Hi everybody. Been split from the ex since November 2003, and have dated quite a bit since then. Wasn't really looking for my next life partner for most of it; now, I am.

Which brings us to the present. In February, I met a woman online. We met in person mid-month, and have kept seeing each other. We're both single parents, and she has her daughter about 75% of the time. She's also a nurse and works nights sometimes and fairly early mornings quite a bit. As a result we've only been together 7 times in total, though we talk or MSN pretty much every other day.

Things seemed to click with us pretty quickly, at least insofar as being on the same wavelength, similar personality types and interests, etc. In most respects, things have progressed slowly (no sex yet), and I'm OK with that -- I've done the leap-into-bed-quickly thing a couple of times in the last year and, lo and behold, I'm still single. We have kissed quite a bit, and that's great.

I'm overanalytical by nature. And what occupies me mostly about her is that she's VERY cautious emotionally. I started to detect this early -- I was making all of the overtures, it was always me calling her and initiating things. In my previous experiences I reached date #2, figured I'd wait to hear from the woman, and if I didn't, I'd conclude she wasn't interested.

However, with this woman, things were a bit different. At the end of date #2 we kissed properly for the first time. It was great. And she immediately responded with, "I hope we can see each other again soon." That's been the pattern a few times: I initiate things physically or otherwise, and she responds with enthusiasm. And noticeably, when I initiate things physically she starts wanting to know when we can get together again.

For the moment anyway, that seems to be how she indicates how she feels... because she DOES NOT say how she feels. I had her over for dinner one night a couple of weeks ago, we were kissing on the couch, and I said, "I just want you to know, I like you a lot. You're really beautiful and a lot of fun to be with." She replied "thank you" very sweetly and then asked about when we could get together again. She seems to like being complimented. We got together with our kids a couple of weeks ago, at her suggestion.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she considered herself to be an emotionally cautious person. She replied with an emphatic "yes" (and something about being a Scorpio, whatever that means).

Anyway, she also hasn't (up to this point, anyway) done public displays of affection much. Although after dinner last Friday, we were out for a walk and she put her arm around mine and we walked along, arm in arm. We met for lunch two days ago and she did the same thing.

So, I think I've satisfied myself that she's interested.... but she may just not be the kind of person who puts herself out there very easily. Can anybody give me any suggestions as to how to chip away at that wall? I like her a lot and want her to let me in. Tuesday is the three month "anniversary" of our first date, and I want to send her flowers at work -- haven't done that yet.

Oh, and she hasn't been on the dating website we met on in a month and a half.

Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry about the long message.

well, not a lady, but slow down rover. Seems to me things are going along just fine, she has voiced interest, left the dating site, introduced you to her daughter, walks arm in arm, and likes kissing you...all in 3 months, a very short time. Now is the time to explore who she is (and vice versa), get to know her in depth by spending lot of time together in a variety of ways, and see what shakes out...going exclusive, or for too much too fast torpedoes relationships as much as anything, there is no hurry....is there? If you see her as a challenge to chip away at, then perhaps she should find another guy, ya know? and maybe she will if you view this as a conquest and not a relationship to be built one brick at a time.

If she's had any experiences in the AD (After Divorce) world like mine, she's probably very hesitant to say how she feels - and maybe she isn't even sure how she feels.

All I can suggest is, as long as you are not put off by her inability or reluctance to express her feelings outwardly, continue to express yours. She may need a lot of reassurance that you're not going to just run off on her as soon as she says anything that remotely sounds like caring for you. And she might want to be absolutely sure that your feelings are genuine and not just physically motivated.

Having been through the things I've been through, I'm not going to be wearing my heart on my sleeve anymore - That's one of the reasons I have been trying to figure out 'how guys think' - I want to be REALLY sure of what he means before I answer in a way that will reveal anything of how I feel. I've had my heart sliced up pretty good a couple of times ... my divorce and a subsequent unrequited emotional attachment to someone who I've finally become comfortable with as simply a very close friend ... and those experiences have made me feel VERY cautious about revealing anything I feel to someone who could potentially hurt me.

If you think she's worth it, just give her time and space ...

One caution, though - if one of your higher level EN's is communication, particularly about feelings, you may want to think about whether or not this relationship will satisfy that need. Many people who are not verbal about how they FEEL are NEVER verbal about how they feel - instead leaving their partner guessing. A lot.

I'm not sure I've helped much, but it's one female perspective!

T

If it was me, anything I felt was pushing me to make a commitment or share my most inner feelings (before I was ready to volunteer them) would be major LB's.

Personally I want my next relationship to go something like this:

1) get to know the other person - who he is, what his values and interests are, and the silly things like favorite vacation places, etc.

2) become friends - get to really like each other as PEOPLE and care about each other - be there for each other - enjoy each other's company - do things together that both enjoy (not that one is "taking up" to impress the other person)

3) romance may follow - if so, great; if not, great (another good friend) - this last step involves MB principles and relationship values. Though they may come up earlier, I wouldn't be interested in going down this path with everyone I meet. BTW, I would expect that only 1 in 50 (based on something Dr. W. Harley told me 20+ years ago) would make it to this 3rd step.

I realize my list might not fit with what most men are looking for. I expect we are all looking to get our top EN's met - and my list doesn't sound much like meeting EN's, does it? Well, EN's do nothing for me if I don't truly like and care for someone as a person (mutually), and have a strong friendship first. Or maybe you could say my top EN is mutual friendship based on shared values and interests. But that's just me - your results may vary.

The other replies are much like my thoughts. Be patient with her. The more she trusts you, the more she will be willing to open up.

Don't know if she's like this or not... I'm very "picky" about who I open up to. Usually, it's people who are willing to listen to me, taking time to let me get my thoughts out, valuing what I say, and really giving me time to talk. If I'm in a group of people where there's plenty of conversation going, I usually won't say anything. Or if I'm one-on-one with someone who's willing to do all the talking, I'll let them. Along the same lines, I may not share my opinions, or feelings unless you ask for them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> You might try asking her sometime how she feels about you, or simply what she thinks. But be careful that you are not seeking one certain answer.

My interpretation of "thank you" to your expressions, is that she MIGHT feel the same way, but is scared to encourage you anymore, because she feels you are already pushing too hard. This is my perspective from my own personal experience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good luck,
Faith1

I started dating in the very beginning of the relationship I knew he liked me. I did care for him also but I was very careful. I did not want to be hurt again so I took my time and never said anything regarding our relationship. I even want so far as to tell him not to call me his girlfriend. I did not want to let my guard down.

He never pushed me and let me go at my pace which was very slow. He showered me with gifts and took me to real nice places. My actions showed him I care for him just as much as he care for me but I never said anything. I had this wall around me to protect me from being hurt.

He was so patient with me and he understood where I was coming from and I was not going to get hurt like the last time with xh. When I was ready which a long time has passed since our first date I finally let him know how I felt. He was so touched because he knew it came from the heart and I really meant it.

So be patient and if you feel she is worth the wait then hang in there.

Lynda

Hi Reservoir Dog,
I think you are doing great for having dated her only 3 months. Is she recently divorced? She will appreciate you so much the more if you will be patient and wait for her, if you can. Every relationship seems to have its own timeline, and its own course. I think the best thing you can do is to go with the flow of it, and follow her as she follows your lead....don't push....but let her know how you feel and how you'd like things to go. I wish you the best.
Did you send her flowers????
KK