SC...what is it that you're offering as an alternative for him? You're very much correct that she will blame him for the alienation of her family...however, the affair, the need for exposure, etc. are "all of HIS fault"...He is very much aware of what you're saying, I said it a few days ago to him....He doesn't have a choice....she has got to go...or they're headed to Plan D to accomplish her going....

you're not telling him anything he is not fully aware of...

SC, you are exactly correct in your response. :-)

Is there someone incorrect??

SC,

First of all, don't feel like you are badgering me since I appreciate any rational insight into what may be going on within my WW head.

Second, my IL's have tried to make an effort to re-include my WW back into the family fold by inviting her over for dinner, not being as judgemental, giving her support, however some of her actions, including her occasional disrespect for her mom and putting work ahead of our kids deeply uspets her parents and they let her know about it.

Now I don't know if her working late is because she is with OM or truly working late...I just don't know and don't want to know right now since it will take me back where I don't want to go. Of upmost importance to her parents is the well being of our kids and hr parents, especially her mom rakes her over the carpet when she sees her daughter not being the mom she knows she used to be. That is what it comes down to.

My WW has not told her parents when she plans on moving in with them, just that it will happen. I asked my MIL if she knows anything and she knows nothing of my WW plans. So there is some respect issues that my IL's are clearly uspet with.

JL, I agree that this will be a major hurdle for any sort of reconciliation, but they are showing that they love her by taking her in, helping her find a new place, helping with our kids, etc. My IL's don't want to be my WW baby sitter while she goes out to enjoy her new single life.

Just last week my BIL (her oldest brother) offered to help her move (offering an olive branch) but she rudely said she doesn't need his help and hung up the phone on him. The guy started crying cause he loves his sister and wants to remain close with her. So I belive the family with slowly pull back together but it will take time and complete abscense of OM.

This is exactly what I explained to my parents and why they came to talk to my WW to tell her that they still care for her and don't hate her.

I want her relationship with her parents to improve, but that will take time and only if OM is out of the picture. They won't accept him, it is that simple. I have a feeling that my WW wants to keep him as a low key boy friend maybe so we will see how that goes.

Well I've taken a quasi-break from the MB forums since it was occupying much of my time and preventing me from focusing on other things besides my WW and the breakdown of my M. It has really helped and I'm feeling so much better these past couple of weeks. I find that I can now hold a conversation with someone without drifting off and thinking about the situation with my WW.

My WW said I should be getting the LS papers today or early next week from her lawyer. Then it is Plan B time.

I'm taking better care of myself, dressing better and this is reflected in an improved self-esteem. The best part is that I am listening to "happy" music again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Last night I went out with some old and new friends and we had a great time. I left the house looking and smelling great and could feel a little swagger returning to my stride. I told my WW that I should be home by 9:00 but didn't return until midnight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

My kids called me on my cell to wish me goodnight before the went to bed at 8:30 and I could hear my WW say in the background "tell daddy I hope your having a good time". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

This morning she asked what I had for dinner and I sense she was slightly curioius about where I went and who I went with.

There is NO way I would have been able to do this a couple of months ago since I was still caught in the aftermath of d-day, however I was suprised at how I was able to enjoy myself for the first time in a very, very long time.

I will NEVER, NEVER allow myself to return to the depths of dispair that I found myself in only a few short months ago. The stronger I become, the more sure I am of this.
I will never allow anyone to hurt me the way my WW hurt me.

I've also noticed that fear doesn't paralyze me any more. Fear used to impair my daily life and prevent me from focusing on what is important. I don't know what happened but I know that whatever occurs in my life, I will be fine. I am also noticing that I cannot tollerate bullsh1t anymore.

For any new BS's reading this...I want you to know things WILL get better, with or without the WS. It just takes time.

It feels good to feel strong and capable, doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I think back to where I was last year or even the year before, I will never allow myself to sink that low again. I have grown so much,learned so much about myself, my confidence and self esteem have returned...it feels good to be "me" again. I lost "me" for awhile...

Sounds like you got reintroduced to yourself. Congratulations! You are keeping good company. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

c42, that pretty much sums up how I feel too. I'm glad to hear you're also doing well.

As I look back to see why I lost "me", I think it has a lot to do with CA. Although I'm much better at not avoiding conflict, I still have room for improvment. But I think that is why I don't put up with crap as much as I used to.

Hey Hope

I've been reading all along but haven't had much to offer as you moved into unfamiliar territory for me. Glad to hear about your night out and that you're feeling better about life every day. The fact that your wife even barbed you a little about means she's interested in what you're up to, not altogether a bad thing!

This is the one year anniversary of my FWW's "PA weekend" and I don't feel too bad about it at all. She's better than ever now so I have nothing to complain about.

Just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you daily and I hope your situation keeps improving, with or without your WW.

mflake, it is so very good to hear from you again my friend. You've been very helpful for me throughout this process and I'm so glad you M is doing well.

Yesterday I sent my ww and email asking if I needed to pick up food for the kids lunches and I also said that I put some extra money into the shared account since it had gone into overdraft. I told her I couldn't add anymore since I'm down to a few dollars in my own account and I don't get paid until next week. I asked how she was doing and said that I hoped she was having a good day.

Well she responed after I left for home so I didn't get a chance to read it until this morning. She just laid into me about not pulling my share and that I don't do anything for her and she can't understand the reason for my email. There were many DJ's including saying that I should stop putting money into stocks since I's so short on cash. I own stocks, but haven't purchased new stocks in months!

It really pissed me off since I just asked her a question and informed her of the account balance and then she came back with guns blazing.

So this was my response...


Weren't the LS papers supposed to be here by now?


I know this in not Plan A material, but I refuse to be treated like crap anymore.

Has she moved out?

Could reality be setting in? Or as LS is getting closer she is trying to distance you more? Push buttons...making you look like the bad guy so she is justified for leaving.

Plan B is just around the corner. Are you ready?

No, and will not until the LS is signed.


I would have to say justification is the source of her anger with me. I have done MANY things that rational people would consider kind, however she only sees what she wants to see right now. The blinders are on!


I am ABSOLUTELy ready for Plan B. No doubts. In fact I think I will THRIVE not having to deal with the daily turmoil.

Last night my WW was working late so my IL invited me over for dinner. It was SO nice having someone at the dinner table to takes the time to converse with you. I almost forget how that feels.

So YES I'm ready C42.

HTW..I posted to you before I read my thread. Sorry for the repeat question <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.



Do you have your plan B letter done? Do you have an intermediary set up? Did you figure out a plan for parenting time?

My Plan B letter has been ready for several weeks now and has been reviewed by some of the board members. I will probably post it one more time to get some last minute advice.

As for an intermediary, I am thinking of using my SIL or MIL, I haven't decided as of yet. NC will be very difficult with kids so I will have to work at staying dark. My IL's still want me to go over and have meals there once in a while, but I don't know how I will feel about that once I'm into Plan B.

The unofficial parenting time will be one week with each parent with one evening visitation (probably Thrusday nights). This is going to be extrememly difficult since I will miss my kids enourmously. It really sucks!

Other than that I'm doing fine and my "turnaround" story as my WW's nephew calls it, is unfolding nicely. Her nephew and I have developed a really close bond over the last couple of years and he has helped me through some of darkest days. I'm supposed to be like a mentor to him since he is 20 years old. The funny thing is that he has been doing much of the mentoring over the past several months. He is a great kid and has substance to his charcter. Of course my WW doesn't appreciate our friendship. What else would you expect.

Well last night I went out again with a friend to a new establishment in my area and had a wonderful time. I met some new people and we talked and had a great time. It's funny how going out and meeting new people can really help take the focus off of the WS and put things into perspective a little.

I like to think of this as a transition period between the end of my Plan A and beginning of Plan B. I think my WS is realizing that I'm ready to move on and start a new life for myself.

Just thinking of you...

Isn't it nice when someone actually enjoys your company? We know you are witty, wonderful and interesting...be careful.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks C42, it's so good to hear from you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes is is nice when someone enjoys your company and it does wonders for your self esteem and confidence. As a BS we spend WAY to much time focusing on the WS that we sometimes make things worse by withdrawing from other social events that make us more attractive in the eyes of the WS.

As for being careful, well I'm doing the best I can knowing that I am extremely vulnerable to having my EN's met by someone else. It wouldn't take much to fill up my $LB so I do have my guard up somewhat.

BTW, I will be going out again tonight and expect to have another wonderful time with a close friend of mine. I haven't had this much fun in a very long time and I am kind of looking forward to being "single" again. It doesn't mean I don't still love my WW or that I don't want my M, only that I will make the best of what I have been given.

Don't expect me to stay at home pining over her when she is gone...that won't happen. My TAKER has overtaken my GIVER so I'm making the best of it by doing things for myself, not at my WW's expense however.

Hey, Hope....When was the LS going to be signed??? You seemed to be transitioning to a state that I'm in, albeit, slower due to WW still being there. This may mean your love for W is near a critical point of "lowness".

When she does leave, you'll notice a bit of a "recharging" of feelings for your W, but it won't be painful...I can tell you are going to do just fine!!!

I have been "dating" a few times, but just casually...not allowing myself to get involved...even with this one "hottie" I went out with!! She knows my situation, and agrees to just "hang out". Yes, she is meeting some of my EN's, but with the knowledge of MB pricipals, we can keep perspective of what our marriages truly mean to us....and continue to keep hope. But, ultimately, time will tell us to let go for good. It won't be in one "eureka" moment, but we are creatures of love, and for most, the desire to be with a mate will override a past relationship.

Godspeed, my friend!
MWIL

Have a good time tonight.

I was away for a couple days and had a pretty good time myself. I went to Atlantic City w/ my parents they go down so often they had 2 rooms as comps so we stayed over. I went into Philadelphia last week and saw a show w/friends.The kids and I went up to my sister's for a couple days (they are on spring break). Its funny...I am a very social person by nature...in the last few year I haven't gone out too much, I was waiting for WH to go out w/me...he had better things to do.

So I agree that it does boost your self-esteem and make you more attractive all around...sitting at home having panic attacks didn't do me any good. I guess you gotta let the TAKER out once in while.(I try to keep mine on a leash.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well the latest is that she has had some "trouble" with her lawyer and things had to be "rearranged". So she said I will be receiving the papers "shortly". Whatever all that means <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Are those feelings you experienced part of you withdrawal process?


Good for you! I bet you feel a whole lot better about yourself now and that surely is detected by your WW.

I think I will find it hard being contact with my WW once we seperate and I don't know how you do it without being negatively affected by it.

When she was still around, I felt the same way!!! It helped that SH advised me, and that I was in Plan B for 3 weeks...gave me some time to reflect. I didn't think I would be able to heal with contact....but I have...as soon as I put ME above WW. Not in a condescending way, only in a "self-esteem" way...if that makes sense.

Some say now she is cake-eating....but with the knowledge that I have of Affairs and the dynamics...I look at this as a full time job...not obsessing...but when the opportunity comes up...of doing a "Dazed-like" Plan A!

Not sure where your sitch will end up, or the advice you'll be given....but knowing you from these boards...you'll be wonderful after a few weeks of adjustment, and social fun with others.

And wrt your kids schedule...it's quite different from mine, but down the road, when you don't feel any pain interacting with WW, approaching her to do family things may help with the lengthy seperation from your kids.

Keep up the good work! For some reason...I don't know where it comes from, but I feel 6 months or so from when she leaves....she's going "look for Hope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Godspeed, my friend!
MWIL