Hi,


My WW ended the affair less than 2 weeks ago and is going through the withdrawal process pretty hard.

Here are some questions I have:

My WW is not very committed to MC yet, we have had one session so far and she is not sure if she even wants to save the marriage. She is showing small signs of warming up to me but nothing to concrete. She told me the other day how guilty she feels and ask me 'why would you want to stay with me?' What is the best way to respond to this?

How long does it take for the WW to show signs of wanting the marriage typically??

She says she will only do the MC for 2 months, should I respond to this at all??

From a FWW point of view, what are some of your best suggestions in helping me and my WW get through this stage to the stage where she is committed to the M?


Thanks for your help

Cheers

Hey bob, I'm not a WW but I had one so I hope you don't mind my chiming in.

First good sign: Ending the A. Have you done the NC bit yet? If you haven't you need to.

Second good sign: She even went to MC in the first place!

Third good sign: "Why would you want to stay with me?" That's textbook, my FWW said it to. I told her I wanted to stay with her because I loved her, thought she was special, and that I promised for better or worse and I intended to keep my promise.

Now, only doing MC for 2 months...she should change her tune. Don't be surprised if she has more revelations for you in the future. You need to stay cool at all costs.

Patience...for more details on my recovery story, see the 22 page thread started by HopeThisWorks. Lots of us husbands chiming in sharing experiences there.

Good luck.

Hey BB,

I'll get Mrs. Wondering over here sooner or later to help you out with this question.

Our last contact was June 14 and withdrawal lasted about a month. The second month she was out of the storm and committed to recovery but still a little foggy. Things like closure were important to her. By the end of August she was completely out of the fog. Perhaps she could give you some of her posts as they may be difficult to find within all our mutual posts. However, our very first post on these boards would be an interesting starting point.

I think eventually once you fully trust her again you should bring her here. I know my wife spending time here is time well spent. We've come a long way utilizing MB.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Betrayed Bob,

I agree with mflake that there are very good sings in your W’s behavior and I have a much hope for your M and for you and your W’s recovery. Your W have already ended the A and is willing to go to MC – this is very, very good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your W is definitely in withdrawal right no. Please understand that this is a very difficult time for a FWW and that it will take some time & patience for her to get through it. Two weeks into withdrawal is still very, very early. The best and most productive time for marital recovery will follow after withdrawal. Please read this thread on withdrawal thoroughly. I’ve compiled this thread from my experience and viewpoint as a FWW and also included quotes from Dr Harley. I’ve compiled the thread in such a way that it will be useful to both FWS’s and BS’s. It will give you much insight into your W and you will also find suggestions there on how to help your W through the withdrawal process.

Blessings,
Suzet

Unfornate news tonight,

My WW and I went to a pub for a few drinks tonight and ended up being a huge mistake. We had to many drinks and had a fight in the pub. I left around 1am, she didn't get home to 4am. Her stories didn't add up when she got home, I think she ended up being with a 2nd OM tonight. I guess it was a stupid idea going to the pub tonight I thought we would be ok. We fought when she got home and she was pretty violent with me.

I think now that I have little choice but to file papers now. I don't want a 'project' wife anymore, I think it is better to cut bait, forget the 10 years and move on. I would appreciate a lot of feedback on this issue, it was looking pretty positive but now I am getting close to running out of energy to fight the good fight anymore. I think she needs alot of IC for her issues, I don't think I have the patience to deal with her anymore. I think would rather find a new wife that appreciates who I am, than spend time, money, emotional energy etc on the one I have. I am so sad right now knowing what I should really do.

I am so sorry for your situation. I had such high hopes. I still think you should call Dr. Harley and keep posting for our thoughts and support. Many here have been through similiar situations. It is not our job to talk you out of any conclusions you've made or are considering. With support you can make an informed rational decision without the emotions you are feeling right now. Maybe you go straight to Plan B, draft a Plan B letter with the conditions for reconciliation and move on and see what happens. Even divorce takes time and in most states you get the opportunity to change your mind.

What was the fight about? Did she instigate it? Was she trying to hurt you and make you think she behaved inappropriately? Where was 1st OM? She could have sat on her cell phone with him for 3 hours and not wanted to tell you?

I don't think the pub was a bad idea. You needed to get out and have a good time. This was not your fault. You don't deserve any of this. Nobody does.

So sorry,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the support,

I found out more of the real story (at least I think it is the real story) this morning.

She refused to tell me what she did when she came home last night. So I jumped to some conclusions in my previous post. This morning we talk again, she reluctantly told me what she did she did last night. She hung out with two guys after the bar. She did admit trying to contact him last night but says she was unsuccessful. I guess I believe this because had she got a hold of him I doubt she would have come home this morning. I guess I will never truly know.

She started asking me why I want to be with her again. I gave a her a good response similiar to what was suggested above.

She told me how incredibly guilty she feels in that I am the only one trying to make this work. My response was I am not expecting much from her at this point (due to the affair just being over) but I will need more from her at some point in the future.

She also said that isn't it a sign (the violence etc) that we are not meant to be. My response was the only sign I seen was that she was lacking self-control. I wasn't trying to be self-rightous but maybe I was. She actually agreed with me (to a point at least in her head).

She did end this by saying she was glad now that she didn't get a hold of him. Also, she gave me a kiss goodbye.

My gut tells me that she is telling the truth. This is based somewhat on her body language, other things she said etc. However, I have learned to be very skeptical, so I still have both eyes wide-open. I am always assuming contact until I can rule it out otherwise.

I guess I am back playing in this 'fun' game again, it sure drains you though.

Thanks for the advice Mr. Wondering. You and your wife are stars. It is funny, you hit the nail on the head when you said "It is not our job to talk you out of any conclusions you've made or are considering". Sometimes I really wish someone would tell me to quit or give up, but I know this is a decision I will have to make.

Cheers

This sounds like the first time you have lost control of you emotions.

I think a good Plan A (with a little 180 in there) would have had you in bed asleep when she came home. Never confront them when they expect a confrontation. Their defenses are up and they are way to prepared to fight back. Nothing productive comes of these arguments EXCEPT sometimes WS like the drama...the hostility kind of triggers something in their brain that tells them "you really love them" (remember my suggestion to break something before she came home late about a month ago just to make her visualize how angry you were).

She said she tried to call him. MMMMMM-Isn't that really the same as breaking no contact. His caller ID has her name and maybe she left a voicemail. The communication volleyball is now in his court. Eventually, like my wife, she needs to have no desire to even consider calling OM. But you're a long way off on that. It will happen.

Hopefully, this morning you took advantage of her being in a talkative mood. You may have actually made progress with this whole ordeal. Remember, she went out with you and conflict is better than withdrawal.

BTW, the "why would you want me?" question she asked is very common. There are many good answers around these boards to that very question like "Because you are my wife, you are my history and my future and you're having a difficult time in your life and I'm here to support you through this".

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

P.S. - If you don't like hockey and can't admit it cause a neighbor might hear you just knock 3 times on your monitor. I do realize you're in Canada and could be shot for such blasphemy.

Yes, I do like Hockey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Had a nice talk with her this afternoon. She is finally acknowledge how poorly she has treated me, and how selfish she has been. It was nice to hear.

BB

There's a saying around here...Actions speak louder than words. I hope you followed up these nice sounding comments with: "Honey, that is nice to hear, but what do you plan to do about it". You want her to commit to taking action and then offer to help her develope her plan. Withdrawal is a tough cookie and she will be tempted to call OM again and again. She can hopefully discuss these temptations with you open and honestly; and, allow you to become her confidant as she proceeds to overcome her addiction.

I also hope you are not pressing for your needs to be met. You may be tempted to expect and/or push for this whole thing to be resolved overnight. It's our manly nature. Have patience and stick to the Plan you discussed with Steve Harley. BTW, are you still talking to Dr. Harley?

Sidenote: As I guessed the fight last night paid off. You guys appear to be in conflict resolution instead of withdrawal. This sounds like a step in the right direction.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Oilers or Canucks? Bertuzzi (sp?) is one talented brute. I can get Red Wings tickets in Detroit for pretty much any game I want if you and your wife ever wanted to consider coming stateside for a game.