Hi guys....

Holiday was correct, I am far from healed. Even my H is taken aback when I say that b/c he has seen such a positive change in me lately, but some of your thoughts are very similar to mine in my really down moments. I usually choose to pull out of them, but completely understand what you are saying.

Today for example is a rough one. I do not really want to get into it, b/c it seems so silly...but something my H said today just hurt me to the very core...and he thought he was giving me a compliment. That is what I hate the most about all of this...that everything he says(ok...not everything, that was a bit dramatic)cannot be taken as just a compliment, or as the truth. He has already proven his true feelings to me about that time period. I am extremely grateful that he feels certain ways about me now, but it hurts like *ell that he did not hold me in such high regard when it really mattered...when he was tested...b/c I held him there. I loved this man so much, I just don't understand what happened that made him forget his love for me, and that I meant so much to him...

See, 2, we can all be down sometimes...I often feel like a complete failure and worthless twit. I know I will pull myself up from this day, and I should choose that right now...but sometimes, I can't make that choice for some reason.

I am glad you are feeling better, BTW.

Holiday, hope things have gotten back on track at your house since the trip. I am glad your Hubby was so supportive of you and reminded you of his love and devotion.

TTYL!

True

Yes, True, I feel ya honey!

I am pulling myself up by making his favorite dinner tonight. He doesn't know it, but it was this very day that I asked him if he was cheating on me with OW and he denied it. I knew something was terribly wrong. Truthfully, I thought my marriage was over. So I guess I should be glad that a year later, we are in recovery.

Did you tell your H what he said hurt you? I still struggle between knowing when to keep my mouth shut and knowing when to express my feelings. I still really struggle with that.

Anyway, have a great day!
2

Always tell them when the hurt you. Find the right words to do it. On Tuesday I think I just "blurted" it out too harshly and it struck a bad note. Not what I meant to do, but it came out that way anyway.

I forget that people can't read my mind, no matter how much they know me.

Hey Guys,

Tomorrow (Sat.) is very busy for me as we are hosting a end of the summer bbq for some friends. I love to entertain so I'm hoping I can keep my spirits up all day. Then Sunday we leave for vacation. We were supposed to take off Monday, but decided to go a day early. We both felt we needed it! So I won't be around till next weekend.

As always I will think of you and pray for you. Chat when I get back!

God bless!
2

Hey 2, sorry not to have caught you sooner.
Hope you have/had a great trip.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Peace and Love,
holiday

Hey Holiday,

Looks like just me and you this week! How are you doing? I am doing well. I am over that sadness that hit Friday, but it sparked a conversation with my H. He asked if I still cried everyday. I told him not everyday...but he asked for a percentage, and I said about 90% of days I still cry and if you include the days that I feel like crying but just can't do it...it goes back up to everyday. I did not want to tell him this...b/c he feels awful about what he did already, but we both feel that honesty is the best policy. I told him that the cries are not as long and sorrowful as they once were(usually), but a tear does come to my eye over this or that.

Am I just stupid for still crying? I try to push it out most of the time, and try to not let him see me cry when I can help it...but sometimes it is so hard. I told him that it will get better, but I think he thinks he has ruined my life forever, and will not believe me when I say no.

Anyway, my middle daughter rode the bus to school for the first time today...another reason to cry, but a better one:D I watched her get on there, and could not help feel a pull on my heart. Now it is only me and the little one...some nice mommy/daughter time for her too!

Hope all is well in Sin City! I will chat with you later.


True

Hi True,
I believe the days of crying will pass. I now just get this "look" (that's what my H calls it anyway). He says he knows what I am thinking about when I have this stare/glazed look when we are out somewhere or home doing something together sometimes.
It's those darn "triggers".
Have a great day with the "little one".
I will chat with you later,
holiday

True,
I cried when I delivered my son (then 13 yrs old) to his first day at his new Middle School when we moved to our area. The school had over 2,500 students and was known to be a "rough" school. And he's so tender-hearted. (Like his Dad!) As parents we will continue to have those moments. For me next it'll be his high school graduation this coming May, then college, etc. Oh yeah, and this doesn't even take into consideration my other two younger children.

Update...my W and I are doing very well.

P.S.- Since I posted does this mean 2 will go back to describing this as a group of 3?

Hey we've been 3!!!
Love,
holiday
Good to read you're doing well.

Maybe in spirit but not in 2's description from several days ago. Just funnin' with ya'll anyway. Glad to know I'm still "in". I wouldn't want to miss that pool party in Vegas some day.

ROCKED!!!!! Wow...long time no hear!

I am so glad to hear that you and your wife are doing well. That is very good news indeed.

Holiday, how are you doing this week?

I am doing good too. Tired from staying awake late with hubby and getting up early to get kiddies ready...but am feeling pretty good otherwise!

Hope you all are doing super!

TTYL

True

Good Morning True and Rocked if you are still here!

Not much to post. Doing well. Back feeling better since I lowered my magnesium dosage (became my own doc here).

I've been pretty tired too. My youngest is a junior in high school this year...yes, the time passes too quickly.

holiday

Holiday,

Since my oldest is a senior in HS I guess that makes me a "spring chicken!" Youngest is in 5th grade. That just made me feel good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Glad I can help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

[color:"blue"] Well, I could make you feel really old if you need that feeling back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.....ha ha ha.

In all seriousness, Rocked, I hope the hurricane is not causing you many problems. I have friends who were supposed to visit the panhandle this weekend...I don't think they are in for much luck <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Holiday, Hope the heat is not killing you out there. I remember those Utah days very well. Are the swap coolers popular out there too? We LOVED ours, but a lot of people I knew did not like the humidity. We felt we needed it since we were from Chicago( which is EXTREMELY humid) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> !

Had another rough day yesterday...it was all about MY selfishness though, so I cannot hold that against my H...no matter how hard I try. He held me this morning, but said he could tell that I was still holding on to some resentment from yesterday, and that I was just "allowing" him to cuddle with me. I suppose that is true...I guess we all go through times when we are just tired of giving( and I do not mean just the BS, the WS too), and the TAKER in us takes over.

Anyway, I hope 2 is having a super time on her vacation and that it has given her some much need peace and closeness with her H.....I wish that for you all as well...peace, happiness, closeness, and unbelievable love with your spouse.


TTYL!!!!!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Good Morning True!
No, don't need to feel any older, thank you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Yes, I hope 2 is really enjoying her vacation. I meant to ask her if she was taking this one with or without children. Hopefully half and half.

I am reading NOT Just Friends. Very helpful book. I hope 2 might read it someday.

Rocked, I will say a little pray for you and all those down Katrina's way.

Have a wonderful Friday,

holiday

Hey, thanks for the concern and prayers. Looks like Katrina is heading farther west than expected so my area should be relatively fine. Some rain and light wind. Let's pray for those in the panhandle and north from there.

True, Keep on healing, girl! You've been an inspiration and tool of healing to so many. I pray God gives you an extra measure of His grace to cope and heal.

James 1:2-4 has encouraged me recently. Read it and consider how God works to produce maturity in His children.

Maitland, FL should have beat that team from Vista, CA!

What Ca won? Our cable went out near the end of the game.
Those kids were awesome!

Hi Guys,

Yes, I'm back! We had a great vacation. Took the kids to all of San Diego. We did hire a sitter one night and got dinner alone. Plus we got time to ourselves. He golfed and I spa-ed!

Anyway, I realized just today reflecting on the vacation a couple of things. I don't like who I've become since my H affair. I find that I'm very critical of not just me...but other strange people. I would catch myself constantly while standing in line, comparing myself to people around me. I am prettier than that lady, my outfit is cutier, I can't believe she is wearing that! that guys is way better looking than his wife. I NEVER used to do that. In fact it is a characteristic of my mother that irritates me. I guess the difference is I think it...she says it.

I also kept fighting to feel grateful for this trip and my marriage back. I used to be sooooo grateful. I NEVER wished I had this or that, looked better or was thinner, that my H did this that or the other. Now I find myself wanting this purse, that outfit, wanting a tummy tuck, wishing my H did this or that. I NEVER was that way either. I'm sure it comes from all the comparing I find myself doing to other people now. I'm sure that comes from the fact that the core of my confidence in who I was was rocked. How do I get that back? I hate being this way. The desire to constantly improve my appearance is beginning to consume me. I don't want to end up like the woman who I used to frown upon who would have collectors calling their house, while they were shopping or getting their nails done!

I think too, I'm fishing for compliments all the time to make me feel better. I get them too...especially since my working out has really paid off. It seems like every week I run into someone I haven't seen in a while and they remark "WOW! You look great!" I guess I really had let my appearance go. But now, it's consuming me.

This Friday I will be at my H job for an event and as ALWAYS the fear of seeing her has gripped me already. I came home last night and this morning first thing I did was check my closet to make sure I have something cute to wear. I NEVER did this stuff before. But since he cheated on me with average chick, I can't help but think average chick is somehow prettier than me (especially if she is white). I hate it!

The other interesting thing is that I used my H laptop computer while on our vacation to check in on you guys...wanted to make sure nothing MAJOR had happened (glad it hadn't). As I was typing in the marriage builders website, it came up as though my H had already typed it in or had been to the site. I think he is reading here still and not telling me. I guess I don't care, but I am not sure why he wouldn't tell me. Should I confront him?

Well, I don't mean to make my vacation sound like it was bad, because it wasn't. But like True posted the issues are mine now. And it does make me mad sometimes because they probably wouldn't have become issues had he not cheated. I keep praying that God will change my mind and thoughts because I am so unhappy at how shallow and superficial I've become. The things that led my H right into his A. I hope just being aware that I am will keep me on guard and in constant prayer that it will go away. I don't think my H ever admitted how shallow and materialistic he'd become...therefore he didn't pray about it or put up his guard.

Anyway, I've made up for lost time by posting a long one. Just my thoughts of the vacation.

2

Glad you are home safe and had a wonderful trip.
I feel alot of the time you do especially since my H second A.
I will re read your post tomorrow and see if I can offer any help.
Love,
holiday