WF has been trying to go through channels to reach me and tonight I finally text messaged him back. He had been wanting to talk and I told him I was finally ready to sit down and talk just one on one. We will meet with him tomorrow. I know he is still drinking because I could hear it in his voice. I also know he is in tremendous pain because his parents are refusing to allow him to his granma's funeral. I guess this is where the lighthouse comes into play.

I need to know how to approach this conversation. I am feeling very level headed and expecting closure on our relationship but of course that is not what I truly want. I would like to extend to him my hopes that we can work on our relationship if he seeks help and that while I have cancelled the wedding, we can look towards the future again. OW car was repossessed this week and he is still not working. Mentally you could hear he was just drained when we spoke and he was the first to admit that physically he was fine but mentally he was not.

I would greatly appreciate any recommendations on how to approach this as it may be my last chance here. He's obviously willing to speak with me since he called me back but he also indicated that he wanted to get some things he thinks we forgot to pack.

Sadie,

His consquences are as a result of his actions. Make sure you convo with him does not result in him dumping on you.

The A ain't that great and his life isn't going up. Right now you look like a better option but do you really want t/b an option? U R better than that.

So what t/d? Listen to what he has to say. If he is babbling, don't engage in more convo. Hear it and leave. No response.

If he is sincere but you are not sure, then let him know you heard him and have to give what he said some thought. Again, leave him wondering. Either way, leave him wondering.

Got it? Don't forget cleansing breathes. U R worth it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



L.

Sadie, I would not meet with him until he agrees to do what you stipulated in your letter, ie: sober up and get help for his drinking. Tell him to contact you when that has happened. Otherwise, tell him to hit the road. If you don't stick to your word, then you just convey the message that you can be easily manipulated at will.

He probably just wants to see if he can soak you for you some money or possibly come back home because he needs a better flop house.

Sadie, I would also emphasize that you have an excellent opportunity to help him out right now while he is down and out by refusing to save him. Pain is the only motivator for an alcoholic and he is likely looking for a rescue. If you don't rescue him now, you help him face his bottom much faster.

Let him crash, Sadie, it is the most compassionate thing you can do for an alcoholic. His "lighthouse" is not you, but the pain he feels from facing the consequences of his own actions. THAT is his lighthouse. [jail is also another great "lighthouse" for an alcoholic]

He did not end up calling me on Sunday. I really didn't think he would because OW would have been at home.

Yesterday afternoon though I received a text message from him inquiring about what was up with the court date for a client that we had sent to Small Claims. I replied that I didn't know, didn't you go to court on Friday? He replied oooh no. I had previously told him the date for court, told him exbusiness partner had the paperwork to get in touch with her. He never followed through on it and just threw 1k away that I am sure he could have used. His exbusiness partner thinks that he was ASSUMING that I was going to handle it for him. Well I didn't. Lesson learned for him. I was proud of myself for leaving the last message hanging. I didn't feel that it warranted any response so I let it be.

We went to play darts last night for league night. We have removed him from the team as he said he quit. We pulled in and his car was in the lot. Here he claims he wants nothing to do with us, he is giving up darts, our bar, the league etc..and they show up on league night.

His best friend's wife comes out to the parking lot to calm my nerves down a bit. So we all go in. We were all there. Everyone was cordial to him. No one acknowledged OW even though WF was practically begging them to and was definitely upset that we were ignoring her. No idle chit chat with him either, just a polite hello and then on about our business of playing the league games. We did not include him in the games since he had quit the team.

You have to understand there is about 8 of us and we are a very, very tight family and we all came together last night as our promise that we would not stand by and watch him live his life as he was. I was so blown away by everyone. I know how hard it must have been for them all.

They lasted an hour, OW got furious at being ignored and she grabbed him and they walked out. He was talking a bunch of b.s. as they left. The waitress came over and was furious...They had now walked the tab 3 different times. She only served them because they were our friends and the last time she had tried to refuse service he ahd gotten up in her face. So the security said they would be cash only or not allowed. OW has it figured out how to have 2 tabs going (1 at bar and 1 w/waitress) and then only pay one saying she had paid both. His best friends wife called him and told him that they walked the tab. He sent OW back into the bar to pay the tab. We all stood there watching her.

When he and I ran into each other there we each said a polite hello...but no other talking between us the rest of the night. I don't know how to behave now. I sent him the Plan B letter almost 2 wks ago...we didn't meet the other day which I think now is a good thing...too soon for both of us. Previously I had been myself, talkative with him, nice as pie and just me. But I found myself last night all wound up and confused as to how to act around him. I want to be seen as the loving person he knows I am...but I know it did not come across that way to him last night, I ignored him...but I was that way with everyone else. We all had a great time and I was smiling away...just not at him.

How do I behave?

I thought you had sent him a Plan B letter cutting off all contact? If so, why are you in contact with him?

I did and I have not contacted him..he's the one who keeps contacting me. He had wanted to meet on Sunday. I had agreed and then he never came through...so I let it go. Then he contacted me about the client. I limited my answer to his question, nothing else. He showed up last night but I only said hello when he stood in front of me and blocked me and then I said hello.

How should I be acting in these situations? I really am at a loss here. I have set my conditions for his return. While he hasn't indicated a desire to return at this point, he still keeps trying to maintain contact with me. Please help me out here.

Sadie, Plan B means no contact. It means you LEAVE if he tries to see you. You are not at his mercy. It means you don't respond when he contacts you. If he calls and asks to see you, ask him if he has stopped drinking, joined a 12 step program and stopped his affair. If not, then please don't call me again until that happens.

The next time he calls is this a fair response:

You said the other night you know who you real friends are. Your real friends are the ones who love you and care about you and want only the best for you. We cannot standby and watch what you are doing to yourself. Therefore, until you show us that you are back to being D, give up the alcohol, join a sobriety program, move out from OW and get your own place or move back home with your folks, we will honor your original request that we have no contact with you.

No Sadie, this is about honoring YOUR REQUEST, not his. You are in control here, not him. You wrote the Plan B letter, not him. How about this:

"have you stopped drinking, joined a 12 step program and ended your affair?"

"No"

"Then please respect my request in my letter and do not contact me until you have done those things." CLICK

Okay...then we will do that. I guess I shouldn't be speaking for our friends anyway.

Yesterday WS went up to his best friend's place of employment to complain about the way we all ignored him and OW on Monday night. His BF told him "Hey dude I don't care...get over it. This is what YOU wanted, remember?" WS also was upset because he found out that he wasn't getting his grandma's house up in Tulsa after all. The house belongs to the Cherokee Indian Nation and there are certain stipulations for inheriting and I know his father didn't want him to have it. Living up there would be the worst thing that could happen to WS.

WS and OW roommate ran into WS best friend and told him that he was just about done living with the two of them. They don't wake up until noon or later, they start drinking and drink all day/night until they pass out. OW is now barely working, she had only been working 2 days a week as a hair stylist. But now she is barely doing that. OW car got repossessed last week also. The roommate is now paying for everything at OW house. Not very happy about it. So not sure how long he will be staying there. That's his decision to make.

I just received a text message from WS "Can you make my car payment today and I will pay back on Monday?"

I couldn't help but laugh...did you not read the Plan B Letter that told you as long as you were with OW and living there I would not support you emotionally or financially.
Of course I am not going to respond to it and not to worry, I am not going to make the payment. Where does he think he's going to come up with the money? The payment is 2 mos late but the bank gave him a 2week extension due today. He still hasn't come up with the money. If he gets it repossessed it is not my fault. Then they will both be without cars. There is no public transportation (no buses or even taxis) where we live and she works about 2 miles from her house...that's a long walk in this Texas heat.

Give me strength not to reply....

Latest one:

Yes, no, maybe?

He wants me to make the car payment for him...and I am not responding.

Instead ... donate money to Red Cross for Katrina victims ... that is money better spent!

SexySadie,

Contact either direct or indirect(getting info from friends) is a HUGE Plan B NO NO.

Plan B is like pregnancy, either you are or you are not.

Sadie, you are not.

The most painful wounds are those self inflicted

Sadie, hang tight and don't respond. The only reason he is contacting you is so you can use you some more.

Yes I know...I am doing my best. He sent another message again

Response

Not sending him anything back. He knows..he read the letter, he even said in his reply that he would never ask for financial assistance. Just sticking to my guns here. But the temptation is sooo great. But I promise I won't say anything. As we were taught...if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

I am just shocked that after everything, especially Monday night he has the chicken poop guts to ask for money. Doesn't even have the guts to call..has to text message me.

Sadie,

One more thing. Make sure that anyone that remains in contact with WH NEVER sees you react to any news about WH in either the positive nor negative. He will test you to see if he can tug on your heartstrings and/or pull your chain. Don't fall for that old trick.

Like Melody said, contact now is for HIS benefit not yours!

Yes...they are well aware of the NC letter. They have actually been doing the same thing with him until Monday when he showed up. Even they were pretty good about it. Poor best friend to be harrassed at work. He told WS to leave and that he didn't care to see him or talk to him while he was with OW and self-destructing. Our friends are really doing a better job now of taking care of me and respecting me. They finally realized with THEIR OWN EYES that he was trying to make me crazy as well as them. They keep calling to make sure I haven't given in on contacting or making the car payment.

I don't plan on contacting. I blew it last Monday and I think that is why he felt comfortable showing up to our usual place. That was my mistake. But I have learned.

Thank you for adding that comment. Much appreciated. This NC is extremely difficult.