Superbowl - YUCK! Bad memories. I can check closer to the day seeing as Superbowl is like 4 months away. Remember my H just quit the only job he's ever had! So I don't know how connected he is going to be anymore.

You know what I was just thinking today? My H will work 5 minutes from our house now. He will be here in the morning for breakfast, can come home for lunch and will be home in the evenings at like 5:30? What am I going to do with myself? What if I don't like him around so much? I know I always complained he was never home...now this. Be careful what you pray for! (kidding)

That baby blue represents a baby bear which could still totally kick your butt in a match up! So shut up! Don't the jags where turquiose? Yeah, that is way more manly!

take care guys!
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Hi all. I just spent the day in the "Big City"...lots of sad Cards fans there...well, all over around here. Despite everybody else looking miserable, my littlest D and I had a good time. I have to brag on her...she is the best child to take shopping. We were gone from 8am-3:30 and she did not whine, complain, have a fit...NOTHING. That was without having lunch until late AND her not getting the toys that she begged for! I was amazed.

It was nice to get away, but it is always hard to drive long distances, b/c my brain does not turn off. I had a major "reality hit" moment in the car and just started sobbing. I hate those. I am fine now, but those just take my breath away.

Rocked, I think in my comments I was referring to our H's being three loyal sox fans who became WS. I don't think any of us are WS's...but I suppose I could be wrong. We are the BSs who got hurt by those WS, right?

2, thanks for the info...but it still sucks! Ha! I think that is ONE of the many problems with America today...it is all so materialistic. I am not saying that I am not guilty of this...heck, I just told you guys I went shopping...but I think it is sad that the companies think they should milk the people for all they've got, and it is even sadder that the people let them. As you said, though, life is not fair.

My H said last night that the Texans didn't need a world series champion...they already have a president! I agree...who wants another Texan to win? Except maybe those silly Republicans....hee hee...sorry, Rocked! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi guys!

True, sorry for your meltdown today. What was the "reality moment?"

I was thinking today as I was picking my D up from school about renewing our vows. Have any of you done it? Have any of you discussed it? Our MC strongly suggest it "when we're ready". I don't think I'll ever be ready. What is the point of saying something again that didn't mean sh*t in the first place? I really don't get it.

I have a casual friend who caught me at a moment of dispair last year after d-day. I told her. Just 5 months later same thing happened to her, but with her BEST FRIEND. Her and her husband renewed their vows like 3 weeks after d-day. That didn't make any sense to me?!

I was thinking today that I would consider renewing vows as long as they are not the same vows. Vows really are stupid. As I heard my best friend reciting them on her wedding day two weeks ago I found myself thinking "why do they make people say that to each other?" I would renew my vows if I could say "I promise to try as hard as I can, but I will totally screw up. I will not meet your every need, I will not stay beautiful forever, I will disappoint you and maybe even hurt you. I accept the fact that you will probably do the same. Despite that, I will stay with you because I understand that is what God wants of us. THE END!"

I was just wondering if any of you have considered it. If so why? If not, why not?

thought for the day!
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Hi 2,

Yes, my H and I have talked about it. I actually have the original copy of the vows we said to each other at our wedding. We wrote our own...I think that made him breaking them even worse in my eyes. He promised me things that HE felt were important and meaningful and then spit on them. Anyway, I decided that we needed to burn those original vows. They do not mean anything to me anymore. We were supposed to do that on our wedding anniversary this year, after I gave him the forgiveness letter. Well, if you may remember, he did not really accept my forgiveness letter, so I still have them sitting here. I still want to burn them and write new ones. I would also write ones that are a little more accurate, but maybe I would add, I will stay with you b/c I love you and when I say forever, I mean forever.

My H was going to ask me to marry him again at the WS game we went to in Sept. It was 2 days after the wedding that sent me spiraling into the depths of **ll for a bit. I am glad that he did not ask, b/c I might have said no. He wants to get a wedding ring tattooed on his finger. I will have one done too. His real ring always cuts off the circulation and at least with it tattooed he will always be forced to see it. I told him I wanted a new ring b/c this one is now a symbol of failure. I remember the night he gave it to me with such clarity...you should have seen me giggle all night long. I was so happy. Now, I look at it and get so sad. I still wear it, although I did not wear it for the first 3 months at all.

Also, my mom's church had a renewing of vows ceremony awhile back. She called my H and told him about it and kind of pushed him to do it. He didn't b/c 1. I do not really like my mom's church, and 2. if we DO renew them, we want it to be some place special. I think I told you that last year, when we went to Ireland, I wanted to renew our vows on our 10th anniversary. I am so glad that we didn't b/c I think I would have been even more heartbroken to know that he had an affair shortly after he recommitted to forsake all others.

Anyway, "reality" moments are those moments that sneak up on you with images of things you never really saw, but can imagine, and they confirm your worst fear IS true...Yes, he really DID have an A. He really DID sleep with another woman(and what always bugs me is that he did it so easily). He really DID use your trust against you and really DID tell someone else those things that were only meant for you. Those "memories" hit me with such force, they are so hard to push away. C'est la vie.


TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Okay, first...my son just called...have I told you that he works in valet downtown Las Vegas? Anyway, for all you WS fans...he called to tell his Dad the WS fan in our home, that he parked Frank Thomas' 745 BMW last night. He said "he's huge" and a nice guy.

Now for the renewal of vows. This one hit home. Reality moment!
Over the past few years I have jokingly asked my H about this very thing. He doesn't really want to do it (go figure). But, he had a point like you True. Why repeat something that there is no guarentee will be perfect.

On d day morning last year, the morning before I receieved our cell bill, my H and I were driving (I can remember the exact moment, off ramp and time of day) and I asked him about friends of ours who were getting divorced (before that conversation, I talked about renewed vows for our 25th anniv when we plan to go to Italy yada yada), he said "they're probably getting divorced because she keeps at him about renewing their vows". Wow!

Perhaps the vows should be written (I think 2 had emailed me a point on this after attending her girlfriends recent wedding) with the "hopes" of everything working out. Again, I believe A's are a sickness and as the original vows state: In sickness and in health. I feel that is possibly why I haven't given up. However, if the sickness is to continue and destroys my "health" then I'm out. So far to date I feel my H is trying.

True, about the tattoo. After my H's first PA, he went out and completed a tattoo on his arm that wrapped around underneath his bicep. Without asking me he put my name there. I was devastated and complimented at the same time for as you know what they say about inking your significant other on your person. As well, as it didn't stop him for the next one.

Don't let yourselves get hooked up on the physical things of things. It's the emotions and feelings that are there right now that matter. We can't go back, we can only go forward...again, make new dreams.

Peace,
holiday

True, don't burn your vows...please. One day you'll want to see them again and be sad you burned them.

Rocked I'm curious about your take on renewing vows. Holiday, are you going to renew them on your anniversary?

Again, I have no interest and made that clear to my H. I don't know if he thinks it is a good idea or not.

On another note, OW told him today "Good luck pursuing your dream" when he told them he was resigning. He said she was very blank. My H on the other hand was a wreck! He said he shook and his voice cracked several times telling his staff. He is soooooo going to cry like a baby on his last day.

My H favorite athlete for a long while was FRANK THOMAS. He is the same height and weight as my H...well he was at one point. I'll tell him!

2

2,
I have written the vows out again and plan to burn those instead. I know that someday I would have been sad if I burned the originals...I think when I originally thought of that idea I was still in a pretty bad place, so I guess I am glad that I didn't do it for whatever reason.

Holiday,
Yes, I know tattoos do not mean he will not have another A, but for my H to offer it up is a big thing(he hates needles), so I accept it as a sincere act in hopes that it MIGHT make him think if ever placed in that sitch.

After I gave him that forgiveness letter in June, I went out and got my second tattoo. It is the japanese symbol for love with a heart built into it. I placed it over my heart. I decided on it b/c I still do not believe that true love ever dies. Even if I divorced my H I would always love him...I just might not like him much. Also, the japanese language was one of the first things he and the OW talked about. It is what started them on the slippery slope, so I used it as both a reminder of what can happen, AND as a symbol of something that our whole family now shares.

My next tattoo is going to be saved until I have lost some more weight and it is going to be on my belly. I am going to put a phoenix on there. I feel like all of us here are like the phoenix. We have died and our being reborn. Our new life will only make us stronger.

Well, Frank Thomas used to be a fav. player for most. I loved him and he was also my H's fav. for awhile. It is sad that he got injured the one year that they are actually going to the WS. He is a very handsome man, and he DOES seem like a really nice guy. I think that is great when someone gets really famous but stays true to themselves. I think that is why a lot of people like this year's WS team. It seems as if all of the guys are just really nice people. Who knows though....things are not always as they appear.

Well, off to clean the house and work on my Halloween costume. I will have to send you guys pictures. It is starting to get COLD here. I have forgotten what Halloween is like in a cold place. Layers upon layers underneath the costumes! Yuck!

Have a super day!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Vow renewal - Think of God's covenant with us remaining intact even though we betray him by loving the world.

Tattoos - I'm a weany white boy with no ink spots. I wanted to get one after DDay "in my anger."

Baby blue bears - Never seen one, 2.

Teal - 2, you ever seen the Jags "all black" uniforms? (They look like Gangsta's) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Costumes - what would you 3 ladies suggest I dress up as this year? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I don't do tattoos. I have never found anything I'm passionate enough to put it permanantly on my body...expect God and he is tattooed on my heart.

I agree with you Rocked...no need to renew the vows...I'm still here aren't I?

Teal is still not manly and football players only look like Gangsta's OFF the field.

Costume, how bout going as yourself...a chippendale dancer!
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OOooo yeah the chipendale male!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wouldn't want you females to miss seeing any of the WS games on the tube if I showed up in my speedo. Plus, my contract doesn't allow me to "shake-n-bake" without receiving a minumum appearance fee. (Tips excluded!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My, my, my..."when the cats away"...as they say! You better hope your H's don't read these posts anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

7-0, 7-0 UCLA BRUINS, Go go go!

That was my cheer for the day! I'm milking it for as long as I can Rocked! It can end at any time!

True congrats on the White Sox win! My H is thrilled, but truthfully, he missed the world series to go to the UCLA game, so he's more into us right now pick come to choose.

Hey we're all happy! I used to tell people "football season is the most romantic time of year for us." It always was until he left us after a BIG fight one night after a UCLA football game...one year ago exactly two weeks from now. The beginning of the end...me discovering the awful truth.

Anyway, busy day. Needed to rub that in on you Rocked. Baby blue all the way!
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Hi guys.

Well, I am logging on tonight b/c I cannot stand to watch the WS lose. I know...I am a bad fan. If you have not guessed already, I am very competitive and do not like to lose...probably one of the reason I have a hard time getting over the A...I feel like a loser.

Anyway, strange mood today. It is exactly one year today that my H started using the secret email to talk to the OW at nights and on weekends. Not overly emotional for me, but still sort of tough.

Are you guys ever amazed at how quickly your S go over the A? My H did not even know what today was, and cannot even remember the dates that everything happened, but I do. He even forgets about it completely a lot of the time, and I will never forget it. I cannot believe how easily it is for him to forget. Heck, he says even the parts that he once remember vividly, are pretty much clouded over. I just wish BS had that kind of memory.

I told him the other day that I wish I was him. Not b/c of the A(although part of me will always be jealous of the fact that he got to feel what it was like to have someone else fall in love with him and vice versa), but b/c he can get over things quickly. He once told me, actually he has told me this the whole time we were married, that when I die it will only take him about a month to "get over it". A MONTH! He will miss me, but he will just get over the grief. Heck, he begged the OW to stay with him for THREE DAYS after she broke it of, and I get a month. He can just stop thinking about something once he puts his mind to it. I wish I was like that.

Well, I guess the Sox losing has brought out the down side of me. I better be going.

I will chat with you all tomorrow. Hope your weekend was super.

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


OH! I forgot to tell you guys this.....the other day, my H's cell phone ring and it is a number with the area code from NC. I always get squimish when that comes up, b/c I am sooo afraid that it will be her. I have asked him to change his number, but it is still not done(not necessarily his fault, though). Anyway, I answer it, and it is a man. At first, I thought it might be the OW's fiance finally calling me and hashing it out, b/c he asks for "True". Well, he ends up being some guy from a business down there. He says he has gotten a message on his voice mail that I asked him to call him about some advertising. I say, "No, I do not even live in NC anymore". He said is this your number? And I said yes, and then he said, "and this is True?" and I said yes, but I did not call you. Then he says sorry and hangs up. Now, my name is NOT on my H's cell phone account at all. The only way that someone would call ME on that number was if I was to tell them to do so. I became very suspicious. My H thought it was strange, but did not think too much of it. I told DogMom about it and she thought I was being paranoid...what do you all think????

Ok....Go Figure....The White Sox making a liar out of me! THEY WON!!!!! WOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, on to Houston. I still have my normal Chicago syndrome doubts, but hey, they have proved me wrong many times this season.


TTYL!!!

True

I thought about you True when my H told me WS won. I"m used to my team being down and then coming back, so I never stop watching.

I too remember that Nov. 6 will be the 1 year anniversary that he moved out for 2 weeks. I'm sure he is clueless. D-day is a few weeks later. I'm sure he is clueless.

The phone call is strange yes. I think it is a good heads up to you to watch the calls. Perhaps it is nothing, but perhaps it was a "friend" of hers calling to see if you guys 1 are still together and 2 if his number is the same. I'd just keep an eye on it.

Yesterday we went out to dinner for my dad's b-day and my H celebration party for his new job. It was us and my parents. We went to a nice restuarant that it didn't occur to me till I got there that the last time we were there was right smack in the middle of the A. My H had taken me out for Mother's Day to this restuarant and to a concert. It was a lovely evening. He had surprised me with the whole thing and was so wonderful that night...we had a great time. I couldn't help but wonder how soon after that night was he screwing his employee in his truck? To keep myself from getting down, I kept the wine coming. We had a nice night last night. I did mention it to him in the car how it sucked to have that memory and realize how good of a job he did keeping me clueless. He didn't say anything.

Also at dinner my dad makes a toast and say "H, you've never let disappointed us before, I'm sure you won't now", well that just about made me choke. My mother wouldn't even look at me because I'm sure she knew that hurt me deeply (my dad obviously doesn't know). So it made me sad a for a little bit, but I tried to enjoy the evening.

Anyway,I'm fighting a cold today. I'll be at my computer most of the day working on stuff for my event. We are at 68 signed up and with 2 more weeks, I'm hoping for 80. So keep that in prayer.

Have a blessed day guys!
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7-0 or not, baby blue is still for cheerleaders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

True, oh yeah of little faith (WS eventual win) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

True, Oh sorry. I was in NC and borrowed a dude's phone to call and talk to you. Didn't realize that was you when I hung up. My bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Jags had a bye week Sunday. Still 6-2. All black uniforms rock over powder-puff blue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for worrying and asking about me. Wilma is just sending us light rain and wind in these parts.

Hi 2!

Yes, my whole family(excpet H) is fighting those colds. I could hardly talk last week(I know some people were happy!)

Also, I know what you mean about your dad saying something and you feeling hurt. My FIL says stuff jokingly a lot of times that I just get crushed by. My family(especially the people who do not know) has also said some things that have really hurt me, but what can you do when they are not aware of the sitch, ya know? I guess that is one of the "consequences" of making the decision to stay, AND not telling everybody on the planet. My SIL, though, who DOES know told me the other day that she does not even think of him having an A anymore. She just looks at us as happy and loving to each other, and only remembers it when I bring it up. That was kind of bittersweet. I am glad she can see him as the wonderful caring man that he has been most of our marriage, but heck, part of me still would like to be the victim and have everybody remember what a complete **shole he was last year at this time. I know that is selfish, and probably sounds pathetic, but it is one of the issues that I am still working on.

Although I will be giving away the date to my H if he reads this, Nov. 6th is the day that the OW showed up to the movie, and kissed my H. He says when he decided to kiss her back is when everything really changed in his mind. He decided shortly after(like on the ride home) that he would keep this up and get the sex that she basically already told him was his for the taking. He still did not see the risk of it becoming more than that. I asked him if she ever apologized for kissing him like that, especially after they had already discussed them never crossing that line b/c he LOVED and RESPECTED me SOOOOO much...she never did. I think she either had done this all before, or she read a book on how to get a married man...she knew exactly what to do and say to get what she wanted. Anyway, it was just a short 6 days later that they had sex, and well, you all know the rest. So, yes, November is going to be a very hard month for me. Thanksgiving will be really tough on all of us, I bet.

I will be off and on all day, so if ya want to chat a bit...I will reply when I get on next.

Holiday, hope all is well.

Rocked, hope the hurricane comes nowhere near you and your family.

TTYL!

True <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

good morning!

everything is going pretty well...a bit bumpy with h's paramedic stuff. worked on "flash cards" to help him study all weekend.

our daughter has a solo (she sings soprano) in the fall concert tomorrow night. shes very nervous as relatives will be coming in to watch her.

rocked-i hope the weather doesn't get too bad where you are. you dont want to loose any power and miss any "jag" games etc! (you know the jags look even more impressive on a HUGE flat screen tv at the casinos here, ha!)

true-hmmmm the phone call. probably like 2 said, just keep it light but take notice. if it is the OW checking up on you guys, she got what she needed by you answering his cell, ha!
and why dont we move thanksgiving to another month (i sat at the table with guests only days before d-day knowing in my heart that something was amiss)...

2-GO BRUINS!!!!

i am really glad to see how far we have come in these past months. we have really grown and grown up.

we have taken what life has dished out to us and with God's help moved forward.
peace,
holiday

Rocked, I hope that hurricane does get you for bad-mouthing my BRUINS! God is a BRUIN don't you know! I'm glad you aren't getting hit too bad. I am watching and tracking, so I already knew you were OK...that is why I didn't ask.

Anyway, I was explaining to Holiday that what saddens me most isn't the actual memory of him with her or me being totally snowed over by my H being loving at times during the A. What saddens me most is the fact that this is my life. I find myself having the memory and feeling pretty normal, but then what will happen is I'll find myself saying "isn't that sad that I can think about something like this and it not send me reeling? This is my life now and it feels pretty normal. Isn't that sad?" And that is when I'll get sad and feel down for awhile. Does that make sense?

Anyway, another question for the day. I often wondered why we picked the screen names we picked. I have no idea why Holiday is holiday or what true to self means to you. I picked Godhelpme2 because that is how I felt, like I'd never get through this if God didn't help me. The 2 came because there was already a Godhelpme. I also wanted folks reading to know I was a Christian (I thought that might clue them in a little) so that people would know where I was coming from. Sometimes I feel like changing my screen name to "Thisismylifenowanditsucks", but that is a little too long. But I guess I'm now and forever 2 to you guys!

2