True, I think on the outside we can see a "clear choice"...but when Satan's fog is put before you and the fog represents selfishness...that's when I think someone feels it isn't clear from the inside. The betrayed is just not in the picture at the time.

You asked him what? What are you miffed about? I'd be mad at that comment!
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Hey Guys,

Just thinking. My H comes home tomorrow after another week gone. It is always so scary for me. I am excited to see him and nervous that he's going to drop this bombshell that he's leaving me for her. Is it weird that I would still feel this way sometimes after 7 months (yesterday)? Am I the only one still grappling with this fear?

It sucks because when I start to get excited and think (I'll do something special) this fear comes up and I decide to guard myself by not doing anything. What are you guys doing to deal with this fear if you have it?
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Where are you guys when I need you. Starting to spiral here. Here is the deal. My H is out of town on work. Yes, I called to make sure OW was at her desk all week. Anyway, I talked to him late monday and he was at a bar with some of his staff and other employees from his company. It was late and I thought it was inappropriate and I told him so. He had some answer like "Almost everyone I'm with is married and because of the time difference, we weren't tired and decided to hang out." Probably innocent, but you know what? I don't feel comfortable with that now. That is how his A started and blossomed.

So guess what? He calls me tonight 11:30pm his time and tells me he is getting ready to go to the bar again with the Board members (he's on the board). He told me some of them had already left town, so it wasn't like he HAD to go. So I got peeved. I told him earlier in the week that I thought it was inapproiate and I wasn't comfortable with it...then 3 days later, he does the same thing! I'm really upset here!

Here is the deal. My H alway used these kind of events and working late as "work". He HAD to go. It was expected of him...ect., ect. Well, that isn't true. Wasn't then and isn't now. So why does he feel the need to go hang out and party? This is supposed to be WORK, not fun time! And would I care if he was having fun? Under normal circumstances no, but now I do care! I want him to work. I don't want him socializing and hanging out with work people. I want him to maintain and air of professionalism at all times.

We discussed the need for him to conform NOT to this world. He is a christian man and therefore needs to hold himself to a different standard than others. It think hanging out late and going to a bar is not appropriate. And you know what? It isn't appropriate for him because of what he did. I'm not saying all christians can't do this, but I don't think he should so soon after his great fall! Am I being ridiculous?

What's wrong with wrapping up the day and telling your staff to go on without you? How about going to bed early or here is a novel idea, do a bible study. I'm tired of him thinking he can't miss anything...has to be at every thing even if it's 1 in the morning. I'm really bothered and I know he picked up the sarcasim when we spoke tonight. Now I'm really not looking forward to him coming home.

I feel like it is all a show. When he's home he's well behaved (like during the A, going to church and MC with me the first time). But when he is away, the mouse will play. I want him to recognize that it is not appropriate. I want him to do this on his own, not because I told him to. I just am really questioning how sincere his walk is, both as a Christian and as a faithful husband. I want him to say to himself "I don't really like bars, I'd rather go home and dive into the word." It so bothers me that he doesn't do that. Is this a character flaw? Can it be changed, or am I over reacting.

Sorry to vent.
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2, I only have a min here. This is what I meant. We can't control our spouses just as they can't control us.

Yes, you have a right to vent and be disappointed, but "hob knobin" with work people keeps your H important in his career. I don't like the bar scene either. That too is where my H can be tempted. In your H's case, I don't think he can stop going to work functions.

Keep telling your H your feelings. He will resist because he has never been through what you have been through so he will never truly know your pain. You need to make the decision about yourself now and what you are willing to take in your marriage.

holiday

OK, so what if I'm not willing to deal with all the socializing because that is where he blew it the first time. Now what?
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2-You need to feel it in your heart. If you really think that his going out to the bar with his coworkers is going to start another A with someone then you won't be able to stay in the marriage. What if he had met the OW at the market, or at the gym? I know, I know the alcohol would not be a factor, but I really don't believe alcohol kept your H in an A for a year.

Give him some trust. He's calling you and telling you his every move. Don't waste your hours thinking about what "could happen" as you will not be able to breathe. And in a metaphorical (splg?) sense. If you can't breathe, you will suffocate and die.

I understand what you are saying, but understand what I am saying. I believe the main reason for my H's A was letting down his guard. He believed he wasn't capable of such a thing, so getting too friendly with another woman, seemed harmless. Now he knows different. Now he has a responsiblity to conduct himself differently than before, or he will find himself in the same situation. He isn't. He is out doing the same thing that allowed the A to begin, grow and continue for almost a year.

My H did not meet some random woman at a bar or market and allowed the relationship to grow from there. This was one of his employees. He'd known her for 2 years before the A began. The relationship/friendship existed and socializing at bars and other events allowed it to grow. That is EXACTLY the situation he was in. Socializing with single female co-workers, he's known for a long time. This type of friendliness outside of work can spark inappropriate conversations, and getting to know each other on a totally different level. I am not comfortable with him doing this NOW, so soon into his recovery.

I think he has a responsiblity to himself to keep himself out of potentially sticky situations. This type of socializing has proven to be sticky for HIM. I think he is wrong for hanging out at a bar till wee hours of the night with single ladies. I think he is wrong wrong wrong!

Or married ladies for that matter too!

2,

You DO have the right to tell him not to go and if he is serious about his "walk" then he should choose not to go as well. He should ALWAYS chose against making you uncomfortable....ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! NO EXCEPTIONS!!!!!!!!

My H actually did a very good thing on a recent business trip..same sitch as your H...he said no, and went back to his room and called me. He is the boss...he should have been there, in the past, he would have...especially the part when everyone else went back to their rooms and he was still awake and some girl wanted to get drinks. He would have said yes, b/c he did not plan on anything...he would have thought that as long as he did not sleep with the woman or anything physical...then it was ok.

Also, I think you are normal to fear the OW thing sometimes...I still do...and from what I read others do too. It is just a natural reaction to seeing what could have happened...you do not mean to think that way...it just pops up. Today was one of those days for me as well. It was a long drive in the car...those are always bad for me....too much time to think:)

I would tell your H that you are not trying to be controling, but that you still need him to do things just for you to make you sure. Yes, he is calling you and telling you his every move, but if those moves make you feel uncomfortable or bring on triggers...HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS PLANS.....No questions asked and no complaining.

My thoughts are with you tonight!!!!

True

Thanks True,

He's home now. I'm pretty cold. Very tired and not too thrilled to see him honestly.

I will let him know I thought he was wrong. I guess after that there isn't much more I can do. It was an annual conference so it won't pop up again til next year. As far as his normal work routine, it has totally changed, so I don't know if this will happen again. But I do think he is wrong and I will tell him so.

You never did tell me what your husband thinks about not having a clear choice. I'm still real interested in his take.

Will you be around this weekend? Happy 4th!
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Would you guys be happier if I didn't post with you anymore?
I notice when I give another take on things and it isn't what anyone likes to hear I may be being excluded?

What I am trying to say here is that, yes, our spouses shouldn't place themselves in certain situations, however the enviroment on the outside of our houses vs the enviroment on the inside has more to do with our marriages.

Just because a person talks to opposite sex co workers (and 2 I thought you meant his guy co workers were going out, sorry here) doesn't mean an affair is next in line. Our spouses can not be "babysat" constantly, what kind of life/marriage will that be.

I agree definitely with True as your H should abide by your hurt feelings on the subject of going once you told him. That is where I meant you need to decide what you will take in your marriage. Try not to walk around this weekend giving him the "treatment". I think that will only harden his case on the subject. Talk to him with your hurt feelings and not your anger.

I've lightened up already. I will try to keep in mind to talk with hurt and not anger.
Thanks

[color:"green"] Holiday,

I do not know where you are coming from. NO..I do not want you to go away. I like your input. Hoenstly, I only skimmed through all the other posts..so if I bashed what you said in mine...I am sorry.

Also, I agree with you on the "talk with your hurt". Although, I think sometimes it naturally comes out as anger..b/c anger gives us a powerful feeling and hurt makes us feel weak.

2,

My husbands take on the clear choice....well, I think Holiday answered that as well, at the time he did not see it as clear, and as a BS I do not understand that. To me, there should have been no clearer choice than do I break the vow that I made to True, or do I hold her close to my heart and show my loyalty to her alone.

BTW, he claims that he was loyal to me throughout the whole affair, b/c he stayed with me and loved me through it all....again...I have said no, loyalty is more than that.

Again, Holiday, I am sorry you felt excluded. I DO tend to agree with 2 on some of these issues more...but that does not mean that your points do not sink in after some thought!!! I have learned a lot from you as well as everyone else here.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

My H has said that too kinda. I was never gonna leave you, I loved you. If I didn't I would have left, yadda yadda yadda. Can't make sense of it either.

Just put the kids to bed so we may get a chance to talk. I'm so tired, I might wait til tomorrow.

Have a great night!
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Sorry, guys...just had a bad morning I suspect.
I feel the way you both do most of the time...but I am really trying to live more in the now of my marriage. All this rehashing starts to wear on me and it stops me from moving forward. When I start thinking to much I get very defensive.

I really do love you guys...your my sounding board, my peace. And thank you True.

My H says the same as your H's...he loved me and never planned on replacing me nor our life with anyone else. I tell him it still hurts me just the same.

I just wish that I could help more in the understanding that we, WE can only walk the walk in hopes that our spouses will follow. Not to perch ourselves like a bird in a cage, holding on so tight just waiting for all this to happen to us again...we can't control that, so we need to stop stressing on it.

I had been holding some "new" type of resentment or something (hormones...who the heck knows anymore) on my H by my attitude this past week (stars were wrongly aligned??...just wasn't myself). I told him it's hard to open up and start telling him my feelings sometimes, like I'm going to screw up and say it wrong (I'm such a conflict avoider!!!!! aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh). But he tells me to just "talk" and I do and I feel so much better that he listened. He will probably never (never say never) know my pain. He knows my feelings on my pain, but he can never truly understand how all this feels.

2, tonight it's late, but if you are still up...go in and jump your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Hi guys!

This is just a vent here(very long and rambly)...so bewarned, if you don't want to hear a vent..just pass this by.

Yesterday was a rough day..actually the past two days have been rough. Actually, I think I have had a tougher time since our anniversary when I told my H that I forgive him and he didn't "accept" it. I have talked to him about it, but I think those stars were in the wrong alignment for me too..or maybe it was the hormones too...I don't know why, but I have felt worse and have felt my H has been hiding things from me. He says he hasn't and I have not found anything...I doubt he is...I just feel suspicious.

Anyway, that is not my vent. My vent is that last night we were up at my parent's house, and the town next to them had fireworks so we watched them, then, we came back to my parent's house and played video games:) My mood was so much better than earlier in the day and I was feeling close enough to my H to say, honey, I am so tired, I am going to bed...you stay up and play games with my little bro(he is 15). This is somewhat big for me, and I do not offer it to him often, since his affair occured both at work and at night after I went to sleep and he stayed up(he is a night owl and I am morning person). Since D-day, we have gone to sleep together almost every night.

So, anyway, I went to bed at midnight and actually fell asleep and was still feeling pretty good(even though I found a cd in "our room" which was the same as one of the ones that "she" gave him. Well, I woke up about 1:30...he was not in bed yet. I listened downstairs...he was still playing with bro...went back to sleep...woke up at 2:00...not there...woke up at 3:30...still not there...by this time, there had been major triggers as this exact thing happened the two times he went out with her to have sex and the nights that he stayed up and talked to her on the computer.

I walked downstairs and yelled at him...asking him if he knew what **cking( and I do not use that word unless I am REALLY upset, so he knew) time it was..he just said no, he did not realize it was that late(something he told the OW after she screwed him until 3am) and finally came up to bed. I was so mad at this point that I could FEEL my blood boiling. I know I was overreacting...I wouldn't even let him touch me when he came to bed. I know that he was not doing anything and that he was actually have fun with my brother(which is also a big thing for my brother, who didn't talk to my H for months after this happened), but it still hurt and I DID get mad and I still triggered back to those days when I woke up worried about him and was going to call him but TRUSTED him...and it turned out that I shouldn't have.

I am just so broken lately. There must be something in the air...I still sometimes wonder if we will make it at all...will I ever be able to not only forgive, but truly move past it all.

Again, thank you for letting me vent. I know I will get over this, and that I just need to breathe!!!!! I just needed to write it all down as well.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Oh my True...I have only read your first paragraph and that is what I have been feeling since last Saturday. Worse on Monday and Tuesday. What is up with us?

Okay, now I have read your post...makes me cry.
I feel like now at times we are conditioned to the worst and the fear of all of this happening is what we can't move past.

I wish there was just something magical a WS could say to a BS whenever they see us feeling like this. They would say it and our ears would be blessed by their words and we could say back "okay, we're okay now".

Like I have said before True, they may never know our true pain, so therefore they can move forward and legitimately feel something is "wrong" with us because we can't move forward completely or as quickly.

Chin up. Your anger is your hurt. That's all anger is. How you express it is what we all need to work on.

Peace,
holiday

Ditto here! My H and I talked last night and it didn't go well. I told him all I need is behavior and I'm out...I'm not going to be sitting around waiting for another affair while he is out to all hours of the night...like last time. I told him he completely disregarded my feelings, which is what he used to do and that it was totally disrespectful. He kept disagreeing with me that he was behaving and did nothing inappropriate.

So I ended it with "I learned my lesson last time compromising my feelings for you. I'm not doing it again. So I hope you learned your lesson and don't do that to me, cause I'm not going to sit around while you prep yourself for another A." He went on to say that He is being the man God has called him to be and I cut him off and said "Really?! God wants you a married Christian man hanging out at bars til 2 in the morning?! I thought God didn't want us to conform to this world. That's the God I know and hear." and he said nothing. We went to bed and he woke up early this morning saying he couldn't sleep. He is in a pissy mood. He just left for his men's bible study this morning. I'm sure it will be the topic of conversation.

I wonder if we are going to make it too.
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