2,

Interesting experience with your H. I think I have had the same. I think that is why I said I no longer have the expectations about marriage that I used to have. I will make the best of what I have and cherish the time I have as a whole family. I will never be the same woman who loved her husband with complete trust...but I do love him. He will never be the same man in my eyes...and to be honest, part of me is glad. He has changed some of his ways to the better, but I now know that he is not some fairytale man, who loves me so completely, that he could turn away temptation.

As for my post earlier...I wasn't necessarily talking a revenge affair. Just revenge in anyway...I mean the fact that he slept with another woman does not bother me as much as the hurt he inflicted upon me. Having only a physical experience, for me, would not be revenge towards my H.

I think I am getting past the revenge part in a way, b/c when I have the opportunity to jab at him, I hold my tongue nowadays. Sometimes the ugly beast comes out, but usually I keep it at bay. I would say in the beginning of this, I would say things that really hurt him, and I did not care, b/c I was so hurt. Now, I care. I am going to be with this man for as long as he is faithful, so, why should I continue to hurt him?

Anyway, I am glad that you had fun on your trip 2. And Holiday, if you pop in, I hope your trip was nice too.

TTYL

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi! Rocked I feel you. I find myself fantazing about an A all the time. It kind of scares me and I too pray for that strength from God. What else can we do?

I may see OW Friday as I will be at my H job for an event. She will be working so I may or may not see her. I never did respond to her e-mail apology. Anyway, I have no interest in taking revenge on her...life has done that already. And as far as my H, I think I quit with the remarks because 1) It made things bad and 2) because even the comments will never hurt as much as he hurt me.

MC was good this morning. I think we might be nearing the end. We talked about my disconnect this week and my H brought it up because he totally picked up on it. My MC actually congratulated me for doing that. She said it was the wise thing to do considering I knew I was heading into MAJOR trigger territory. I didn't allow myself to feel and that in certain situations (like this one around family and stuff) that is the best thing to do as to keep the peace and enjoy the time. So she said as long as I don't stay that way, it was OK to do for this situation. Seeing as there was no sex all week and once we got home last night we did, I guess I'm willing to "feel" again now that most of the triggers are out of the way.

Here is the thing that sucks! I'll spend all week worked up about possibly seeing her. If I don't it will be a bad week anyway in anticipation and if I do, then it will be two bad weeks. I hope you guys are still praying that she leaves.

Anyway, tons to do today since I've been gone. Great checking in again with you. I missed you!
2

hey only a sec here. home very very late last night and with a severe stomach ache from yesterday. better today, but now a bit of a headache (no i didn't drink that much!). i just don't think i was used to all the great food and fun since working out with a trainer over the past 3 months (tough to get healthy and want to eat my old ways).
i will check on you all a bit later.
great trip,
holiday

Holiday,

Glad to hear from you! Sorry about your tummy, though. That stinks!

2 and Rocked,

I think every BS fantasizes about having an affair of their own at least once, don't you? It scares me as well. My H has told me over and over that he expects this to happen one day, and he is so afraid that I will find somebody to fall in love with who has not hurt me and will make me leave him. I tell him that I would not do that(but as Holiday once said, never say never). He also thinks that if this ever did happen, he would deserve it. He says anything I ever do to him from this point out is his just reward. He has destroyed my life, so his life should be destroyed as well.

I tell him that he is ridiculous. Do any of your spouses feel this way? Do they think that they get what they deserve? I have seen former WS on here that have become BS and they are sooo surprised that their spouse could do that to them. I just think...how can you be so devestated/surprised when you did the exact same thing???? Yes, I know that there is never an excuse for an affair, but really, how can they be surprised?

My H, I think, is so awesome in the fact that he seems like the most remorseful and hardworking WS(of course we are all biased, huh??). I just look at him and wonder why he could not see me in this light before. I finally feel like I am the only woman he wants and needs. He also looks at some of the WS on this board and thinks...get over yourself, you hurt your spouse in such a horrific way...how could you possibly be saying anything negative against them? I appreciate when he says this, b/c I can see that he does see the pain BS feel.

I also think that we would all take extra precautions against some of the red flags that indicate an affair could happen. We are on the lookout, right? I mean, before all this, I would have never thought twice about having a relationship with another guy, or my H being friends with other women. Now, I know how to look at friends and see if they are there for us( as a couple), or just themselves. I could see the attraction the OW had for my H just by the words he spoke...but I also thought he had the love and respect for me to tell her no. I was wrong in that respect..but also wrong in allowing her to get that close to him in the first place without butting in. I had never let that happen in the past. I was always the guarddog when other women were around...letting them see how much we did love and respect each other..even showing us as a family. Of course, this woman did meet our oldest daughter..but never me. I could kick myself for that! And yes, I know that it probably would have made no difference whatsoever...but can't help kicking myself anyway.

Well, another long post from True. I should learn to cut back, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Nice to have you all back!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My H has NEVER mentioned the possiblity of me having an A...ever. I wonder why? Perhaps he thinks nobody wants me?! Perhaps he is afraid of my answer? I don't know.

Anyway, as I mentioned we talked on the ride home and I got an opportunity to make a point that I was wondering if you all feel the same about. He told me he felt I would always view him as "flawed" and I said "not exactly". Actually for me it is more like here are 2 people: husband 1 and husband 2. Husband 1 is the man I thought I married, who would never hurt me or betray me. I loved that man! Then there is husband 2, the man I really married. He has all the same characteristic as husband 1, but this one hurt me and betrayed me. I don't love him like I love husband 1, but he is mine and I his and I accept him this way even though I totally miss husband 1. Does that make sense? Do any of you feel this way about your spouse?

2

True, good comments about red flags and having a greater awareness of situations that could lead to potential affairs. If we all had been that aware prior to our spouse's flings things might have ended up differently.

2, I think we all feel that our spouse #1 (the one who vowed to "forsake all others") has died and spouse #2 has replaced him/her. The key as I see it is "choosing" to love #2 and starting a new chapter of life.

[color:"blue"] 2, it is interesting that your H aked you that, b/c my H asked me something similar. I think I agree with both you and Rocked on this one. #1 H is dead..he is gone, but the memory does remain...and for the most part it is a sweet one(in my case). #2 is here and loves me more than I have felt in a very long time. I try to remember when I look at him that he is not H #1 but H #2. He resembles the dead H but is so much more loving, caring, and giving. I will never trust #2 like I did #1...but like I said, before...I don't expect the same things from this man. It is a choice to love your "new" man; Rocked is right. It is also ok to grieve the loss of your old one...but there comes a day when you say to yourself...I don't need #1 anymore, b/c I WANT #2. Your H and mine, are very alike in the fact that they are breaking their backs to prove their remorse and to never do it again..and they are dealing with some angry, hurt, and "stubborn" women, who are having a hard time letting go. If they hadn't cheated on us to cause all of this "stubborness" I would say that they are angels. I suppose even Satan was an angel wasn't he? Oooopps...that was a bad jab...sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, Rocked, I think I will give all marrying couples I know the book His Needs/Her Needs, or some other book like that. Hindsight is 20/20...but I sure wish I would have had it in the beginning. I wish I could give every couple "Not Just Friends", b/c that is an awesome book to point out what could happen in those "friendships" we all take for granted. However, I do not think most people would welcome a book about infidelity when they are just beginning married life together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, off to do some more housework...a mother's work is never done <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

edited to change yucky orange color I had before <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I think the percentages of marriages that are rocked by affairs goes to show newly married couples (actually pre-marriage) DO need some book and talk-time concerning infidelity. (Starry-eyed as they may be!!)

Do you do windows? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My best friend is getting married in Oct to a guy she met on the internet. They have dated for a year now and by all accounts he is fine.

She has been "our" friend for the 11 years we were together because she knew me when I met my H. She was truly shocked to learn my H did this because she (like me) didn't think he was capable of such a thing. But how do you tell her to look out for that when she is getting married? Nobody could have told me to read a book about infidelity that I would have taken seriously at that time. Actually, I might have been offended like "What kind of a man do you think I'm marrying here!?" So I don't know any tactful way to address the subject.

We did do pre MC through our church and then through our pastor friend. They had us address issues like how many kids and how to discipline them and where we would spend holidays and what our money spending habits were like. Neither one touched the subject of infidelty but to say not to do it.

I too wish there was something I could say or do or find a book to recommend to soon to be marrieds. If any of you come accross a good one, let me know.

True, I am truly happy that you see Husband #2 loving you more than #1. I don't see it that way at all. My H loves me, yes but I feel like I was more loved than I do now. He treats me the same and in some ways is more complimentary, but there is something about knowing he chose another woman over me for almost a year that makes it impossible for me to feel loved by him period most of the time, let alone more.

Anyway, Rocked you back in MC? How is the sex life going with the W? Hope I'm not getting too personal. Just want to know what is going on with you.
2

I would be very frank with engaged couples saying that although they may see no possibility of an affair in their future they still need to know what some of the common causes and reasons are for affairs. (Unmet needs, unresolved conflict, toxic marriage environment created by both partners, workaholism, lack of hard boundaries, deception in various forms, lack of real communication, etc.) BTW, these are not from any particular book...just my own experience.

No, haven't been back to MC. And yes, the other question is too personal.

I was reaquainted with an old friend recently by email. Thought I'd never connect with this person again. Made me think how much of my past is still really good to think about. People to appreciate. Memories to cherish. Experiences for which to be thankful.

My advice today...don't let the bad that has happened linger as a distraction from the good that we can enjoy. As we all know...it's a choice WE have to make daily!!

Hey Rocked, Glad you are having a good day. Mine sucks. Went to a park today that I haven't been to since discovery of the phone bill which followed with D-day several weeks later. Basically, the beginning of the end.

I also have been filled with dread about possibly seeing her Friday. I knew this would happen. Having a lousy day.
2

2,

I am sorry you had a bad day. Those suck big time!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can understand your dread about Friday. Remember...she is not after your H anymore...he loves you and is YOURS. Keep your head high and know that you are the better woman, friend, lover, and heck, human being in general!

I will be praying for you.

True

Hey guys,
Feeling better. Back to the gym yesterday to kick (my) *ss! Ha!
Hmmm, went back and read all your posts. I haven't contemplated an affair since any of my H's affairs. And why would I? I hope to never be on either side of the sitch again.
Glad to hear that you are keeping your spirits up.
Had a wonderful time with H on the bike trip. His eyes tell me alot these days. He looks at me with a twinkle.
Sorry 2 about this Friday. Yes, keep your head up. Remember, your H was using (sad to say this about him though) her for a year and she let him (sick girl). She's got nothing on you, remember that.
I will keep you all in my prayers. And Rocked, this is the first I have heard you say any of us was being "too personal"...soooo, how the heck is your intimate, night time, with wife, life doing? (Was that better phrased? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)
holiday

Holiday,

I was wondering where you got to! I am glad you are feeling better, and back at the gym. You would be proud of me. I have been running at night around our pond. My hubby and kids come with me and stand at one end...when I complete a lap my hubby gives me a kiss, a swig of water, and an ecouraging word. Hee hee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Also, I have to say that I think you are a truly unique individual..and I mean that in the best possible way. I have not heard many other BS say that they have NEVER thought about a revenge affair. That really says a lot about you. I do not think many act on those thoughts( although I am beginning to wonder...I read a lot about it), but there is usually a fleeting moment, ususally when angry, when a lot of people just want to get even, ya know?


2,

Are you doing better today? I hope so. I know that it is tough, and I am with ya. We just need to remember where we are and know that even though we don't feel it at times...we ARE stronger for all of this. We are learning. I TRULY believe that there is a reason for EVERYTHING...we might not know it, but there is. Yes, there is even a reason for hurt, murder, and betrayal. Sometimes wonderful things can happen out of the most evil of acts....if you just stay strong and keep your mind on the future that is in store for you.

Rocked, yeah...I thought the same thing as Holiday. When did anything get too personal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

TTYL!!!!!!!!!

True

What is this? Gang-up on Rocked Day? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I didn't know we were into Dr. Ruth interviews. Suffice it to say I am progressing in all areas of my life. Thank you for caring.

True, what a neat thing for your H to do when you run. If my W ran like that I'd let her know where in the fridge she could find a water bottle when she got done. Seriously, I'd give her a kiss and swig of water too...once my TV show finished! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you True!
And great you're running. I miss running. Too hot here and too boring in the gym.
Rocked, dis is Dr Ruth speaking...let go!!!! Give it up. Something's a miss here with you, what's up? I can feel it.
holiday

OK, OK, whoopie is GREAT! Wild and passionate. Every hour on the hour! Except on Sundays when I rest. There! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What's the next topic?

Good morning guys. Off to six flags today with my daughter, niece and son. Good thing Grandma will be joining me. It is hotter than fish grease and I'm tired as heck. But I press on!

Actually I'm getting ready to go running. I was thinking last night when I was doing my weights at 10:30 at night because I hadn't got a chance to do it before, how important working out has become for me. Even on vacation last week, I went running on the beach twice. It has in some way become an escape for me (like my scrapbooking) and now I can't wait to do it. You'd be proud of me too holiday!

Feeling better? I don't know. Yesterday I sent him an e-mail and asked him to make sure his department knew I'd be coming by with the kids tomorrow so that she might be curtious enough to be gone during that time...she's done that before. He wrote me back and said "Sorry you are having a bad day." I thought "what the hell kind of answer is that!" Because I don't want to see your mistress and have to NOW strategize every time I come to his office doesn't mean necessarily that I'm having a bad day. I just wrote him back and said "It is what it is." That kind of made me mad. It isn't a bad day...it is a fact of life...DORK!

Anyway, Rocked glad things are better. Last night I cried myself to sleep. Not over the A per se, but just felt glum and during prayer got very emotional and ended up crying myself to sleep. I realized last night during prayer that things like today (amusement park) last week (like vacation) and just the daily things in life, don't bring me the pleasure and fulfillment they once did. It makes me very sad, because I feel like I'm not quite 'doing my job' with a loving heart because half the times, the kids work my nerves, cooking is a drag and all I want to do is scrapbook or go work out. I gave that to God last night and hope he'll bring me back to that place.

Anyway, you guys have a great day. I'll be frying at six flags!
2

2, good for you too!!! Running is so good for the spriit.
On another note... Your H's email was nice in my book...sorry you took it as a little less. Remember, all in all, you are dealing with a man (sorry Rocked). But, with men "simplicity" is the key. He doesn't always know when you want a long, touching on your feelings email. Even after all you have been through.
Men are short and sweet with an occasional "what the heck was that" mush at times.
Okay Rocked, something is not right. What is up? If you like you can email me [email]sncento@yahoo.com.[/email] You need some counseling with ol holiday. I am here if you need me.
Have you guys noticed how many overseas affairs are happening here on MB do to the Iraq sitch? I just don't understand why in times of "imminate death" sitch's people don't cling to their life partners. Stress is a wicked animal.