Hey, Mel... some seriously good posting there!

Golden, Mel isn't known for pulling punches. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But she's pretty cool... even if she's not Canadian.

I know you are hurting, and this seems almost unbearable... Please remember that this is not going to last forever. There will come a time when all this exists only in the history books. There will come a time when you are looking back at all this and remembering it... not living it.

Right now, put your pain aside for just a moment and ask yourself where you want to be when that time comes. Make decisions now that later you will look back and think, "Phew, good thing I did that!"

When things get too hard to bear, try to bring that perspective to mind. It's helped me get through some veeeeery rough times.

Take care,

dewt

BTW... is your hubby still posting here? If so, what's his 'handle'?

dewt

I appreciate Mel, someone has to try and be the voice of reason. Only someone whose been there really knows and can try to steer me in the right direction.

As far as I know H has not posted lately. H is justanotherfool, don't let his words fool ya, just found out last night he did go against our agreement and contacted her about 3 wks ago, I knew he had, and kept begging for the truth, "I've told you everything" H kept saying.
I don't ask question that I don't already know the answer to. I told H that many times. H wonders why I can't trust him and had him leave. Yes H did a NC letter, what good did that do. Maybe H told her it was coming and he didn't mean a word it said. quess I'll never know.

gp, please be very forthright with me in your answer. Do you think we are telling you not to seperate because we have a lenient attitude towards the infidel?

Mel,
Oh god no! You all are the voices of experience, most of you have lived the same thing and felt the same way.

But I know in my heart I had to make him go, I have asked for nothing but the whole truth from H and everytime he says, thats everything, there is no more to know, and low and behold another brick hits me on the head.

When I put a question out there, (I have already discovered the answer) I just want him to tell the truth the first time,not lie over and over again.

H called OW from a payphone to tell her to leave him alone about 3wks ago after a NC letter was sent. OW had sent an e-mail, that of course he responded to and then deleted, then told me what it said and how he responded. How do I know that was said? (in mail or phone)

He could of made that call in front of me. Shown me the message.

H would of gained some credibility, gave me a reason to believe in him.

H claims all he wants is me, but he has a strange way of proving it.

In the beginning all I wanted was to make this work, but now...

I'm standing at a fork in the path, and I might be here for sometime, I just don't know.

One thing I do know is that your trying to keep me from making a mistake that I might not be able to fix or take the wrong path and not be able to find my way back again.

I do value and take to heart everything that is said.

ok, thanks for clarifying your position, gp, you do understand my motivation correctly. It occured to me you might think I was soft on WSes.

And I do very much understand your frustration and rage. I would only suggest that you move very slowly right now and let us help guide you through these landmines. Your H is a typical WS who is going through the throes of withdrawal. I do think he is trying, but his withdrawal is pretty classic, with a few last contacts and a few more lies in the last gasps of no contact. This is all pretty typical.

Its not something to be tolerated or dismissed, but it can be handled effectively without burning down the entire barn. There are other ways to handle the situation outside of separation. And see, separation only makes things easier on him, too. This way, he can have some relief from facing the consequences.

Anyway, you have heard what I had to say, I am not going to beat the horse to death. I appreciate the fact that you are considering it. We will do our best to help you whatever you decide. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

goldenpups -

I hope you will try to listen to Melody. She is the expert here. If you read what the Harley's say, you will understand that what you "feel" like doing is mostly the wrong thing.

I have been going through this for 2 and a half years. I threw WH out on D-day. That was before I found this place. All I did was send him into the arms of the OW. In fact, they are still together. My WH STILL claims that he loves me, blah, blah, blah. But he never stayed out of contact with OW for more than 1 day.

Needless to say, it is over for us. But I hope you will seriously consider your actions.

Goldenpups - I do see your husband posting quite a bit on the recovery forum. I believe him - but of course, I believed my WH too.

GP, I used to think my wife and I had a wonderful, serene relationship because we rarely fought. We agreed on most everything.

But there was something I didn't realize.

We were afraid to fight with each other.

I was always a little more engaged in things than my wife, and my enthusiasm and my outgoing nature, my tendency to want to debate, combined with my wife's introverted ways and her habit of recoiling from any dispute or disagreement, led my wife to feel that things went my way when we didn't agree.

Instead of fighting with me, she gave me my way. And resentments grew in her heart.

After we'd been together for ten years, she evidently had enough of those resentments stocked up that she was able to rationalize hurting me in the most unthinkable way.

The point, GP, is that the avoidance of conflict is very, very dangerous for relationships. Many professionals say that it is to blame for most romantic affairs and divorces.

The trick is to be able to have conflicts without hurting each other.

Just something to put in your pocket. Listen to Mel.

GC

Hello Everyone -

I am Goldenpups' FWH (yet to be proven to my dear W) I wanted to mention a few things in regards to some of the posts.

First of all as much as I do not want to be out of the house, I know my presence has not been a healing one to my wife. She needed space and time to work through her feelings which I understand and support. I want to work through this problem with her, but with me always around I realize that I was makng it harder for her.

We would talk and make some progress, but then I would do somthing stupid like to deny or withhold info regarding an issue I may find as small or insignificant which is not insigificnt to my W and it would make her understandably angry to a point where we would take several step back in our progress. Although in all cases my intentions were to just avoid hurting my W further and not to reach out or run back to the OW, my lack of adhering to the ground rules that I had agreed to with my W undermined her trust in me and fueled her anger. After much soul searching and work with our MC I realize that I have been childish and selfish by doing things to avoid confrontation with my W. What I thought I was doing to not upset my W did more harm then if I just did exactly what promised to do. That said, I have started to work harder to be honest, respond to every one of my W's questions and get over my fear of confrontation.

Also, I am very remorseful about what i did and deserve the treatment I have recieved. I am in this for the long haul and will do whatever necessary to help my W work through everything. If it means that I have to live under anther roof for a period of time so be it. I have no desire to reach out or contact the OW.

I love my wife and I know I need to be better in many areas if we are going to get through this. I am just thankful that she has given me an opportunity.