2,

Sorry it took me so long to post back at ya. I am glad that your vacation was good. I am sorry that you feel that way about yourself. There are many things about the post-A True that I do not like as well, but at least we know there are some qualities that we need to work past.

I think I must be the only BS to have GAINED weight through all of this. Even though I am exercising way more than I did in the beginning of all this...I keep gaining. I think it is emotional eating...b/c I don't feel like I have eaten more...but a lot of times with emotional eating you don't even realize you are eating. I am fatter than I have ever been...it does not help me get over those feelings of being unattractive at all, and knowing that I will never measure up to the physical beauty of the OW( at least you have "average girl"...I have the "most beautiful girl he ever was friends" with to get past...which I have most of the time...but not always).

Well, I did not mean to ramble. I hope you do well this week with going into the office...I know that must be tough. I will be thinking of you!

Holiday and Rocked...hope all is well.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I've gained weight too.

Sorry to hear you gained weight. That has been the only silver lining I've found in this DARK, DARK cloud was I lost weight. My H has gained quite a bit though. He is the biggest he's ever been. He used to be Mr. Work-out...all 11 years I've known him. Now he hasn't worked out since right after d-day. He's turning to blubber (like me) but he still looks good to me.

It is an issue I've struggled with all my life...never feeling like I was pretty enough, or thin enough. It probably stems from the fact that I was one of only a few black girls at my school and I always thought that the guys preferred the white girls even if they weren't "prettier" than me. Then my H goes and does the same thing. I don't know how I'll ever feel pretty again. After landing a GREAT looking guy who could have had a white girl if he wanted to, but he chose me...at a time when physically (because of other issues) I was not all that beautiful. I was super thin though (the thinnest I'd ever been when we met) and that stays in the back of my head that I have to get thinner. I now his girlfriend before me wasn't thin, but the OW was super tiny and I guess she's gotten even thinner.

Anyway, it is a horrible feeling, I hate it and it stays with me all the time.

I'm off for a run!
2

Okay you guys...You need to read (well maybe not Rocked of course, but his wife could) the book called "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. Very insightful.

Please, True and 2, don't dwell too much on the "weight" issue. H's in general don't marry women because they are considered "hot chicks" (or white hot chicks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) they marry or seek out, women who make them feel good about themselves and give them their attention. I truly believe this is a man's world (Rock you Rock!)

Have you ever seen the movie "Dangerous Liasons" (my favorite). One women said it all in one sentence... "Men are made happy by the happiness they feel (from women) and women are made happy by the happiness they give (to men)". I feel men seek admiration and respect outside of their marriages when they feel their spouses don't feel highly about them (no excuse here for an A, but a possible reason). Perhaps this is what makes a marriage vunerable to an A. Sex outside the marriage then becomes a perk once the OW "glorifies" the WH.

Women on the other hand, seek feelings of being needed and wanted. Once they have sex with the OM they may feel committed to him and pull away from their H's.

Anyway, you all are beautiful! Thin, not too thin, plain or not. It's all in how we treat people. Radiate respect for others with a kind heart and you can only grow more beautiful.

Have a great afternoon,

holiday

Just had a major meltdown...triggered by nothing imparticular.

Rocked, I know you don't post often anymore, which I take as a good sign. How have you been able to stop reeling from the pain? Can you please share any coping techniques that are working for you? You said you and your wife were doing well.

2

2,

I am sooo sorry about your meltdown. I know how those go...and usually I cannot tell you what triggers the major ones either. Could it be that you tried so hard last week to be happy that all that emotion has finally released itself as a meltdown? Plus, you probably are having some anxiety about seeing then OW on Friday. I hope you are feeling better this morning.

Holiday,

I know all the society type things of being thin, and I also know that our mates don't usually stay with us or have affairs, or leave us all together just b/c we get fat...but it does not help me when I know that MY H naturally prefers very thin women. He always has, and was very upset when I started gaining weight...I have always felt extremely lucky that he stayed with me all these years knowing that I am not what he finds physically attractive. He does find me attractive, but it has more to do with the "love is blind" type attractive. He thinks my face is pretty, and loves my personality, but I am not physically appealing to him( just for the record, he says I am beautiful daily...this is just the vibe I get). It is also very hard for me( and yes, I know that it should not matter) that he found the OW VERY physically attractive( remember...most beautiful girl line), and also found her emotionally attractive. She had the whole package. Yes, there are other things that were lacking there...and yes, the emotionally attractive thing was based on illusion...but I will never be able to match her physical beauty...and no matter what I read or what other's say...or what I believe...I cannot undo that reality.

That all sounds really depressing, and I am not feeling like that right now...I guess that part will always hurt a little.


Yes, Rocked, share your coping techniques. I hope you and your wife are still doing well.

Hope you all have a good day....TTYL!!!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

True,

Why do you think you have gained alot of weight since you've been married?

I am considered "thin" by most of my peers, yet my reality is that I am not.

I came from a family with a Father who didn't dote on his daughters, rather he put us down alot. Still does to this very day (exactly one week ago when I had dinner with my parents while they were visiting in Las Vegas) my Father made a negative comment about my body. I thought, gee, we almost made it through 2 whole hours without a comment, but as we left the restaurant he made the comment as I walked ahead of him.

I feel his "words" had shaped how I felt about myself even 48 years later. Sad. I was 40 before I realized it was "his" problem and not to be taken personally. The words still do haunt me at times, but I try not to listen to them.

True and 2, I think you are still holding these OW in high status compared to yourselves. Again, I don't think your H's had an A with them because they were "thin". These OW by both of your posts from the begining sound more like women who seek out "married men" in peticular. Their allure is their sex appeal and ego boosting trips they give to men. The fact that they couldn't get them to permanently leave their wives and families and they still aren't married themselves, says alot.

holiday

Hey Guys,

Better today. Just some prayer requests please. 1) my cousin in New Orleans and his 10 year old son haven't been heard from in days. They refused to evacuate (tells you the kind of idiot person he is), but because EVERYTHING is shut down, he may be fine, just unable to reach anybody. 2) My H is in negotiations with a guy to start a business. Found out today the guy is a Christian (due to the urging of our MC, my H approached him on the subject today and was delighted to see this man has a very active Christian life). We need prayer for guidance that this IS the move we need to make. 3) My MC today asked me to gather prayer (especially Friday) since I'm going to my H job. The last few times I've been to his job, I have not seen her. Can't be sure I will this time either. But the fear of seeing her and the humiliation I still feel around those who know always creep up while I'm there, often ruining what should otherwise be a great time. Please pray that the feelings are replaced with those God wants me to have...feeling loved, accepted and important in HIS (God's) eyes.

I will update you all on these subjects. Thanks for the prayers.
2

2,

Of course I will pray for you. I hope you hear some positive news about your cousin too. It amazes me that people decided to stay, but I suppose if you have never been through that, you might think it is just a lot of hype. We got some hurricanes in North Carolina..but since I was inland, the usually only were tropical storms...we never dealt with a category 5. I could not imagine that.

I am just curious, why was it so important that the man was a Christian? Does your H feel that Christians are more honest and loyal in business? Is that why the MC urged him to ask??? I hope not. I didn't understand that part...but will still pray for that, too.

As for tomorrow, my prayers have been with you all week. I would hope this woman would have enough sense to stay clear of you guys...but then again she did go after him in the first place, so maybe not. I hope for your sake, she has learned.

Holiday,

If it is true that this is a man's world and I am here to please them...well, then I better just enter a convent...b/c that will never happen. I believe that it HAS been a man's world...but not that it SHOULD be. I fight that all the time. I am placed on this earth to be pleased as well as to please others...if I though that I was here to please my H...then why would I be so upset by his affair?? It would be his right...he was just being pleased by a woman. I am sorry...I just don't agree.

As for my weight, I was the skinniest when I met my H...but have basically been heavy my whole life. I started gaining after high school...and was pretty fat when we got married. So, he has had to live with me like this a lot. Then I actually did lose 50 lbs before my last baby was born...but gained it back, plus 30 more. I try as hard as I can...but it does not seem to budge. I am going to the doctor today about it. Wish me luck.

Anyway, I will check in later. Hope both of you are having super days!!!


True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

2, My prayers are for your family and all that were in Katrina's path. And for you this week in reference to your H's workplace.

True,
I don't believe it to be a "man's world" as to he is the only one to be pleased. EPHESIANS 22-33. He will be pleased and vise versa through respect that is earned by both H and W. Did you ever have the chance to read "Love and Respect"?

About your weight. Your H married you as you were. Men don't marry to "change" you (unlike women, we think we can), so I believe he found you beautiful heavy or thin. Your weight issue, I feel, is holding back from healing. Yes, check with your doctor. You might have a sluggish thyroid etc.

No he doesn't. He CHOOSES to live with you like this alot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Have a wonderful Thursday,

holiday

Hey Guys,

True, to answer your question about my H potential business partner being Christian is in reference to being equally yoked as urged in the Bible. When you enter into a business partnership, in some ways it is like a marriage. Decisions have to be made together, compromise will have to be reached. So it is important that you go into business (or marriage) with a like minded person. Since being a Christian is an important part of my H life, he'll need someone who will honor his decision to pray about a decision or wait on God's timing for something. This guy will understand that and honor that (hopefully) more than a non-Christian.

While we're praying, let's pray for better leadership in this country. Bush "ended" his vacation early so that he could get involved in the worst national disaster to hit the United States after 3 days of vacationing while millions of Americans are homeless, hungry and destitute. I fail to see the Christian heart in this man who has managed to manipulate the majority of Christian Americans into believing he values their beliefs. Feed the hungry, clothes the poor, help the sick. Not while he's on vacation! It is too much to ask that he take a first hand look at the suffering in the South before his vacation ends so that he can see the STUPID numbers he rattled off this morning about 130,000 blankets being on the way isn't going to do a damn thing for MILLIONS of homeless. We still haven't heard from my cousin.

I didn't vote for him, but accept him as our President and he needs LOTS of prayer. Thanks for letting me vent!

Thanks
2

That actually makes sense 2. I was just a little worried that your H and maybe your MC thought that only Christians would be good business partners...which I think we all know that Christians can be just as shady as the next person. Thanks for responding.

I won't get into the political thing....but I will state that I completely agree. I have even told this to my daughter, b/c she knows that I really do not like him...I say, I may not like him or what direction he is taking our country, but I still need to pray for him and what he does. Remember you are to pray for your enemies as well.

Again, I am sorry to hear about your cousin.

Holiday, I think deep down I knew what you were saying...but I am a very strong headed woman when it comes to those things.

My weight issue came long before my H's affair..I know he loves me and finds me to be beautiful...it truly is an issue that I need to work through. I went to the doctor, and we are going to check my thyroid...especially since my whole paternal side has thyroid problems! He also is perscribing some medication...just to get me started...I think that will help with some of the eating...and as I heal more, the emotional stuff will stop too.

Also, my H went to the doc today and we got some disturbing news. It is not serious, and we are definitely getting a second opinion as this doctor did not perform any tests....just diagnosed( how moronic can you be???) so, I will ask for prayers also. 1. That we find a good doctor who will do his job well. and 2. That all ends up being ok.


Thanks for being great friends!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OH! I was going to show this to you guys...first let me say that I am not into Astrology...but I do sometimes look for fun. Today was eerie...look at what it said...


[color:"blue"] It might not be possible to entirely understand that certain someone who affected every aspect of your life. You might still be caught up in trying to lay the blame about everything that happened, or make sense of it in some way. It's time to let go and live, because thanks to them, you now know enough to take an emotional chance that, paradoxically enough, will add to your overall sense of security. -[/color]

OK...tell me that is not eerie. I sometimes think that I am supposed to see things like this....but like I said...I don't really believe in Astrology. Oh well...it is a good thought no matter what.

Okay, True, I wrote that. Okay, I didn't, but that is what I have been thinking for all of us. I feel this way lately. I need to get moving again. I sometimes get stuck in my thoughts too much, especially when H is away working (FEMA teams were deployed yesterday to the south and H is pulling OT big time).

Something else is scaring me lately and I'm afraid it's bigger than the gas crunch and the hurricanes. The Pres didn't help too much today. I thought first on the agenda to these poor hurricane victims would be to have COMMUNICATION and fresh water. They are all so scared and don't know where to turn. (I didn't vote for Bush either, don't care for him, but too pray for him to make better decisions, we'll see).

My mother talked to her sister today who was sharing her frustation at how long help is taking. The situation continues to worsen as the body count comes in and fear of disease has started.

My cousin remains missing, but we remain hopeful as survivors continue to just now be rescued and are pouring into the airport/make shift hospital.

thanks for your prayers.
2

In answer to your question as to my coping techniques... hmmm...no strategy from a MC or outside source really. Mainly prayer and the grace of God. If I led you to believe that all is healed or I never think about or am affected by the memories then I am sorry for misleading you. I still struggle. But I am choosing to think about the new "us" and the work God is doing. My W truly is a changed person. I am too. One other thing that has helped I think is getting involved in the lives of other people and their struggles. I find that in "giving" I end up "receiving."

Misc comments: I don't believe this is a man's world. Overweight women can be very sexy. Christians in business...it's their actions not their beliefs that make the difference. Dads sometimes say some pretty sucky things to their kids. 2, I will pray for your cousin and everyone else in the wake of Katrina. Even if I don't post, I read.

We heard from my cousin last night. He was in Houston after being rescued off the roof of his mother (my aunt's) house which is in 8ft of water. He was living upstairs with his son. Because of the horrible evacuation situation he choose to stay put until he heard on radio that they were sending people to Houston. His dad was going to pick him up and deliver him and his son to my aunt.

Thank you for your prayers.

Rocked, you mentioned being a changed man. How have you changed? Aside from looking better than I have in a few years I'm not real happy with most of my changes. I never thought I was a bad wife, so little has changed in that area. My relationship with the Lord, though strengthened by this crisis, has been close for many years (in other words, I would have preferred to have done without the crisis!) Instead, I am insecure, sad and critical with myself since d-day.

I've seen MANY positive changes in my H too, but it is hard for me to see (yet hopefully) how I've become a "changed for the better" person.

Maybe I'm missing something and you can shed some light on how you have positively changed.

Have a great day!
2

Hi 2,

I am so glad to hear that your cousin is ok. What wonderful news!

As for the changing thing( I know you asked Rocked, but I am going to answer too), well, I think( and my H has said this to me many times, too.) I have changed for the better. I also feel like I was a good wife before, but does that mean I can not improve?? I think everybody can improve. I would hope that a very good doctor wouldn't say, I felt I was always a good doctor, so why try to improve on that. I am very concerned that you say that you have not changed at all as a wife. I do not believe you were a bad wife before, you sound as if you were very loving and in tune with your H...but if you have learned nothing else from all of this this, you should have at least seen that your H had some unmet needs. I know you have said that he wanted more admiration that you alone could give...and to be honest, I think that was the case with my H as well. However, my H tells me that he no longer feels that way...and I think it is b/c I did not just sit back and say, well,you cheated, I was a good wife, YOU were the complete moron, so I am not changing at all. I THOUGHT those things many times, heck, probably even shouted them at him...but I ACTED much differently. I improve despite my own feelings of why should I change for him???

Early on, my H and I took the emotional needs questionnaire and I went from there. Have you guys ever taken it? You might be surprised how you score even though you think you do well in meeting those needs, or did in the past. My H told me all the time and still says that he felt that I was always a very good wife and that we had a very happy and wonderful marriage, but looking at some of my scores...I can see that what I thought was important and what he did were very different. What it comes down to(at least IMHO) is that it does not matter if YOU think you are doing things well.....what matters is if your mate feels like you do them well, or are at least making a pretty big effort. And actually, that works in all relationships. I think I had forgotten how to look at things from another perspective besides my own. I felt like I was not getting what I wanted sometimes, but refused to see it through my H's eyes...I think I have changed that now.

There are many things that have changed that I do not like about myself...one of the big ones is that I always saw myself as a very strong woman...but I have always viewed women who stay with their cheater hubbies weak and pathetic(no offense, here...b/c obviously I did just that). It has been very hard for me to overcome that view and imagine that I may actually be a strong woman who is willing to take care of her family above herself, and who is willing to love someone who has hurt her unbelievably. That takes a pretty strong person if you think about the pain we endure just to keep our families whole, and the love alive.
You know the issues of me feeling worthless, my H's A confirmed all of my beliefs about that...and those do not change easily either, but I am willing to try.

You know....The worst personality change I ever had was out in Utah. I grew up in the "inner city"(not big time, but pretty urban) and have always prided myself as seeing all points of view and viewing everybody as equally as possible. I hated when people would judge others, and would look down on someone just for where they were born or what color skin they had, or how much money they made. But, when I moved there, I found myself becoming so predjudice against the mormon population out there. I judged people so much more, and really became pretty ugly on the inside. I became the kind of person that I hated the most. It took someone sitting me down and pointing out that I was being totally hypocritical( and it was worse b/c it was someone I really didn't like) for me to take a good hard look at what I was doing and make the choice to change.

You need to do that. Sit down and look at what you have become. If you do not like what you see....change it. I am not oversimplifying here...it will be hard to change habits, but that is what you have to do. If you think you have become a worse person...then you know what...change it!

Anyway, sorry for the long post.

Have a good weekend.

True

Thank you True...may I say...I love you!

Your post is how I have been feeling since my H's last A. I just couldn't put it into words.

Again, it was my "choice" to make changes in myself first.

Funny how you spoke about judgemental people. I was very sad yesterday at the gym (mind you I live in viva Las Vegas) when my trainer (who trains myself and a 36 year old woman) when asked why the trainee he put with us (who just turned 51 and have known for over a year and thought we were friends) didn't want to train with us after only 2 x's. He asked me could I handle him being honest with me and I told him yes. He told me, "If you thought she was your friend, she was not. She doesn't like you because you are good looking, strong and happy and over 45".). I was devastated. She is all but 105 lbs, has had lipo, tummy tuck and breast implants. She does not eat flour or sugar. She works out everyday. She looks "hot". I guess it is all in perception about ourselves. Just hurt me so deeply.

My H says don't worry about it. I just don't understand people anymore.

Well, have a wonderful weekend. 2, so happy your family is ok down south. Rocked keep up the great work.

TTYS,

holiday

Hi Guys,

Just got back from another brief vacation. Went to travel with our "football team" for the season openner. Fun.

Thanks for the insight True. Honestly I can say I don't feel I have changed much as a wife. If anything I feel I am worse than before because being loving is so hard to do and often it is forced and I fear he knows it, or it isn't done at all. I feel like I'm worse really. I don't know how he feels. We have discussed this in MC so many times. What needs of his aren't met that the A met etc. etc. and he refuses to answer it. He goes back to his priorities being wrong, so she met wordly and wrong priorities. NOW that his priorities are right and he is back on track, there is nothing that I should do differently. I'm a perfect wife. I don't buy it and I don't think our MC does either, but that is all he'll say.

We did do the EN survey, but again, he downplayed the results and kept changing his mind about the answers he gave. Very frustrating so I left it alone. Again, I found EN that he wasn't meeting...but I didn't cheat! So I think (and I think he agrees with me now actually) that it doesn't matter if EN's are met, we are expected to behave properly.

I feel I have changed for the worse because I am constantly comparing myself to others. Never did that before. I'm not sure how to stop. This behavior is so foreign to me! I am unhappy about my appearance most of the time, even though I KNOW I look better than I have in a while. I'm never satisfied. I hate it!

The only thing I can think to do is pray. I felt very prayed for Friday at his job. I did not see her and actually had a very good time. So thanks for the prayers.

12 hours of scrapbooking tomorrow! I will be happy as a clam!
2

Hey Holiday! Your mention of Vegas made me think of something. The weekend of the 24th of this month, we have a chance to come to Vegas for my H job. We are still debating going because the weekend before we'll be gone just us and I don't know if I can get my parents to babysit 2 weekends in a row. I also have my reservations about hanging out with his work people (she won't be there) and the last time we were in Vegas was horrible (just a month after d-day), but anyway, I could meet you!

Will you be around? And would you be available to meet me for breakfast Sat. or a drink late Friday night? If you could, then HONESTLY, I would try soooooooo hard to come! Heck it is a free trip to Vegas, dinner, Celine Dion show, game and a room at the MGM. But none of that would make me come....only the chance to FINALLY meet one of you. Could you, could you! Let me know and I will bend over backwards to BEG my parents to let me get away at least Friday night for the Celine concert (and a chance to meet you).

Let me know and if so, we can set up details off post. Wouldn't that be AWESOME?!

2