She was talking about the romantic /lust thing starts to wear away in that time span. So she feels that why it was so easy for him to leave her and go on the road. Who knows we shall see.....

I hope the other toy becomes broken beyond repair soon... LOL Oh well onlly time w ill tell....

Hurting,

Thank you for sharing that analogy from your IC. I am glad you are going & I am considering it for myself as well.

You sound great and am glad to see you believing in yourself as a strong person. Good for you!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Each day is a step toward you getting even stronger. Happier(of course, there will still be those down times). Just keep it up and remember that we are all whole people without our WS.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Trying to get WH out of the house!

.

LOL!!! Me too!!!

LOL Lady !!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Gotta get to bed.... Good night Hurting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good nite Lady .... Sweet dreams

hurting, when does your job start?

I started today .... Only worked a couple hours for training... Next week start the long hours ..... TY for asking ..

Just saw your earlier post recapping today. Sorry I missed that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> IC and new job in 1 day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I think great things are ahead for you. A little extra cash and a new attitude with self-esteem on the rise. I'm glad things are getting brighter for you. With the peace of plan B and the improvements you are making in your life, you & your family will benefit so much!! If WH ever gets his head out of the fog I'm sure he would be impressed too.

Did you ever check out www.flylady.net that Believer had suggested? I do the fly lady thing too...just having established routines is a God send when the rest of your life is turmoil.

Hurting - Have a great night!! Off to get some shut eye!

Confused - Kim here - I have heard about that link. Thanks for posting it, gonna check it out myself.

Kim

Confused,

yes I did check out flylady and its real nice site. A lot of good ideas.

Yes I am starting to see things will get better for me and the kids. Its took me way to long to get here though. I do believe one day WH will get his head from his butt. But who knows when that will be. In the meantime w e will move on and make a life, if he ever decides to join us that will be a blessing....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It's a blessing for you that you got such a great IC!

Good morning all,

I am feeling pretty good this morning. Last night was the first night in a long time I slept without dreams. I actually slept until 8:15... Thats a first as well most of the time I am up by 6. I guess the IC session really helped me yesterday. What she said to me and me realizing now I do have a plan and good plan makes the difference.

Mimi if you read this please look at my post of my IC session and tell me what you think.... Plus working last night even though for only a few hours made me feel good. Life is getting better....

My previous post to you was in reference to your IC session.

I thought it went wonderfully.

Sometimes I can't post much while at work.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Oh I didn't see it I will look .....

Ok something else my IC said has got me to thinking. We were talking about what would I do if WH wanted to come home would I let him. I told her no not right now he would have to prove he really wanted to come home and work on our M. So she said to me you won't let him come home but when he waned to have SF with you you allowed it. I said yes because its one of his EN's . She said look at it this way you will give him your body but not your home. I have thought about that since yesterday, and it really made me feel bad.

She is right why would I give him something so precious but not my home? She said you need to have him prove he wants the M and the home before you can give him you. She is so right about that.

We also talked about his pattern of showing up like every week and half to 2 weeks. She said since you see a pattern in that , you need to break that pattern and not allow him any access at all. Which is what I am doing now. She said be prepared for his anger and frustration. I do know once he figures out I am dead serious he will become angry, and I will admit I am fearful of it. Not that he would do anything stupid or abussive just fear of him never coming back. But its a risk I guess I have to take.

We also talked about how I keep saying the OW is not a moral person or have any concern for anyone but herself. So she said well what about your H is he a moral person? The light buld went off, no he is not. If he was he would have never done this to me and our family....

So yesterday really woke me up a lot. I guess I was trying to make OW the bad person while overlooking WH's morals and uncaring decsisions. I guess I was blinded by love for him and seeing only the bad in OW. So now I have to come to grips WH is not a person whom I can see good character or morals in at this time.

So much to think about now. Will he ever be a moral person again or am I just fooling myself that he can overcome this and be someone I can be with again. I hope I can work all this out in my mind because I do still love him and want our M.

Confusion is all I feel right now.

Hurting, All BS who may one day be faced with a WS who wants to come 'back' (and if not, consider a new relationship some day) need to be asking some of the questions you're raising. Thanks for sharing.

Seeing an IC and working? Things are looking up for you, for sure.

Take care.

Luna,

I never really thought of these things until yesterday. It was a light bulb moment for sure.

I do know at this point in time I still want my H and marriage but it will take a lot of work on his part.

I have removed the blinders for sure and now see things for what they really are. WH and OW both are liars and cheaters who one day will have to answer for their sins. Yes, I am still willing to forgive and move on to a better marriage if he so chooses. I am now seeing him in a different light though he is weak and scared. I have to be the strong one now and show him the way home, or that I can live without him if thats how it turns out.

Which ever way its going to be a long road to travel.

What I have found, in my life, and in the lives of some of my friends who have endured infidelity, is that the entitlement issue is the heart of some of the WS claims.

It's this feeling of entitlement that creeps in some times into people's lives that makes them become a WS...or just s#rewed in the head.

Like for example...me at work. I am working hard every day. Sometimes I take call, emergency call. And I go without zzzzz sometimes. But it is a good job, steady job, and the money is good too. And my coworkers are nice, and despite some of the actions of the cfo of my hospital and some stupid deeds on the behalf of the execs, it's a good place to work. A few weeks ago, after feeling very tired and worn out, idea pops in my head that "hey...I deserve a new job. One that will give me what I want. One where I don't have to work call or a holiday here adn there. I DESERVE IT!"

Just a few weeks earlier, I had been happy at work.

Now I am becoming a bit happier at work again.

I think the mind of the WS works abit like that in the entitlement area. Even decent people can have this happen. But it is the REACTION to the feeling that makes somebody a WS or not.

And after they act, they find it harder and harder to go against this new feeling...like it wakes up your emotions and your endorphins or something. .

It is being driven by emotion...a need...and when you get the fulfillment of the need met by the "entitlement" feeling.

What ever "sprung" the feelings of this in your WH, I'll bet you should zero on that EN...whatever woke up the feeling of "entitlement" should be a focus...after he does return and you end B.

But for now, you need to let him see that not all things are worth chasing after. Let the OW love bust her heart out! It is amazing what happens when you let them have the OP. I've had a sideline ticket at this stupid event for the last 2.5 years now. And I feel wierder than ever about it...

B will give you clarity. It will give him a chance to see if he was right in following his entitlement...and his hormones.

Once the truth is laid out before him, he may not like it as much.

Should he try the 2 week contact again, be decent, yet quick and rebuff him through a shut door. I like the poster here (I think it was Mortarman)who handed his WW the plan B letter copies when she'd try to contact him...for stupid stuff.

And yea, although I am divorced, I am somewhat still in my own plan D/B. I always get stupid emails from my xh. Today got one more. He is always as it seems fishing to get SOME kind of reaction from me...on anything...about anything...why I know not. I just don't reply very much.

It's their desire to have their desires basically. If I were you, I'd read the post in divorced/dating about "social value/worth". It is really good. It is good to show you how you can reframe your pecking order in a relationship. Made me think. And it would do you a world of good since you're showing him what plan B is like. And it is something good to know...for I believe he will try a feeble attempt at returning. It is up to you to turn his feeble attempt into something more...and you can do it. It just takes some mental ju jitsu...use his waywardness against him basically.

I once posted to a woman here, who is still in somewhat limbo, to do the mirroring of a WS. That means, mirror the ways of the wayward. And it's hard to do that in plan B. But you could do it a little. You could hand him a copy of the B letter (add in a little of "I need to find my own happiness now...and your living with ow is too painful for me to bear anymore") in the letter helps. You could let him walk 2 steps in front door...let him see packed bags, (or your could leave them out on front steps as though you're tossing them in the car), have airline tickets out or travel brochures. And look dynamite. And spout out things like "I can't do this. We can't see each other anymore. Read this. It explains why I have to do what I have to do." Then shut door. And I'd have my car missing for at least 3 days, along with vmail on, cell phone is unanswered, etc , .

You gotta reframe their reality. There has to be a consequence for their actions. And as a psych minor, mirroring as I've learned, is good.

Example I used in mirroring. My son did NOT want to study for his spelling test. I would ask him to study with me and he would not. So when it came to dinner time, I sat with him and asked to play his gameboy. I then turned on the tv to a cartoon channel (you gotta get on their level...whether a first grader or a WS so they can get it). I pretended to be having tons of fun. When my son said "hey mom...I am hungry. When is dinner?" I said to him that I was hving too much fun playing and didn't FEEL like cooking dinner for us. He then said "but mom. You gotta cook us dinner. We will be hungry. Please?" I said, I will cook dinner when I feel like it. Just like you don't feel like studying for your spelling test. He got it right then. Next thing I know, he is sitting down asking me to spell with him...and after we do that, I get down to cooking dinner...and made dessert too!

You gotta get on their level. Try to at least. And then along with the plan B letter, they have to see that there is a difference in action. A dramatically different action...one that scares them..because it is like what they are doing. Nobody knows how to be W like a WS. And when they see you becoming a little that way, they panic.

Read the article I mentioned. Should get u to think.

And you can change some dynamics. We can't ourselves change another person. But our actions could be a catalyst to illict the change, or to help begin the change in somebody else. Why I am a fan of behavioral psych.

Peachy,

Ty for your post and I will find post on social value/ and worth. I enjoyed reading what you had to say it makes a lot of sense to me.

While at work tonite I got a phone call , I thought it was DD as I got on the phone its was WH. He wanted to know if I knew about his paycheck and if they had put it in my account. I told him I have no idea. I told him I thought you were not doing direct deposit yet. He said no I said ok then bye.... Now see he is calling on my job already. My boss knows we are seperated but does not know the whole story. I don't want it spread around my job. So now I have to worry about him calling there.

I also worry about him coming up there on the weekends when he is home. I sure can't make a scene at work.... Why can't he just leave me alone???? I sure didn't need to hear his voice, it got my emotions going again .....