We have been married for 19 years. We separated a few weeks ago because of many issues, we both agreed we needed some time apart to see if it was something we could fix. What I did not know is that he has been having an affair the last few months.

I found out for sure yesterday. I have her name/address/phone number, I found their emails they send to each other. It is like reading a romance novel.

I am having a hard time knowing where to start. After 19 years I want to make sure it is really over/if there is even a small chance at fixing this mess. IF there is how do I get past this affair? I am mad and hurt beyond words but I can't let go. Deep down I still love him. Him and our children have been my life for 19 years. I have been 100 % faithful to him, even in the worst of times.

Do I just go ahead with what everyone is telling me and say good-bye for good? Or do I wait and see if there is a chance.

This hurt is beyond words. Thing is all I want to hear is him tell me he loves me and that he would do back flips to fix things. I emailed him last night to let him know that I know. He sent me an email and felt pretty much crushed that I found out. That is not enough. I want him to show me that our 19 years together means more than a 2 month relationship with a married woman!

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Sorry you find yourself here. You are among many others who found this place in a time of dire need. First of all, don't do anything until you purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. He is the founder of this site.

The book will tell you about the dynamics of an affair, how your marriage became vulnerable to an affair, how to help the affair end, how and why to expose the affair to certain others, and how to begin meeting each other's needs in meaningful ways.

You should NOT agree to time apart at this point in time, as you will just be allowing more time for you H(husband) to participate in the A(Affair).

Affairs are additions, people involved are addicted to the "feelings". They are truly not as "in love" with the other person as they are about they way they "feel" when around the A partner. They will not respond to your pleas, begging, educating, nor will they respond to facts, logic or ultimatums. It's as close to temporary insanity as it gets.

Until you have the book mentioned above, read all over this site. One thread in particular in in General Questions II, posted by Gramn. He's just found out about his W(ife) being involved in an A, and he is getting textbook advice. Read and learn everything you can. Then you will have the advantage, as you will have a PLAN!

You may want to post in General Questions II, as it is the busiest board, although they are all much slower on weekends then while people are at work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,
SD

MaggieG,
Welcome to MB and like above and you will hear again, sorry you have to be here, but it is a wonderful and helpful site.

I just found out about my H cheating on me a month ago, here it is called DDay for discovery day. There are not enough words to say how much it hurts and the way you feel.

Hold on tight as you are about to take a rollercoaster ride from h*ll and back again. I would suggest you read all the information on this site, then purchase the books listed in the book section, especially "Surviving the Affair". I waited to buy them until 2 weeks ago, but am reading it now. It has helped me a little bit and reading the posts here and the website forums too.

You need to look at and read especially about plan A/B. Like shattered dreams stated, you need to get him home. Make the A the least accessible to your H right now. Your H is in what they call a fog and is behaving like an alien. He is on the high of the A, which is just that and he may not see through the fog. Try to get him to read here also. Whatever you can do to get him back home is the best right now.

Plan A is so difficult, because you will have to put so much of yourself out there that you will want to scream at times. But please read and give it your all.

I wish you all the strength possible and keep reading and posting here. These people have been there and are so much help and sometimes they can give you advice or even just a laugh to get you through a rough day.

Huggggs to you (((((((((MaggieG))))))))))))))

Maggie,

So sorry this has happened to you. Welcome to MB. You wil get great support and advice.

Your situation resonates with me as I was married over 19 yrs. when I found out about my H's A.

Over? Over? Your M is NOT over! OK, hold out your hands in front of you, palms up. In one hand - 19 yrs. of M, kids, a home, 2 families. In the other - a cheap, shabby A, lasting a couple of months. OK, now 'weigh' the two (like your hands are a scale). Which hand holds the more 'significant' situation? I think you know.

You are lucky you've found MB early on. Many of us floundered and bumbled along for months, making all kinds of mistakes along the way.

First, read this site in its entirety. Get "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Willard Harley. All the Harley books are available through this site, or through Amazon.com. They may also be in your library.

Then, I would say you have to get your H home. Where is he? Some here will not agree, but I believe - strongly - as does Harley, and the MC my H & I used, that seperation is even harder on a M that is in crisis. It also affords your H the opportunity to keep the A going.

So, I would tell him the seperation is not working; it's too hard on the kids. Get him home.

Then, you have to start Plan A, and he has to agree to NC.

Remember, there can be no Recovery while there is still C with the OW.

NC may occur overnight. A's are addictive. Your H is in the throes of an addiction just as powerful as heroin. It will take a lot of effort on both of your parts to break it, but it can be done.

You can do this. It is horribly painful, but MB works, and your struggle can yield a new, better M.

You are in my prayers.

Thank you so much for the welcome.

A few nights ago my husband came back home and we are trying to rebuild a NEW relationship. This site is going to be a huge help.

I feel he is sincerly sorry for his actions, that choice he made. We are both at fault for so much before this happened and we are both willing to work as hard as we can, whatever it takes, to make a new start.

For the first time in our marriage I feel loved like never before. It is like we are new people. I want to be cautious at the same time thinking maybe this is just the "newness" of opening up and being so open with each other. Everything feels better. The hurt is there, that hurt is so huge and deep. With his love I CAN oversome that hurt.

I read over so much in this site before was talked and what I read really helped me in steps on being honest and knowing what to ask. Sometimes honesty hurts but it is much better to know the truth than to assume. Once we know the truth we can move on and start to bury those hurts.

Here is to a new a better begining! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey--I am a man who was caught cheating and lost my family. I hope to get help here. All I can really say is give him a chance! Let him come home and work hard. Some of us are actually sorry and want to rebuild. I wish that my wife would allow me that opportunity. Good luck.

Congrats, Maggie,

Learn all about the MB principals, and stick around for support and answers to any questions you may have. Most of this does not progress on anyone's particular schedule, and can be an emotional roller coaster, so prepare yourself. Until WH is completely through withdrawal he cannot be trusted. Many WS will do ANYTHING to keep both women in their lives. Trust, but verify EVERYTHING!

Best wishes,
SD