I refused to begin dating until my divorce was completely final.....in large part due to all my MB experience, and the belief that you are married until you are officially divorced (and that there's always the risk you'll try to patch things up and work it out if the Dv isn't final). Also, I was burned by the fact that I was longing to work things out with my now exH for so long, when in fact he was dating almost the entire time we were separated. I'd hate to be dating someone who had a pining wife somewhere (like I was).

Actually, I didn't even begin dating until 4 or 5 months after the Dv was final, and honestly, I haven't been dating in any great sense, first or second dates are all I've managed to achieve in the year or so since I've been divorced.

Well now, for once, I met someone at a BBQ/banquet kind of event instead of online. We only briefly met, but I made such an impression that he asked a mutual acquaintance about me, and long story short, I gave the mutual friend the go ahead to give him my number. He is a genuinely nice, intelligent guy that I enjoy talking to! (Big EN met there!) We have many similar interests too. However, I found out tonight that he is in the midst of his divorce, all papers are filed but it won't be final until late fall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I asked him for details about this, and he has NO desire to be with his ex, and has no contact with her, other than having run into her a couple of times in public, and even then only been mildly cordial.

I'm frustrated. I had the personal policy of not dating separated people. I didn't find out that he was separated and in the midst of a divorce until the near end of the second date (tonight) - I usually find that kind of info out earlier because when you meet someone online you email a bit before you meet.

Sigh....I think I'll have to bring it up with him the next time we talk. We already set up plans to get together again next week, before the divorce topic came up. I was going to write that I'll need confirmation from him that he's definitely filed....but he SAYS he has....

Am I being silly feeling a little odd about the fact that he's not yet officially divorced? I finally met someone nice and now my personal rules are making me feel like I may be doing something wrong.

Thoughts anyone?

Jen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Stick to your guns. All the reasons you didn't do it are certainly valid fo rhim as well.

This is way to early to be compromising principle.

If he is honestly interested in you he will respect and wait for the divorce to be final.

OTOH I see no reason not to keep in touch, over the phone, or maybe even meet out for drinks every now and then.

But I would not get intimate with him until the divorce is final

Also, be just a bit leary the the back of your mind that while his interest may be genuine, it also may be a rebound from a divorce. Divorces can mess people up. So take your time, be patient.

[color:"blue"]Jen - [/color]


Jaye is right. Stick to your personal rules. They will serve you well and possibly keep you from heartache and future problems. The fall is only a few months away, not really THAT long. Share the "no dating til D" principle, and he should respect you for it. Then tell him you want to be the first person he calls when the D is official <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, Jen. Mr. Wonderful isn't so wonderful after all is he? You didn't find out he was still married until the end of the second date. He deliberately withheld very important information from you. He should have disclosed this to you right from the start when you first spoke on the phone. Then you could have made a decision about whether or not to go forward or tell him to give you a call when his divorce was final. He owed it to you to provide you with this information so you could make an informed decision, but chose not to do so. This should be a major red flag for you. Is it a deal-breaker? Maybe not, but at the very least, he owes you an honest explanation for withholding this information and an apology. If you don't get that, I can't see how you could have a healthy relationship with him.

I'm not sure if you should be waiting around for his D to be final. I don't know this man's circumstances, but not only does he have not business becoming involved with another woman right now, but unless he and his wife have been seperated for quite awhile, he won't have any business doing so in a few months either. The biggest mistake men make is jumping back into the game too soon after a D. If we don't give ourselves time to heal, we choose the wrong woman for all the wrong reasons. And let's be honest about this. The number one force driving us to do this is that we are horny.

People often have what I consider odd ideas about when a marriage ends and what a divorce becoming finalized means. My opeinion on this is that when we take our marriage vow, we pledge ourselves until death. The instant a spouse utters the words "I have filed for divorce," he/she has broken their vow and spiritually, the marriage is over from that moment. The rest of it is laywers making money. Does that mean that all bets are off and the partners can strart dating again? Uh, no. What about on the day the D is final? Is it now OK to get out there and start looking? Again, no. It all depends on the individual circumstances, but more often than not, one is not ready to start dating again for quite some time after the divorce is final. It takes time and a lot more to get over the loss of a marriage and a new man/woman too soon in the process only complicates matters.

Whenver we decide to have a relationship with someone who is divorced, we must proceed a bit differently than we did when we were "single." Jen, if you choose to give this man a chance, it is imperative that the two of you have a very honest conversation about your previous marriages, divorces, and your feelings about them. This doesn't mean that you have to provide intimate details of your private relationship with your former spouses. If this new man is still angry, hurt, or disillusioned, with his ex, or if he is confused, cannot articulate how he feels, or hedges on important questions, he is not ready to be dating again. This doesn't mean that he cannot be sad and regretful about the demise of his marriage, but he should be to the point where he can talk about it objectively. He should even be to the point where he can talk about the good qualities his ex has - and she does have some.

I dated someone twice before I found out his D wasn't final. "Oh, we;re just waiting for the paperwork. We're both ready for the D. We've been separated for a while." He assured me it was just a matter of paperwork finality.

I struggled with this as well. He was very nice.

All I could picture was my ex during our separation. (remember he had an A). I could picture him out there saying "Oh, we're just waiting for the details. My W is Ok with everything. We're both ready for the D, ready to get it over with..." etc. While I was sitting at home praying, crying, heartbroken, and trying Plan A, B, and everything else I could to hope for a miracle for our marraige to be put back together. So, that's all I could picture his poor wife doing. SO I didn't want to see him anymore.

The other thing is i really think people that jump immediately into new relationships are not allowing themselves time to heal... and time to live alone for a lil bit. They are *needing* someone in their life, and that's the wrong reason to date/marry.

Just my 2 cents.

Uh...can we say NO? Jen my friend...my girl...he had all the time in the world before date 1 to tell you...

He is definitely just needing somebody there. He hasn't had enough time to heal or get ovr things. His wife may feel same thing you felt. Do not become an OW...we have enough of them in denial as of now!

Never believe the words of somebody who's proven that truth is kinda a grey area to begin with. Could you trust Mr. Wonderful after knowing this?

If you don't feel like he was deliberately misleading you, ask if you can talk to his wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dobie

You're gonna do the right thing...we know you will...your heart n head are in right place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here's my two cents: While I agree it's reasonable to wait until he is divorced we have to allow for some understanding that people heal from D at their own rates. Picking the day a person is legally D is arbitrary. Certainly people can begin to heal when they separate, when they have an understanding of the reasons for D, their role in the breakdown of the marriage, when they have made efforts to repair the marriage, etc.

There are people who can't let go of the idea of being married to the person they intended to stay with for ever, the shock of infidelity, abuse, these are all things some people need to heal from. Healing can begin when they allow it, when one is ready to move on & share themselves with a new person. Is it six weeks after the separate or six years after the final papers are signed? Who knows, it's up the the individual.

So, each person & each D is unique & we need to talk with people to know where they are on the mental & emotional health meter. Picking the day they sign the papers may have no bearing at all.

I think I'm with CheckURHeart on this one.

I did start talking to a few people before the divorce was final. Though I wouldn't do it again - it would have been better to have waited longer - at the point I did start talking to other people, there was no going back, and I had started talking to them thinking the divorce was going to be final any day. It actually took about 3 months longer, because my XH had neglected to follow through with setting a court date (he was the one who filed.)

But even though I expected the divorce to be final at any time, I made it clear, both in the personals I put on-line and to the couple of guys I talked to, that I was NOT yet divorced, and if they had a problem with talking to me because of that, I understood completely. And that until the divorce was final, I didn't really want to date per se, I just wanted to start e-mailing and maybe talking on the phone to start getting to know a little about each other. I also told them that I didn't want to unload about the divorce to them, but that they should feel free to ask anything they wanted. I wanted to make it clear that I didn't have anything to hide.

If he had made sure you knew right up front, it would still be a little troublesome, but at least then you wouldn't be worrying about his honesty. Because he waited that long to tell you, it gives you cause to think he may not see too much of a problem in keeping things from you. And even if he wasn't hiding it from you, it does mean that he was making a judgement for you, rather than letting you decide on your own. He had no way of knowing if you would be all right with the situation, or if it would make you feel like you were being a party to cheating.

And all that is before you even get to the question of whether or not he's really healed enough from the loss of the marriage, considering it hasn't quite ended yet.

Thing is, I have the feeling that if you were sure he was completely forthcoming about everything, and if you were getting a good feeling that he really had gotten a good ways through the healing process, you wouldn't even be here asking this question. I don't think it's just your personal rules that are making you feel odd - most people can make exceptions to the rules when it makes sense to do so. I'm guessing that it's the situation that's making you feel odd. And if I'm right, then you need to be VERY careful here!

I was in the same situation, but found out later than you that this "wonderful" man was still married, but separated, going through a divorce.... I later discovered it was the first of many half-truths and outright lies. His divorce was final about 4-5 months into our relationship. We did continue to date (against my better judgment, but I thought I was "in love") for almost a year and a half. Needless to say, when he ended the relationship, I was very hurt. I now realize I was his "rebound" between his 2nd and 3rd marriages. If I had it to do over, I would definitely run, not walk, away, no matter how wonderful and kind and caring and all that he was to me. Hate to sound so negative, but I wouldn't want you to be in my shoes down the road....