Holiday,

Happy Belated birthday. Hope it was fun...even though you are sore now!

2, I am sorry you are feeling lousy. What ARE your true feelings? Why does your hubby think they are not good?

As for my weekend...well, it was both good and bad. We actually had a really good time at the reception, and on the other nights, but the wedding was REALLY tough for me. I cried throughout the whole thing. My brother/sister-in-law probably thought I was nuts(they don't know about the A). My H was an usher, so he was not even sitting next to me...but in the end, I almost felt lucky that my H had only cheated on me...the woman sitting in front of me told me that her H left her on their 20th wedding anniversary for an OW..and left her broke and homeless(and even held a gun to her head and threatened her!!!). It was a sad story...and I almost felt guilty that my H has been so wonderful.

However, the wedding opened up some old wounds that I thought long since healed. It has been an uphill battle since Sunday afternoon. I really felt like I was in a good place before that day...I tried to distance myself, and just be happy that two people have trust and love for one another...but I could not...it almost took me back to the hurt of d-day. To listen to the priest talk about marriage and what love is...it all reminded me that my H did not have that sort of love for me..and now I am choosing to stay with him even though I long to be loved so much that he could have said no.

I think what it comes down to, is that the wedding sent me spiraling back into the "what ifs", "how could he", "I thought he really loved me" and "what did I do wrong" thinking. I am still wishing for a better past...hoping that I will wake up and find that my H did love me in the fairy tale fashion that we all believed in on our wedding day. I wanted to shout that marriage is just a fairy tale...run for the hills...but they looked so happy, and he looked like he loved her enough to say no to any beautiful woman who threw herself at him...I chose to believe that there are people out there who are meant to spend a lifetime together completely happy and faithful to each other and their vows. I just wish that I was one of those couples...backwards thinking...I know....like I said...uphill battle.

Anyway, sorry so depressing. I hope that you guys have a good weekend together. I wish I was going to be with you.

TTYL,

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi True and everyone,

I feel you about your feelings. I've had several days doing the same dwelling recently after our talk on Sunday. We did clear it up and I got a chance to explain what had made me cry and what my fears are about Vegas this weekend. Holiday, I will e-mail you later about ticket info and when we might be able to hook up.

Anyway, I will be in my best friends wedding in 3 weeks. I was worried how'd I'd do with her shower, but like you said True, it made me happy to see her so happy and in love. I too had the desire to scream "it's all a lie...run for the hills!" but in the end I realized that even though everything hasn't worked out perfectly, I'd do it all again. The 6 years we were married before this were the happiest of my life. I have 2 beautiful children and lots of wonderful things. Better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all. I actually agree with that. There is nothing like being in love...even if you end up with a broken heart.

So here is my latest news. Last night my husband sits me down with a printed e-mail in hand. He shows it to me and it is a correspondence between him and OW. My H manager has planned a fun outing for the staff for tonight. He wanted my H to go (like old times) but my H make some excuse not to go. He has not attended ANYTHING going away parties or birthday parties for his staff or other work functions like happy hour since this to avoid her. As you may remember SHE showed up to his birthday party.

So she e-mailed him asking him if he was going to this event tonight. One sentence. He responds "No, I have something at my daughter's school". She responds "Fantasic. Let me know when you will be somewhere because I will not. Thanks." And that was it.

We both felt it was VERY random and it didn't make sense. She could have found out from the manager or others if he was attending. It looked like she was purposely trying to "snub" him by saying she is avoiding him. Whatever! I told my H that if it wasn't for the fact that he will most likely be leaving in a month, I don't see why he couldn't take that to HR and say "See! She doesn't want to work for me. Can't you move her?" If he did that to her, it would be considered harassment because he is the boss. Why then isn't it harassment for her to do the same?

Really, I don't care, because he's most likely leaving. I saw this actually as another part of God showing us that leaving is the right move. For 9 months she hasn't sent him a personal e-mail and then suddenly does. Just like I've suspected for awhile, I don't think it is totally over for her. I don't think she would let my H leave his job without a few choice words and with this random e-mail, I could sense hostility. Just God saying to me "Yep! He needs to leave this place."

Anyway, I thanked my H for showing me. I kept my calm and really didn't have very many feelings about it honestly. I just thought, "this will never truly be over till he leaves." Pray that that happens soon!

Have a great day!
2

So Guys, I leave today at 2:30 to meet Holiday! I know you are both SOOOOO jealous! We will be having breakfast tomorrow morning (Sat.) and we'll meet the husbands at the game later that evening. This is so exciting! Keep us in your thought tomorrow around 9am. We'll be thinking of you both!
2

2, have a safe flight.
Call me and let me know where to meet you at 9 am Sat.
We will be thinking of you True,
holiday

Hi! I want to let you know that I met Holiday and her hubby on Sat. We had a blast! What a total blessing to FINALLY meet one of you. Holiday and I had lunch on Sat. and then the husband's met briefly at the game Sat. I thought of you both often and wish you could have been there.

My H and I had a great time. Out till 4am both days! Even though the airline lost my luggage for 16 hours, everything turned out great.

Meeting Holiday and clicking so well with her over a 3 hour lunch and having the HARDEST darn time saying good-bye, just confirmed to me what great friends we all are. Just because I haven't meet you all, doesn't mean that we don't have a deep and meaningful friendship. YOU guys have been there for me during the most difficult and lowest point in my LIFE! If that isn't a friend, then what is!

So thanks to all of you, but especially Holiday who went out of her way to meet me and who received me so warmly. I left her feeling like she was my new best friend in the world! And her H is a total doll. Our Hubby's were just chatting away!

Leaving Holiday with her H left me feeling like "this isn't the end of the world." I've built a great thing with my H and it was obvious that Holiday has too. I found myself thinking "I almost let some sl*t ruin what we had!" Yes he made the decision to cheat, but he also made the decision to stay with ME and not leave and literally beg me back on bent knee after d-day when I believed I was done. My H and I had the BEST weekend surrounded by many of his staff and co-workers and instead of feeling awkward that they might know, I found myself feeling "Good for me! I have my man and marriage and we are happy. I wasn't so stupid or unforgiving to throw away a good thing because of 1 bad decision (even though huge...it was only 1 in 6 years of marriage) or let some NOTHING OW ruin us. I felt quite proud of myself actually. Not at all the reaction I thought I'd have.

Lastly, it made me especially happy when 1) one of my H clients came over to us just to make a point of saying that we were a handsome couple and 2) a girl in another dept came over to me late into the night to tell me that she thought my H was a great guy, she respected him so much and I was lucky to have him (that normal cynical thought, didn't even cross my mind till later!) and 3) my H new employee who I met there and got along GREAT with went off about OW to me for about 5 minutes telling me he didn't really like her and hopes she'll find somewhere else to go. It made me feel good to hear him say that in a way because it was TOTALLY unsoliciated on my part and I don't think he knows at all, joining the staff long after this all happened. At the same time I found myself thinking "I wish my H would have been a better judge of character like new guy. He never would have got involved with her." But like every thought that crosses my mind these days, I didn't dwell on it at all and went back to having a great time with my H.

So anyway, just wanted to say I can't wait to meet the rest of you one day...hopefully soon.

Blessings.
2

Glad to see you are both home safe and sound.
For now...
Just want to say<<<<<<
I love ya 2! and thank you for everything!
I miss you already!!!!! You are a extremely special friend. Your H and you do make a magnificent couple (my H thought so too). Hopefully we will be together again very soon.
And I hope we can meet True and Rocked soon also.
I will chat with you in the am,
holiday

So good to hear you all hit it off. Glad to hear that you (2) are recovering so well. Thank God for true friends.

Amen that Rocked! Can we get an update on you?
2

Over 40 yoa, tall, not as slim as I used to be. Still struggle with recovery; sometimes glad I stayed--other times wish I hadn't. Just got back from the dentist and my gums hurt.

Rocked are you in MC? I know you asked us to stay on you about that. Wouldn't be where I am without it.

What is your struggle when you are struggling? We are here for you to vent and to relate to. Please feel free to share.

Sorry about your gums. I haven't been to the dentist in way too long. I don't like them.

2

Okay Rocked...what's up?
What makes you glad you stayed?
What makes you wish you hadn't?
God put us all together for a reason, so use us.
Love,
holiday

Yes I am in MC (Mental Commotion!!). My struggle is with anger that I have built up inside me.

What makes me glad I stayed? (That my kids' lives haven't been thrown into the lurch. That other family and friends haven't had to be brought into this either.)

What makes me wish I hadn't? (The anger, hurt and alteration of my life b/c of her selfish stupidity. I have a hard time right now seeing her as the woman I love more than anything and would die for).

Sorry.

What are you sorry for?! I've been feeling that way for most of the last 9 months! Duh Rocked! You are human you know. And your feelings are totally human.

I'm in a Beth Moore study right now and the best thing I've learned in this study is to remember that ALL the characters in the Bible are HUMAN...including Jesus. He was betrayed to the death by Judas and the other disciples felt the impact of that betrayal. They HURT! They mourned the loss of their Savior, like we mourn the loss of our marriages and the person we thought we married! They had their doubts about preaching to the Samaritians and accepting Paul as truly repentant...just as we have our doubts about our sponse's true sorrow and desire to change. You are having normal feelings and I think that is good Rocked...really. I also think REAL MC would help you understand that.

Like I said after returning from Vegas, I too am glad I stayed because of the kids and the life we've built together. I didn't let just ANYBODY come in and destroy us. BUT I'm just now starting to fall in love with my H again...HONESTLY just now...almost a year later. I never thought I'd be able to say that again, but it feels real to me...has for the last several weeks. I think I've dealt with all the emotions (as you guys witnessed DAILY) and now their is nothing left for me to do but fall in love with him. The last 2 weekends that we got to get away have been a BLAST for me! I really do love him and am proud of the life we've built together. A HUGE step in recovery was evident last night when we talked some heavy stuff about OW and we went to bed and I got me some! He was surprised and asked me about it afterward. I used to let her and those discussions take me down...they haven't now for the last several weeks and I'm loving it!

Anyway Rocked. Get into MC...you asked! Don't let the feelings get you down. They are justified, logical and human. Just deal with them. Don't put off the grieving because at some point, you will...if not now later. I'd rather be done now!

Thanks for sharing and share more. We are here for you.
Blessings!
2

True, where are you? The last time you posted you were a little down about the wedding you attending. Are you OK? I miss you and am a little worried. Please post.
2

Hi there. Don't worry...I am still alive and kicking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />. I just do not get on the computer as much as I used to. I have been outside playing with my youngest daughter a lot. Plus, we had a stray cat adopt us, and she had kittens...so we have been watching and playing with them. They are addictive to watch...they are so cute <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Other than that.....well, I have had a very rough time emotionally since the wedding. I have basically gone back to a couple of months after d-day. Last night my H and I actually had a real fight. We have not really fought since the A ended. We were up until almost 4 a.m. last night. I hate feeling this way again...and asking all those same questions that I know there are no answers to. I have reverted back to the flashbacks that I had in the beginning and wondering where it all went wrong. Things must have been pretty bad for him to fall for someone like her. The wedding made me remember all the specialness he threw away. He said he always thought what we had was special...that we were so different than everybody else. I guess he was wrong. I always thought we were meant for each other...that we were soulmates...I guess I was wrong too.

I keep trying to remind myself that my H is doing a really good job of being a H now. He has given himself completely to me, and has really changed who he is for me. I try to remember that I am choosing to stay and love him regardless of the fact that he fell out of love with me for awhile. I am trying to remember that he has been my best-friend for 17 years, even though he replaced me as his best friend for a couple of months(with someone I can't believe he would have EVER wanted to be friends with in the first place). I just am having a hard time digging myself out of this hole that the wedding put me in. I was not expecting it to get to me so badly. I now look at our brothers and sisters and am jealous of their marriages. I was never jealous of them before. I always knew that my H and I were the best. I always knew that we loved each other more and were just more meant for each other than any of them. Now, I see that we weren't. I am just very sorry things went so bad.

When you wrote of knowing your H made a mistake...well, I know that mine was a wonderful person for 16 years...but I feel that he made a series of mistakes...mistakes that if he had truly loved me like I thought he did, he would have had no problem saying no to; and I am not talking about the sex...I almost understand that part.

This is why I have not posted...my H still reads this, and I know that he will be hurt by what I have said. I do not wish to hurt him anymore. I would rather be miserable for the rest of my life than to hurt him. I made a choice to stay with him and love him and forgive him....and I will stick with it...even in these moods. However, he always thinks I will leave or hate him or something...and I won't do that.

I have also not posted, b/c I feel that you all are in the good place that I was in for the past month, and I do not want to say anything that could cause a trigger. So, if I have done so, I am sorry.

I hope you all are well. I am glad you had a wonderful time in Vegas. I thought of you! Someday you will all have to come to the Chicago area. I love it up there...and it would be a nice excuse to go out and do something fun!

TTYL!!

True

Go Bears!

Sorry. I didn't mean that short post to sound so insensitive. True, I'm sorry you are feeling down again and totally understand as it has hit me too. If your H indeed does read these posts then this next sentence is for him...

...Dear True's Husband. Please do not underestimate the truly precious gift God has given you in your wife. For her to have experienced all that she has and still say the kind things about you shows her true character and feelings for you. Demonstrate your renewed love and commitment to her in each and every way she needs. Physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually. From one husband to another, we have to be willing to die to ourselves when it comes to caring for our wives. It's tough as snot, but that's what we vowed to do at the alter so many years ago. The MB friends on this site care for you and pray for you often.

Hey True! Good hearing from you! (and Rocked you too)

I appreciate so much your sensitivity to not wanting us to backslide. I think that shows what a caring person you are. Also the fact that you don't want to hurt your H is kind as well. I don't think my H reads here anymore, but I really don't know.

I am sorry you are in a bad place. Today at MC I was able to genuinely tell my MC that I was in the best place I've been since d-day. The OW's recent e-mail did not trip me up, Vegas did not trip me up and spending 3 hours with Holiday re-hashing everything also didn't trip me up. I left Holiday and went gushing over my hubby. I was surprised I reacted that way!

I did hesitate with my MC today to let her know that is how I feel NOW. The feelings do change so quickly sometimes that I am preparing myself in case this is not the milestone I think I've reached, but rather is just a good moment in recovery. I am preparing myself NOW for D-day in late Nov. If I can just get past that day, I think I might be OK forever!

Did you prepare yourself for the wedding? My best friend gets married next weekend and I'm in it! I am doing some journal writing NOW to help me say to her all the things I'm thinking but know I can't say. That is what I did with Vegas and his staff. I expressed my anger to them for not telling me...or telling him what a fool he was making of himself. I shared my anxiety of them thinking I'm an idiot for staying with him...or thinking I must be the stupidiest person in the world to not have known he was cheating with her. I got it all out! So when I got to Vegas (aside from the obvious distraction God put in place of my luggage being lost:) I had worked through all those feelings. So I am going to do the same with my friend's wedding and with d-day.

The letter I've written OW (that I probably won't send) has also helped me to say to her a lot of what I want her to know. Even if she never sees it, it helped me to get it out.

I'm sorry you guys had a fight. The first since d-day! Are you kidding! Did I tell you I physically assaulted my husband about 3 months after d-day? Not proud of it, but BOY did we fight! What was the fight about? The A? Did you feel it was resolved properly?

How is MC going for you? I'm just concerned that if you aren't getting a chance to be REAL here (for fear H is reading), that you are able to be real somewhere else. Do you have a close friend to confide in about everything...Female of course!

My H is from Chicago. Did we discuss this?! I will be in Chicago sometime in the near future. He is from Southside. Where is that in relation to you? We will come meet you...you don't want to go ANYWHERE near where my H grew up...trust me...I don't want to go!


In closing True, I realized something in the letter I wrote OW about my marriage. That my H who I had thought after d-day didn't love me, was weak, loved her, cast me aside for someone else, all seems true on the outside looking in. But in reality, my H loved me very much. He was "troubled" to no fault of mine. He sought an escape in what was comfortable to him...sexual conquest with a terribly weak woman who he used. It was a horribly bad decision with grave consquences, but it was a sin that like most spiralled out of control. He did love me. That is obvious, he not only stayed with me, he not only begged me on bent knee (literally), but he has worked soooooooo hard since d-day to prove himself to me. I think I finally realized that he did love me, he is sorry and he will do better. I have an excerise that might be helpful to you. Can I e-mail you privately?

Sorry so long! Just need to get caught up with you True. Thanks for sharing and I will keep you in prayer.

Blessings!
2

This verse made me think of my h and I hope it will make you think of your spouses as well "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9.

My H gave up for a time, but NOW he has not grown weary in trying to win my heart back. He is beginning to reap the harvest as my love for him is beginning to return. I too have not grown weary in working through the pain and hurt...like you guys. I am starting to see the harvest.

Actually all of chapter 6 in Galatians is good...but this really spoke to me. I'm actually thinking of "celebrating" my H for not growing weary as I was VERY unlovable during these last months of recovery.

Just wanted to share.
2

Well, I hope you are all doing well today. I am better. I think my H is right, that I just need to talk to him about what I am feeling...even if it will hurt him. I need to tell him when I am sad and having flashbacks, but I try to hold it in, b/c I think I should suffer silently, I guess.
As for the fight....I guess I should have clarified. It is not the first fight, we have argued...but, when we have usually "fought" it has been one sided with me yelling or crying or shooting venom at him, as he humbly takes all I have to dish out b/c he feels he deserves it. That night, he showed real anger at me for probably the first time since d-day. I have know he has gotten angry, but he tried to hold it in too, b/c he feels like he has no right to get mad. I also physically assulted my H after d-day. It was on his suggestion actually, but once I started I could not believe how "good" it felt. I hate to think that I turned violent, but it is just one more way that I see my H has truly been sorry and wanted to only make me better.

I know that my H loves me very much...and I know that he loved me then, too. I do not think I will ever believe that he loved me like he says he did...b/c I cannot wrap my brain around how someone could feel like that and do what he did. I think he somehow lost some feelings. That is an important fact to me, and I want to remember it, and move on and love him in spite of that fact. My H was in a terrible place at work, and although I feel he did not reach out to the other workers like he reached out to the OW for friendship...I know that he really needed a friend and had needed one for 2 years! I think he reached out more to her, b/c he never felt truly accepted by the other people, and she worshiped the ground he walked on from the very beginning. It makes me mad that he wanted someone who lied to him as a friend...but like I said, he was desperate. I can understand that. There have been times in my life that I have felt desperate and reached out to people I probably should have ignored. The problem is that sometimes when you pick the wrong friends you are willfully blind to the bad things that they make you do.

Believe it or not, we had dropped our MC time to once a month, b/c we have been doing so well. I almost called her this past week to come in and talk, but knew that he and I usually can be better councelors to each other if we let ourselves be open and honest. She is great in making us see some things from an outside perspective though.

As for Chicago...we don't actually live there anymore...both of our parents live in the Chicago suburbs. So, we visit there often. Especially now since we are not many hours away. I would love to know when you guys are coming to town. Gee, maybe if the White Sox make the playoffs(which is highly suspect at the moment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )you guys should fly in for the playoffs...ha ha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Seriously, though, whenever you are coming here, let me know.

Well, again, I hope that all of you are doing great. I have not heard from you, Holiday, in awhile. How are things with you?

Talk to you guys later!!! Thanks for being so caring and as 2 said, really great friends!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />