After my last post (re: talking to WH about the phone cards, honesty, etc.) I am puzzled at best.

WH came home with the boat that day and said "Let's go camping tonight." I gave him my best "WHAT THE ******??!!" look, but said okay.

I figured he was probably going to take me out in the woods and "lose" me, or drown me, or something like that. It turned out to be a pleasant evening up at the lake. We got up the next morning, ate in a restaurant, and drove home.

Since then, he does not call me at all during the day, there are few, if any, words of endearment from him.......none whatsoever from me........and now, he's talking about buying me a new car!

Like nothing was ever said, or discussed, or ANYTHING!!!!

So, I have one question.........WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Is he thinking everything will just "go away"? What?

I'm sure I don't know.

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

K-

I haven't kept up with your story, so I don't want to venture a guess as to what your H is thinking, but I did want you to know that someone is out here and is listening.

-Caren

I guess no one has any advice for me.........I surely have failed in my Plan B attempts letting WH come back home too soon.

And I am sure that I can see the pattern here.......I get upset, get a plan for myself, and then let it all slide. I just don't know how to fix this.

DD said to me "Why don't you just get a boyfriend, then you and Dad can just do your own thing, and use each other".

Is that what this looks like? I know I seem too passive, but this has really got me in turmoil.

I even thought about calling OW and having a heart to heart with her.........but what good would that do?

She has won, and I have lost my M. I have lost my life as I knew it, and feel I no longer have the strength to fight. Sorry, I guess I'm just really feeling down right now.

I have lost too many things in the past couple of years........my mom, my dad, my 18 year old cat, my 16 year old dog, and my 33 year old M.

Writing this is almost more than I can take..

Thanks, Caren.......

We were posting at the same time.

I feel like a whiner.....not a doer. Everyone (including me) is tired of this situation.

I just don't know where to go from here.

I don't think I have allowed myself to go thru any of the stages of grief with all that has happened with me, and all my loss. I just keep setting my feelings aside. Not good, I know.

Just counting my losses on "paper" sent me into waves of tears.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me...........I just, well, I don't know what I need.

K

So, I have one question.........WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?


[color:"red"] And I am sure that I can see the pattern here.......I get upset, get a plan for myself, and then let it all slide. [/color]

Here is where you answered that question.

He is a cake-eating, fence-sitting man. It could be that your inaction has enabled it too.

So, you know what you need to do...

I surely have failed in my Plan B attempts letting WH come back home too soon.

Plan B is your only salvation.

JMHO
committed

K-

Hon, I understand, I really do. I understand everyone being sick of the situation.....I'm in the same boat with you, no one understands why I don't just kick my husband to the curb.......they don't understand it's not that easy.

I have cried more times than I can count reading and writing these posts.....it is sad to see once you get it all on paper.

I also went back with my husband too soon, and have been in false recovery. There is no OW anymore....but he still wants to divorce me. It has been nothing but stressful since I've been back.

I've only been married for 10 years (anniversary is the 26th of this month), but I understand what you're going through. It just seems so sad that I've spent so long loving this man and he could just cast me aside so easily.

I also understand that it's so hard to stick to a Plan B...I couldn't do it, and I assume that's why I'm in the situation I am in now. I know that if I could've stuck with it, I could be posting from a very different perspective. I am going to attempt a last ditch Plan B effort as soon as I have all my ducks in a row......I don't know what else to do.

I hope that the fact that I understand where your coming from helps, even if I don't have any useful advice for you.

Hang in there,

-Caren

I write here, then go think, write, then think.....

I'm thinking I should just tell WH this evening that maybe we should just call this quits. How can I go on with a life like this? I don't know what I'm doing.....I have no direction.

Just trying to figure out what this should be like - my life and all.

I perhaps should go see the counselor and talk to him. My whole life feels like it's in it's death throes.

Thanks Committed and Caren........

Committed, I know you are right. Plan B that sticks.......it would surely be a "last ditch" effort, as Caren said.

Caren, it seems our inability to stick to a plan has gotten us into this mess. And I keep thinking about a commercial on TV..."Life is messy.....clean it up"

My life is messy, I just don't know where to begin cleaning it up!

K-

Don't call it *quits* with your husband, don't say things that you're not 100% sure you mean.

I think we both know that Plan B is the only way out of this situation, it's either going to make or break the marriage, but at least we'll know that we did everything humanly possible to save our marriages.

I'm here for you hon, and I'm sure I'll be needing support in the very near future.

My husband was out last night, he came home at 4AM completely $h*tfaced, woke me up told me about his evening (What I could understand through the slurring) proceeded to throw up then try to talk me into SF.....mmmm that WAS tempting...LOL, then he passed out. He was with his Mom's boyfriend and his kids, and his sister at the MOPAR nationals, and apparently drank too much, and then went to breakfast.....he couldn't even find his shoes this morning, for some reason he took them off in the kitchen, by the trash can. I was asking him questions I knew he wouldn't remember..LOL!!!! Alcohol is like truth serum for him, I said "So, you love me?" He said "What?" I said "You love me?" He said "OF COURSE I LOVE YOU HONEY" lmao....funny way of showing it he has....I had to laugh.

-Caren

One question ---> what is going on here?

THIS :

four year affair
D day 5/15/04

.... and THAT is what is still going on ....

Plan B .... cannot be any worse than your current status being one corner of a triangle.

Control yourself. Choose your path irregardless of what WH does.

Write it out as a battle plan

• improve self
  get ready to commit to my plan
  impliment plan
  tough it out
  make appropriate adjustments in my attitude
  continue keeping my word about my plan
  don't make myself a liar by breaking my word
  disengage from the triangle
  stay clear of chaos and manipulation
  be kind and gentle with myself
  grieve my losses
  celebrate my gains
  live my life with integrity
  be authentic

anywho.....

What is going on here .... with YOU?

Thanks, Caren.....

You have my support, also.

I won't say anything I'm not 100% sure of.

Busting up a long term A is so much harder than I thought. WH acts just like the many "drug seekers" I see at work. Addicted.

I keep thinking "Why can't he just stay away from her?" And I know it's not as easy as it sounds.

This whole situation is surely of my making......my own inability to stick to my own words and plans.

I am such an non-aggressive, passive sort of person. I always wish I was different. Wish I could just speak up. I am getting there, but it's difficult. I always want to smooth things over. I'm a peacemaker.

I know I need to pick myself up by the boot straps, and make peace for myself. Too many things have just chipped away at my core.....too many losses.

But, anyway, back on the subject. I do so appreciate the support and the "ears" here. And my mess has gone on far too long..........we are all weary of it.

Thanks, again, for listening.

K

Pep..........I love you!

No flowery words, just the nitty gritty take action words that are needed.

You (and others) are great at setting me on the right track.

Your words now ride the front of my refigerator.

Thanks, babe.

You love me?

kewl

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi K,

Ditto Pep's post.

Do I get any points for that?;)

Ok so here's my addition:

Secure your finances
Pray for a clear mind and calm heart
Get your mind and heart in sync
Read: Boundaries, Love must be Tough and His Needs/Her Needs

Identify your bounardies
Implement them.

Move forward with goals that are good for you and your family.

Keep lines of communication with your children open. Make them a part of your personal support group. Reassure them of your love and commitment to them.

Notify your WS with a solid plan B letter. Call Steve H @ MB ASAP.

Be prepared to let the WS go. If you find your H while doing so and you want him back, let him do his share of the work. It will be less for you do to.

Why do plan B? For you. Your children know you need it also.

Hugz,
L.

Yes, you get some points for your pointers.....

I love you TOO!

Praying for the clear mind and heart is the hard part.

I will call Steve H.....but as for the Plan B letter...doubt if WH will read one.....he's never read any of the others.

Perhaps a Plan B memo.....?

Deepest thanks to you all.........Caren, Committed, Pep, and Orchid.

K

Thanks for the kudos!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I sent my plan B letter via e-mail. He read it. U can make the e-mail tell you when he will read it but expect him to share it with the OW. The OW will see it as a green light for the A and that is where you will have her in your grasp.

Why? Because ALL OWs are mental idiots. They think with their selfish heart and lower body parts. Don't use their brain because it is too foggy and even stink! The A puts a stench on them that others can smell. YUCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Then you go dark. Periodic LB darts (LB from afar by causing doubt c/b your tool). Practice reverse babbling so give the WS back his pain. Remember it is your H you want back not the WS.

All the best,
L.

Are you aware that you are waiting and hoping for something (recovery) that YOU are ill-prepared for?

A BS who cannot tolerate the stress of Plan B is not good recovery material (at that time)

RECOVERY IS HARD

really!!!

MUCH HARDER THAN YOU CAN YET IMAGINE

If your WH returned today ... your UNhappiness would become GREATER!!!

I bet you don't believe me. But it's true.

Plan B may or may not force a crisis where your WH misses the marriage you offer ... but ... without YOU reaching deep down and finding the ~strength~ that Plan B demands ... trust me ... you would also NOT have the emotional strength for recovery.

RECOVERY IS REALLY REALLY HARD

Plan B ---> you need to toughen up ... just in case you ever reach recovery!

Call him only if your up for another round of that game played by all high school kiddies, called, 'Come-closer-no-get-away!" It's designed to allow the player total control over the relationship and the playee left wondering, "Does he love me? or does he want to ditch me?"

See? he calls, wants to play fun stuff with you, then disappears, because the rules of the CCNGA game require that he doesn't do anything that might be construed as commitment on his part, but keeps you doing more to stay in the relationship.

Last time I played this game, I finally caught on that I was being played. I went away for 3 months to fulfill an internship required for the profession I wanted to enter, and it served to clear the fog in my own head. However, I still really liked the guy. And I wanted to shake him out of the game for good, or end it on my terms.

So I asked him out to the Sadie Hawkins Preference Dance - was incredibly creative in how he got the invitation. He responded "yes" so I knew I was in for whiplash the week before the dance - and true to his nature, he danced with all my roommates and every other girl on the floor at the Friday Night Dance the week before our date. I didn't take it personally. I was out to have a good time with no hard feelings the next week.

I had the time of my life the week after - he's a great dancer and a lot of fun - and he had a blast too. I had planned at that point to just disappear but God delivered a better bit of fun on the guy. I disappeared from the scenes that the guy hung out at, focused entirely on finishing my degree. God delivered Kasey into a singing group I was in and we hit it off - going on our first date about 3 weeks after the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Within a month we were "secretly" engaged although my roommates knew we were pretty much head-over-heels for each other. Word never made it back to the other guy - who hadn't bothered to call.

The next time "the player" made contact, he made a surprise show-up to the cerimony for my graduation from religious studies. He found my mother, who thought it best that I "break the news" - so there he was grinning and acting like he was ready to have some more fun when I found my mom. I was friendly and then he asked what I was doing that summer - and I said, "Oh - I'm serving an internship in the city" at which he exclaimed that we'd have to get together and he'd show me around, and then I said that I was going on tour with the musical group I was in, and that I was getting married. He was stunned - didn't believe it, then grabbed my hand and saw the ring, and quickly wrapped up the conversation and left. My mother said, "You had a bit too much fun with that!" and I grinned and laughed and said, "You think? Nah! I was just ending the game!"

Hi again, Orchid, Pep, and Kayla........

Didn't have much time left over yesterday to look in.

Unfortunatley, WH mostly deletes all of his e-mails before he looks at them.

And I really don't know where to get started with all of this.

As for securing my finances, the only thing WH really pays now as far as home and house responsibilities is half of our house payment. The other half is paid with rent from another property (where DS lives). All the rest, the lights, phone, garbage, water, sewer, cell phones, etc, etc, are paid by me.

Even tho WH makes a third again as much as I do. I'm thinking finances are pretty secure. Except for the house payment.

But I do not know how to begin to do this now. We hardly talk..........especially since the phone call last Friday when I told WH that I knew he was still in contact with OW.....which he did not deny - he actually said nothing.

He does not call me at all during the day now, never says ILY. Pretty much acts like I'm not around.

I don't want to play any games. And it certainly feels like one now. Like a mother trying to discover every time her naughty son does something wrong. Stupid games.

I thought about going to our MC to talk to him about it, but I think that would pretty much be useless.

I am thinking about talking to Steve H. I pretty much don't know which way to turn with this whole mess.

And yes, Pep, I do know that everytime WH has come back home, then resumed contact with OW after about 3 weeks each time, I am increasingly unhappy.

WH told me a short while ago that he had all the respect in the world for me. I called "bull" on that one. I said if he respected me he would not keep doing this to me.

So, do I need help???? YES!!!!!!!!!!