WS back to work yesterday--the day after telling OW I'd found out about A and he'd called and told her it is over. I learned he was going to a going-away dinner that evening and told him I would be joining him; turns out the dinner was cancelled but we had sitter and went out alone. He came home during lunch for a business receipt--I was out and my oldest forgot where I was (at mall) & I'd left cell at home, so he couldn't reach me. Came home, called him--he'd seen I'd taken his bag of receipts and left them on table (I'd gone through them previously--which is how I found out about A & confronted him). He said "I know what you're doing--taking inventory and we can't move forward with that attitude" (!). Told him I had left them out as he's been shredding things before we move! Then he comes home from work with that angry attitude; kids go to sitter's and we go to restaurant--so we can "talk rationally" because we're in a public place(neither one of us hungry d/t stress). Apparently my calling him and saying I would attend the dinner was an 'order' and "set the tone for the whole day." Told him that I was going to be more active in his work life, starting now and if he and OW were uncomfortable, too bad! He said OW was not at work; asked him if that concerned him or if was relieved--said relieved. But then tells me he is under so much pressure to act as if nothing is wrong at work; last Fri his CO (who is my friend's spouse) called him in the office to tell him he'd learned of a family hx of depression and H should be seeking help if needing it--of course H knew that I'd spoken with CO's wife and was livid w/me. Is very against being "labelled depressed."I thought I'd set boundaries w/her and sincerely never dreamed she would take my attempts to try and figure out why H and I had such probs and she would tell CO in a way he would question my H's job performance. However, since I have learned of A--which explains a lot of H's behaviors (OW is a single, subordinate officer he works with) the depression issue is less serious; in my opinion! H says is under pressure becuse either I or OW could report A to CO--she could say he had undue influence because he is a higher-ranking officer and essentially her boss. Told him I was not going to report him--I sacrificed too for him to get to this level (recently promoted) and the effect it would have on me and the family is not something I want to go through. My goal is for us to work on our relationship and be together. I have empathy for him, but he created this mess himself--having an A was his choice--I can't "make" him do something. I also know his anger is r/t his guilt and by being angry w/me he can somehow justify that I'm awful and OW is better. He just seems to be having issues that I am suspicious; told him I understand OW met needs in his life and that this is difficult for him but he has to know how he betrayed me and trust has to be earned over time. Also, that his R with her was not a real, day to day, warts & all experience. It was something just focused on the 2 of them and their needs (she was on the rebound).I guess he just thought I'd never find out, we'd move and all would be fine! We had 2 hours together and I tried to be empathetic and firm--have a friend giving me great advice based on her past experience--and H less angry by time I p/u kids--even joking and being like his old self for awhile. When I p/u kids he went to store--don't know if he called OW and didn't ask; 1 hang-up call later that night when I answered. After all this--anyone know how to balance my insecurities without making him so angry/pressured? Should I just keep reminding myself we move out of state 7/6 and OW will be gone? I feel bad that he has no one to talk to now besides me--feels CO was his friend also and now feels CO is supporting me. Any thoughts, anyone? Thanks!

You have a long hard road ahead. Rollercoater ride. He is mad because you found out and stopped it. He is afraid you will tell or OW will tell. He needs towrite her a NC letter asap. You read it and approve or not. Keep reading here and stick to this thread - don't hop around -stay with general ?? more people visit here. Take care of you first and be pleasant -I know why should we be nice. Because if not she will look good better than you.

Thanks realtor* for responding. I think your suggestion for the NC letter is wise--am a little afraid to "demand" this as I demanded when I found out that he call and tell her no contact. If it comes across as a threat he may retreat--though I told him that besides work, I or one of the kids will be with him at all times until we leave--will he balk at having me keep after him? He's a person who doesn't like to re-hash things "I've already said/done that so why do we have to keep talking about it" is a typical response for him. Thoughts?

Nope its not his ball game anymore. I have written my WH telling him of all the pain I have been thro these last 3 years. He better understand or we will not make it. Go to a marriage counselor. He needs to feel your pain. It gets worse as time goes by.

You're right; am going to bring it up tonight--any templates you would recommend?
Thanks!

Pain,

There are sample NC letters all over the place on this site.

Have your read any of the materials associated with MBer's?

You really need to if you haven't yet.

Basically a NC letter goes like this...

OW,

I have decided to end our relationship and stay home to work on my marriage to BS.

Please do not try to contact me. I will not reply to any contact in anyway.

I love BS and I need to make my marriage the best it can possibly be. My wife deserves it and so do I. I have hurt my wife and children terribly and will do anything to make it right.

Do not try to contact me ever again.

Signed,
WS

Along those lines...do not let him write anything remotely affectionate like good luck or I am sorry it has to end this way or any other crapola OK?

Clinical and over.

Reborn

I think you did great considering. You handled yourself quite well. Very good.

But that will not stop his bad attitude. He needs to realize the toll the EA/PA has had on his entire family, his career, friends, co-workers, relatives, pets, finances, life etc. The repair for the damage is on his shoulders.

U can both get help. You need a good MC who will give u 2 a plan. Search under the name Mulberry. She is a poster in another site who is counseling with someone named Jerry. YOu ought to read how Jerry talks frankly with both Mulberry and her H (the WS).

Read the books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Know that your H is in withdrawal and recovery will take a while. Pray for a clear mind/calm heart and lots of patience. Identify your boundaries and implement them. Setup your personal support group and if and you can do some phone counseling with Steve H @ MB, that w/b great. Steve will help you get a plan and in time if your H is willing help your H also.

The road to recovery is long but worth the journey if you both put effort into it and have a good roadmap (aka: plan).

take care,
L.