"I know what you're thinking...and you're probably right. I can get away with more when I don't have any friends. So true. How ugly I am."

No, no, no.......it's not that, a sexual addiction, or a relationship addiction, or a love addition, whatever yours might be is an intimacy disorder. And with an intimacy disorder it would mean you might never really create real relationships with people that develop into long term friendships. So instead you find yourself as someone who feels independent and can be by themselves.

True, as well.

See, I can talk about myself all day long. It's how I know all these things.

You are all very insightful. I thank you so much for your kindness and advice. I am going to beat this once and for all.

I found this story, which talks about a womans struggle, I thought you might find it interesting.


Sexual Addiction: A Woman's View

Author Anonymous
Reprinted from Pastoral Psychology, Vol. 39, No. 4, 1991

Ten years ago my life appeared to be perfect. I had graduated with honors from a prestigious divinity school. I had responsibilities and respect in my denomination and in the churches that I served. My family was proud. I had married the right man. I was impeccably dressed. I had done all the right things.

It was baffling to me that soon I was feeling dread and resistance for my work. Each day was harder to face than the one before. The better things looked the more troubled I became. I worked more and more for the church and I felt more and more a fraud every day. In return for my devotion to the church, I had looked for my needs to be met. My needs were not met. No one noticed or cared or came to me. In my loneliness and fear, I began to live a double life.

There was this perfect life where I was professional and everyone’s little darling. The side that pleased parents and married the son they never had. The side that had never rocked the boat. The side that appeared mature beyond her years.

The other life was lived in secrecy and shame. I vowed each day to face my husband and work and fulfill my duties. By 10:30 most mornings I had spoken to my “mentor” by phone and agreed to “just lunch.” I would return many hours later feeling ashamed and desperate. Often we would engage in sexual activity. Many weeks we spent 40 to 50 hours together. I thrived on the intensity and the attention. I felt bad and dirty, yet I told a therapist, “This man is why I get up every day.”

One side of my life is built on the dreams of other people. The other is filled with shame and deceit. I was living a double life, but it was all a lie. I felt emotionally homeless and eternally exhausted. Every part of my life suffered. No one seemed to notice and in two years I received a promotion.

Let me say something here about my addiction. This is not about right and wrong – this is not about moral breakdown. I never once approved of my behavior. This is about life and death. The only way I could live another day was to be in an inappropriate sexual relationship. Long before I was sexually addicted, I had learned to care for the needs and wants of others, but never my own. The only way I new to live with this perfect life was to have my needs met in a hidden and shameful way. My addiction was destructive to my health and my marriage and to my career. My addiction gave me many dreadful days. It also kept my heart beating until I found recovery.

There came a time when the price of this double life became too high. I had too many responsibilities, too much guilt and loneliness, I couldn’t go on. I wanted out. Out of my job and my marriage. I wanted out of this other relationship. I wanted my own life. But, you see, addicted people cannot make good decisions about how to get what they need and want. I did get all I wanted by having an affair with a man in my church. While this method proved to be very efficient, only an addicted person could reason that this is a good way out of a painful life.

This affair quickly became public. Because the relationship was mutual, I did not feel responsible. I was never confronted with breaking the sacred boundary between a priest and a lay person. I was simply asked to take a leave of absence from the ministry and all this was swept under the rug. There was the usual gossip and speculation, but for three years I heard nothing from my church or any of my clergy friends. Basically the message was: go fix this. I continued the affair for almost a year because it was all I had left. My marriage and family and church were gone. Their silence was a way of punishing me for my wrong. But mainly they just didn’t know what to do or say. When, like I did, a professional violates the sacred boundary, he or she is in deep personal crisis. When a priest risks family and life’s work and financial security for a sexual encounter, it is a cry for help. Hand-slapping, moralizing, and ignoring may seem to be in order. They are in essence like correcting the grammar on your teenager’s suicide note. Listen to the desperation that is behind the action.

After several years I returned to the ministry. Before this could happen, I was interviewed by a committee of peers. Near the end of the hour it was I who brought up the relationship I had had with the man in my church. I knew that no one would mention the affair. I also strongly felt that this committee would have seen me as evasive and dishonest for what they could not bring themselves to say. I am sure that I would not have been allowed back into the parish if I had not opened the door for the incident to be explored. My open acknowledgement of the affair seemed to satisfy them. No questions were asked. Of course it has never been the same. This is not healed or forgotten. Not even time can heal that which is kept from the light of day. I often see disapproval in the eyes of my community. Sometimes it is really there – sometimes it is my own unfinished guilt.

Long after I returned to my parish work, my life still did not work. I lived like a victim – guilty and deserving of punishment. I had painful relationships and little success. I was not getting on with my life. In a stormy effort to get a family member into 12-step recovery, I found that for myself. Recovery has done for me what time and religion and therapy could not do. I have begun to heal and have hope for the future. For the first time in many years I have a life.

Recovery has helped me to see that the roots of sexual addiction are in early childhood experiences. Long before my mother sat me down to talk about the “facts of life” I had already formed my view of sex. At a very young age I got the strong message that sex is not OK – sex is bad – you must not do this or you will be punished. I grew up believing that if I were not a sexual person I would be good. To me sex was the only sin. Twice in my life I made attempts not to be sexual anymore. The first time was during a period of anorexia. At 90 pounds I looked more like a ten year old child than a 19 year old woman. Part of anorexia was an attempt to return to a time before I looked and felt like a woman. The second attempt, ironically, was when I married. My husband was more a brother than a lover and we had never been sexually intimate. I knew that sex would not be part of our marriage. I believed that sexuality was a choice, that I could decide to turn it on or off. I did not see sexuality as a God-given part of me. Everything about my sexuality was immoderate. Like that fear-filled child, I still believed that sex would bring on shame and punishment. Now I know that sexuality is a given – I only decide how and when that will be expressed. Looking back to early experiences is not about assigning blame. It is not about justifying any behavior. This is about looking back at parental attitudes and behaviors and making new decisions about my reaction. As a recovering adult I can choose not to accept my parents’ fear and shame about sex. I can decide that sexuality is a good and meaningful part of life. I am no longer trapped by my dysfunctional family life. I no longer see inappropriate sexual relationships as an answer. Nor do I see pleasing and caring for others as my first responsibility.

One of the greatest gifts of my recovery is a more healthy spirituality. For years I feared trusting God because I did not want to give up my true self. Trusting God might mean that I had to give up my addiction and have to live with nothing. Soon after beginning recovery I realized that trusting God and being my truest best self were the same thing. Every day I want more and more to be the precious, unique, creative person God made me to be. No parents to please, no people to impress, no image to maintain. I trust that ultimately being true to myself will also be the best thing for the people I love. I have let go of years of pain and guilt and responsibilities that were not my own. Through friends in recovery I have gained the courage to take care of my needs and wants in healthy ways. I am no longer in constant distress over my life’s direction. My higher Power once turned the sea into dry land so that some frightened people might find safety – a way was made for them. My God is making a way for me to get where I need to be. When painful times come, I am learning to ask, “What is the lesson – what could I learn from being in this mess?” I no longer see pain as my punishment, but as a necessary teacher.

In the years before my recovery I hurt a lot of people that I cared about. I have many amends to make. The greatest amend I owe is to myself. No one received more abuse, criticism, neglect, or punishment than my precious inner self. Being an ordained minister gave me a license to practice my codependent lifestyle. I had always been rewarded and respected for neglecting myself and for pleasing others. I now find a new level of respect and love from my recovering friends and from my other friends and family. As I have let go of old hurts and dependencies I have been gifted with new friends, and two very precious friendships have been restored to me.

Being a recovering person is my top priority and my greatest asset for being in ministry. My life was unmanageable for many reasons, and in many ways. Recovery has given me many unexpected gifts and strengths. I finally have begun to heal from the guilt and shame of my behavior, just when I had resigned myself to living with that the rest of my life. Through the Serenity Prayer I have discovered that one thing I cannot change is my past. It is done. What I can change is my attitude about my past, and the way that affects my future. I can see my story as a light to others who have lost their way. An important part of my own recovery is to say to others, “This is where I found Hope and a new life.”

I am in tears. This article really struck a chord.


Exactly.



Yes.


Yes.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I didn't mean to make you cry. I just wanted you to know others had struggled with the same issues and they have mangaged to overcome them. I got that particular article off of a website called http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/

Mark Laaser who runs Faithful and True ministries was a pastor who has a sexual addiction. He has dedicated his life to helping men and women overcoming this problem. And I just happen to be one of the men that one of the counselors he trained reached.

Art...you have helped me immensely already in the short time I have been to this site. Thank you a thousand times.

You see the quote at the top taken from the story you read. My life looked good, and perfect to some from the outside, and even looked good to my wife at times, but I was a mess on the inside. But now I would like to think I can use my life, my story, and help others. It is an important part of my recovery and it's where I find hope.

And you know what, I want you to find that same hope and I know you can. The right counseling, a willingness to open up and just step back through time and let those emotions be healed.

I was told this once, you can't go back and change all the hurts of the past. But Christ is beyond time and can go back in the past to heal those old wounds. Tell Him you want to leave those hurts and pains with Him at the cross and the next time you are reminded of them, think of Him at the cross and remember those pains and hurts are there with Him.

*smiles*

You are an angel.

Yeah, but I use to be a devil.

If I don't get a chance to post a message tomorrow, Happy Birthday. I hope all your wishes come true.

God bless you and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Thank you.

Hi secret... I am not a qualified person. Hell just 1 week ago I got officially diagnosed as a sex addict. Since then I realized how big this really is. I had for about 1 month and a half thought of this as a posibility, but even then, I though, well if anything, at least I will go to a few meetings and then be cured. I really want to be cured of this, but it takes work, time, and a lot of learning. You have to learn a lot about yourself. A LOT THAT YOU HAVE KEPT SECRET FROM EVERYONE, AND SOMETIMES EVEN FROM YOURSELF. I dont know what that might be, but if you are even 1% like me, everything that brings me the shame is related to my addiction. And that shame thrives in the secrecy, because it isolates you and causes you to feel ashamed and therefore you feel the urge to get involved in the things "that you deserve", which happen to bring you shame later on. Is a vicious circle.

I have read in 1 week so much that I feel my emotions change sometimes 2x a day in regards to my situation. I am very depressed with all the problem in itself, and add to that all the problems I caused to the one I love. And all the ones I will cause once I open up the extent of this. So I am very afraid and nervous. But I am going to hang on,. close my eyes and curse at the storm until its over. Talk to your counselor... seek a sexual addicts anonymous group in your area, they have great literature. Last week the one near me was bragging about their new book about sex addiction. When the group started reading from the book, not even past the second paragraph in the PREFACE (not even chapter 1 darnit), I was almost down on my knees. That was me right there... When we all shared our thoughts about what we read, I learned, everyone there was the SAME... just their addictions of choice were different, but they had the same problems. They also had the same goal. And the path to recovery is similar. You are not alone.

I am not sure of your problems and what triggers you, but I read this book (online free) called "He danced alone". Is sexual addiction thru the eyes of the addict. Is very explicit (he spared no details about his problem), but then, the way you see yourself (and I myself) is probably not sugar coated. You will think that the book is a mess of rambling... but no, is the mess of a life who didnt knew it had a problem until he said no more... those "ramblings" were exactly his life... the only life he knew because he got sucked in by it. I havent finished reading it, but I will tonight.

Hang in there.
Wish you well.

"shame thrives in the secrecy"

I'll agree with coldwater on this statement made above. An addictive cycle is kept in it's cycle partly due to the shame and emotions that are felt. When we keep these a secret it just builds up shame within us and helps the addictive cycle to repeat.

Speaking of shame, there is two ways to look at shame. Shame can with make you feel that you are bad, horrible person, or you can learn from it realize it's the actions that are bad and you just can't go back to the places where you repeat actions.

My birthday went well. Nothing bad happened. I went out by myself on Thursday night. There was some temptation but I resisted. My husband took me to a museum on my birthday. We had a good time. We spent the rest of the weekend together.

Tell me the details of the temptation and the feelings that went with it. I would like to know about how you are tempted and what you are feeling at the time. Sometimes that is important in understanding how to deal with those temptations.

And I'm glad you had a happy birthday.

My temptation is easy. I'm attracted to anything that is attractive. I flirt, seduce, play, etc. When I "lose" the game, I feel inadequate and like a complete failure. When I "win", I feel superior, powerful and special. I feed off of any attention I can get.

I'll explain the addition cycle then I'll tell you why I asked. It goes like this,

It always starts with some unmet emotion as the underlying cause of the addition, so that is the base.

Then you have the cycle.

1. Trigger
2. Ritual
3. Act of addiction
4. Remorse
Then back to the trigger

The trigger is always something that sets the addiction in cycle, which for you sounds like seeing someone who is attractive. So the hard part is avoiding anyone attractive, the you can't sprint the trigger.

The next part is the ritual, which is where the person starts heading towards the addicting. For you that would be the seduction, the play, etc. In the ritual phase it becomes very difficult to stop the addiction process unless something interrupts it. Left alone the addiction would complete.

The act of addiction is acting out, or doing what the addict is after. In other words they get what they want.

Then they feel remorse or guilt over what they did, which then redrives those base emotions resetting them again for the next trigger that comes along.

So, what you have to do is stand guard over your feelings, that is the best place to guard against the addiction. The second place is watch out for triggers and know what they are and avoid them or at least safe guard against them. That is your second best place to keep away from an addiction.

By the time you are in the ritual or the acting out....it's tough to pull.

I did get into the "ritual" phase. Luckily, the guy was gay. Whew. When I go out I mostly keep to gay bars because there is not a lot of temptation there. I mean, there is some temptation, but the chances of something happening is unlikely because, well, they're all gay.

It would be very hard to stop the "attractiveness" trigger because there are so many attractive men. Do I need to wear a blindfold when I go out? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, explore the thought then why attractive men. I know that sounds like a simple question, but why attractive men? What is it about them that makes them a trigger for you? I'm guessing they are the only one's you try to seduce and play? Is it a game of conquest? A challenge? Does it make you feel powerful? What are your feelings?