I did not want to thread jack Lost at 18's thread...

My XW's niece, a stunning 22 year old teacher "hooked up" with a 32 YO policeman she met while in school. He is a State University Policeman she met while working for the college. I found out about this guy while XW and I were seperated, divorced and trying to move. XW was asking my perspective as a "single man". My response was that it was sexual and would pass. It was then that she told me "He is married, but seperated". His wife moved about 25 miles North of where they live and work (Niece and BF). In the last two years she has caught him in numerous lies about his status. He has "been with" his wife numerous times. Needing to "go to the city for training" numerous times. Her Aunt and I have discussed the realities with her. That he tells her that "she will go nuts if I divorce her". That she is not stable is a bunch of bun , he's a cake eater. Just 2 months ago he announced to niece that "4 years ago wife and I were on a list for an exclusive neighborhood and we were selected now. I need to get my head together and decide if I'm going to put an offer in home with my wife".

Niece is a mess at that point, says she is done. Comes to our house as we try to console and tell her she is doing the right thing. That he has lied to her for years. She is a mistress and can never "Compete" with a wife. There are reasons why he is not divorced that he is not saying. That they did not just "talk" about the house, it was always assumed he would be back by wife. I go as far as to tell niece "Do you think that you're his first college student?" She tells me that she knows she is not!!! I am flabbergatsed!! But, niece says she won't ever take him back...week later "he comes to his senses and niece takes him back.

Here's the kicker..the question.

Nieces parents don't know full situation (the wavering between daughter and wife). Their position is she is an adult and makes her own decisions but they clearly do not agree. Next week her parents are havinga party and I will finally meet this dirtbag and XW and niece know me well enough to know I will "Call him out". Tell him what a [censored] bag he is and that I know his type. I also have this issue with cops...they don't mean crap to me when they're out of uniform and don't have that big stick to use...however they tend to forget they don't have this stuff. I never met this guy and I want to expose him for the assbag he is...

How do I do this when it appears everyone already knows the story?

More important. Ideas on how to convince niece she is in for such a big fall?? This is truly the love of her life. She has already, at a young age taken way too much crap. Trust me a young woman with her looks and maturity is used to being in charge...and she is not with this guy...she melts...I am looking for a different approach than I have used in the last two years which is just plain reasoning and explaining the love I have for my FWxW (as we both explained to her our positions).....

Sorry for verbose post...

SMW, you want to save your niece and you must know by now that you can't. I don't think there's anything you can say/do at this point. Her parents know, she knows...whole family knows? I feel you're going to cause yourself a lot of heartache.

Really, I think about the only constructive thing you could do at this point as to invite the wife to the party. Of course you would inform her of WHY you're inviting her so there's no suprise on her part.

Wow - tough one. The unfortunate thing here is that once you've shown her all the facts, as you have, and she still takes him back, there may not be much else you can do.

There's one thing I didn't see you talking to her about that you might want to try, especially if he and his wife are both going to be at this party. Talk to her ahead of time, and tell her that at the party, she needs to take a good, hard look at his wife. Because let's just say she's right, and he does leave his wife for her. In a few short years, she will BE that wife. Walking around oblivious, while the jerk is running around with some new 22yo. He'll be telling some pretty young thing how crazy his wife is, and how he's afraid she might hurt herself if he leaves her. Encourage her to go talk to the wife and see for herself just how unstable the wife seems.

I don't know that I'd call the guy out in public, though. That could actually backfire. It might make the niece feel sorry for him. And if the wife doesn't know, and you out him in public, she could end up acting in a way that makes her seem a little crazy. We all know what the emotions of this kind of situation can do to a person.

What I would do is make sure niece talks to this guy and his wife. Even if he has gotten to be an accomplished liar, I would bet that your niece will be acting VERY guilty in that situation. And if the guy has been at this a while, your niece acting guilty like that will put her radar up. Plus, talking to them like that makes the wife real to her. Right now, his wife is just an abstract concept that makes her easy to just not think about. I think it will be a lot harder for your niece to just not think about her once she's met her and the wife becomes a real person she knows.

Since her parents do already know situation, and just don't know all the facts, I would probably say something to them. Since it's their position that she's an adult, you probably should just say something casually. The party might be a perfect opportunity to talk to one or both of them, and just say something like "You know, it kills me to see how "a$$bag" is yanking niece's chain, going back and forth between her and his wife like that."

And finally, I would make sure the wife does know that he is having an affair with niece. Just don't do it at the party. I would guess wife doesn't know. She may know about his other affairs in the past, but not know one is going on now, or at the very least, not know for sure or with whom yet. I can't imagine her being willing to go to his party where niece will be if she did. I'm kind of surprised he would risk having them both at the party - don't be surprised it something comes up last minute and they don't show up.

Good luck. I know it's heartbreaking to see someone you care about making such avoidable mistakes, and knowing that she's being used this way.

OK..I wasn't clear due to XW references. This is my XW's niece XW and I have reconciled and are in recovery. My XW, niece and her BF will be at the party. I have never met this guy before....My XW and niece KNOW me and that I will call the guy out as to his intentions and that "I know his type"...

This clowns wife knows of niece. She found her cell number on his phone 2 years ago...guy told niece he was "seperated" when he really was not. The entire relationship is a huge lie... HIS wife will not be at party. We have never met her, do not know her....it's not that tangled of a web....This would not be a public scene. It's not my style... Just doing something I know her father would do if he knew everything. I am sorry for misunderstanding there...

My reconcilation with wife and her family has gone well and nieces situation and my position would not jeapordize anything there. Jeapordy is more with the niece... What we do know is that everytime she goes back to him she alienates herself from her family and this guy likes it that way...he is such a $hitbag...

>Just doing something I know her father would do if he knew everything.

If her father doesn't know everything, why do you think this is all out in the open? This has NOT been fully exposed.

- Kimmy

Kimmy...you're right...and that is part of the plan...exposing him. At her parents 25th anniv. party...

Calling out = exposure in my eyes....

I agree, expose the WHOLE sordid mess to her parents and then let it go. Don't confront the guy, IMHO

why not send his wife a letter, unsigned, and let her know the truth? Give her suggestions how to check for facts.

you may feel this is overstepping but if your willing to tell her parents....your already taking steps

just my thoughts

>At her parents 25th anniv. party...


Oh honey. Please no. This is THEIR day. They only get it once. A few days before, or a few days after...but not ON. They're gonna loathe this guy anyway....don't ruin their day of happiness....

- Kimmy

The annonymous letter is a Brilliant idea!!!!
This woman has a right to know.

You may also want to tell her folks the whole truth.

I like the letter idea..however..the wife knows!! The only people who do not FULLY know is her parents...and really the fully know part is that he was NOT Seperated from his wife when they began their relationship. I know that if the two women get together and this guy is in some hot water...

I plan on discussing with her parents...it is all I can do...

Can you make your W's niece and that guy's W meet and talk alone?