Journal

It is a snowy, winter wonderland here. The dog and I are just back from our final walk of the day. He has had his paws washed, alittle late night snack and then his teeth brushed. All in all I believe he is happy with the world. He certainly sounds it by way of several major burps. He always smiles at me after he burps as though to say "My didn't that sound funny?"

I have spent the night catching up on personal paperwork.. still working on my lists.

I have to pause ... the dog is whining at his toy basket in the most abjectly pathetic tones... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well we had a short but intense play session... buried several toys in the bed and he is now happily chewing on a rawhide bone - shaped like a candy cane!

I have been looking at a wedding photo of ours. Boy we look young and oh so proud of ourselves. After 25 years together, I know marriage to be a challenging promise. I believe love within the boundaries of a marriage is a decision you make - not just a feeling that comes and goes.

If you want to make that decision work then following the MB model of identifying needs and ensuring they are met is a good bet.

It comes down to priorities. If we list what is important to us and then compare that list to how we spend our time - there are huge discrepancies. We seldom spend our time balanced to what we believe is important.

I have been spending alot of time thinking about what is important to me. Reflection should be part of everyday. There should some quiet time where you just think. It makes it far more likely that your time and priorities will mesh.

The disintergration of my marriage came as a huge shock to my system, identity, life purpose. While, there is lingering confusion, there is always an upside.

I have time to think... plan...decide .. It has made me step off the treadmill in a way... and opened up an entire world of possibilities.

I was worried I would become bitter and angry but I don't think that is really a concern anymore. It is far more likely that I will just really enjoy myself.

Even, Mr, Midnight made a grumpy comment to me about how my social life was better than his! Yikes! I haven't started to try yet!

PB...may I be your next puppy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Ah, the life of PB's dog...

Eibrab, my words of wisdom? Thanks you. Ask away. I have been feeling better and my head is clearing.

I go to the gym, but the treadmill is boring there too. I wish I had one here at home to watch "Martha" in the am. I actually rather be outside on my walks, but darn, it is way too cold for a desert girl.

Hey everyone's here tonight!

Eibrab- I do have a gym membership and it has gone unused for several months. AD's took the desire and the depression away. I will be there on Monday! 4:30am sharp with the boys I used to see every day. The only benefit they get is to feel better about themselves being in better shape than me and to laugh at me in a sweaty chocolate mess after 45mins on an eliptical trainer.

Holiday- Since when does it get cold in Las Vegas? Come to Reno and I will show you cold! Or better yet lets all go to Ontario and visit Paradise in a really cold environment. You don't stick your tongue out there because it will frostbite before you can pull it back. I think all of us would like to spend our next life as Paradise's dog, except for the dorky costumes!

Paradise- I am starting to feel sorry for Midnight. I hear a resolve in your posts that tells me he is about to get a full taste of you and I don't think he is capable of handling you on your worst day let alone on your best. And little Miss Attorney better sharpen her pencil and look out too! You sound great!

As for me I am just trying to keep my snorkel above water at work right now and that is it. I am holding down the fort on three different jobs right now and I am barely getting things done on time. We downsized one position out of existence and my assistant controller is out for six weeks medical leave. No other accountants or bookkeepers on staff now. Whooey we're having fun now. Had a meeting with the President and VP today to discuss the "bottleneck" in my department. I didn't pull any punches and told them their move in cutting that position stunk in two ways. The first was laying off a person with 8yrs experience right before Christmas. The second was doing it before telling me and learning that my assistant would be gone for the next six weeks. Needless to say they are listening to me now.

I did manage to start and complete my Christmas shopping in two hours tonight. Nothing like a man with a plan and kids who like gift certificates! Only have to wrap my parents presents and my brothers family's stuff. Last step will be cutting the tree Saturday in the Sierra's outside of town.Good friends, Cinnamon Schnapps and chain saws - a match made in the ER!

Cinnamon Schnapps and chain saws...sounds like a horror movie in the making.

Becareful wrapping that chain saw! ha.

And yes, it's cold in Vegas! Especially to a person that is used to 115+ in the summer.

Have a great Friday,

holiday

Holiday,

Is it humanly possible to get used to 115+? We have it good up north because it only goes over 100 for a week or two a year. We do have to put up with several months of mornings like today of lows in the teens or lower. Just makes the duck hunting better!

I have been posting over in GQ with some gals that had recoveries after a divorce and I have a question for you too. I am having doubts about wanting to ever reconcile with the EX because of her ability to keep a part of herself out of our relationship for the whole time we were married. She hid her credit card problems and never was able to open up to me and express her missing EN's. She always told me she was happy and content and I was never able to tell if she was hiding something.

You have been thru this stuff with your H. Can someone change and become more open and honest or is that something you have to accept and deal with if you love the rest of the package? I struggle with with this stuff right now because I feel I will be fine with or without her now. A far cry from where I was a couple months ago when I started talking to you guys. I know she is and always will be the love of my life, but if I have to accept a life where I am constantly on guard and distrustful it won't work and neither of us would be happy.

As Eibrab said I need some words of wisdom from a trusted source and you fit the bill. Have a nice and toasty weekend.

Hi Holiday,

Outside my door right now with wind chill it is 5 degrees F, only about 110 degrees cooler than your desert hot zone. At anything over 80 degrees you will finding me hiding inside where it is air conditioned. I like it around 60 to 65 degrees F. I would be a wilted puddle in that kind of heat. Where my brother lives it routinely goes below -30 C or -22 F.

Would you really want to be a puppy? I see you more like a lion or tiger? Maybe a wolf! However,I do agree that you are deserving of much pampering in what ever guise you come back as. The buddists believe that in death we change our bodies just like an old set of clothes. The lama I lisen to once a week can remember some of her previous lives. I certainly can't remember any of mine. I have trouble just remembering what I need to know to get by in this one!

I really admire how you two have been able to work through the issues in your marriage.

Yawn, I should go to bed I have a busy day tomorrow. I hope you have a great Saturday what ever your plans.


Cheers

PB

paradise,

See what I mean, it's really cold where you are. Holiday is in the tropics compared to you! I went to a Christmas party tonight and had a great time. Friends from high school have an annual party and invited me. Ex and I used to go every year and I still had a great time. Old friends and lots of free booze. What a concept.


I will pay tomorrow but who cares at this point, I still had a great time! Off to cut a tree tomorrow morning so I talk to you tomorrow afternoon.

Holiday..

May I pick a bit today?

I do not ever ask where my H is going or where he's been. I do not check his cell phone or his email. He seemingly gives me no reason to, though I have been blind in the past. I keep my eyes wide open all the time.

There were times where he was simply horrible to the kids and I during the affair. I have trouble forgetting.

I do my best to keep things to myself. He seems to be a changed man and God is working on him.

Do you ever have those old feeling "triggered" by something silly? Something small and meaningless, but it puts you way "off"..

What do you do with these moments ? Do you confront your H ?

At this time, we do not speak of the affair or the child born of it. He seems to have washed his hands of the mess and left me the one sort of open and raw in dealing with it.

Do you continue to speak of it with your H?

Do men REALLY get over this sooner than women ?

I am sorry for such an intrusive letter. In the past, I would have just opened right up and went at him with these feelings. I am not that person anymore.

I totally keep my mouth shut and observe. I'm not sure if I like this new me.

Help?

Eibrab

Journal,

All in all, the dog and I had a great weekend. There was a choral concert, a dinner and a cocktail party. The dog wore his flashing collar and antlers to the parties with cool nonchalance. I had a total of five different people ask me where I had bought it. (Petsmart).

This afternoon, I went to my favourite Christmas function an open house at a dear friend's. She does a swish job of it every year. There were many couples I have known for decades there.

Many stories... One couple who have three children, were married twenty years, only to have the wife fall in love with another man. They divorced, split assets, each bought a new house, then the wife developed cancer the new guy dumped her and she is back with her first husband. She has had a two year @#$% of multiple surgeries, and still faces a very uncertain future. I smiled at the husband tonight ... thinking good for you to let love win over pain, resentment and ego!

Another couple has even a sadder story, the wife has a very big job makes very big money. Her husband is less successful. He has a girlfriend that is married to another man. His wife knows about it. They socialize with both the OW and her husband who does not know about it. The wife just puts up with it. She does not want to break up her home or family. They have two kids. She buys him whatever he wants. Very high end expensive stuff is his for the asking. I did not smile at him. I worry very much about her. I think it a sure recipe to hate your husband and incredibly hard on your self esteem.

Our hostess told me a friend we no longer see much of. Keeps calling her husband at the office. Perhaps not a friend at all any more.

I had an casual friend call me this week, upon hearing Mr. Midnight and I had separated - asking me for his cell number! I gave it to her!

It is a very strange world out there with all manner of stories being lived out.

I try to go around and talk to everyone when I am at a party. It is always rewarding, and made easier by a very handsome four legged escort who goes up to people and licks their fingers by way of an introduction.

I met a woman who has been studying buddism for 20 years. We had a wonderful chat.

Normally at a do like this I would catch Mr. Midnight's eye across the room and give him a smile. It felt odd not to be doing that.

I find I often don't want to return to an empty home after a function right away. The dog and I will go for a drive looking for likely walking opportunities - somewhere there are completely different smells for him to explore, pee-mail!

It is going to be such a different christmas this year. I spoke with Mr. Midnight, who has not bought a single present yet. He sounds grumpy and woebegone. I decided I would shop only for my nieces and nephews on his side of the family. I will supply their Christmas dinner wine from my stock. It will be the first christmas in 25 years we won't have spent together. It will be different.

Adjusting to being single after being part of a couple for so long - is not always easy. Although I suspect it is easier than trying to heal the relationship after such profound betrayal.

Betrayal of trust is a loss. Our society doesn't really understands grief. I believe it should be expressed when you feel it. Repressing it in my mind is the root of many problems that arise later on...

Eibrab, In your shoes I would write him letters. You can always decide on whether or not you are going to show them to him. It would allow you to say things you probably need to say. You can burn them if that is your choice but writing things down I find releases emotions. The hurt you have in your heart has to have a means of coming out. It can't just stay there or it will morph into something worse.

The other thing I would do is to visualize holding on to what you want - your family - whole and unbroken - your loving husband - the present and future you have spent years building. Then I would visualize letting go of what you don't want - the bad memories, the hurt, the pain, the alienation. Write it all down then just let it go...

Holding onto negative emotions is kind of like drinking poison everyday and then being surprised that you are the only one getting sick from it. It doesn't do any good.

I think this site has excellent tools for rebuilding marriages. I would investigate them all...

Goodnight Paradise.

I have done this. I will do it again. It helps.

Reading here helps. Understanding your thought processes and "twinking" them to suit my life makes me feel less alone in the challenges that life brings.

What a blessing people in all corners of the Earth can be.

Thank you.

Eibrab

Hi guys,

Well, its been one of those weeks. Tough workload, bad productivity on my part, and just a poor attitude. I feel like I need a change in my entire lifestyle and location. A fresh start in a new area. If it weren't for my kids and my parents I think I would just sell the house and hit the road looking. No new place in mind, just a cop out and I know it.

I don't think I could actually do it but it sure sounds appealing! Lose myself and fix me before I tell anyone where I am. I still feel like something is out of balance and unsettled for me right now. Cant quite put my finger on what it is that is creating this feeling but it's becoming aparent for my employers too. Long meetings this week about how to handle the deluge from their actions and now questions about my productivity and dedication to the company. Not what I want to face right now and I'm not so sure I am capable of dealing with this bull**** yet either. Hence the desire to run away from it.

Eibrab, I hope you have been talking to H and a least letting him know you are having some doubts and concerns. My EX kept all of these thoughts and feelings to herself and never gave me an opportunity to address them. You can't build on a relationship if you aren't sharing in every part of it every day. Use these doubts and fears to build a new and even stronger bond with him by letting him help find ways he can soothe them. Conversation is the key in all of this I think. Hopefully he is the type of man that can talk about these things without feeling you are being judgemental. Keep after him and I know from his past actions he will come around!

Have a nice week all!

Man, I don't see how you guys handle all that cold weather! Gotta love Texas in the winter time!

I have no words of wisdom, just hugs to you PB, Eibrab, dukhunter, and holiday. May your holidays be full of unforeseen blessings.

Hi familycomesfirst,

Thanks for the hug. I hope you and yours have a very wonderful holiday season.

Wishing you many blessings.. happy memories... and love shared..


PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

I am sorry you are having difficulty at work. I know my productivity just tanked during the summer. It's improving but still not where it was pre A. Although, I find I seem to have different priorities. I am not as focused on work these days. Although I too have no shortage of catching up to do.

It sounds like you will be nose to the grind stone for a while to bring things current. That may not be a bad thing. Work can be very absorbing, distracting and it feels good when everything is complete.

The running away fantasy seems appealing at first. When you look at it hard though.. all your friends, your support network is really your home. You can't run away from them. There probably has been no other time in your life where you have needed them more.

While work may be pressing, I hope you have some fun over the holidays. I plan to just stay busy. Invite over many guests and entertain them well. I know I will really miss my Dad and my husband this Christmas but life changes and I find I am changing with it.

I believe I am through being utterly heartbroken and I am now on to the feeling sad and a little lost phase. Grief has definite stages to it. The happy thing is that they are progressive and you start to feel better coincident with understanding the situation more clearly.

I find I can be more understanding of their side of the story than I was even two months ago. It is all progress of a sort.

Sweet dreams... I am off to bed. The dog is walked. The kitchen is tidy and it is time for a little reading and some sleep...

PB

Hi All,

Sorry to have fallen off the MB planet. I get to this point and our cable company decides to "resolve" my connection.

Anyway, Eibarb...

Why don't you ask your H where he is going or where he has been? Is this been policy for your marriage since together?

As for me, yes, little things trigger old things. It's still a "trust" issue for me, even after my H has bent over backwards to show me everything. I'm not sure if we ever "recover" total trust and I read we really never should.

Yes, I may still talk of the A's. More so of the last one. Makes life sometimes feel unrealistic. Each time, he was never unloving to me, nor showed any signs of discontent etc, so I really never caught any "red flags". His first came after a couple of years of parents dying, temp job loss for whistleblowing, a motorcycle accident (minor) which our niece sued our insurance for $100,000 and split our family. He's told me each A was more about "variety", not emotions and that through each poor decision he had made and even while making the decision, I was on his mind and he loved me. The second A boggles me as I thought we were recovering very well. We had been communicatiing our feelings and I thought we had moved past it.

So now I am left at times unsure about everything. I sometimes don't "feel" the love he shows or tells me due to the betrayal of trust. But, I work through it somehow.

PB...what are your plans for Christmas?

holiday

Hi paradise,

Haven't had much time to post lately. Been to parties, cut a tree, wrapped all of my gifts and been planning a dinner for 14 on Christmas day! The things you do to keep busy and occupied are amazing aren't they? I think I am much better now regarding the EX. Work has been a handful and all consuming lately. No time to dwell or even get moody really. Couldn't have come at a better time for me.

You sound really good lately! Is it real or are you just trying to inspire me to be better? My friends are all concerned about me during the holidays and it makes me feel good to know they care. I even got a card today from the EXIL's. Nothing special inside just a holiday wish. What do you think I should do if anything for EX and EXIL's for Christmas? I thought of sending flowers or a centerpiece for their dinner when my kids will be there. Would that be coming too much out of the dark?

And just for your information I am cooking the bird myself! One of the few cooking skills I have, but it's a useful one this time of year. We will be using two different sets of dinnerware but the food will be good. I just wish the kids could be there to enjoy it with. Weird, after I wrote that I flashed on the fact I didn't think the same about EX.

Well I hope you are doing as good as it sounds. You deserve to be happy and content this holiday season. You have been a pillar of strength for all who read you posts. You have also insipired all of us to try and be as graceful and poised as you in our own lives. Have a nice evening and I will try to chime in more regularly.

Hi Holiday,

Good to have you back. I am going to our country place for the holidays. I negotiated the first month of our cottage rental - for exclusive use of the dog and I! So my family will be having a very wintery Xmas. We have friends coming to stay. It should be all manner of fun!

Mr. Midnight just keeps getting more and more scrooge like. There is just such a whine going on about not being able to do his own shopping! Poor guy... I've done all the gift shopping for the last 25 years. He is feeling overwhelmed! I guess he will just have to get the new gal trained up!

The dog and I have been dancing all around the kitchen to Diana Krall's version of Let It Snow. We are making cookies! Some are pawprints!

I am sipping a glass of Stone's Ginger Wine on ice, one of my favourite Xmas drinks.

I have only my Mom's presents to wrap. Tomorrow I have a very full slate, I am off to go to a party with just alittle work to do in the morning.

Then later, a girlfriend and I do a Christmas for a family in distress. We start with their Christmas wish list and then spend the afternoon pulling it all together and then usually back to her place to wrap presents. It is always alot of fun. All my nieces and nephews are older now so it is fun to buy young kid things.

I am looking forward to the holidays. I was watching the March of the Penguins this week. A beautiful film.. what struck me most deeply was that life is all about survival. One of the pluses to the these messes - is that you come away knowing that you can survive them ...

Yowser, I smell burnt cookies!

Cheers

PB

Diana Krall!!! my hubby's favorite gal...well, besides me.
I need to get him her holiday CD.

How nice of you and your girlfriend doing a special Christmas for a distressed family. What a wonderful, wonderful thing!

What is the saying??? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger?

I need your prayers for a very dear friend of mine (my buddy who lived across the street from me while growing up...buddies since the 4th grade). He had skin cancer 10 years ago and they were able to remove it. Now it is back and in his brain, liver etc. I love him deeply as anyone could love their best buddy. His name is Terry. He is an atheist and for years he and I have bantered over Christianity (he loves all my good points and always listened).

Hope you all have a nice evening,

holiday

Hi Holiday,

There is a very beautiful sanskrit prayer ... which means in english..

By the power and the truth of this practice:

May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the causes of happiness;

May they be free from suffering and the causes of suffering;

May they never be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering,

And may they dwell in the great equanimity that is free from attachment and aversion.

It sounds just beautiful when it is chanted in Sanskrit.

I will say prayers for your friend Terry during the holidays. I am praying also for the neighbour, who I ran into shortly after Dad died. He started chemotherapy today. He has six months of chemotherapy scheduled - one session every two weeks. His name is John. So Terry and John will be in my prayers.

When I was young I was quite a rock hound. I loved collecting specimens. They say carrying a touchstone of sugilite - is reputed to help with cancer. I not sure how but sometimes - just the act of doing something helps.

Diana's new Christmas CD is lovely - you will enjoy it.

What are your plans for the holidays?

Can you believe it! I think Dukhuntr might just be serving Canadian Goose!

Cheers

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

I think flowers are always a lovely gesture. You could send them from the dog and remain in the dark so to speak. Christmas is about love and friendship. It is a good thought.

Cheers,

PB