What I have learned to do and it's taken years...is to think first w/my head and my emotions come last.

It is soo counter to many of the ways we are...as females that is.

Think you way thru this. If he's going to see the differences, it happens only the way you decide it to. It's up to you. If he wants some bank info, and you want him to really see that scenario my friend used for her WH, then I'd call him up and say that you have something for him... (really PBL)...say it is important and that he needs to come by for a second to pick it up. He arrives. You answer door looking great. Very hurried. You have bags on door. Your daughter is going to friends for a few days or a relative to visit. You are on the way out the door. Too busy to talk really, but you say here's the bank info and here is just something I want to have you read. I guess what I am trying to say is I can't take this anymore this way. It's time for me to be happy. Hand letter. Shut door or walk your bags out to car. Be wearing new dress, hair, and heels. have daughter know you're "going on a short trip to clear your head" and when she tells your WH, it will be definitely mirroring the actions of a WS...It is not what you do it's the way that you do it.

Funny thing is, my friend who went on the cruise did so after it was I who went on a cruise with my son after I discovered another d day a few years back with my then H and monkeyho. After 2 days at sea, she had four shore to ship messages. She did NOT answer her phone, as messages were left. She would return them if they were urgent. None were. Just her H asking if she was ok. Her H apparently thought she'd either met somebody and went on cruise with him or else she was out being a wild and crazy girl on the high seas. My best friend back home, had this happen to her mother in law. Her father in law was and is a very respected TN lawyer. He got the midlife crisis problem. His beautiful, yet fortysomething, wife suddenly saw her H dating a legal secretary. What did she do? She moved out and took the kids. Bought a nice home in the suburbs of my old hometown. She took art classes, interior design classes, and in a period of six months, with only a legal separation, began a new life for herself. She did what I call a plan B sort of. I don't think there was a MB website back then. She just lived her own life and cut immediately her WH out of it. She lived happily. She sure had less money, but she only asked her WH for enough for a home and reasonable amounts for the kids and for support. Rest was all her. Her H returned about a year after she left. By that time, she said to me that she had almost really moved on.

And l liked the way she did it. When I first left Darth, she told me all about it. And she said this, "get a job...get on with your life. he may come back and he may not. but either way YOU will get a life...and He'll probably either regret it like H3ll within 3 years if he doesn't or isn't able to return."

Her idea was to become independent. To put on blinders. To let a WS know what it's like without you. She was not mean, angry, or disrespectful. She was just sick of the status quo of their marriage. No more affair tolerations for her. And it was tough...he is and was a very very good trial lawyer...Ironically, I would have used their firm had my divorce happened in TN...

I remember her saying to me that to attract a fly you gotta know the right kind of honey to use...

In her case, her H was after a secretary b/c she exuded independence. She was a pretty woman. Lived on her own. Didn't have money from a parent or family. Always smiling, etc. That was what was honey for her H. And she was always nice to him feeding his ego. Meanwhile my best friend's MiL was back then a mom with four kids...shuttling kids to and fro from different school each day...and kids activities...and having parties and social events to go to with her H...and cooking dinners...and being the good little wife. But she didn't show him some EN's as it were. Real life had set in for them. It was good, but it was not exciting. The OW made life different. She put a twist on the usual basically.

So in my friend's MIL case, when she herself moved out, started a whole new life, she mirrored what her H was doing...and what OW was doing. Suddenly she was reframed in mind of her WH. She was no longer the "taken care of wife". She was independent. Career oriented. She had an attitude that "now was her time to shine" and it showed. She was still a great mom...but she found time to go out to social events, looked great, and took classes and began a career...without ever looking to him. And he came back. Now they're grandparents. And happy.

There is something to deciding you will show the WS that it's your turn to get a life...

wow Peachy excellant story...... I guess it only makes sense when you think about it. Get a life and do what you need to do and be happy.... Believe me I am taking your ideas to heart here.

I have to make me happy and if in the meantime it shows WH what he is losing great. If not then I will still be living a life and moving on to happiness....

Well I found WH's paycheck.... I looked at my bank account this morning and low and behold there it was..... They must have used the account informaton from when he worked for them before..... No doubt he will change that when he finds out ..... But at least I now know he didn't spend it on OW ...

Good Morning Hurting!

Glad you found the check! & good to know he is not spending it on OW. So he really didn't know where it was.....

How are you doing today?

Kimberly

So far I am doing fine Kim... How about you? I was thinking of you last night. I know how hard this is and the first few nights of WH being gone was the hardest nights I ever had in my life.

Yeah I found the money but now what? I don't want to call him and tell him about it. But I know he has to be told. I can transfer the money into the other account for him with no problem. I just don't want to have to talk to him... So I am pondering how to do this... Plus I don't want to call the OW's home. I have never done it and I don't intend on starting now.... Because if she answers I don't know what I might say....

Someone give me an idea how to handle this money thing.... Do I call or what? I really don't want to talk to him...

Transfer the money to the other account. He'll figure it out. He'll call you sooner than later and when he does, just tell him in a short sentence to look in the other account. He'll more than likely ask why didn't you call me - - - blah, blah, blah. Don't even answer. Bye, bye.

Also, I agree with the post yesterday (can't remember who it was) about not being around even though you may not be going anywhere, car hidden etc. He needs to realize you're not going to be pining for him the rest of your life. They need a taste of their own medicine and it's NOT LBng.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM!!

Just transfer the money...if you need to...

He can likely use this as a reason to TALK TO YOU....

DARK! DARK! DARK!!!!

Do whatever it takes to STAY DARK!!!!

I had thought of doing just that , transfering the money into his account.

Oh believe me I have every intention of letting him see i am not sitting around here waiting. I have no intentions of speaking to him or seeing him. All that does is throw me backwards.

I have to move on regardless of what he is doing. I will be fine and I know it.

Not to worry Mimi I am not going to talk to him......

I will have my SIL call him and tell him I transfered the money .....

bumping in hopes of mortarman advice.... between Mimi and mortarman advice I can do this ..... Mortarman please see if you can give me some advice to go along with Mimi's great advice

bump .......