Wow – I had an interesting weekend. And now I think I need some help.

History……..

Saturday, I went with a friend downtown to celebrate someone’s birthday. I met a man who was a friend of a friend. Very cute, blonde (not usually what I like, but hey….I’m openminded! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />), and quite nice. A nice plus was that he has a MS in Civil Engineering. As we were talking, I found out that he, too, was divorced. Oddly enough, his exW had an A, and they split. I was open about the infidelity in my M, and he appeared to be OK with it. At the end of the night, we had a short kiss, and parted ways. All in all, we had great conversation, flirted some, and enjoyed each other’s company. I did not give him my number, but since we met through a friend of a friend, he could essentially get it if he were interested in dating. It was a nice night, but I’m OK if nothing comes of it.

Sunday, was out at the pool with the ‘pool group.’ One of the men there apparently has had his eye on me for a couple of weeks. And I, too, can’t say that I haven’t eyed him a bit also. Last night, I went with him and some other pool friends to dinner. We began talking, and I found out that he, too, is divorced, and guess why - - his exW also had an A. We spoke at length, and he commented that he was impressed that I took ownership of my infidelity.

We went back to my apartment, and talked on the patio for about 2 hours. He seems very emotionally mature, and is even reading the 5 Languages of Love on his own. He appears to be a very nice man, and he kept commenting that he REALLY likes me – that I am beautiful, intelligent, and well rounded. (flattery will get him everywhere! Ha ha) We spoke about SF, and I let him know that I wanted to wait, and he was very respectful – he said he truly liked me for me, and didn’t want just SF – he was interested in a relationship. We also kissed. Only downfalls to this man are that 1) he’s a full fledged smoker – which my ex was as well, but still not something I’m thrilled about 2) the sexual attraction for him is not very strong….but I suppose that could possibly change.

OK, so here’s my hangup.

I am terrified of the relationship thing. I was perfectly comfortable the prior night not knowing if anything would come of man1’s and my conversation. And if he called, I would probably feel OK going on a date with him. But at the mention of man2’s true interest in a relationship, my instinct was to run! I was honest, and said that while I knew that I would eventually have to have a relationship sometime, that I was still extremely scared. He was very understanding, but kept saying how MUCH he liked me…..which of course, scared me even more.

Aside from just being scared of intimacy and a relationship, I am also afraid that I would have to give up the ‘freedom’ that I have right now also. I don’t know if that is selfish or not. Not that I am really doing anything bad, but I enjoy being able to go to the movies with male and/or female friends, socializing, and generally having the freedom of being single.

Yet I also like man2. He seems like a really nice gentleman.

If I pursue anything with him, I will tell him it has to go slow. But I’m also not sure if I’m ready. I thought I might be – and maybe I’m ready to just DATE, but last night I felt like a deer in the headlights. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Any advice?

If you are not sure you are ready, then you are not ready. Your D has only been final a couple of months. Question: how can a man how has only "had his eye on you for a couple of weeks" and spend a single evening with you know enough about you to gauge how much he likes you. I can understand that he may be attracted to you and find you interesting enough to want to get to know better, but to "saying how MUCH he liked me"? Perhaps this is the root of your fear? That you understand something isn't quite right about this?

This is true. Although I will admit that both my exH and I feel as though the D has really been since last Oct. when I filed. I guess if you could call any D good, we were lucky that we have been able since last Oct or Nov to have numerous discussions about the shortcomings in the marriage, and the roles each of us played. We were able to 'earn' our D. And in the meantime, I have been working on recovering individually.

I don't feel badly about 'casual dating.' In fact, I think it's time for me to start considering it. But you are right - a relationship just seems like such a stretch right now.


We have only had one night that was similar to a 'date.' But we have spent time together (for the past 2 months) at the pool with all of our friends. So we have had a fair amount of conversation prior to the other night. It's not fair to say that he doesn't know anything about me, I suppose.


I do kind of agree with this, though. I guess I feel like he doesn't know my faults, my idiosyncracies, etc. And I am almost scared of the intensity he showed. Maybe that's a red flag, and I should listen to it. You could be right on there.


Yes, I know I'm not ready for a relationship. But do I just tell him to go look elsewhere, or do I actually make it clear that I can only date right now, and leave it at that? I will concede that he has not asked for a relationship or even more than dating. Alluded that he thought it could turn into one....but not asked . Still, the inflection of what he said still worries me.

I do definitely agree that my instincts are telling me NOT to have a relationship right now. I suppose I should go with my gut.

LIT - You have only been divorced for a very short time. Right now you should be going out with lots of men, enjoying yourself, and not even thinking about a relationship. It is way too soon.

LIT, My W and I had been divorced just over a year when I decided to start dating -- not a relationship, just dating. It only took me a couple of months to decide that I was fooling myself. I wasn't ready. I still am not ready. You may be and only you can say for sure. I think you simply must be up-front with Man2 and tell him that you are only interested in dating just now. If he's looking for more, and you don't tell him this, you will be misleading him. He may agree to this, and if he does, you must be careful. If he starts developing deeper feelings for you and you aren't ready, you'll have to end the relationship and he will be hurt. For divorce(e) not ready for a relationship, but who are seeking opposite sex companionship, sticking to light dating with those with similar goals is the best choice.

One of the primary reasons we are warned off from jumping back into the game too soon is that we have a tendancy to subconsiously choose a potential partner who is very much like the one we just lost. Then when we really are ready to move on, we have some unwanted baggage to unload. This is the danger of transitional relationships; someone usually gets hurt. I don't know about you, but I don't want to hurt anyone, so I choose to err on the side of caution.

You both are exactly right. I guess I haven't learned to trust my instincts as much as I would like. Even just the allusion to a 'relationship' has really thrown me off balance.

I think I will tell him that although I really like him, I don't think now is a good time for me. We can still talk and spend time together at the pool.....but as for romantic involvement, I best wait.

I suppose if he's really that interested, then he will wait as well, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's scary, though, how much THAT interaction frightened me as opposed to the other. I hope that means I'm on the right track to making better choices for myself with regards to relationships....healthier choices. Before I was M'ed, I never even really dated much.....so all of this is very new to me.