincediences" that seem too hard to ignore. After he went to that movie the first time, I felt something was wrong and even checked the stub...seeing there was only one ticket there, I let it go and said I am just being stupid. I mentioned to him several times that he had all the signs of a cheating spouse and even told his mom that at Thanksgiving...I had picked up on everything, but allowed myself to believe that he could never do anything like that. Heck, even when he went out Christmas shopping(really went to make out with her), I was suspicious. It all clicked about the 15th of December when he started getting really depressed. I thought maybe it was the job, at first, but then these suspicions started to grow in my mind. Then on Friday before D-day, we had a very nice talk, and we even talked about infidelity, and what would happen and I told him that if he had ever done that, I would want to know. That night I mentioned that I wanted to use his phone the next day, and he said no, go use your own...that was abig red flag so at 6 am the next morning I checked his phone. Her work number was on there...he had called the night before(or so it said...later I would find out that he called her in the morning while he was at work for a purely innocent reason, it just showed up as the wrong time on his phone for some strange reason). I began to think that maybe he was having feelings for her and THAT is why he had been so depressed. That Sat. was rough. Knowing, but not REALLY knowing. But, it really hit on SUnday morning...but, I still did not believe that he slept with her...he told me later that morning when he saw that I was crying and that I told him that I knew he had fallen out of love with me. That he loved someone else. He said no, he did not, but that he had been bad to me. He said I can't tell you, you will hate me and leave.

LONG version of the story...but that was how I found out.

True

OK. So what is his take on not having a clear choice?
2

Long story long here...sorry.

The first A I found out about was the day after my class reunion. H wasn't going to go with me but last minute decided he'd drive up after me. Well, the Friday before while I was at my sister's (staying there in CA for the reunion) I call his work (he was to have river training) and he's not there and the guys tell me they had no training. Can't get a hold of him on his cell and now I think he's dead along the highway or something.

Saturday morning he shows up at my sister's with very distant eyes (remember he's had a long string of bad paths and even this was stranger) while talking to me. Said they cancelled training so he just took a long bike ride and sorry that his cell was out of the area.

My reunion...he drank and drank and drank (for a light drinker. His DUI was due to not being a good drunk...sad thing he was arrested by one of my officers (a friend) where I used to work and he told me this wasn't the man he knew and asked what the *ell was going on in his life). My class reunion had alot of his old friends that are girls and they hung all over him all night. I went on about my night.

Next day, evening he was sleeping on my sister's sofa when a call came in on his cell and I thought it might be his work for OT (he was working major OT during this year), but when I saw the number it was close to my sister's house. So I called it back and asked the "girl" who answered who she was looking for. She said she must have dialed a wrong number.
I woke my H up and said, "either you tell me now what this is all about or we're done". He sprung up from a deep sleep and tears started to well up in his eyes and he blurted out everything.

This last time was strange. We had just arrived home from a 10 day cruise with friends. Went to the bank and signed papers for a refi on the new house (to combine all the payments of a new pool etc) and 2 days later he tells me he's going to a (planned for a couple of weeks) poker party with some of the fire guys. He even bought me flowers that day as it was the anniversary of our first date. And a wonderful card on how much he loved me (pathetic to me now).

Well, a month later we were in bed sleeping on another trip and his cell rings and I pick it up, don't answer it and hand it to him. I could hear a girl's voice. He was upset with the person. He hangs up and tells me it's so and so's wife of a co worker going through a divorce or something. My gut told me different. Definitely a cold evening. He was like frozen...caught. I told him the next morning that I didn't think what he told me was the truth and that "I will find out who called". He just put his head down. FLAG!!!!

So when the cell bill came and that number from that night was there, I called it...low and behold it was a "perky" girl's voice on the message machine. I immediately went to have a face off with him at the gym. He told me everything. But, that he had ended it before her call that night and that is why she called.

He says he realizes these OW who tempt him with "just sex" are really after more...DUH!!!

He has been trying very hard these past 8 months to make me see he's becoming a better person. So I can only pray that he's found a good path.

Today I woke up and had decided that I don't want to think so deeply of this again. That there really is no guarentee to any relationship with another person. That the only control God gave me was over myself. That I may be the best role model to those around me. That I should trust the moment.

I feel I am waste parts of my life worrying about the what if's, is that a sign, is that a flag. I'm tired of having these fall back emotions. Not to mention the internal stress.

2,
I asked him...he won't answer me. SO, to me...that means he thinks it wasn't a clear choice.

I am a little miffed at him at the moment, or I would push harder.

Oh well.

True